


Breaking Dawn: Revamped

by JGluum



Series: The Twilight Saga Revamped [5]
Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Canon Rewrite, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Rewrite, Romance, Vampires, Werewolves
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2019-06-28 00:58:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 114,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15696900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JGluum/pseuds/JGluum
Summary: To be irrevocably in love with a vampire is both fantasy and nightmare woven into a dangerously heightened reality for Beau Swan. Pulled in one direction by his intense passion for Edward Cullen, and in another by his profound connection to werewolf Jacob Black, a tumultuous year of temptation, loss, and strife have led him to the ultimate turning point. His imminent choice to either join the dark but seductive world of immortals or to pursue a fully human life has become the thread from which the fates of two tribes hangs.Now that Beau has made his decision, a startling chain of unprecedented events is about to unfold with potentially devastating, and unfathomable, consequences. Just when the frayed strands of Beau's life-first discovered in Twilight, then scattered and torn in New Moon and Eclipse-seem ready to heal and knit together, could they be destroyed… forever?The conclusion to the Twilight Saga: Revamped.





	1. Engaged

**Book I**

**Beau**

 

* * *

 

 

_One has to pay dearly for immortality;_

_One has to die several times while one is still alive._

                                                 
                                                                        Frederick Nietzsche

 

* * *

 

**Preface**

 

I’d had more than my share of near-death experiences; it wasn’t something you ever really got used to.

It seemed oddly inevitable, though, facing death again. Like I really _was_ marked for disaster. I’d escaped time and time again, but it kept coming back for me.

Still, this time was so different from the others.

You could run from someone you feared, you could try to fight someone you hated. All my reactions were geared toward those kinds of killers—the monsters, the enemies.

But how do you run from death itself? How can you run when your time has run out? What do you do when your own body has failed you and you’ve run out of options?

Death had come for me; there was no avoiding it anymore.

No matter what, I knew my heart would stop beating.

 

* * *

 

 _No one is staring at you_ , I promised myself. _No one is staring at you. No one is staring at you._

But, because I couldn’t lie convincingly even to myself, I had to check.

As I sat waiting for one of the three traffic lights in town to turn green, I peeked to the right—in her minivan, Mrs. Weber had turned her whole torso in my direction. Her eyes bored into mine, and I flinched back, wondering why she didn’t drop her gaze or look embarrassed. It was still considered rude to stare at people, right? I felt like that was one of those constant rules of social etiquette.

Then I remembered that these windows were so darkly tinted that she probably had no idea if it was even me in here, let alone that I’d caught her staring. I managed to take some comfort in the fact that she wasn’t really staring at me, just the car.

 _My_ car. Jeez.

I glanced to the left and groaned. Two pedestrians were frozen on the sidewalk, missing their chance to cross as they stared. Behind them, Mr. Marshall was gawking through the plate-glass window of his little souvenir shop. At least he didn’t have his nose pressed up against the glass.

The light turned green and, in my hurry to escape, I stomped on the gas pedal without thinking—the normal way I would have punched it to get my ancient Chevy truck moving.

Engine snarling like a hunting panther, the car jolted forward so fast that my body slammed into the black leather seat and my stomach flattened against my spine.

“Arg!” I gasped as I fumbled for the brake. Keeping my head, I merely tapped the pedal. The car lurched to an absolute standstill anyway.

If I had been embarrassed before… Yikes. I didn’t dare look around at the reaction. If anyone had been wondering who was driving the car before, they were probably sure now. With the toe of my shoe, I gently nudged the gas pedal down one half millimeter, and the car shot forward again.

God, I missed my motorcycle. See, I didn’t mind the speed of this beast, I just hated how touchy it was! I could handle speed—I _enjoyed_ speed. But this stupid car was nearly impossible to drive!

I managed to reach my goal, the gas station. If I hadn’t been running on vapors, I probably wouldn’t have come into town at all. I absolutely hated being the center of attention, and I might as well have been driving a parade float for all the attention this car garnered.

I jumped out of the car, moving a little quicker than I would have if I were driving my truck. I got the hatch open, the cap off, the car scanned, and the nozzle in the tank within seconds. While I watched the numbers on the gauge sluggishly tick by, I began to wonder—for maybe the hundredth time—if it wasn’t too late to send this beast back.

My eyes wandered to the horizon as I leaned against the car waiting for the tank to fill. It wasn’t bright out—a typical drizzly day in Forks, Washington—but the scant light seemed to bounce off the shiny black car like a spotlight. The word ‘ostentatious’ came immediately to mind. I sighed and absentmindedly twisted the ring on my left hand. It was strange how it had become almost commonplace at this point.

It was stupid to be so self-conscious about the car, and I knew that. Did it really matter what people were saying about my new car? Or about my mysterious acceptance into an Ivy League college? Or about the shiny black credit card that felt increasingly heavier and heavier in my back pocket right now?

“Yeah, who cares what they think,” I muttered under my breath.

“Um, hey bud?” A man’s voice called.

I turned around, and immediately started turning red.

Two men stood beside a fancy SUV with brand-new kayaks tied to the top. Neither of them was looking at me; they were both staring, slack-jawed, at the car.

Personally, I didn’t totally get it. But then, I really only bothered to know the difference between a Toyota, Ford, or a Chevy. This car was glossy black, sleek, and pretty, but it was still just a car to me.

“I’m sorry to bother you, man, but could you tell me what kind of car you’re driving?” The taller of the two men asked.

“Um, it’s a Mercedes.”

“Yes,” the man said politely while his shorter friend raised an incredulous eyebrow at me. “I know. But I was wondering, is that… are you driving a Mercedes _Guardian_?” The man said the name with reverence. I had a feeling this guy would get along well with Edward Cullen, my fiancé—and very soon to be husband with the wedding being only days away. “They aren’t supposed to be available in Europe yet,” the man went on, “let alone here.”

While his eyes traced the sleek contours of my car—it truthfully didn’t look much different from most other Mercedes sedans to me, but I wasn’t the most informed about cars to begin with—I briefly contemplated the nearly here wedding.

One the one hand, I had always been exceedingly skeptical of the entire institution of marriage given my parents experience. But then, the idea that I could call Edward—handsome, beautiful Edward—my husband was extremely enticing. The public declaration of love and that promise of forever was something I was more than willing to give.

As soon as I started thinking about Edward and marriage and husband, I sort of got caught up in a dizzy spin of fantasies. The stranger had to clear his throat to get my attention; he was still waiting for an answer about the car’s make and model.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know,” I told him honestly.

“Do you mind if I take a picture with it?”

It took me a second to process that. “Really? You want to take a picture with the car?”

“Sure—nobody is going to believe me if I don’t get proof.”

“Um. Yeah, sure.”

I swiftly put away the nozzle and crept into the front seat to wait while the enthusiast dug a huge professional-looking camera out of his backpack. He and his friend took turns posing by the hood, and then they went to take pictures at the back end.

“I miss my truck,” I sighed to myself.

Very, very convenient—too convenient—that my truck would wheeze its last wheeze just weeks after Edward and I had made the engagement official. He had asked, as an engagement gift to me, that he be allowed to replace my truck when it passed on. Edward swore it was only to be expected; my truck had lived a long, full life and then expired of natural causes. According to him. And, unfortunately, I had no way to verify his story or to try to raise my truck from the dead on my own. My favorite mechanic—

My breath caught, a lump started forming in my throat. I pushed it back and instead, I listened to the men’s voices outside, muted by the car walls.

“…went at it with a flamethrower in the online video. Didn’t even pucker the paint.”

“Of course not. You could roll a tank over this baby. Not much of a market for one over here. Designed for diplomats, arms dealers, and drug lords mostly.”

“Think _he’s_ something?” the short one asked in a softer voice. I ducked my head, cheeks flaming.

“Huh,” the tall one said. “Maybe. Can’t imagine what you’d need missile-proof glass and four thousand pounds of body armor for around here. Must be headed somewhere more hazardous.”

Body armor. _Four thousand pounds_ of body armor. And _missile_ -proof glass? Nice. What had happened to good old-fashioned bulletproof?

Well, it made some sense—for Edward at least.

It wasn’t like I hadn’t expected Edward to go overboard with the new car. I’d agreed that he could replace my truck when it needed replacing, not expecting that moment to come quite so soon, of course. When I’d been forced to admit that the truck had become no more than a still-life tribute to classic Chevys on my curb, I knew his idea of a replacement was probably going to be… a lot. I’d been right on the mark about that. But even I couldn’t imagine that he’d get me _two_ cars.

The “before” car and the “after” car, he’d reluctantly explained when I’d lost the ability to speak in coherent sentences.

This was just the “before” car. He’d told me it was mine as long as I needed it. It hadn’t made any sense to me at the time. I understood now.

Apparently, Edward felt I was so fragilely human, so accident-prone, and so much a victim to my own dangerous bad luck, that I needed a tank-resistant car to keep me safe. I wanted to be upset, but at this point there really was no arguing with Edward. He worried endlessly about my safety, and if this helped ease some of that worry then maybe it wasn’t the worst thing in the world.

I sighed.

I hadn’t even seen the “after” car yet. It was hidden under a cover in the deepest corner of the Cullens’ garage. I knew most people would have peeked by now, but I didn’t really want to know. Especially since I might not see it for years—or ever.

Probably no body armor on that car—because I wouldn’t need it when the cover came off. That car was for me in the event I ever decided to end my mortal life and begin an immortal one. If I ever chose to become like the rest of the Cullens.

“Hey,” the tall man called, cupping his hands to the glass in an effort to peer in. “We’re done now. Thanks a lot!”

“You’re welcome,” I called back, and then tensed as I started the engine and eased the pedal—ever so gently—down…

 

No matter how many times I drove down the familiar road home, I still couldn’t make the rain-faded flyers fade into the background. Each one of them, stapled to telephone poles and taped to street signs, was like a fresh stab to the heart. My mind was sucked back into the thought I’d pushed back before. I couldn’t avoid it on this road. Not with pictures of _my favorite mechanic_ flashing past me at regular intervals.

My best friend. My Jacob.

The HAVE YOU SEEN THIS BOY? posters were not Jacob’s father’s idea. It had been _my_ father, Charlie, who’d printed up the flyers and spread them all over town. And not just Forks, but Port Angeles an Sequim and Hoquiam and Aberdeen and every other part of town in the Olympic Peninsula. He’d made sure that all the police stations in the state of Washington had the same flyer hanging on the wall, too. His own station had a whole corkboard dedicated to finding Jacob. A corkboard that was mostly empty, much to his disappointment and frustration.

My dad was disappointed with more than the lack of response. He was most disappointed with Billy, Jacob’s father—and Charlie’s closest friend.

For Billy’s not being more involved with the search for his seventeen-year-old “runaway.” For Billy’s refusing to put the flyers in La Push, the reservation on the coast that was Jacob’s home. For his seeming resigned to Jacob’s disappearance, as if there was nothing he could do. For his saying, “Jacob’s grown up now. He’ll come home if he wants to.”

And he was frustrated with me, for taking Billy’s side.

I wouldn’t put up posters, either. Because both Billy and I knew where Jacob was, roughly speaking, and we also knew that no one had seen this _boy_.

The flyers put the usual big, fat lump in my throat, the usual stinging tears in my eyes, and I was glad Edward was out hunting this Saturday. If Edward saw my reaction, it would only make him feel terrible, too.

Of course, being that it was a Saturday, that meant that Charlie would be home. As I turned slowly and carefully onto my street, I could see my dad’s police cruiser in the driveway. He’d skipped fishing again today. Still in a bit of a tizzy over the wedding.

Since he was home, I couldn’t make a call inside. But I _had_ to call…

I parked along the curb behind the Chevy sculpture and pulled my cell phone out of my pocket. I dialed, keeping my finger on the “end” button as the phone rang. Just in case.

“Hello?” Seth Clearwater answered, and I sighed in relief. I was way too chicken to speak to his older brother, Liam. The phrase “bite my head off” was not entirely a figure of speech when it came to Liam.

“Hey Seth, it’s Beau.”

“Oh, hiya, Beau! How are you?”

Choked up. Desperate for reassurance. “I’m fine, Seth. Thanks.”

“Calling for an update?”

“You’re psychic.”

“Not hardly. I’m no Alice—you’re just predictable,” he joked. Among the Quileute pack down at La Push, only Seth was comfortable even mentioning the Cullens by name, let alone joking about things like my nearly omniscient sister-in-law-to-be.

“I know I am.” I hesitated for a minute. “How is he?”

Seth sighed. “Same as ever. He won’t talk, though we know he hears us. He’s trying not to think _human_ , you know. Just going with his instincts.”

“Do you know where he is?”

“Somewhere in northern Canada. I can’t tell you which province. He doesn’t pay much attention to state lines.”

“Any hint that he might…”

“He’s not coming home, Beau. Sorry.”

I swallowed. “’S’okay, Seth. I knew before I asked. I just can’t help wishing.”

“Yeah. We all feel that same way.”

“Thanks for putting up with me, Seth. I know the others must give you a hard time.”

“They’re not your hugest fans,” he agreed cheerfully. “Kind of lame, I think. Jacob made his choices, you made yours. Jake doesn’t like their attitude about it. ‘Course, he isn’t super thrilled that you’re checking up on him, either.”

I gasped. “I thought he wasn’t talking to you?”

“He can’t hide everything from us, hard as he’s trying.”

So Jacob knew I was worried. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. Well, at least he knew I hadn’t skipped off into the sunset and forgotten him completely. He might have imagined me capable of that.

“I guess I’ll see you at the wedding,” I said.

“Yeah, me and my mom will be there. It was cool of you to ask us.”

I smiled at the enthusiasm in his voice. Having Seth there would be nice—a link, however tenuous, to my missing best man. “It wouldn’t be the same without you.”

“Tell Edward I said hi, ‘kay?”

“Sure thing, Seth.”

I shook my head, amused. The friendship that had sprung up between Edward and Seth was something that still boggled my mind. It was proof, though, that things didn’t have to be this way. That vampires and werewolves could get along just fine if they were of a mind to. Maybe they just needed something to unite them.

Sadly, not everyone liked this idea.

“Ah,” Seth said, his voice cracking up an octave. “Er, Liam’s home.”

“Oh! Bye!”

The phone went dead. I slid it into my pocket and prepared myself mentally to go inside the house, where Charlie would be waiting.

My poor dad had so much to deal with right now. Jacob-the-runaway was just _one_ of the straws on his overburdened back. He was almost as worried about me, his barely-a-legal-adult son who was about to get married—to a _man_ —in just a few days time.

I walked slowly through the light rain, remembering the night we’d told him…

 

As the sound of Charlie’s cruiser announced his return, the ring suddenly weighed a hundred pounds on my finger. I wasn’t ashamed of it, of course, but I understood it was a _lot_ for Charlie—for anyone. I was grateful for Edward’s cool hands holding mine, keeping me calm.

“It will be fine, Beau. I’m right here.”

“I know, I know. I’m just nervous.”

I listened to the sound of my father’s boots approaching on the sidewalk. The key rattled in the already open door. I took a deep, steadying breath.

“Calm down, Beau,” Edward whispered, listening to the acceleration of my heart.

The door slammed against the wall, and I flinched. My nerves were wound too tight.

“Dang door,” Charlie mumbled to himself.

“Hey, Charlie,” Edward called, entirely relaxed.

“Wait!” I protested under my breath.

“What?” Edward whispered back.

“Let’s wait till he hangs his gun up.” I think I was joking. I couldn’t actually tell.

Edward chuckled and ran his free hand through his tousled bronze hair.

Charlie came around the corner, and he managed something close to a smile when he spied us sitting together on the loveseat. Lately, he’d been putting forth a lot of effort to like Edward more. Now, I was worried this revelation would hamper those efforts.

“Hey, kids. What’s up?”

“We’d like to talk to you,” Edward said, so serene. “We have some news.”

Charlie’s expression went from mildly strained friendliness to hard suspicion in a second.

“News?” Charlie raised an eyebrow at me.

“Good news.” I assured him, “Have a seat, Dad.”

His eyebrow stayed firmly raised, stared at me for five seconds, then cautiously crossed to the recliner and sat down on the very edge, his back ramrod straight.

“Don’t get worked up, Dad,” I said after a moment of loaded silence. “Everything’s okay.”

Edward grimaced, and I knew it was in objection to the word _okay_. He probably would have preferred words like _wonderful_ or _perfect_ or _glorious_. But I was trying not to freak Charlie out.

“Is it, Beau?” Charlie eyed me suspiciously. “If everything is so great, then why are you sweating bullets?”

“I’m not sweating,” I lied.

Charlie sighed. “Come on, kiddo, what’s going on?”

I opened my mouth to speak but my voice caught in my throat. I couldn’t understand why this was so hard for me. Maybe because in the back of my head, I knew Charlie had gone through a marriage at a very young age—a marriage that had failed. Maybe because I knew Charlie worried about me, about what the world might say, about the closed-mindedness I could encounter out in the world. I knew that if he expressed any opposition it was only because he loved me. I still couldn’t speak. I looked up at Edward, desperate for help.

He smiled at me and then squared his shoulders and turned to my father.

“Charlie, I realize that I’ve gone about this out of order. Traditionally, I should have asked you first. I mean no disrespect, but since Beau has already said yes and I don’t want to diminish his choice in the matter, instead of asking you for his hand, I’m asking you for your blessing. We’re getting married, Charlie. I love him more than anything in the world, more than my own life, and—by some miracle—he loves me that way, too. Will you give us your blessing?”

He sounded so sure, so calm. For just an instant, listening to the absolute confidence in his voice, I experienced an illuminating moment of insight. I could see the way the world looked to him. It helped me to better understand the ‘old-timey’ way he went about things.

And then I caught sight of the expression on Charlie’s face, his eyes now locked on the ring.

I held my breath, waiting for his response. I couldn’t read minds like Edward, but I didn’t need to. I saw all the emotions play across Charlie’s face, the surprise, the concern, the sadness. I started to get up—I’m not sure what I planned to do; hug him? Leave the room? I didn’t know—but Edward squeezed my hand and murmured “Give him a minute” so low that only I could hear.

The silence lasted for a long moment. Then, gradually, Charlie’s expression became more neutral. Then his lips pursed, and his eyebrows furrowed; I recognize his “deep in thought’ expression. He studied the two of us for a long moment, and I felt Edward relax at my side.

“Guess I’m not that surprised,” Charlie sighed. “Knew something like this might happen sooner or later.”

I exhaled.

“You’re sure about this?” Charlie questioned, looking directly at me.

“I’m one hundred percent sure,” I told him without missing a beat.

“I know you love him, kiddo, but…” He sighed, “Are you kids sure you want to get married? I mean, what’s the rush?” He asked us intently.

I had expected this concern from Charlie. I couldn’t be upset that he was so worried. I knew it came from a place of love and care, from his own past experiences, and his fear of the unknown world out there.

“We’re going away to Dartmouth together in the fall, Charlie,” Edward reminded him. “I’d like to do that, well, the right way. It’s how I was raised.” He shrugged.

He wasn’t exaggerating; they’d been big on old-fashioned morals during World War I.

Charlie’s mouth twisted to the side. Mulling over everything. “I love you, kiddo. If this is what you want, what makes you happy, and you’re absolutely _sure_ you’ve thought it through…” He trailed off. Then he sighed. “It’s a mean world out there, Beau. A real mean, pig-headed world out there.”

“I know, Dad. And I love you, too.” I assured him. “And I understand what you mean, but we’ll be okay— _I’ll_ be okay.”

“Alright, Beau.” Charlie nodded slowly, considering everything. He looked at Edward for a long moment and his face became very serious. “You have my blessing,” He started. Edward and I both began to smile, until Charlie held up one finger, “But—” I held my breath again. “ _You_ have to tell your mother.”

 

I paused with my hand on the doorknob, smiling. Sure, at the time, Charlie’s words had terrified me. The ultimate doom; telling Renée. Early marriage was higher up on her blacklist than boiling live puppies.

Who could have foreseen her response? Not me. Certainly not Charlie. Maybe Alice, but I hadn’t thought to ask her.

 

“Well, Beau,” Renée had said after I nervously stuttered out the words: _Edward and I are getting married._ “I’m a little miffed that you waited so long to tell me. Plane tickets only get more expensive. Oooh,” she’d fretted. “Do you think Phil’s cast will be off by then? It will spoil the pictures if he’s not in a tux—”

“Sorry, Mom, back up a second.” I stopped her. “What do you mean, waited so long? I just got engaged, like, literally _today_.”

“Today? Really? That _is_ a surprise. I assumed…”

“What did you assume? _When_ did you assume?”

“Well, when you came to visit me in April, it looked like things were pretty much sewn up, if you know what I mean. You’re not very hard to read, sweetie—you’ve always been my open book! But I didn’t say anything because I knew it wouldn’t do any good. You’re exactly like Charlie.” She’d sighed, resigned. “Once you make up your mind, there is no convincing you otherwise. Of course, exactly like Charlie, you stick by your decisions, too.”

And then she’d said the last thing I’d ever expected to hear from my mother.

“You’re not making my mistakes, Beau. You sound like you’re scared silly, and I’m guessing it’s because you’re afraid of _me_.” She’d giggled. “Of what I’m going to think. And I know I’ve said a lot of things about marriage and stupidity—and I’m not taking them back—but you need to realize that those things specifically applied to _me_. You’re a completely different person than I am. You make your own kinds of mistakes, and I’m sure you’ll have your share of regrets in life. But commitment was never your problem, sweetie. You have a better chance of making this work than most forty-year-olds I know.” Renée had laughed again. “My little middle-aged child. Luckily, you seem to have found another old soul.”

Despite my utter shock, I couldn’t help but laugh at the irony of the accuracy of that last statement.

“You’re not… mad? You don’t think I’m making a mistake and rushing into things?”

“Well, sure, I wish you’d wait a few more years. I mean, do I look old enough to be a mother-in-law to you? Don’t answer that. But this isn’t about me. This is about you. Are you happy?”

“I don’t know, I think I’m having an out-of-body experience right now.”

Renée had chuckled. “Does he make you happy, Beau?”

“Very much.”

“Are you ever going to want anyone else?”

“Nope. Never.”

“So, why would I think you were making a mistake?”

“I don’t know, Mom. I thought you’d tell me I sounded like exactly every other infatuated teenager since the dawn of time.”

“You’ve never been a teenager, sweetie. You know what’s best for _you_.”

 

For the last few weeks, my mom had unexpectedly immersed herself in wedding plans. She’d spent hours every day on the phone with Edward’s mother, Esme—no worries about the in-laws getting along. Renée _adored_ Esme, but then, I doubted anyone could help responding that way to my lovable almost-mother-in-law.

It left me without much to worry about; Edward’s family and my family were taking care of everything, leaving me with almost nothing to do.

Charlie had become more relaxed after talking to Renée. She assured him we would be okay—that even though we were young, we knew what we were doing--and that the world was coming around and we’d have each other and our families if we ever needed them. Once Charlie felt more at ease about the whole idea, he threw himself into the planning and preparing which—on top of everything else he was worried about—left him a little stressed out.

“Dad?” I called as I pushed open the front door. “I’m home.”

“Hold on, kiddo, stay right there.”

“Huh?” I asked, pausing automatically.

“Gimme a second. Ouch, you got me, Alice.”

Alice?

“Sorry, Charlie,” Alice’s trilling voice responded. “How’s that?”

“I’m bleeding on it.”

“You’re fine. Didn’t break the skin—trust me.”

“What’s going on?” I demanded, hesitating in the doorway.

“Thirty seconds, please, Beau,” Alice told me. “Your patience will be rewarded.”

“What she said,” Charlie added.

I counted down in my head. Before I got to thirty, Alice said, “Okay, Beau, come in!”

Moving with caution, I rounded the little corner into our living room.

“Oh,” I gasped. “Aw, Dad. You look so—”

“Silly?” Charlie interrupted.

“I was thinking more like _debonair_.”

Charlie laughed. Alice took his elbow and tugged him around into a slow spin to showcase the pale gray tux.

“Now, come on, Alice. I’m not some fashion model.”

“No one dressed by me ever looks like anything _less_ than a model, Charlie.”

“She’s right, Dad. You look fantastic!” I smiled. “What’s the occasion?” I feigned ignorance.

Alice rolled her eyes. “Ha, ha. It’s the final check on the fit. For both of you.”

I peeled my gaze off the unusually elegant Charlie for the first time and saw the ominous black garment bag laid carefully across the sofa.

“Ah.”

“What’s _that_ look for?” Alice glared.

“Are we absolutely sure it’s perfect? Because if it’s not, don’t worry—we can just rent a tuxedo.”  I shrugged, teasing Alice further.

“Very funny, now let’s go!” Alice scooped up the bag as she spoke.

“Alright, alright.” I laughed.

I climbed the stairs to my room. Alice handed me the bag outside my door and I went into my room, closing the door behind me. As I opened the garment bag, I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror.

This was it. It was happening. I began to imagine the next few days, then the next few weeks, months, years even. I couldn’t imagine the wedding, because I had no idea what Alice, Renée, and Esme had put together—I gave them full creative control, after all. My imaginings began _after_ the wedding.

We were alone, just Edward and me. The setting was fuzzy and constantly in flux—it morphed from misty forest to cloud-covered city to Arctic night—because Edward was keeping the location of our honeymoon a secret to surprise me. But I wasn’t especially concerned about the _where_ part.

Edward and I would be together, and we would be _married_. An official married couple. We were going to Dartmouth College in the fall, and we were beginning our forever. But before ‘forever,’ there was one big thing—one big human experience—that I was hoping for. It was going to be a big step and I was ready for it. I couldn’t help but grin as I imagined it all. It was going to be amazing, it was going to be perfect.

Imagining it, I wasn’t nervous—I wasn’t scared. I didn’t mind that the whole town was talking about me. I didn’t think about the spectacle the wedding would be. I didn’t worry about tripping down the aisle or giggling at the wrong moment or being too young or the audience watching or even the empty seat where my best friend should be.

It was going to be me and Edward. Forever.

 


	2. Long Night

“I miss you already.”

“I don’t need to leave. I can stay…”

“Mmm. Don’t tempt me.”

It was quiet for a long moment, just the thud of my heart hammering, the broken rhythm of our ragged breathing, and the whisper of our lips moving in synchronization.

Sometimes it was so easy to forget that I was kissing a vampire. Not because he seemed ordinary or human—I couldn’t never for a second forget that I was holding someone who wasn’t human in my arms—but because he made it seem like nothing at all to have his lips against my lips, my face, my throat. He claimed he was long past the temptation my blood used to be for him, that the idea of losing me had cured him of any desire for it. But I knew the smell of my blood still caused him pain—still burned his throat like he was inhaling flames.

I opened my eyes and found his open, too, staring at my face. It always made me smile; the way he looked at me. Like I was some wonderful prize. It made me feel special.

Our gazes locked for a moment; his golden eyes were so deep that I imagined I could see all the way into his soul. It seemed silly that this fact—the existence of his soul—had ever been in question, even if he _was_ a vampire. He had the most beautiful soul, more beautiful that his brilliant mind or his incomparable face or his glorious body.

He looked back at me as if he could see my soul, too, and as if he liked what he saw.

He couldn’t see into my mind, though, the way he saw into everyone else’s. Who knew why—some strange glitch in my brain that made it immune to all the extraordinary and frightening things some immortals could do. It was only my mind that was immune; my body was still subject to vampires with abilities that worked in ways other than Edward’s. But I was seriously grateful to whatever it was that kept my thoughts a secret. I imagined some of Edward’s old-time sensibilities would be in for quite a shock if he could read my mind.

I pulled his face to mine again.

“Definitely staying,” he murmured a moment later.

“No, no. It’s your bachelor party. You have to go.”

I said the words, but the fingers of my right hand were still running through his bronze hair, my left hand still on the small of his back. His cool hands stroked my face.

“Bachelor parties are designed for those who are sad to see the passing of their single days. I couldn’t be more eager to have mine behind me. So there’s really no point.”

“True.” I breathed against the winter-cold skin of his throat.

I didn’t _want_ him to leave. In fact, I was pretty content at the moment. We were curled up on my small bed, intertwined as much as it was possible, considering the thick afghan I was swathed in like a cocoon. I hated the necessity of the blanket, but it sort of ruined the romance when my teeth started chattering. Charlie would noticed if I turned the heat on in August…

I felt Edward’s compromise was _very_ fair, though. If _I_ had to be bundled up, then _his_ shirt was on the floor. I never got over the shock of how perfect his body was—white, cool, and polished as marble. I ran my hand down his stone chest now, tracing across the flat planes of his stomach, just marveling. A light shudder rippled through him, and his mouth found mind again. Carefully, I let the tip of my tongue press against his glass-smooth lip, and he moaned. His sweet breath washed—cold and delicious—over my face.

He started to pull away—that was his automatic response whenever he worried things were going too far, his reflex reaction whenever he most wanted to keep going. Edward had spent most of his life rejecting any kind of physical gratification. I knew it was terrifying to him trying to change those habits now.

“Hold on,” I said, gripping his shoulders and hugging myself close to him. I kicked one leg free of the blanket and wrapped it around his waist. “Practice makes perfect.”

He let out another moan. “Well, we should be fairly close to perfection by this point, then, shouldn’t we? Have you slept at all in the last month?”

“Well, this is dress rehearsal,” I reminded him, “and we’ve only practiced certain scenes. It’s no time for playing safe.”

He smirked, and his icy hand ran down my bare leg, he started leaning in deeper to me, he planted gentle kisses on my neck and my fingers tangled in his hair. His hands reached my thigh and I let out a soft whimper. He growled in response and his fingers began to move further up my thigh. My pulse quickened, and my breath became ragged.

“Edward…” I moaned.

Instantly his lips were on mine and his hand was under the blanket at my waist, in the passion of the moment my fingers pulled at his hair and his hand gripped the waistband of my underwear.

“Beau…” He groaned against my lips, his kisses becoming more frantic.

The sudden sound of fabric ripping startled me out of the moment, and Edward was a statue over me. I looked at his frozen face, the gold of his eyes seemed to harden from liquid to a solid and his lips were pressed into a hard line.

I lifted up the blanket and glanced down, my underwear had torn half way down the side where he had been gripping them.

“Oops,” I mumbled. “Um…”

“I don’t know,” He finally said, “if we can…” he trailed off.

“Come on, now,” I said softly, “don’t start this again. We talked about this.”

“I don’t know. It’s too hard to concentrate when you’re with me like this. I—I can’t think straight. I won’t be able to control myself. You’ll get hurt.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Beau…”

“Shh!” I pressed my lips to his to stop his panic attack. I pulled back and looked at him. “Come on, we said we’d try, didn’t we? And you were pretty insistent on me having all those human experiences, right?”

“Yes, but—”

“Nope. Stop worrying.” I sighed. “This is as far as we’re going tonight. When it’s actually… _showtime_ … We’ll, uh, take it slow!” I said encouragingly.

“Okay, Beau.” He sighed, finally relaxing—a little.

“Also, you’re buying me some new underwear.” I raised my eyebrow.

He finally chuckled, and I felt some relief.

“How are your feet?” he asked.

Knowing he didn’t mean that literally, I answered, “Toasty warm.”

“Really? No second thoughts? It’s not too late to change your mind.”

“Are you trying to ditch me?”

He chuckled again. “Just making sure. I don’t want you to do anything you’re not sure about.”

“I’m sure about you, Edward.”

“Are you?” he asked quietly. “Am I worth having to give up everything some day? What about Renée and Charlie?”

I knew what he meant, even I stayed human forever and lived out my human life by Edward’s side, we’d have to leave eventually. The Cullens couldn’t stay in one place for too long.

I sighed. “I’ll miss them with all of my heart,” I confessed. “But even if I can never _see_ them again, I can call, write letters…”

“Angela and Ben and Jessica and Mike?”

“I’ll miss my friends, too.” I smiled in the darkness. “Especially Mike. Oh, Mike! How will I go on?”

He growled.

I laughed but then was serious. “Edward, we’ve been through this and through this. I know it will be hard, but this is what I want. I want you. I want our forever.”

“But what if forever means…” He trailed off, unable—or unwilling—to say the words.

“Then so be it.” I shrugged.

“Frozen forever,” he whispered. “Never changing… never moving forward.”

“Maybe. But what’s so bad about that?”

“You know Royal’s feelings on the matter, you know how hard it was for him.” He said.

“I do.”

He sighed, and then his voice was fierce. “It’s not _right!_ I don’t want you to have to make sacrifices for me. I want to give you things, not take things away from you. I don’t want to steal your future. If I were human—”

I put my hand over his lips. “ _You_ are my future. The future I chose. Now stop. No moping, or I’m calling your brothers to come and get you. Maybe you _need_ a bachelor party.”

“I’m sorry. I am moping, aren’t I? Must be the nerves.”

“Are _your_ feet cold?”

“Not in that sense. I’ve been waiting a century to marry you, Beauregard Swan. The wedding ceremony is the one thing I can’t wait—” He broke off mid-thought. “Oh, for the love of all that’s holy!”

“What’s wrong?”

He gritted his teeth. “You don’t have to call my brothers. Apparently Emmett and Jasper are not going to let me bow out tonight.”

I clutched him closer for one second and then released him. I didn’t have a prayer of winning a tug-of-war with Emmett. “Have fun.”

There was a light thump against the window. Emmett’s giant shape, hanging from the frame of the window, blocked out the moonlight.

“If you don’t send him out, Beau,” Emmett’s low voice teased, “we’re coming in after him!”

“Emmett!” Edward hissed, dashing from the bed and scooping up his shirt, “Get out of here.”

I hopped out of bed and glared at him. “I don’t think I invited _you_ into my room.”

“I’m not _in_ your room.” Emmett snickered, “I’m still out—” He stopped. “Damn, bro, it’s not your honeymoon yet. You’re already ripping his clothes off?”

I glanced down and remembered the tear in my underwear and that I was standing there in nothing _but_ a tank top and my underwear. I quickly grabbed the afghan off the bed and wrapped it around myself.

“Okay, get down right now!” I hissed.

“I didn’t see anything!” Emmett countered.

“Emmett!” I hissed again.

And he was gone.

“Okay, go,” I laughed, standing on my toes to kiss Edward on the cheek. “ _Before_ they break my house… Or I throw something at Emmett.”

I heard Emmett snickering again from the yard.

Edward rolled his eyes, he leaned down and kissed my forehead.

“Get to sleep. You’ve got a big day tomorrow.”

“Thanks! That’s sure to help me wind down.”

“I’ll meet you at the altar.”

“I’ll be the one in white.” I smiled.

He chuckled as he sank into a crouch, his muscles coiled like a spring. He vanished—launching himself out my window too swiftly for my eyes to follow.

Outside there was a muted thud, and I heard Emmett curse.

“You’d better not make him late,” I murmured, knowing they could hear.

And then Jasper’s face was peering in my window, his honey hair silver in the weak moonlight that worked through the clouds.

“Don’t worry, Beau. We’ll get him home in plenty of time.”

I was suddenly very calm, and my nerves about the next day all seemed unimportant. Jasper was, in his own way, just as talented as Alice with her uncannily accurate predictions. Jasper’s medium was moods rather than the future, and it was impossible to resist feeling the way he wanted you to feel.

I sat down on my bed, wrapping my blanket tightly around me. “Jasper? What do vampires do for bachelor parties? You’re not taking him to a strip club, are you?”

“Don’t tell him anything!” Emmett growled from below. There was another thud, and Edward laughed quietly.

“Relax,” Jasper told me—and I did. “We Cullens have our own version. Just a few mountain lions, a couple of grizzly bears. Pretty much an ordinary night out.”

“Sexy.”

He laughed, winked, and dropped from sight.

It was completely silent outside. Charlie’s muffled snores droned through the walls.

I checked my phone, picking it up from the little nightstand next to my bed, once last time before laying down. There was a text message from Jessica to the group that her, Angela, and myself were in.

 _Can’t wait for tomorrow,_ Jessica said.

 _Thanks, Jess. I’m excited to see you there_. I responded.

A text from Angela popped up now, _Are you nervous?_

I thought about that for a moment, before responding, _Yeah, kind of. Excited and nervous_.

Jessica texted back, _I still can’t believe you’re getting married!_

 _Yeah, so crazy!_ Angela said.

 _You’re going to be married this time tomorrow!_ Jessica said.

 _I know, I still can’t totally wrap my head around it_. I replied.

 _OK, this is such a guy thing to say but I want all the wedding night details._ Jessica’s text made me laugh out loud.

Angela responded before I could, _Oh my gosh, Jess…_

 _I’ll consider giving some details_ , I humored Jessica.

 _Ugh, fine. See you tomorrow!_ Jessica said.

 _Goodnight, guys! See you tomorrow!_ Angela said.

I set my phone down and lay back against my pillow, sleepy now. I stared at the walls of my little room, bleached pale in the moonlight, from under heavy lids.

My last night in my room. My last night as Beauregard Swan. Tomorrow night, I would be Beau Cullen. I rather liked the sound of that.

I let my mind wander idly for a moment, expecting sleep to take me. But, after a few minutes, I found myself more alert, anxiety creeping back into my stomach, twisting it into uncomfortable positions. The bed seemed too soft, too warm without Edward in it. Jasper was far away, and all the peaceful, relaxed feelings were gone with him.

It was going to be a very long day tomorrow.

I was aware that most of my fears were stupid—I just had to get over myself. Attention was an inevitable part of life. I couldn’t always blend in with the scenery. However, I did have a few specific worries that were completely valid.

First there was my tuxedo for tomorrow. Alice clearly had let her artistic sense overpower practicalities on that one. The tuxedo was beautiful, to be sure, but it was exceedingly expensive— _obscenely_ expensive. I imagined all the ways I could ruin in by tripping, spilling food or drink on it.

Then there was the guest list.

Taras and his family, the Denali clan, would be arriving sometime before the ceremony.

It would be touchy to have Taras and his family in the same room with our guests from the Quileute reservation, Jacob’s father and the Clearwaters. The Denalis were no fans of the wolves. In fact, Taras’ brother Ivan was not coming to the wedding at all. He still nursed a vendetta against the wolves for killing his friend Laurent—just as Laurent was about to kill me. Thanks to that grudge, the Denalis had abandoned Edward’s family in their worst hour of need. It had been the unlikely alliance with the Quileute wolves that had saved all our lives when the horde of newborn vampires had attacked…

Edward had promised me it wouldn’t be dangerous to have the Denalis near the Quileutes. Taras and all his family—besides Ivan—felt horribly guilty for that defection. A truce with the wolves was a small price to make up some of that debt, a price they were prepared to pay.

That was the big problem, but there was a small problem, too: my self-esteem.

I’d never seen Taras before, but I was sure that meeting him wouldn’t be a pleasant experience for my ego. Once upon a time, before I was born probably, he’d made his play for Edward—not that I blamed Taras or anyone else for wanting Edward. Still, he would be beautiful at the very least and magnificent at best. Though Edward clearly—if surprisingly—preferred me, I wouldn’t be able to help making comparisons.

I had grumbled a little until Edward explained it all to me plainly.

“We’re the closest thing they have to a family, Beau,” he’d reminded me. “They still feel like orphans, you know, even after all this time.”

So I’d conceded. I could be a good sport, after all.

Taras had a big family now, almost as big as the Cullens. There were five of them; Taras, Kate, and Ivan had been joined by Carmen and Elena much the same way the Cullens had been joined by Alice and Jasper, all of them bonded by their desire to live more compassionately than normal vampires did.

For all the company, though, Taras and his siblings were still alone in one way. Still in mourning. Because a very long time ago, they’d had a mother, too.

I could imagine the hole that loss would leave, even after a thousand years; I tried to visualize the Cullen family without their creator, their center, and their guide—their father, Carlisle. I couldn’t see it.

Carlisle had explained Taras’ history during one of the many nights I’d stayed late at the Cullens’ home, learning as much as I could, preparing as much as was possible for the future I’d chosen. Taras’ mother’s story was one among many, a cautionary tale illustrating just one of the rules I would need to be aware of if I joined the immortal world. Only one rule, actually—one law that broke down into a thousand different facets: _Keep the secret_.

Keeping the secret meant a lot of things—living inconspicuously like the Cullens, moving on before humans could suspect they weren’t aging. Or keeping clear of humans altogether—except at mealtime—the way nomads like James and Victor had lived; the way Jasper’s friends, Peter and Charlotte, still lived. It meant keeping control of whatever new vampires you created, like Jasper had done when he’d lived with Maria. Like Victor had failed to do with his newborns.

These were all ways one could fail to keep the secret.

“I don’t know Taras’ mother’s name,” Carlisle had admitted, his golden eyes, almost the exact shade of his fair hair, sad with remembering Taras’ pain. “They never speak of her if they can avoid it, never think of her willingly.

“The woman who created Taras, Kate, and Ivan—who loved them, I believe—lived many years before I was born, what I can gather about her, though, is that she was always regretful of her immortal life. She missed her mortality so greatly that it gnawed away at her for much of her existence. There was a village she was fond of, that she would frequently visit. It may even have been the village she lived in before her immortal life, I do not know for certain. Eventually, the woman she had been was forgotten and she became known as some sort of goddess-like creature to the people of that village—they thought her some sort of angel on earth. They even began to worship her.

“She broke the rules, she clung too deeply to the mortal world and hid nothing.” He shook his head, sadly. “The Volturi became involved, of course.”

I’d flinched as I always did at that name, but of course the legion of Italian vampires— royalty in their own estimation—was central to this story. There couldn’t be a law if there was no punishment; there couldn’t be a punishment if there was no one to deliver it. The ancients Aro, Caius, and Marcus ruled the Volturi forces; I’d only met them once, but in that brief encounter, it seemed to me that Aro, with his powerful mind-reading gift—one touch, and he knew every thought a mind had ever held—was the true leader.

This royal vampire family was another reason I may have to leave my human life behind one day. When I had met them, my humanity had proven to be quite the problem. I was allowed to live, but only on the promise that I would be turned into a vampire myself. The Volturi had vowed to one day check in and make sure the Cullens had, in fact, followed through on that promise. The threat of that visit meant that I either had to be ready to run or give up my mortality at a moment’s notice.

I’d all but forgotten the Denali siblings’ mother when the story returned to her.

“It is unclear precisely what happened with Taras’ mother,” Carlisle had said. “Taras, Kate, and Irina were entirely oblivious until the day the Volturi came for them, their mother already their prisoners. It was ignorance that saved Taras and his siblings lives. Aro touched them and saw their total innocence, so they were not punished with their mother.

“None of them had ever seen the village before, or even knew of its existence, until the day they watched it burn along with their mother. I can only guess that she had kept her secret to protect them from this exact outcome. But why had she risked everything for this little village? Did she love it and the attention she received there more than the family she had created? Taras and the others never received an answer to these questions. But they could not doubt their mother’s guilt, and I don’t think they’ve ever truly forgiven her.

“Even with Aro’s perfect assurance that Taras, Kate, and Ivan were innocent, Caius wanted them to burn. Guilty by association. They were lucky that Aro felt like being merciful that day. Taras and his siblings were pardoned, but left with unhealing hearts and a very healthy respect for the law…”

I’m not sure where exactly the memory turned into a dream. One moment it seemed that I was listening to Carlisle in my memory, looking at his face, and then a moment later I was standing in a golden meadow—mine and Edward’s meadow. I turned, and there he was, beautiful and perfect and smiling. He was dressed entirely in white, in clothes from another time, as was I.

It was the wedding, or at least some fantasy version of it. White rose petals seemed to be falling from the sky and everything was beautiful and perfect.

Then, suddenly, the light shifted, everything around me grew dark I turned and found myself face to face with a wall of cloaked Volturi guards all whispering and hissing in impossibly fast voices, I reached for Edward but when my hands found his they were wet and warm. I looked down and saw why; they were covered in blood.

Our hands  _and_ our clothes were covered with blood. As I felt the horror rising within me, a figure broke through the line of Volturi guards; Aro, smiling wickedly at me. I took a panicked step back, nearly tripping over something at my feet; an arm.

The horror overtook me completely as I realized we weren’t standing on the ground. We were standing atop a pile of human bodies, drained and lifeless, and I knew them all—Angela, Ben, Jessica, Mike… And directly beneath me were the bodies of my father and mother.

Aro reached out toward me, holding an ornate hand mirror. He held it up to my face and I saw my reflection; white as snow, hard as marble, blood dripping from my mouth, and my eyes were crimson red.


	3. Big Day

I sat bolt upright in bed.

I was shivering and gasping in my warm bed for several minutes, trying to break free of the nightmare. The sky outside my window turned gray and then pale pink while I waited for my heart to slow.

When I was fully back to the reality of my messy, familiar room, I was annoyed with myself. What a nightmare to have before my wedding! That’s what I got for obsessing over disturbing stories and frivolous fears in the middle of the night.

Eager to shake off the nightmare, I got dressed and headed down to the kitchen long before I needed to. First I cleaned the already tidy rooms, and then when Charlie was up I made him pancakes. I was much too keyed up to have any interest in eating breakfast myself—I sat bouncing in my seat while he ate.

“You’re picking up Mr. Weber at three o’clock,” I reminded him.

“I don’t have that much to do today besides bring the minister, kiddo. I’m not likely to forget my only job.” Charlie had taken the entire day off for the wedding, and he was definitely at loose ends. Now and then, his eyes flickered furtively to the closet under the stairs, where he kept his fishing gear—his tried and true stress-reliever.

“It’s really great of Mr. Weber that he was so willing to perform the ceremony, considering it isn’t traditional.” I mused. “Also, Dad, picking up Mr. Weber is not your only job. You also have to be dressed and presentable.”

He scoffed and muttered the words “monkey suit” under his breath.

There was a brisk tapping on the front door.

“You think you have it bad,” I said, grimacing as I rose. “Alice will probably be working on me all day long.”

Charlie nodded thoughtfully, conceding that he did have the lesser ordeal. I gave him a quick hug as I passed and then continued on to get the door for my best girlfriend and soon-to-be-sister.

Alice’s short black hair was smoothed into a timeless update on a nineteen twenties finger wave that was soft and gentle, which was in stark contrast to her businesslike expression. She dragged me from the house with barely a “Hey, Charlie” called over her shoulder.

Alice appraised me as I got into her Porsche.

“Oh, hell, look at your eyes!” She _tsk_ ed in reproach. “What did you _do_? Stay up all night?”

“Almost.”

She glowered. “I’ve only allotted so much time to make you stunning, Beau—you might have taken better care of my raw material.”

“No one expects me to be stunning. I think the bigger problem is that I might fall asleep during the ceremony and not be able to say ‘I do’ at the right part, and then Edward will make his escape.”

She laughed. “I’ll throw my bouquet at you when it gets close.”

“Thanks.”

“At least you’ll have plenty of time to sleep on the plane tomorrow.”

I raised one eyebrow. _Tomorrow_ , I mused. If we were heading out tonight after the reception, and we would still be on a plane tomorrow… well, we weren’t going to Boise, Idaho. Edward hadn’t dropped a single hint. I wasn’t too stressed about the mystery, but it _was_ strange not knowing where I would be sleeping tomorrow night. Or hopefully _not_ sleeping…

Alice realized that she’d given something away, and she frowned.

“You’re all packed and ready,” she said to distract me.

It worked. “Alice, I wish you would let me pack my own things!”

“It would have given too much away.”

“And denied you an opportunity to shop.”

“You’ll be my brother officially in ten short hours… it’s about time to get over this aversion to new clothes.”

I glowered groggily out the windshield until we were almost to the house.

“Is he back yet?” I asked.

“Don’t worry, he’ll be there before the music starts. But you don’t get to see him, no matter when he gets back. We’re doing this the traditional way.”

I snorted. “Traditional!”

“Okay, aside from the groom and groom.”

“You know he’s already peeked.”

“Oh no—that’s why I’m the only one who’s seen you in your tuxedo. I’ve been very careful to not think about it when he’s around.”

“Well,” I said as we turned into the drive, “I see you got to reuse your graduation decorations.” Three miles of drive were once again wrapped in hundreds of thousands of twinkle lights. This time, there were white lanterns hanging from the trees as well.

“Waste not, want not. Enjoy this, because you don’t get to see the inside decorations until it’s time.” She pulled into the cavernous garage north of the main house; Emmett’s big jeep was still gone.

“Aren’t I more or less the bride in this situation? Since when is the bride not allowed to see the decorations?” I protested.

“Since he put me in charge. I want you to get the full impact coming down the stairs.”

She clapped her hands over my eyes before she let me inside the kitchen. I was immediately assailed by the scent.

“What is _that_?” I wondered as she guided me into the house.

“Is it too much?” Alice’s voice was abruptly worried. “You’re the first human in here; I hope I got it right.”

“It smells wonderful!” I assured her—almost intoxicating, but not at all overwhelming, the balance of the different fragrances was subtle and flawless. “Orange blossoms… lilac… and something else—am I right?”

“Very good, Beau. You only missed the freesia and the roses.”

She didn’t uncover my eyes until we were in her oversized bathroom. I stared at the long counter, covered in all the paraphernalia of a beauty salon, and began to feel my sleepless night.

“Is this really necessary? I’m only going to look so good.”

She pushed me down into a low gray chair. “You’ll look amazing by the time I’m through with you.”

“Okay, Alice,” I yawned, leaning back in the chair. “Wake me up when it’s time to start walking down the aisle.” I closed my eyes, hoping I’d be able to nap through it. I did drift in and out a little bit while she masked, buffed, and polished me.

It was after lunchtime when Royal glided past the bathroom door in a silver-gray tuxedo with his golden hair pulled back into an ornately braided bun on the back of his head. He was so beautiful it left me breathless.

“They’re back,” Royal said, and I immediately perked up.

“Keep Edward out of here!” Alice commanded.

“He won’t cross you today,” Royal reassured her. “He values his life too much. Esme’s got them all finishing things up out back. Do you want some help? I could do his hair.”

My jaw fell open. I floundered around in my head, trying to remember how to close it.

I had never been Royal’s favorite person in the world. Though he had his impossible beauty, his loving family, and his soul mate in Emmett, he would have traded it all to be human. When I’d first stumbled into the Cullens’s lives, he had been personally offended at the thought that I would so easily trade away my humanity for immortality. We had reached a sort of understanding though, when he found out I was adamant that I would stay human.

Even then, Royal had lived in a time when loving another man had effectively ended his life, and a part of him did resent that, despite the occasional homicidal vampire, I had things so much easier than he had. So his offer to help was… surprising.

“Sure,” Alice said easily. “I want to really highlight how long his hair is getting.” Her hands started combing through my hair. “I want it to look natural, with some shine, and these beautiful curls are the star!”

“Are you sure we shouldn’t just cut it, Alice? It’s getting pretty long.” I asked catching one of the jaw length curls between my fingers.

“I think you look great, Beau.” Royal assured me, replacing Alice’s hands with his own, shaping my hair with a feather-light touch. “Don’t worry, I know a thing or two about long hair.” He smirked at me in the mirror.

I smiled back as he gently styled my hair back and away from my face, tucking the long curls behind my ears. Alice applied some expensive moisturizers to my face, and a few dots of concealer to hide the circles under my eyes.

Once Royal had received Alice’s commendation on my hair, he was sent off to retrieve my tux and then to locate Jasper, who had been dispatched to pick up my mother and her husband, Phil, from their hotel. Downstairs I could faintly hear the door opening and closing over and over. Voices began to float up to us.

Alice had me get up and put my tux on. At first, I had no problems, but as I continued getting dressed I felt myself growing more and more nervous. By the time I was trying to button the waistcoat, my hands were shaking so bad Alice had to do it for me.

“Deep breaths, Beau,” Alice soothed me. “And try to lower your heart rate. You’re going to start sweating all over your tux.”

I narrowed my eyes at her as I inhaled deeply. “I’ll get right on that.” I breathed out.

She slid the jacket onto my shoulders. “I have to get dressed now. Can you hold yourself together for two minutes?”

“Um… maybe?”

She rolled her eyes and darted out the door.

I concentrated on my breathing, counting each movement of my lungs, and stared at the patterns that the bathroom light made on the shiny fabric of my jacket lapel. I was afraid to look in the mirror—afraid the image of myself in this white tuxedo would send me over the edge into a full-scale panic attack.

Alice was back before I had taken two hundred breaths, in a dress that flowed down her slender body like a silvery waterfall.

“Alice—wow.”

“Do you like it?” She asked, spinning gracefully, “the color for the dresses was Edward’s idea. The tuxedos for the boys, too. He wanted them to match your beautiful eyes.”

I blushed.

“Now, are you in control of yourself, or do I have to bring Jasper up here?”

“They’re back? Is my mom here?”

“She just walked in the door. She’s on her way up.”

Renée had flown in two days ago, and I’d spent every minute I could with her—every minute that I could pry her away from Esme and the decorations, in other words. As far as I could tell, she was having more fun with this than a kid locked inside Disneyland overnight. Looking back, I felt silly for being so afraid of her reaction to being told about the wedding in the first place.

“Oh, Beau!” she squealed now, gushing before she was all the way through the door. “Oh, honey, you’re so handsome! Oh, I’m going to cry! Alice, you’re amazing! You and Esme should go into business as wedding planners. Where did you find this tuxedo? It’s gorgeous! So graceful, so elegant. Beau, you look like you just stepped out of an Austen movie.” My mother’s voice sounded a little distance away, everything in the room was slightly blurry. “Such a creative idea, designing the theme around Beau’s ring. So romantic! To think it’s been in Edward’s family since the eighteen hundreds!”

Alice and I exchanged a brief conspiratorial look. My mom was off on the tuxedo style by more than a hundred years. The tuxedo, like the overall aesthetic of the wedding were truthfully more inspired by Edward than my ring.

There was a loud, gruff throat-clearing in the doorway.

“Renée, Esme said it’s time you got settled down there,” Charlie said.

“Well, Charlie, don’t you look dashing!” Renée said in a tone that was almost shocked. That might have explained the crustiness of Charlie’s answer.

“Alice got to me.”

“Is it really time already?” Renée said to herself, sounding almost as nervous as I felt. “This has all gone so fast. I feel dizzy.”

That made two of us.

“Give me a hug before I go down,” Renée insisted. “Carefully now, I don’t want to get makeup on your tuxedo.”

My mother squeezed me gently around the waist, then wheeled for the door, only to complete the spin and face me again.

“Oh goodness, I almost forgot! Charlie, where’s the box?”

My dad rummaged in his pockets for a minute and then produced a small white box, which he handed to Renée. Renée lifted the lid and held it out to me.

“Something blue,” she said.

“Something old, too. They were your Grandpa Swan’s,” Charlie added. “We had a jeweler replace the paste stones with sapphires from your Grandma Higginbotham’s favorite earrings.”

Inside the box were two silver cufflinks with brilliant, dark blue sapphires on the ends.

My throat got all thick. “Mom, Dad… you shouldn’t have.”

“Alice wouldn’t let us do anything else,” Renée said. “Every time we tried, she all but ripped our throats out.”

A hysterical giggle burst through my lips.

Alice stepped up and quickly fastened the cufflinks in place on my sleeves. “That’s something old and something blue,” she mused, taking a few steps back to admire me. “And your tuxedo is new… so here—”

She tucked an intricately folded antique silk handkerchief into the pocket of my jacket.

“That’s mine and I want it back,” Alice told me.

“Okay, Alice.”

“You look wonderful, Beau.” She smiled, and I blushed. “There,” she said with satisfaction. “A little color—that’s all you needed. You are officially perfect.” With a little self-congratulatory smile, she turned to my parents. “Renée, we’ll meet you at the bottom of the stairs.”

“Yes, Ma’am.” Renée blew me a kiss and hurried out the door.

“Charlie, would you grab my flowers, please?”

While Charlie was out of the room, Alice tucked a stray curl behind my ear. She put a hand on my cheek and gave me an encouraging smile.

Charlie returned with a frothy white bouquet for her. The scent of roses and orange blossoms and freesia enveloped me in a soft mist.

Royal—the best musician in the family next to Edward—began playing the piano downstairs. Pachelbel’s Canon. I began hyperventilating.

“Easy, kiddo,” Charlie said. He turned to Alice nervously. “He looks a little sick. Do you think he’s going to make it?”

His voice sounded far away. I couldn’t feel my legs.

“He’d better.”

Alice stood right in front of me, on her tiptoes to better stare me in the eye, and gripped my wrists in her hard hands.

“Focus, Beau. Edward is waiting for you down there.”

I took a deep breath, willing myself into composure.

The music slowly morphed into a new song. Charlie nudged me. “Kiddo, we’re up to bat.”

“Beau?” Alice asked, still holding my gaze.

“Yes,” I squeaked. “I can do this.” I let her pull me from the room, with Charlie following close behind.

The music was louder in the hall. It floated up the stairs along with the fragrance of a million flowers. I concentrated on the idea of Edward waiting below to keep my feet moving forward.

The music was familiar, Wagner’s traditional march surrounded by a flood of embellishments.

“It’s my turn,” Alice chimed. “Count to five and follow me. Don’t forget to give your mother your arm when you get to the bottom.” She began a slow, graceful dance down the staircase. I should have realized that having Alice as my only bridesmaid was a mistake. I would look that much more uncoordinated coming behind her.

A sudden fanfare trilled through the soaring music. I recognized my cue.

“Don’t let me fall, Dad.” I whispered. Charlie put his hand on my back and give it a quick pat.

 _One step at a time_ , I told myself as we began to descend to the slow tempo of the march. I didn’t lift my eyes until my feet were safely on the flat ground, though I could hear the murmurs and rustling of the audience as I came into view. Blood flooded my cheeks at the sound; of course I could be counted on to be a blushing groom.

As soon as my feet were past the treacherous stairs, I automatically held out my arm for my mom. Hoping she was standing there. She hooked her arm through mine and gave it a squeeze. Then I finally lifted my eyes to look for Edward. For a brief second, I was distracted by the profusion of white blossoms that hung in garlands from everything in the room that wasn’t alive, dripping with long lines of silver gossamer ribbons. But I tore my eyes from the bowery canopy and searched across the rows of satin-draped chairs—blushing more deeply as I took in the crowd of faces all focused on me—until I found him at last, standing before an arch overflowing with more flowers, more gossamer.

I was barely conscious that Carlisle stood by his side, and Angela’s father behind them both. I didn’t see my new family or any of the guests—they would have to wait until later.

All I really saw was Edward’s face; my focus was entirely on him. His eyes were a buttery, burning gold; his perfect face was almost severe with the depth of his emotion. And then, as he met my blushing gaze, he broke into a breathtaking smile of exultation.

Suddenly, it was only the reminder of Charlie’s hand on my back, and Renée’s arm linked with mine that kept me from sprinting headlong down the aisle.

The march was too slow as I struggled to pace my steps to its rhythm. Mercifully, the aisle was relatively short. And then, at last, I was there. Edward held out his hand. Renée unlinked her arm from mine and put her hand on my back next to Charlie’s. I reached out my own shaking hand and placed it in Edward’s. And just like that, I was home.

Our vows were the simple, traditional words that had been spoken a million times, though never by a couple quite like us. We’d asked Mr. Weber to make only one small change. He obligingly traded the line “till death do us part” for the more appropriate “as long as we both shall live.”

In that moment, as the minister said his part, my world, which had been upside down for so long now, seemed to settle into its proper position. I saw just how silly I’d been for fearing this—as if it were an unwanted birthday gift or an embarrassing exhibition, like the prom. I looked into Edward’s shining, triumphant eyes and knew that I was winning, too. Because nothing else mattered but that I could stay with him

I didn’t realize I was crying until it was time to say the binding words.

“I do,” I managed to choke out in a nearly unintelligible whisper, blinking my eyes clear so I could see his face.

When it was his turn to speak, the words rang clear and victorious.

“I do,” he vowed.

Mr. Weber declared us Mr. and Mr. Cullen, and then Edward’s hands reached up to cradle my face, carefully, as if it were as delicate as the white petals swaying above our heads. I tried to comprehend, through the film of tears blinding me, the surreal fact that this amazing person was _mine_. His golden eyes looked as if they would have tears, too, if such a thing were not impossible. He bent his head toward mine, and I stretched up on the tips of my toes, throwing my arms around his neck.

He kissed me tenderly, adoringly; I forgot the crowd, the place, the time, the reason... only remembering that he loved me, that he wanted me, that I was his.

He began the kiss, but I had to end it; once I had run out of air, I gently pulled my self away from him and inhaled a deep, powerful breath. My first breath of our new life together. As he gazed down at me. On the surface his wide smile was loving and sweet. But underneath I could see the deep joy that echoed my own.

The crowd erupted into applause, and we turned our bodies to face our friends and family. But we couldn’t quite look away from each other’s faces to see them.

My mother’s arms were the first to find me, her tear-streaked face the first thing I saw when I finally tore my eyes from Edward. And then I was moving through the crowd, passed from embrace to embrace, only vaguely aware of who held me, my attention centered on Edward’s hand clutched tightly in my own. I did recognize the difference between the soft, warm hugs of my human friends and the gentle, cool embraces of my new family.

One scorching hug stood out from all the others—Seth Clearwater had braved the throng of vampires to stand in for my long-lost werewolf friend.


	4. Gesture

The wedding flowed into the reception party smoothly—proof of Alice’s flawless planning. It was just Twilight over the river; the ceremony had lasted exactly the right amount of time, allowing the sun to set behind the trees. The lights in the trees glimmered as Edward led me through the glass back doors, making the white flowers glow. There were another ten thousand flowers out here, serving as a fragrant, airy tent over the dance floor set up on the grass under two of the ancient cedars.

Things slowed down, relaxed as the mellow August evening surrounded us. The little crowd spread out under the soft shine of the twinkle lights, and we were greeted again by the friends we’d just embraced. There was time to talk now, to laugh.

“Congrats, guys,” Seth Clearwater told us, ducking his head under the edge of a flower garland. His mother, Sue, was tight by his side, eyeing the guests with wary intensity. Her face was thin and fierce, an expression that was accented by her short, severe hairstyle; it was as short as her both her sons—I wondered if she’d cut it the same way in a show of solidarity. Billy Black, on Seth’s other side, was not as tense as Sue.

When I looked at Jacob’s father, I always felt like I was seeing two people rather than just one. There was the old man in the wheelchair with the lined face and the white smile that everyone else saw. And then there was the direct descendant of a long line of powerful, magical chieftains, cloaked in the authority he’d been born with. Though the magic had—in the absence of a catalyst—skipped his generation, Billy was still a part of the power and the legend. It flowed straight through him. It flowed to his son, the heir to the magic, who had turned his back on it. That left Sam Uley to act as the chief of legends and magic now…

Billy seemed oddly at ease considering the company and the event—his black eyes sparkled like he’d just gotten some good news. I was impressed by his composure. This wedding must have seemed a very bad thing, the worst thing that could happen to his best friend’s son, in Billy’s eyes.

I knew it wasn’t easy for him to restrain his feelings, considering the challenge this event foreshadowed to the ancient treaty between the Cullens and the Quileutes—the treaty that prohibited the Cullens from ever creating another vampire. The wolves knew a breach might come one day, but the Cullens had no idea how they would react. Before the alliance, it would have meant an immediate attack. A war. But now that they knew each other better, would there be forgiveness instead?

As if in response to that thought, Seth leaned toward Edward, arms extended. Edward returned the hug with his free arm.

I saw Sue shudder delicately.

“It’s good to see things work out for you, man,” Seth said. “I’m happy for you.”

“Thank you, Seth. That means a lot to me.” Edward pulled away from Seth and looked at Sue and Billy. “Thank you, as well. For letting Seth come. For supporting Beau today.”

“You’re welcome,” Billy said in his deep, gravelly voice, and I was surprised at the optimism in his tone. Perhaps a stronger truce was on the horizon.

A bit of a line was forming, so Seth waved goodbye and wheeled Billy toward the food. Sue kept on hand on each of them.

Angela and Ben were the next to claim us.

“Beau, it was so beautiful,” Angela was still crying softly. “Congratulations.”

Ben bobbed his head in agreement.

Angela’s parents followed, then Mike and Jessica—who were, to my surprise, holding hands. I hadn’t heard they were together again. That was a nice surprise.

“Oh my god, Swan,” Jessica hugged me tightly, “I can’t believe it!”

“Me either.” I laughed softly.

“Once you guys are all settled, you’ll have to come visit me in California, okay?”

“Okay, Jess.”

Mike awkwardly held out a hand, “Congrats, Beau.”

“Thank you, Mike.”

Jessica grinned and began pulling Mike away, “We’re going to get some food.” She smiled, “Beau,” she looked at me pointedly, “I can’t _wait_ to hear all about the honeymoon!”

My eyes darted to Edward, outwardly he managed to keep his expression even, but I could see the hard line of his lips as he saw the exact meaning of what Jessica was implying in her mind. I began giggling.

Behind my human friends, were my new cousins-in-law, the Denali vampire clan. I realized I had stopped giggling and was holding my breath as the vampire in front—Taras, I assumed from the strawberry tint in his blond curls—reached out to embrace Edward. Next to him, three other vampires with golden eyes stared at me with open curiosity. One woman had long, pale blond hair, straight as corn silk. The other two women beside her were both black-haired, with a hint of an olive tone to their chalky complexions.

And they were all four so beautiful that it made my stomach flutter.

Taras was still holding Edward.

“Ah, Edward,” he said. “I’ve missed you.”

Edward chuckled and deftly maneuvered out of the hug, placing his hand lightly on Taras’ shoulder and stepping back, as if to get a better look at him. “It’s been too long, Taras, you look well.”

“So do you.”

“Let me introduce you to my husband.” It was the first time Edward had said the word since it was officially true; he seemed like he would explode with satisfaction saying it now. The Denalis all laughed lightly in respons. “Taras, this is my Beau.”

Taras was every bit as handsome as my worst nightmares had predicted. He eyed me with a look that was much more speculative than it was resigned, and then reached out to take my hand.

“Welcome to the family, Beau.” He smiled, a little rueful. “We consider ourselves Carlisle’s extended family, and I _am_ sorry about the, er, recent incident when we did not behave as such. We should have met you sooner. Can you forgive us?”

“Of course,” I said breathlessly. “It’s so nice to meet you.”

“The Cullens are all evened up in numbers now. Perhaps it will be our turn next, eh, Kate?” He grinned at the blonde.

“Keep the dream alive,” Kate said with a roll of her golden eyes. She took my hand from Taras’ and squeezed it gently. “Welcome, Beau.”

One of the dark-haired women put her hand on top of Kate’s. “I’m Elena, this is Carmen. We’re all so very pleased to finally meet you.”

“M-me, too,” I stuttered.

Taras glanced at the people waiting behind him—Charlie’s deputy, Mark, and his wife. Their eyes were huge as they took in the Denali clan.

“We’ll get to know each other later. We’ll have lots of time, I’m sure!” Taras grinned as he and his family moved on.

As many of the standard traditions as we could manage were kept. I was blinded by flashbulbs for the posed wedding photos, then more blinding flashes from cameras and cell phones as we held the knife over a spectacular cake—too grand, I thought, for our relatively intimate group of friends and family, a decent number of whom wouldn’t even be eating it. We took turns shoving cake in each other’s faces; Edward manfully swallowed his portion as I watched in disbelief. Alice fretted just behind me at every crump and drop of frosting that threatened to fall on our tuxedos.

And when the music started, Edward pulled me into his arms for the customary first dance; I went willingly, despite my fear of dancing—especially dancing in front of an audience—just happy to be with him. He did all the work, and I twirled effortlessly under the glow of a canopy of lights and the bright flashes from the cameras.

“Enjoying the party, Mr. Cullen?” he whispered in my ear.

I laughed. “That will take a while to get used to.”

“We have a while,” he reminded me, his voice exultant, and he leaned down to kiss me while we danced. Cameras clicked feverishly.

The music changed, and the mothers approached us on the dance floor.

Renée knew better than to expect me to dance well, so we moved safely from side to side in a tiny square formation. Edward and Esme spun around us like Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.

“Oh, Beau, I’m just so happy for you, honey.” She cried as we danced.

“Thanks, Mom.” I smiled.

“You’ll come visit us in Jacksonville, right?” She sniffled.

“Of course we will.” I laughed.

As the music wound down, I spotted Charlie off to the side of the dance floor, shifted his weight from his heels to his toes. I ambled over to him and stood at his side. After a moment he sighed.

“I’m going to miss you at home, Beau. I’m already lonely.”

I spoke through a tight throat, trying to make a joke of it. “I feel just horrible, leaving you to cook for yourself—it’s practically criminal negligence. You could arrest me.”

He grinned. “I suppose I’ll survive the food. Just call me whenever you can.”

“I promise.”

I didn’t have much time to talk, I was pulled back to the dance floor immediately. It seemed like I danced with everyone. Angela, Jessica, Alice, literally everyone took a turn. After what seemed like forever, I was happy for Edward to finally cut in, just half a minute after a new dance started.

“Still not that found of Mike, eh?” I commented as Edward whirled me away from him.

“Not when I have to listen to his thoughts. He’s lucky I didn’t kick him out. Or worse.”

“Yeah, right.”

“Have you had a chance to look at yourself?”

“Um. No, I guess not. Why?”

“Then I suppose you don’t realize how utterly, heart-breakingly handsome you are tonight. I’m not surprised Mike’s having difficulty with improper thoughts about a married man. I _am_ disappointed that Alice didn’t make sure you were forced to look in a mirror.”

“You are very biased, you know.”

He sighed and then paused and turned me around to face the house. The wall of glass reflected the party back like a long mirror. Edward pointed to a couple in the mirror directly across from us.

“Biased, am I?”

I caught just a glimpse of Edward’s reflection—a perfect duplicate of his perfect face—with a handsome dark-haired man at his side. His skin was ivory and smooth, his silver eyes were huge with excitement and framed with thick lashes. His full curls were pushed back from the contrasting angles of his face. The white tuxedo with the shimmering silver embroidery seemed to sparkle in the lights, cut so skillfully that his body looked elegant and graceful—while it was motionless, at least.

Before I could blink and make the handsome young man turn back into me, Edward suddenly stiffened and turned automatically in the other direction, as if someone had called his name.

“Oh!” He said. His browed furrowed for an instant and then smoothed out just as quickly.

Suddenly, he was smiling a brilliant smile.

“What is it?” I asked.

“A surprise wedding gift.”

“Huh?”

He didn’t answer; he just started dancing again, spinning me the opposite way we’d been headed before, away from the lights and then into the deep swath of night that ringed the luminous dance floor.

He didn’t pause until we reached the dark side of one of the huge cedars. Then Edward looked straight into the blackest shadow.

“Thank you,” Edward said to the darkness. “This is very... kind of you.”

“Kind is my middle name,” a husky familiar voice answered from the black night. “Can I cut in?”

I staggered backwards, and if Edward hadn’t been holding me I might have collapsed.

“Jacob!” I choked as soon as I could breathe. “Jacob!”

“Hey there, babe.”

I stumbled toward the sound of his voice. Edward kept his grip under my elbow until another set of strong hands caught me in the darkness. The heat from Jacob’s skin burned right through the fabric of my tuxedo as he pulled me close. He made no effort to dance; he just hugged me while I buried my face in his chest. He leaned down to press his cheek to the top of my head.

“Alice won’t forgive me if he doesn’t get his official turn on the dance floor,” Edward murmured, and I knew he was leaving us, giving me a gift of his own—this moment with Jacob.

“Oh, Jacob.” I was crying now; I couldn’t get the words out clearly. “Thank you.”

“Stop crying, Beau. You’ll ruin your suit. It’s just me.”

“Just? Oh, Jake! Everything is perfect now.”

He chuckled. “Yeah—the party can start. The best man finally made it.”

“Now _everyone_ I love is here.”

I felt his lips brush my hair. “Sorry I’m late, babe.”

“I’m just so happy you came!”

“That was the idea.”

I glanced toward the guests, but I couldn’t see through the dancers to the spot where I’d last seen Jacob’s father. I didn’t know if he’d stayed. “Does Billy know you’re here?” As soon as I asked, I knew that he must have—it was the only way to explain his uplifted expression before.

“I’m sure Sam’s told him. I’ll go see him when… when the party’s over.”

“He’ll be so glad you’re home.”

Jacob pulled back a little bit and straightened up. He left one hand on the small of my back and grabbed my right hand with the other. He cradled our hands to his chest; I could feel his heart beat under my palm, and I guessed that he hadn’t placed my hand there accidentally.

“I don’t know if I get more than just this one dance,” he said, and he began pulling me around in a slow circle that didn’t match the tempo of the music coming from behind us. “I’d better make the best of it.”

We moved to the rhythm of his heart under my hand.

“I’m glad I came,” Jacob said quietly after a moment. “I didn’t think I would be. But it’s good to see you... one more time. Not as sad as I’d thought it would be.”

“I don’t want you to feel sad.”

“I know that. And I didn’t come tonight to make you feel guilty.”

“No—it makes me very happy that you came. It’s the best gift you could have given me.”

He laughed. “That’s good, because I didn’t have time to stop for a real present.”

My eyes were adjusting, and I could see his face now, higher up than I expected. Was it possible that he was still growing? He had to be closer to seven feet than to six. It was a relief to see his familiar features again after all this time—his deep-set eyes shadowed under his thick black brows, his high cheekbones, his full lips stretched over his bright teeth in the sarcastic smile that matched his tone. His eyes were tight around the edges—careful; I could see that he was being _very_ careful tonight. He was doing all he could to make me happy, to not slip and show how much this cost him.

I’d never done anything good enough to deserve a friend like Jacob. “When did you decide to come back?”

“Consciously or subconsciously?” He took a deep breath before he answered his own question. “I don’t really know. I guess I’ve been wandering back this direction for a while, and maybe it’s because I was headed here. But it wasn’t until this morning that I really started _running_. I didn’t know if I could make it.” He laughed. “You wouldn’t believe how weird this feels—walking around on two legs again. And clothes! And then it’s more bizarre _because_ it feels weird. I didn’t expect that. I’m out of practice with the whole human thing.”

We revolved steadily.

“It would have been a shame to miss seeing you like this, though. That’s worth the trip right there. You look unbelievable, Beau. So handsome.”

“Alice invested a lot of time in me today. The dark helps, too.”

“It’s not so dark for me, you know.”

“Right.” Werewolf senses. It was easy to forget all the things he could do, he seemed so human. Especially right now.

“You cut your hair,” I noted.

“Yeah. Easier, you know. Thought I’d better take advantage of the hands.”

“It looks good,” I lied.

He snorted. “Right. I did it myself, with rusty kitchen shears.” He grinned widely. “I see you haven’t cut yours.” He observed, catching a long curl between two fingers for a moment, before returning his hand to the small of my back.

“Alice wouldn’t let me.”

He sighed after a moment, and his expression turned serious. “Are you happy, Beau?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.” I felt his shoulders shrug. “That’s the main thing, I guess.”

“How are you, Jacob? Really?”

“I’m fine, Beau, really. You don’t need to worry about me anymore. You can stop bugging Seth.”

“I’m not just bugging him because of you. I _like_ Seth.”

“He’s a good kid. Better company than some. I tell you, if I could get rid of the voices

in my head, being a wolf would be about perfect.”

I laughed at the way it sounded. “Yeah, I can’t get mine to shut up, either.”

“In your case, that would mean you’re insane. Of course, I already knew that you were insane,” he teased.

“Thanks.”

“Insanity is probably easier than sharing a pack mind. Crazy people’s voices don’t send babysitters to watch them.”

“Huh?”

“Sam’s out there. And some of the others. Just in case, you know.”

“In case of what?”

“In case I can’t keep it together, something like that. In case I decide to trash the party.” He flashed a quick smile at what was probably an appealing thought to him. “But I’m not here to ruin your wedding, Beau. I’m here to…” He trailed off.

“To make it perfect.”

“That’s a tall order.”

“Good thing you’re so tall.”

He groaned at my bad joke and then sighed. “I’m just here to be your friend. Your best friend, one last time.”

“Sam should give you more credit.”

“Well, maybe I’m being oversensitive. Maybe they’d be here anyway, to keep an eye on Seth. There are a _lot_ of vampires here. Seth doesn’t take that as seriously as he should.”

“Seth knows that he’s not in any danger. He understands the Cullens better than Sam does.”

“Sure, sure,” Jacob said, making peace before it could turn into a fight.

It was strange to have him being the diplomat.

“Sorry about those voices,” I said. “Wish I could make it better.” In so many ways.

“It’s not that bad. I’m just whining a little.”

“You’re... happy?”

“Close enough. But enough about me. You’re the star today.” He chuckled. “I bet you’re just _loving_ that. Center of attention.”

“Yeah. Can’t get enough attention.”

He laughed and then stared over my head. With pursed lips, he studied the shimmering glow of the reception party, the graceful whirl of the dancers, the fluttering petals falling from the garlands; I looked with him. It all seemed very distant form this black, quiet space. Almost like watching the white flurries swirling inside a snow globe.

“I’ll give them this much,” he said. “They know how to throw a party.”

“Alice is an unstoppable force of nature.”

He sighed. “Song’s over. Do you think I get another one? Or is that asking too much?”

I tightened my hand around his. “You can have as many dances as you want.”

He laughed. “That would be interesting. I think I’d better stick with two, though. Don’t want to start talk.”

We turned in another circle.

“You’d think I’d be used to telling you goodbye by now,” he murmured.

I tried to swallow the lump in my throat, but I couldn’t force it down.

Jacob looked at me and frowned. He wiped his fingers across my cheek, catching the tears there.

“You’re not supposed to be the one crying, Beau.”

“Everyone cries at weddings,” I said thickly.

“This is what you want, right?”

“Right.”

“Then smile.”

I tried. He laughed at my grimace.

“I’m going to try to remember you like this. Like…”

“Like what?”

He clenched his teeth. He was struggling with himself—with the decision to make his presence here a gift and not a judgment. I waited patiently for his answer.

“This is how I’ll see you in my head. Pink cheeks. Heartbeat. Two left feet. All of that.”

I deliberately stomped on his foot as hard as I could.

He smiled. “That’s my boy.”

He started to say something else and then snapped his mouth closed. Struggling again, teeth gritted against the words he didn’t want to say.

My relationship with Jacob used to be so easy. Natural as breathing. But since Edward had come back into my life, it was a constant strain. Because—in Jacob’s eyes—by choosing Edward, I was choosing a fate that was worse than death, or at least equivalent to it.

“What is it, Jake? Just tell me. You can tell me anything.”

“I—I... I don’t have anything to tell you.”

“Oh please. Spit it out.”

“It’s true. It’s not... it’s—it’s a question. It’s something I want _you_ to tell _me_.” “Ask me.”

He struggled for another minute and then exhaled. “I shouldn’t. It doesn’t matter. I’m just morbidly curious.”

I stared at him for a moment, not understanding, then I put it together.

“Oh! Oh, Jake,” I sighed. “Are you asking… when?”

He averted his eyes, trying to hide his frown.

“Well, you’ll be pleased to know that I have no plans for _that_ anytime soon.”

He blinked at me a few times. “Oh,” he said, trying to downplay his relief. “Oh.”

A new song started playing, but he didn’t notice the change this time.

“But it is going to happen?” He whispered.

“I don’t know, Jake.” I shook my head. “I made the decision to stay human. I don’t know for how long, but for now, that’s the course I’m on.”

He seemed comforted by this.

“Besides,” I continued, “I definitely wouldn’t want it to happen now. Last thing I want to do is spend my honeymoon writhing in pain.”

“You’d rather spending it how? Playing checkers? Ha ha.”

“Very funny.”

“Kidding, Beau.” He smirked. “Well, anyway, I’m glad.” He was quiet for a moment before he spoke again. “So what _are_ you going to do for the honeymoon? Is he taking you somewhere expensive and over the top?”

“I don’t know yet,” I answered truthfully. “But I’m excited for it.”

“I guess,” He shrugged, “but it’s really more like a vacation than a _real_ honeymoon, isn’t it?”

I stared at him curiously. “It’ll be as much a _real_ honeymoon as anyone’s, Jake.”

He stopped our circle abruptly. For a moment, I wondered if he’d finally noticed the music change, and I scrambled in my head to figure out what I had said that had upset him.

And then his eyes bulged wide with a strange kind of confused horror.

“What?” he gasped. “What did you say?”

“About what…?” Jake? What’s wrong?”

“What do you mean? A real honeymoon as anyone’s? You’re not thinking you’re going to… I mean, you’re not planning on… While you’re still _human_? Are you kidding? That’s a sick joke, Beau!”

I stared at him, my jaw slightly open. “Jake, why are you getting upset? It’s really not your business, anyway. I shouldn’t have… we shouldn’t even be talking about this. It’s private—”

His enormous hands gripped the top of my arms.

“Jake, calm down!”

His eyes bored into mine.

“Beau! Have you lost your mind? You can’t be serious! Tell me you’re joking?”

His grip tightened, and I could feel his hands quivering, sending vibrations deep into my bones.

“Jake—stop!”

The darkness was suddenly very crowded.

“Take your hands off him!” Edward’s voice was cold as ice, sharp as razors.

Behind Jacob, there was a low snarl from the black night, and then another, overlapping the first.

“Jake, bro, back away,” I heard Seth Clearwater urge. “You’re losing it.”

Jacob seemed frozen as he was, his horrified eyes wide and staring.

“You’ll hurt him,” Seth whispered. “Let him go.”

“Now!” Edward snarled.

Jacob’s hands dropped to his sides, and I felt unsteady suddenly being released from his vice-like grip. Before I could fall, cold hands replaced the hot ones, and the air was suddenly whooshing past me.

I blinked, and I was a half dozen feet away from where I’d been standing. Edward was tensed in front of me. There were two enormous wolves braced between him and Jacob, but they did not seem aggressive to me. More like they were trying to prevent the fight.

And Seth—gangly, fifteen-year-old Seth—had his long arms around Jacob’s shaking body, and he was tugging him away. If Jacob phased with Seth so close…

“C’mon, Jake. Let’s go.”

“I’ll kill you,” Jacob said, his voice so choked with rage that it was low as a whisper. His eyes, focused on Edward, burned with fury. “I’ll kill you myself! I’ll do it now!” He shuddered convulsively.

The biggest wolf, the black one, growled sharply.

“Seth, get out of the way,” Edward hissed.

Seth tugged on Jacob again. But Jacob didn’t budge. “Don’t do it, Jake. Walk away. C’mon.”

Jacob’s eyes were still locked on Edward, his body still vibrating.

“Jake,” I could barely manage more than a whisper, “ _Please_.”

Jake’s eyes refocused on me, and his expression shifted minutely. As our eyes locked, the rage slightly subsided, and I could see pain. Deep, unrelenting pain.

Seth took the opportunity to yank Jacob a few feet further back.

Sam—the bigger wolf, the black one—joined Seth then. He put his massive head against Jacob’s chest and shoved.

The three of them—Seth towing, Jake trembling, Sam pushing—disappeared swiftly into the darkness.

The other wolf stared after them. I wasn’t sure, in the weak light, about the color of his fur—chocolate brown, maybe? Was it Quil, then?

“I’m sorry,” I whispered to the wolf.

“It’s all right now, Beau,” Edward murmured.

The wolf looked at Edward. His gaze was not friendly. Edward gave him one cold nod. The wolf huffed and then turned to follow the others, vanishing as they had.

“All right,” Edward said to himself, and then he looked at me. “Let’s get back.”

“But Jake—”

“Sam has him in hand. He’s gone.”

“Edward, I’m sorry. It was my fault—”

“You did nothing wrong—”

“I have such a big mouth! Why would I… I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Don’t worry, love.” He touched my face. “We need to get back to the reception before someone notices our absence.”

I shook my head, trying to reorient myself. Before someone noticed? Had anyone _missed_ that?

Then, as I thought about it, I realized the confrontation that had seemed so catastrophic to me had, in reality, been very quiet and short here in the shadows.

“Give me two seconds,” I pleaded.

My insides were chaotic with panic and grief, but that didn’t matter—only the outside mattered right now. Putting on a good show was something I knew I had to master.

“My tux?”

“You look fine. Not a hair out of place.”

I took two deep breaths. “Okay. Let’s go.”

He put his arms around me and led me back to the light. When we passed under the twinkle lights, he spun me gently onto the dance floor. We melted in with the other dancers as if our dance had never been interrupted.

I glanced around at the guests, but no one seemed shocked or frightened. Only the very palest faces there showed any signs of stress, and they hid it well. Jasper and Emmett were on the edge of the floor, close together, and I guessed that they had been nearby during the confrontation.

“Are you—”

“I’m fine,” I promised. “I can’t believe I did that. What’s wrong with me?”

“Nothing is wrong with _you_.”

I’d been so glad to see Jacob here. I knew the sacrifice it had taken him. And then I’d ruined it, turned his gift into a disaster. I felt awful.

But I refused to let anything else tonight be spoiled. I would put this away, shove it in a drawer and lock it up to deal with later. There would be plenty of time to beat myself up for this, and nothing I could do now would help.

“It’s over,” I said. “Let’s not think of it again tonight.”

I expected a quick agreement from Edward, but he was silent.

“Edward?”

He closed his eyes and touched his forehead to mine. “Jacob is right,” he whispered. “What  _am_ I thinking?”

“He is not.” I tried to keep my face smooth for the watching crowd of friends. “Jacob is way too prejudiced to see anything clearly.”

He mumbled something low that sounded almost like “ _should_ let him kill me for even thinking…”

“Stop it,” I said fiercely. I grabbed his face in my hands and waited until he opened his eyes. “You and me. That’s the only thing that matters. The only thing you’re allowed to think about now. Do you hear me?”

“Yes, sir,” he sighed.

“Forget Jacob came.” I could do that. I _would_ do that. “For me. Promise that you’ll let this go.”

He stared into my eyes for a moment before answering. “I promise.”

“Thank you. Edward, I’m not afraid.”

“I am,” he whispered.

“Don’t be.” I took deep breath and smiled. “By the way, I love you.”

He smiled just a little in return. “That’s why we’re here.”

“You’re monopolizing the groom,” Emmett said, coming up behind Edward’s shoulder. “Let me dance with my little brother. This could be my last chance to make him blush.” He laughed loudly, as unaffected as he usually was by any serious atmosphere.

It turned out there were actually lots of people I hadn’t danced with yet, and that gave me a chance to truly compose and resolve myself. When Edward claimed me again, I found that the Jacob-drawer was shut nice and tight. As he wrapped his arms around me, I was able to unearth my earlier sense of joy, my certainty that everything in my life was in the right place tonight. I smiled and laid my head against his chest. His arms tightened.

“I could get used to this,” I said.

“Don’t tell me you’ve gotten over your dancing issues?”

“Dancing isn’t so bad—with you. But I was thinking more of this,”—and I pressed myself to him even tighter—“of never having to let you go.”

“Never,” he promised, and he leaned down to kiss me.

It was a serious kind of kiss—intense, slow but building....

I’d pretty much forgotten where I was when I heard Alice call, “Beau! It’s time!”

I felt a passing flicker of irritation with my new sister for the interruption.

Edward ignored her; his lips were hard against mine, more urgent than before. My heart broke into a sprint and my arms were locked around his marble neck.

“Do you want to miss your plane?” Alice demanded, right next to me now. “I’m sure you’ll have a lovely honeymoon camped out in the airport waiting for another flight.”

Edward turned his face slightly to murmur, “Go away, Alice,” and then pressed his lips to mine again.

“Beau, do you want to wear that tuxedo on the airplane?” she demanded.

I wasn’t really paying much attention. At the moment, I simply didn’t care.

Alice growled quietly. “I’ll tell him where you’re taking him, Edward. So help me, I will.”

He froze. Then he lifted his face from mine and glared at his favorite sister. “You’re awfully small to be so hugely irritating.”

“I didn’t pick out the perfect going-away outfit to have it wasted,” she snapped back, taking my hand. “Come with me, Beau.”

I tugged against her hold, stretching up on my toes to kiss him one more time. She jerked my arm impatiently, hauling me away from him. There were a few chuckles from the watching guests. I gave up then and let her lead me into the empty house.

She looked annoyed.

“Sorry, Alice,” I apologized.

“I don’t blame you, Beau.” She sighed. “I blame Edward for getting you so worked up.”

I giggled at her martyred expression, and she scowled.

“Thank you, Alice. It was the most perfect wedding anyone ever had,” I told her earnestly. “Everything was exactly right. You’re the best, smartest, most talented sister in the whole world.”

That thawed her out; she smiled a huge smile. “I’m glad you liked it.”

Renée and Esme followed us up the stairs. They all waited while I changed out of my tuxedo into the deep blue going-away ensemble Alice had picked out for me. My mother handed me my phone as I opened the door, tears streaming down her face.

“I’ll call you when I know where I’m going,” I promised as I hugged her goodbye. I knew the honeymoon secret was probably driving her crazy; my mother hated secrets, unless she was in on them.

“I’ll tell you as soon as he’s safely away,” Alice outdid me, smirking at my wounded expression. How unfair, for me to be the last to know.

“You have to visit me and Phil very, very soon. It’s your turn to go south—see the sun for once,” Renée said.

“It didn’t rain today,” I reminded her.

“A miracle.”

“Everything’s ready,” Alice said. “Your suitcases are in the car—Jasper’s bringing it around.” She pulled me back toward the stairs with Renée following, still halfway embracing me.

“I love you, Mom,” I whispered as we descended. “I’m so glad you have Phil. Take care of each other.”

“I love you, too, Beau, honey.”

“Goodbye, Mom. I love you,” I said again, my throat thick.

Edward was waiting at the bottom of the stairs. I took his outstretched hand but leaned away, scanning the little crowd that was waiting to see us off.

“Dad?” I asked, my eyes searching.

“Over here,” Edward murmured. He pulled me through the guests; they made a pathway for us. We found Charlie leaning awkwardly against the wall behind everyone else, looking a little like he was hiding. The red rims around his eyes explained why.

“Oh, Dad!”

I hugged him tightly, tears streaming again—I was crying so much tonight. He patted my back.

“There, now. You don’t want to miss your plane.”

It was hard to talk about love with Charlie—we were so much alike, always reverting to trivial things to avoid embarrassing emotional displays. But this was no time for being self-conscious.

“I love you forever, Dad,” I told him. “Don’t forget that.”

“You, too, kiddo. Always have, always will.”

We embraced one more time.

“Call me,” he said.

“Soon,” I promised.

“Go on, then,” he said gruffly. “Don’t want to be late.”

The guests made another aisle for us. Edward pulled me close to his side as we made our escape.

“Are you ready?” he asked.

“I am,” I smiled.

Everyone applauded when Edward kissed me on the doorstep. Then he rushed me to the car as the rice storm began. Most of it went wide, but someone, probably Emmett, threw with uncanny precision, and I caught a lot of the ricochets off Edward’s back.

The car was decorated with more flowers that trailed in streamers along its length, and long gossamer ribbons that were tied to a dozen shoes—designer shoes that looked brand-new—dangling behind the bumper.

Edward shielded me from the rice while I climbed in, and then he was in and we were speeding away as I waved out the window and called “I love you” to the porch, where my families waved back.

The last image I registered was one of my parents. Phil had both arms wrapped tenderly around Renée. She had one arm tight around his waist but had her free hand reached out to hold Charlie’s. So many different kinds of love, harmonious in this one moment. It seemed a very hopeful picture to me.

Edward squeezed my hand.

“I love you,” he said.

I leaned my head against his arm. “That’s why we’re here,” I quoted him.

He kissed my hair.

As we turned onto the black highway and Edward really hit the accelerator, I heard a noise over the purr of the engine, coming from the forest behind us. If I could hear it, then he certainly could. But he said nothing as the sound slowly faded in the distance. I said nothing, either.

The piercing, heartbroken howling grew fainter and then disappeared entirely.


	5. Isle Esme

“Houston?” I asked, raising my eyebrows when we reached the gate in Seattle.

“Just a stop along the way,” Edward assured me with a grin.

It felt like I’d barely fallen asleep when he woke me. I was groggy as he pulled me through the terminals, struggling to remember how to open my eyes after every blink. It took me a few minutes to catch up with what was going on when we stopped at the international counter to check in for our next flight.

“Rio de Janeiro?” I asked with slightly more trepidation.

“Another stop,” he told me.

The flight to South America was long but comfortable in the wide first-class seat, with Edward’s arms cradled around me. I slept myself out and awoke unusually alert as we circled toward the airport with the light of the setting sun slanting through the plane’s windows.

We didn’t stay in the airport to connect with another flight as I’d expected. Instead we took a taxi through the dark, teeming, living streets of Rio. Unable to understand a word of Edward’s Portuguese instructions to the driver, I guessed that we were off to find a hotel before the next leg of our journey. A sharp twinge of something very close to stage fright twisted in the pit of my stomach as I considered that. The taxi continued through the swarming crowds until they thinned somewhat, and we appeared to be nearing the extreme western edge of the city, heading into the ocean.

We stopped at the docks.

Edward led the way down the long line of white yachts moored in the night-blackened water. The boat he stopped at was smaller than the others, sleeker, obviously built for speed instead of space. Still luxurious, though, and more graceful than the rest. He leaped in lightly, despite the heavy bags he carried. He dropped those on the deck and turned to help me carefully over the edge.

I watched in silence while he prepared the boat for departure, surprised at how skilled and comfortable he seemed, because he’d never mentioned an interest in boating before. But then again, he was good at just about everything.

As we headed due east into the open ocean, I reviewed basic geography in my head. As far as I could remember, there wasn’t much east of Brazil... until you got to Africa.

But Edward sped forward while the lights of Rio faded and ultimately disappeared behind us. On his face was a familiar exhilarated smile, the one produced by any form of speed. The boat plunged through the waves and I was showered with sea spray.

Finally the curiosity I’d suppressed so long got the best of me. “Are we going much farther?” I asked.

It wasn’t like him to forget that I was human, but I wondered if he planned for us to live on this small craft for any length of time.

“About another half hour.” His eyes took in my hands, clenched on the seat, and he grinned.

 _Oh well_ , I thought to myself. _He is a vampire, after all. Maybe we’re going to Atlantis_.

Twenty minutes later, he called my name over the roar of the engine. “Beau, look there.” He pointed straight ahead.

I saw only blackness at first, and the moon’s white trail across the water. But I searched the space where he pointed until I found a low black shape breaking into the sheen of moonlight on the waves. As I squinted into the darkness, the silhouette became more detailed. The shape grew into a squat, irregular triangle, with one side trailing longer than the other before sinking into the waves. We drew closer, and I could see the outline was feathery, swaying to the light breeze.

And then my eyes refocused and the pieces all made sense: a small island rose out of the water ahead of us, waving with palm fronds, a beach glowing pale in the light of the moon.

“Where are we?” I murmured in wonder while he shifted course, heading around to the north end of the island.

He heard me, despite the noise of the engine, and smiled a wide smile that gleamed in the moonlight.

“This is Isle Esme.”

The boat slowed dramatically, drawing with precision into position against a short dock constructed of wooden planks, bleached into whiteness by the moon. The engine cut off, and the silence that followed was profound. There was nothing but the waves, slapping lightly against the boat, and the rustle of the breeze in the palms. The air was warm, moist, and fragrant—like the steam left behind after a hot shower.

“Isle _Esme_?” My voice was low, but it still sounded too loud as it broke into the quiet night.

“A gift from Carlisle—Esme offered to let us borrow it.”

A gift. Who gives an island as a gift? I frowned. I hadn’t realized that Edward’s extreme generosity was a learned behavior.

He placed the suitcases on the dock and then turned back, smiling his perfect smile as he reached for me. Instead of taking my hand, he pulled me right up into his arms.

“Aren’t you supposed to wait for the threshold?” I asked, breathless, as he sprung lightly out of the boat.

He grinned. “I’m nothing if not thorough.”

Gripping the handles of both huge steamer trunks in one hand and cradling me in the other arm, he carried me up the dock and onto a pale sand pathway through the dark vegetation.

For a short while it was pitch black in the jungle-like growth, and then I could see a warm light ahead. It was about at the point when I realized the light was a house—the two bright, perfect squares were wide windows framing a front door—that the stage fright attacked again, more forcefully than before, worse than when I’d thought we were headed for a hotel.

My heart thudded audibly against my ribs, and my breath seemed to get stuck in my throat. I felt Edward’s eyes on my face, but I refused to meet his gaze. I stared straight ahead, seeing nothing.

He didn’t ask what I was thinking, which was out of character for him. I guessed that meant that he was just as nervous as I suddenly was.

He set the suitcases on the deep porch to open the doors—they were unlocked.

Edward looked down at me, waiting until I met his gaze before he stepped through the threshold.

He carried me through the house, both of us very quiet, flipping on lights as he went. My vague impression of the house was that it was quite large for a tiny island, and oddly familiar. I’d gotten used to the pale-on-pale color scheme preferred by the Cullens; it felt like home. I couldn’t focus on any specifics, though. The violent pulse beating behind my ears made everything a little blurry.

Then Edward stopped and turned on the last light.

The room was big and white, and the far wall was mostly glass—standard décor for my vampires. Outside, the moon was bright on white sand and, just a few yards away from the house, glistening waves. But I barely noted that part. I was more focused on the absolutely _huge_ white bed in the center of the room, hung with billowy clouds of mosquito netting.

Edward set me on my feet. “I’ll... go get the luggage.”

The room was too warm, stuffier than the tropical night outside. A bead of sweat dewed up on the nape of my neck. I walked slowly forward until I could reach out and touch the foamy netting. For some reason I felt the need to make sure everything was real.

I didn’t hear Edward return. Suddenly, his wintry finger caressed the back of my neck, wiping away the drop of perspiration.

“It’s a little hot here,” he said apologetically. “I thought... that would be best.”

“Thorough,” I murmured under my breath, and he chuckled. It was a nervous sound, rare for Edward.

“I tried to think of everything that would make this... easier,” he admitted.

I swallowed loudly, still facing away from him. Had there ever been a honeymoon like this before?

I knew the answer to that. No. There had not.

“I was wondering,” Edward said slowly, “if... first... maybe you’d like to take a midnight swim with me?” He took a deep breath, and his voice was more at ease when he spoke again. “The water will be very warm. This is the kind of beach you approve of.”

“Sounds nice.” My voice broke.

“I’m sure you’d like a human minute or two.... It was a long journey.”

I nodded woodenly. I felt barely human; maybe a few minutes alone would help.

His lips brushed against my throat, just below my ear. He chuckled once and his cool breath tickled my overheated skin. “Don’t take _too_ long, Mr. Cullen.”

I jumped a little at the sound of my new name.

His lips brushed down my neck to the tip of my shoulder. “I’ll wait for you in the water.”

He walked past me to the French door that opened right onto the beach sand. On the way, he shrugged out of his shirt, dropping it on the floor, and then slipped through the door into the moonlit night. The sultry, salty air swirled into the room behind him.

Did my skin burst into flames? I had to look down to check. Nope, nothing was burning. At least, not visibly.

I reminded myself to breathe, and then I stumbled toward the giant suitcase that Edward had opened on top of a low white dresser. It must be mine, because my familiar bag of toiletries was right on top, and there was a lot of dark blues in there, but I didn’t recognize even one article of clothing. As I pawed through the neatly folded piles—looking for something familiar and comfortable, a pair of old sweats maybe—it came to my attention that there was an awful lot of, well, _underwear_.

But this wasn’t the underwear I’d typically wear. These were all surprisingly skimpy, made of silky soft materials. Some were in bright colors, some had odd—but strategically placed—cutouts, others were just made of completely see through mesh.

I didn’t know how or when, but someday, Alice was going to pay for this.

Giving up, I went to the bathroom and peeked out through the long windows that opened to the same beach as the French doors. I couldn’t see him; I guessed he was there in the water, not bothering to come up for air. In the sky above, the moon was lopsided, almost full, and the sand was bright white under its shine. A small movement caught my eye—draped over a bend in one of the palm trees that fringed the beach, the rest of his clothes were swaying in the light breeze.

A rush of heat flashed across my skin again.

I took a couple of deep breaths and then went to the mirrors above the long stretch of counters. I looked exactly like I’d been sleeping on a plane all day. I ran my hands through the mess of curls on my head, which only seemed to agitate them further. I brushed my teeth meticulously, twice. Then I washed my face and splashed water on the back of my neck, which was feeling feverish. That felt so good that I washed my arms as well, and finally I decided to just give up and take the shower. I knew it was ridiculous to shower before swimming, but I needed to calm down, and hot water was one reliable way to do that.

When I was done, I grabbed a huge white towel off the counter and wrapped it around my waist.

Then I was faced with a dilemma I hadn’t considered. What was I supposed to put on? Not a swimsuit, obviously. But it seemed silly to put my clothes back on, too. I didn’t even want to think about the things Alice had packed for me.

My breathing started to accelerate again and my hands trembled—so much for the calming effects of the shower. I started to feel a little dizzy, apparently a full-scale panic attack on the way. I sat down on the cool tile floor in my big towel and put my head between my knees. I prayed he wouldn’t decide to come look for me before I could pull myself together. I could imagine what he would think if he saw me going to pieces this way. It wouldn’t be hard for him to convince himself that we were making a mistake.

And I wasn’t freaking out because I thought we were making a mistake. Not at all. I was freaking out because I had no idea how to do this, and I was afraid to walk out of this room and face the unknown. Especially in mesh underwear. I knew I wasn’t ready for _that_ yet.

This felt exactly like having to walk out in front of a theater full of thousands with no idea what my lines were.

How did people do this—swallow all their fears and trust someone else so implicitly with every imperfection and fear they had—with less than the absolute commitment Edward had given me? If it weren’t Edward out there, if I didn’t know in every cell of my body that he loved me as much as I loved him—unconditionally and irrevocably and, to be honest, sometimes irrationally—I’d never be able to get up off this floor.

But it _was_ Edward out there, so I whispered the words “Don’t be a coward” under my breath and scrambled to my feet. I pulled the towel tighter around my waist and marched determinedly from the bathroom. Past the suitcase full of underwear and the big bed without looking at either. Out the open glass door onto the powder-fine sand.

Everything was black-and-white, bleached colorless by the moon. I walked slowly across the warm powder, pausing beside the curved tree where he had left his clothes. I laid my hand against the rough bark and checked my breathing to make sure it was even. Or even enough.

I looked across the low ripples, black in the darkness, searching for him.

He wasn’t hard to find. He stood, his back to me, waist deep in the midnight water, staring up at the oval moon. The pallid light of the moon turned his skin a perfect white, like the sand, like the moon itself, and made his wet hair black as the ocean. He was motionless, his hands resting palms down against the water; the low waves broke around him as if he were a stone. I stared at the smooth lines of his back, his shoulders, his arms, his neck, the flawless shape of him...

The fire was no longer a flash burn across my skin—it was slow and deep now; it smoldered away all my awkwardness, my shy uncertainty. I slipped the towel off without hesitation, leaving it on the tree with his clothes, and walked out into the white light; it made me pale as the snowy sand, too.

I couldn’t hear the sound of my footsteps as I walked to the water’s edge, but I guessed that he could. Edward did not turn. I let the gentle swells break over my toes and found that he’d been right about the temperature—it was very warm, like bath water. I stepped in, walking carefully across the invisible ocean floor, but my care was unnecessary; the sand continued perfectly smooth, sloping gently toward Edward. I waded through the weightless current till I was at his side, and then I placed my hand lightly over his cool hand lying on the water.

“Beautiful,” I said, looking up at the moon, too.

“It’s all right,” he answered, unimpressed. He turned slowly to face me; little waves rolled away from his movement and broke against my skin. His eyes looked silver in his ice-colored face. He twisted his hand up so that he could twine our fingers beneath the surface of the water. It was warm enough that his cool skin did not raise goose bumps on mine.

“But I wouldn’t use the word _beautiful,_ ” he continued. “Not with you standing here in comparison.”

I half-smiled, then raised my free hand—it didn’t tremble now—and placed it over his heart. White on white; we matched, for once. He shuddered the tiniest bit at my warm touch. His breath came rougher now.

“I promised we would _try_ ,” he whispered, suddenly tense. “If... if I do something wrong, if I hurt you, you must tell me at once.”

I nodded solemnly, keeping my eyes on his. I took another step through the waves and leaned my head against his chest.

“Don’t be afraid,” I murmured. “We belong together.”

I was abruptly overwhelmed by the truth of my own words. This moment was so perfect, so right, there was no way to doubt it.

His arms wrapped around me, holding me against him, summer and winter. It felt like every nerve ending in my body was a live wire.

“Forever,” he agreed, and then pulled us gently into deeper water.

 

The sun, hot on the bare skin of my back, woke me in the morning. Late morning, maybe afternoon, I wasn’t sure. Everything besides the time was clear, though; I knew exactly where I was—the bright room with the big white bed, brilliant sunlight streaming through the open doors. The clouds of netting would soften the shine.

I didn’t open my eyes. I was too happy to change anything, no matter how small. The only sounds were the waves outside, our breathing, my heartbeat...

I was comfortable, even with the baking sun. His cool skin was the perfect antidote to the heat. Lying across his wintry chest, his arms wound around me, felt very easy and natural. I wondered idly what I’d been so panicky about last night. My fears all seemed silly now.

His fingers softly trailed down the contours of my spine, and I knew that he knew I was awake. I kept my eyes shut and tightened my arms around his neck, holding myself closer to him.

He didn’t speak; his fingers moved up and down my back, barely touching it as he lightly traced patterns on my skin.

I would have been happy to lie here forever, to never disturb this moment, but my body had other ideas. I laughed at my impatient stomach. It seemed sort of prosaic to be hungry after all that had passed last night. Like being brought back down to earth from some great height.

“What’s funny?” he murmured, still stroking my back. The sound of his voice, serious and husky, brought with it a deluge of memories from the night, and I felt a blush color my face and neck.

To answer his question, my stomach growled. I laughed again. “You just can’t escape being human for very long.”

I waited, but he did not laugh with me. Slowly, sinking through the many layers of bliss that clouded my head, came the realization of a different atmosphere outside my own glowing sphere of happiness.

I opened my eyes; the first thing I saw was the pale, almost silvery skin of his throat, the arc of his chin above my face. His jaw was taut. I propped myself up on my elbow, so I could see his face.

He was staring at the frothy canopy above us, and he didn’t look at me as I studied his grave features. His expression was a shock—it sent a physical jolt through my body.

“Edward,” I said, a strange little catch in my throat, “what is it? What’s wrong?”

“You have to ask?” His voice was hard, cynical.

My first instinct, the product of a lifetime of insecurities, was to wonder what I had done wrong. I thought through everything that had happened, but I couldn’t find any sour note in the memory. It had all been simpler than I’d expected; we’d figured it out quickly, all the passion we had so carefully been keeping in check for so long allowed to run free. Fire and ice, somehow existing together without destroying each other. More proof that we belonged together.

I couldn’t think of any part that would make him look like this—so severe and cold. What had I missed?

His finger smoothed the worried lines on my forehead. “What are you thinking?” he whispered.

“You’re upset. I don’t understand. Did I... ?” I couldn’t finish.

His eyes tightened. “How badly are you hurt, Beau? The truth—don’t try to downplay it.”

“Hurt?” I repeated; my voice came out higher than usual because the word took me so by surprise.

He raised one eyebrow, his lips a tight line.

I made a quick assessment, stretching my body automatically, tensing and flexing my muscles. There was stiffness, and a lot of soreness, too, it was true, but mostly there was the odd sensation that my bones all had become unhinged at the joints, and I had changed halfway into the consistency of a jellyfish. It was not an unpleasant feeling.

And then I was a little angry, because he was darkening this most perfect of all mornings with his pessimistic assumptions.

“Why would you jump to that conclusion? I’ve never been better than I am now.”

His eyes closed. “Stop that.”

“Stop _what_?”

“Stop acting like I’m not a monster for having agreed to this.”

“Edward!” I whispered, really upset now. He was pulling my bright memory through the darkness, staining it. “Don’t ever say that.”

He didn’t open his eyes; it was like he didn’t want to see me.

“Look at yourself, Beau. Then tell me I’m not a monster.”

Wounded, shocked, I followed his instruction unthinkingly and then gasped.

What had happened to me? I couldn’t make sense of the fluffy white snow that clung to my skin. I shook my head, and a cascade of white drifted out of my hair.

I pinched one soft white bit between my fingers. It was a piece of down.

“Why am I covered in feathers?” I asked, confused.

He exhaled impatiently. “I bit a pillow. Or two. That’s not what I’m talking about.”

“You... bit a pillow? _Why?_ ”

“Look, Beau!” he almost growled. He took my hand—very gingerly—and stretched my arm out. “Look at _that_.”

This time, I saw what he meant.

Under the dusting of feathers, large purplish bruises were beginning to blossom across the pale skin of my arm. My eyes followed the trail they made up to my shoulder, and then down across my ribs. I pulled my hand free to poke at a discoloration on my left forearm, watching it fade where I touched and then reappear. It throbbed a little.

So lightly that he was barely touching me, Edward placed his hand against the bruises on my arm, one at a time, matching his long fingers to the patterns.

“Oh,” I said.

I tried to remember this—to remember pain—but I couldn’t. I couldn’t recall a moment when his hold had been too tight, his hands too hard against me. I only remembered wanting him to hold me tighter and being pleased when he did...

“I’m... so sorry, Beau,” he whispered while I stared at the bruises. “I knew better than this. I should not have—” He made a low, revolted sound in the back of his throat. “I am more sorry than I can tell you.”

He threw his arm over his face and became perfectly still.

I sat for one long moment in total astonishment, trying to come to terms—now that I understood it—with his misery. It was so contrary to the way that I felt that it was difficult to process.

The shock wore off slowly, leaving nothing in its absence. Emptiness. My mind was blank. I couldn’t think of what to say. How could I explain it to him in the right way? How could I make him as happy as I was—or as I _had_ been, a moment ago?

I touched his arm, and he didn’t respond. I wrapped my fingers around his wrist and tried to pry his arm off his face, but I could have been yanking on a sculpture for all the good it did me.

“Edward.”

He didn’t move.

“Edward?”

Nothing. So, this would be a monologue, then.

“ _I’m_ not sorry, Edward. I’m... I can’t even tell you. I’m _so_ happy. That doesn’t cover it. Don’t be angry. Don’t. I’m really f—”

“Do not say the word _fine_.” His voice was ice cold. “If you value my sanity, do not say that you are fine.”

“But I _am_ ,” I whispered.

“Beau,” he almost moaned. “Don’t.”

“No. _You_ don’t, Edward.”

He moved his arm; his gold eyes watched me warily.

“Don’t ruin this,” I told him. “I. Am. Happy.”

“I’ve already ruined this,” he whispered.

“Cut it out,” I snapped.

I heard his teeth grind together.

“Ugh!” I groaned. “Why can’t you just read my mind already? That would make this so much easier!”

His eyes widened a little bit, distracted in spite of himself. “That’s a new one. You love that I can’t read your mind.”

“Not today.”

He stared at me. “Why?”

I threw my hands up in frustration, feeling an ache in my shoulder that I ignored. My palms fell back against his chest with a sharp smack. “Because all this dramatic angst would be completely unnecessary if you could see how I feel right now! Or five minutes ago, anyway. I _was_ perfectly happy. Totally and completely blissed out. Now—well, I’m sort of pissed, actually.”

“You _should_ be angry at me.”

“Well, I am. Does that make you feel better?”

He sighed. “No. I don’t think anything could make me feel better now.”

“ _That_ ,” I snapped. “That right there is why I’m angry. You are _killing my buzz_ , Edward.”

He rolled his eyes and shook his head.

I took a deep breath. I was feeling more of the soreness now, but it wasn’t that bad. Sort of like the day after lifting weights. Emmett had been training me leading up to the wedding after I told him I wanted to look good for it. Sixty-five lunges with twenty pounds in each hand, bicep curls, sit-ups. After our first training session, I couldn’t walk the next day. This was not as painful as that had been by half.

I swallowed my irritation and tried to make my voice soothing. “We knew this was going to be tricky. I thought that was assumed. And then—well, it was a lot easier than I thought it would be. And this is really nothing.” I brushed my fingers along my arm. “I think for a first time, not knowing what to expect, we did amazing. With a little practice—”

His expression was suddenly so livid that I broke off mid-sentence.

“Assumed? Did you _expect_ this, Beau? Were you anticipating that I would hurt you? Were you thinking it would be worse? Do you consider the experiment a success because you can walk away from it? No broken bones—that equals a victory?”

I waited, letting him get it all out. Then I waited some more while his breathing went back to normal. When his eyes were calm, I answered, speaking with slow precision.

“First, watch the temper. Second, I didn’t know what to expect—but I definitely did not expect how... how... just wonderful and perfect it was.” My voice dropped to a whisper, my eyes slipped from his face down to my hands. “I mean, I don’t know how it was for you, but it was like that for me.”

A cool finger pulled my chin back up.

“Is that what you’re worried about?” he said through his teeth. “That I didn’t _enjoy_ myself?”

My eyes stayed down. “I mean, I know it’s not the same. You’re not human. I just was trying to explain that, for a human, well, I can’t imagine that life gets any better than that.”

He was quiet for so long that, finally, I had to look up. His face was softer now, thoughtful.

“It seems that I have more to apologize for.” He frowned. “I didn’t dream that you would construe the way I feel about what I did to you to mean that last night wasn’t...” He paused, then let out a long, almost shuddering breath, “Well, the best night of my existence. But I don’t want to think of it that way, not when you were…”

My lips curved up a little at the edges. “Really? The best ever?” I asked in a small voice.

He took my face between his hands, still introspective. “I spoke to Carlisle before the wedding, hoping he could help me. Of course he warned me that this would be very dangerous for you.” A shadow crossed his expression. “He had faith in me, though—faith I didn’t deserve.”

I started to protest, and he put two fingers over my lips before I could comment.

“I also asked him what _I_ should expect. I didn’t know what it would be for me... what with my being a vampire.” He smiled halfheartedly. “Carlisle told me it was a very powerful thing, like nothing else. He told me physical love was something I should not treat lightly. With our rarely changing temperaments, strong emotions can alter us in permanent ways. But he said I did not need to worry about that part—you had already altered me so completely.” This time his smile was more genuine.

“I spoke to my brothers, too. They told me it was a very great pleasure. Second only to drinking human blood.” A line creased his brow. “But I’ve tasted your blood, and there could be no blood more potent than _that._... I don’t think they were wrong, really. Just that it was different for us. Something more.”

“It _was_ more. It was everything.”

“That doesn’t change the fact that it was wrong. Even if it were possible that you really did feel that way.”

“What does _that_ mean? Do you think I’m making this up? Why?”

“To ease my guilt. I can’t ignore the evidence, Beau. Or your history of trying to let me off the hook when I make mistakes.”

I grabbed his chin and leaned forward so that our faces were inches apart. “You listen to me, Edward Cullen. I am not pretending anything for your sake, okay? I didn’t even know there was a reason to make you feel better until you started being all miserable. _I’ve_ never been so happy in all my life—I wasn’t this happy when you decided that you loved me more than you wanted to kill me, or the first morning I woke up and you were there waiting for me... Not when I heard your voice in the ballet studio”—he flinched at the old memory of my close call with a hunting vampire, but I didn’t pause—“or when you said ‘I do’ and I realized that, somehow, I get to keep you forever. Those are the happiest memories I have, and this is better than any of it. So just deal with it.”

He touched the frown line between my eyebrows. “I’m making you unhappy now. I don’t want to do that.”

“Then don’t _you_ be unhappy. That’s the only thing that’s wrong here.”

His eyes tightened, then he took a deep breath and nodded. “You’re right. The past is past and I can’t do anything to change it. There’s no sense in letting my mood sour this time for you. I’ll do whatever I can to make you happy now.”

I examined his face suspiciously, and he gave me a serene smile.

“Whatever makes me happy?”

My stomach growled at the same time that I asked.

“You’re hungry,” he said quickly. He was swiftly out of the bed, stirring up a cloud of feathers. Which reminded me.

“So, why exactly did you decide to ruin Esme’s pillows?” I asked, sitting up and shaking more down from my hair.

He had already pulled on a pair of loose khaki pants, and he stood by the door, rumpling his hair, dislodging a few feathers of his own.

“I don’t know if I _decided_ to do anything last night,” he muttered. “We’re just lucky it was the pillows and not you.” He inhaled deeply and then shook his head, as if shaking off the dark thought. A very authentic-looking smile spread across his face, but I guessed it took a lot of work to put it there.

I slid carefully off the high bed and stretched again, more aware, now, of the aches and sore spots. I heard him gasp. He turned away from me, and his hands balled up, knuckles white.

“Do I look that awful?” I asked, working to keep my tone light. His breath caught, but he didn’t turn, probably to hide his expression from me. I walked to the bathroom to check for myself.

I stared at my naked body in the full-length mirror behind the door.

I’d definitely had worse. There was a faint shadow across one of my cheekbones, and my lips were a little swollen, but other than that, my face was fine. The rest of me was decorated with patches of blue and purple. I concentrated on the bruises that would be the hardest to hide—my arms and my shoulders. They weren’t so bad. My skin marked up easily. By the time a bruise showed I’d usually forgotten how I’d come by it. Of course, these were just developing. I’d look even worse tomorrow. That would not make things any easier.

I looked at my hair, then, and groaned.

“Beau?” He was right there behind me as soon as I’d made a sound.

“I don’t think I’ll ever get all this out of my hair!” I pointed to my head, where it looked like a chicken was nesting. I started picking at the feathers.

“You _would_ be worried about your hair,” he mumbled, but he came to stand behind me, pulling out the feathers much more quickly.

“How did you keep from laughing at this? I look ridiculous.”

He didn’t answer; he just kept plucking. And I knew the answer anyway—there was nothing that would be funny to him in this mood.

“This isn’t going to work,” I sighed after a minute. “It’s all dried in. I’m going to have to try to wash it out.” I turned around, wrapping my arms around his cool waist. “Do you want to help me?”

“I’d better find some food for you,” he said in a quiet voice, and he gently unwound my arms. I sighed as he disappeared, moving too fast.

It looked like my honeymoon was over. The thought put a big lump in my throat.

When I was mostly feather-free and dressed in an unfamiliar white cotton shirt and linen pants that concealed the worst of the violet blotches, I padded off barefoot to where the smell of eggs and bacon and cheddar cheese was coming from.

Edward stood in front of the stainless steel stove, sliding an omelet onto the light blue plate waiting on the counter. The scent of the food overwhelmed me. I felt like I could eat the plate and the frying pan, too; my stomach snarled.

“Here,” he said. He turned with a smile on his face and set the plate on a small tiled table.

I sat in one of the two metal chairs and started snarfing down the hot eggs. They burned my throat, but I didn’t care. I hadn’t imagined how a night like the one we had just spent could work up such an appetite.

He sat down across from me. “I’m not feeding you often enough.”

I swallowed and then reminded him, “I was asleep. This is really good, by the way. Impressive for someone who doesn’t eat.”

“Food Network,” he said, flashing my favorite crooked smile.

I was happy to see it, happy that he seemed more like his normal self.

“Where did the eggs come from?”

“I asked the cleaning crew to stock the kitchen. A first, for this place. I’ll have to ask them to deal with the feathers.... ” He trailed off, his gaze fixed on a space above my head. I didn’t respond, trying to avoid saying anything that would upset him again.

I ate everything, though he’d made enough for two.

“Thank you,” I told him. I leaned across the table to kiss him. He kissed me back automatically, and then suddenly stiffened and leaned away.

I gritted my teeth, and the question I meant to ask came out sounding like an accusation. “You aren’t going to touch me again while we’re here, are you?”

He hesitated, then half-smiled and raised his hand to stroke my cheek. His fingers lingered softly on my skin, and I couldn’t help leaning my face into his palm.

“You know that’s not what I meant.”

He sighed and dropped his hand. “I know. And you’re right.” He paused, lifting his chin slightly. And then he spoke again with firm conviction. “I will not make love with you while you are still human. I will never hurt you again.”


	6. Distractions

My entertainment became the number-one priority on Isle Esme. We snorkeled—well, I snorkeled while he flaunted his ability to go without oxygen indefinitely. We explored the small jungle that ringed the rocky little peak. We visited the parrots that lived in the canopy on the south end of the island. We watched the sunset from the rocky western cove. We swam with the porpoises that played in the warm, shallow waters there. Or at least I did; when Edward was in the water, the porpoises disappeared as if a shark was near.

I knew what was going on. He was trying to keep me busy, distracted, so I that wouldn’t continue badgering him about the sex thing. Whenever I tried to talk him into taking it easy with one of the million DVDs under the big-screen plasma TV, he would lure me out of the house with magic words like _coral reefs_ and _submerged caves_ and _sea turtles_. We were going, going, going all day, so that I found myself completely famished and exhausted when the sun eventually set.

I drooped over my plate after I finished dinner every night; once I’d actually fallen asleep right at the table and he’d had to carry me to bed. Part of it was that Edward always made too much food for one, but I was so _hungry_ after swimming and climbing all day that I ate most of it. Then, full and worn out, I could barely keep my eyes open. All part of the plan, no doubt.

Exhaustion didn’t help much with my attempts at persuasion. But I didn’t give up. I tried reasoning with him endlessly, but to no avail. I was usually unconscious before I could really press my case far. And then my dreams felt so real—nightmares mostly, made more vivid, I guessed, by the too-bright colors of the island—that I woke up tired no matter how long I slept.

About a week or so after we’d gotten to the island, I decided to try and wage an all-out offense.

I was sleeping in the blue room now. The cleaning crew wasn’t due until the next day, and so the white room still had a snowy blanket of down. The blue room was smaller, the bed more reasonably proportioned. The walls were dark, paneled in teak, and the fittings were all luxurious blue silk.

I’d taken to wearing some of the more provocative underwear Alice had packed for me to sleep in at night—which were almost as revealing as the scanty speedos she’d packed for me when it came right down to it. I wondered if she’d seen a vision of why I would want such things, and then shuddered, embarrassed by that thought.

I’d started out slow with the brightly colored options, worried that revealing more of my skin would be the opposite of helpful, but ready to try anything. Edward seemed to notice nothing, as if I were wearing the same ratty old sweats I wore at home.

The bruises were much better now—yellowing in some places and disappearing altogether in others—so tonight I pulled out one of the scarier pieces as I got ready in the paneled bathroom. It was black, mostly mesh, but damn it was pretty sexy.

I slid the revealing garment on and prepared myself for my plan of attack.

I felt a sharp pinch on the back of my neck, my hand instinctively slapped the spot. When I pulled my hand back to examine it, I found the squished remains of some bug I couldn’t identify. I washed my hand in the sink and splashed some water over the back of my neck where the bug had bit me.

That was when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Any hesitation I had about the mesh underwear was gone; if these things didn’t work, nothing would.

Feeling confidently armed, I strolled out to the bedroom.

I had the satisfaction of watching his eyes pop open wide for just a second before he controlled his expression.

“What do you think?” I asked, slowly turning so that he could see every angle.

He cleared his throat. “You look amazing. You always do.”

“Thanks,” I said a bit sourly.

I was too tired to resist climbing quickly into the soft bed. He put his arms around me and pulled me against his chest, but this was routine—it was too hot to sleep without his cool body close.

He was wearing a shirt to bed tonight—as he did most nights now—to deter my advances. I carefully executed my plan.

“Edward?”

“Yes, love?”

“I’m sorry, but, it’s really hot,” I pouted, “would you mind terribly taking off your shirt tonight? It’d help keep me cool. Your chest I mean. Because, you know, it’s… uh, so cold.” I was stumbling a little now. Evidently seduction was not one of my stronger skills.

He didn’t move for a moment, then he shifted, pulled the shirt off, tossing it to the side. He put his arms back around me, but this time I turned my body to face away from him.

“You really like them?” I asked, innocently, curving my body into his, trying to show off the skimpy underwear.

“Mhm.” He answered shortly.

“Really?” I asked again, shifting my body slightly, making sure I was gently pushing up against him.

“Why are you _doing_ this to me?” he said through his teeth, his tone suddenly full of despair and frustration. “Isn’t it hard enough without all of this?” He grabbed a handful of the mesh on my thigh. For a moment, I thought he was going to rip it. Then his hand relaxed. “Beau, we can’t.”

“Edward, please.”

“No, Beau. There is absolutely nothing that is worth risking your life again. That’s worth hurting you.”

“But, Edward—”

“No, Beau. I can’t do that to you again.”

“There were some things you did besides bruising me that I would really like for you to do again.” I grumbled, feeling defeated.

“I’m sorry, Beau.”

I yawned, and he smiled.

“You’re tired. Sleep, love.” He started humming the lullaby he’d composed for me when we first met.

“I wonder why I’m so tired,” I muttered sarcastically. “That couldn’t be part of your scheme or anything.”

He just chuckled once and went back to humming.

“For as tired as I’ve been, you’d think I’d sleep better.”

The song broke off. “You’ve been sleeping like the dead, Beau. You haven’t said a word in your sleep since we got here. If it weren’t for the snoring, I’d worry you were slipping into a coma.”

I ignored the snoring jibe; I didn’t snore. “I haven’t been tossing? That’s weird. Usually I’m all over the bed when I’m having nightmares. And shouting.”

“You’ve been having nightmares?”

“Vivid ones. They make me so tired.” I yawned. “I can’t believe I haven’t been babbling about them all night.”

“What are they about?”

“Different things—but the same, you know, because of the colors.”

“Colors?”

“It’s all so bright and real. Usually, when I’m dreaming, I know that I am. With these, I don’t know I’m asleep. It makes them scarier.”

He sounded disturbed when he spoke again. “What is frightening you?”

I shuddered slightly.

“Mostly…” I hesitated.

“Mostly?” he prompted.

I didn’t want to tell him about me being a vampire in my recurring nightmare; I knew it was his own worst nightmare. So, instead of giving him the full description, I gave him just one element. Certainly enough to frighten me or anyone else.

“The Volturi,” I whispered.

He hugged me tighter. “They aren’t going to bother us any time soon. Alice has been watching their decisions. You have nothing to worry about.”

“I guess.” I sighed.

He saw the emotions on my face. “What can I do to help?”

I shook it off. “They’re just dreams, Edward.”

“Do you want me to sing to you? I’ll sing all night if it will keep the bad dreams away.”

“They’re not all bad. Some are nice. So... colorful. Underwater, with the fish and the coral. It all seems like it’s really happening—I don’t know that I’m dreaming. Maybe this island is the problem. It’s really _bright_ here.”

“Do you want to go home?”

“No. No, not yet. Can’t we stay awhile longer?”

“We can stay as long as you want, Beau,” he promised me.

“I think that might be forever.”

He chuckled softly. He may have started humming again, too, but I was under before I could be sure.

 

Later, when I awoke in the dark, it was with shock. The dream had been so very real... so vivid, so sensory... I gasped aloud, now, disoriented by the dark room. Only a second ago, it seemed, I had been under the brilliant sun.

“Beau?” Edward whispered, his arms tight around me, shaking me gently. “Are you all right, love?”

“Oh,” I gasped again. Just a dream. Not real. I sat up in bed, and I felt my frustration brimming over. “God, this sucks.”

“Beau!” he said—louder, slightly alarmed now. “What’s wrong?” He sat up next to me, rubbing my back.

“It was only a dream.” My voice sounded so devastated it was almost comical, but at this point I was just so frustrated—in more ways than one—that I couldn’t help myself. I wanted so badly for the dream to be real.

“It’s okay, love, you’re fine. I’m here.” He continued rubbing my back. “Did you have another nightmare?”

“Not a nightmare.” I shook my head, exhaling sharply. “It was a _good_ dream.”

“Then why are you upset?” he asked, bewildered.

“Because I woke up,” I huffed.

He laughed once at my logic, but the sound was tense with concern. “Everything’s all right, Beau. Go back to sleep.”

“It was so real,” I groaned. “I _wanted_ it to be real.”

“Tell me about it,” he urged. “Maybe that will help.”

“We were on the beach...” I trailed off, pulling back to look at his anxious face, dim in the darkness. I stared at him broodingly as the unreasonable grief began to ebb.

“And?” he finally prompted.

I hesitated. “Well…”

“Tell me, Beau,” he pleaded.

But I couldn’t. Instead I wrapped my arms around his neck again and locked my mouth with his feverishly. It wasn’t just desire—it was need, acute to the point of pain. His response was instant but quickly followed by his rebuff.

He struggled with me as gently as he could in his surprise, holding me away, grasping my shoulders.

“No, Beau,” he insisted, looking at me as if he was worried that I’d lost my mind.

My arms dropped, defeated, and I threw myself back against the bed.

He stared at me with confused, anguished eyes.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled.

But he pulled me to him then, hugging me tightly to his marble chest. “I can’t, Beau, I can’t!” His moan was agonized.

“Please,” I said, my plea muffled against his skin as I planted kisses on his neck and chest. “Please, Edward?”

I couldn’t tell if he was moved by my words, or if he was unprepared to deal with the urgency I was now kissing his neck with, or if his need was simply as unbearable in that moment as my own. But whatever the reason, he pulled my lips back to his, surrendering with a groan.

And we began where my dream had left off.

 

I stayed very still when I woke up in the morning and tried to keep my breathing even. I was afraid to open my eyes.

I was lying across Edward’s chest, but he was very still and his arms were not wrapped around me. That was a bad sign. I was afraid to admit I was awake and face his anger— no matter whom it was directed at today.

Carefully, I peeked through my eyelashes. He was staring up at the dark ceiling, his arms behind his head. I pulled myself up on my elbow so that I could see his face better. It was smooth, expressionless.

“How much trouble am I in?” I asked in a small voice.

“Heaps,” he said, but turned his head and smirked at me.

I breathed a sigh of relief. “I _am_ sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean to get so desperate last night.” I shook my head at how I had practically thrown myself at him.

“You never did tell me what your dream was about.”

“I guess I didn’t—but I sort of _showed_ you what it was about.” I laughed nervously.

“Oh,” he said. His eyes widened, and then he blinked. “Interesting.”

“It was a very good dream,” I murmured. He didn’t comment, so a few seconds later I asked, “Am I forgiven?”

“I’m thinking about it.”

I sat up, planning to examine myself—there didn’t seem to be any feathers, at least. But as I moved, an odd wave of vertigo hit. I swayed and fell back against the pillows.

“Whoa... head rush.”

His arms were around me then. “You slept for a long time. Twelve hours.”

 _“Twelve?”_ How strange.

I gave myself a quick once-over while I spoke, trying to be inconspicuous about it. I looked fine. The bruises on my arms were still a week old, yellowing. I stretched experimentally. I felt fine, too. Well, better than fine, actually.

“Is the inventory complete?”

I nodded sheepishly. “The pillows all appear to have survived.”

“Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for your, er, undergarments.” He nodded toward the foot of the bed, where several scraps of black mesh were strewn across the silk sheets.

“That’s too bad,” I said. “I liked that one.”

“I did, too.”

“Were there any other casualties?” I asked timidly.

“I’ll have to buy Esme a new bed frame,” he confessed, glancing over his shoulder. I followed his gaze and was shocked to see that large chunks of wood had apparently been gouged from the left side of the headboard.

“Hmm.” I frowned. “You’d think I would have heard that.”

“You seem to be extraordinarily unobservant when your attention is otherwise involved.”

“I was a bit absorbed,” I admitted, blushing a deep red.

He touched my burning cheek and sighed. “I do enjoy that.”

I stared at his face, searching for any signs of the anger or remorse I feared. He gazed back at me evenly, his expression calm but otherwise unreadable.

“How are _you_ feeling?”

He laughed.

“What?” I demanded.

“You look so guilty—like you’ve committed a crime.”

“I _feel_ guilty,” I muttered.

“So you seduced your all-too-willing husband. That’s not a capital offense.”

He seemed to be teasing.

My cheeks got hotter. “The word _seduced_ implies a certain amount of premeditation.”

He glanced meaningfully at the scraps of mesh. I giggled nervously.

“You’re not angry?”

He smiled ruefully. “I’m not angry.”

“Why not?”

“Well..” He paused. “I didn’t hurt you, for one thing. It was easier this time, to control myself, to channel the excesses.” His eyes flickered to the damaged frame again. “Maybe because I had a better idea of what to expect.”

A hopeful smile started to spread across my face. “I _told_ you that it was all about practice.”

He rolled his eyes.

My stomach growled, and he laughed. “Breakfast time for the human?” he asked.

“Please,” I said, hopping out of bed. I moved too quickly, though, and had to stagger drunkenly to regain my balance. He caught me before I could stumble into the dresser.

“Are you all right?”

“If I ever do change, I hope I have a better sense of equilibrium in my next life, or I’m demanding a refund.”

 

I cooked this morning, frying up some eggs—too hungry to do anything more elaborate. Impatient, I flipped them onto a plate after just a few minutes.

“Since when do you eat eggs sunny-side up?” he asked.

“Since now.”

“Do you know how much food you’ve gone through in the last week?” He pulled the trash bin out from under the sink as evidence.

“Weird,” I said after swallowing a scorching bite. “This place is messing with my appetite.” And my dreams, and my already dubious balance. “But I think that has more to do with all the excursions you’ve been dragging me on. I’m going to get fat from eating so much.”

He sat down next to me. “Isn’t that part of being human and getting married?” he teased.

I snorted. “Very funny, Edward. If I leave this honeymoon twenty pounds heavier, it’ll be your fault.”

“What do you mean?” He asked innocently.

“I don’t spend _my_ free time plotting like some people do. _What can we do to wear Beau out today?_ ” I said in a poor impression of his voice. He laughed, unashamed. “You know, if this is what being human entails, I think I may never think about changing ever again.” I leaned over to run my hand across his bare chest. “I have not had enough.”

He gave me a dubious look. “For _this_?” he asked, placing his hand over mine as it moved down his stomach. “Sex was the key all along?” He rolled his eyes. “Why didn’t I think of that?” he muttered sarcastically. “I could have saved myself a lot of worry.”

I laughed. “Yeah, probably.”

“You are _so_ human,” he said again.

“I know.”

A hint of a smile pulled at his lips. “So, after the honeymoon, are we really going to Dartmouth?”

I hadn’t thought about our after-honeymoon plans since the wedding, but I considered it for a moment and smiled. “I’ll probably fail out in one semester.”

“I’ll tutor you.” The smile was wide now. “You’re going to love college.”

“Actually,” I began thoughtfully, “I know you had your heart set on Dartmouth, but would it be too late for me to try to get into some sort of cooking school?”

“Cooking?” He smiled.

“Well, I mean, you know I like cooking,” I shrugged, “and I think I’m pretty good at it. I was just thinking, if I was going to go to college why shouldn’t it be for something I really enjoy?”

“I think that’s an excellent idea, Beau.” He smiled. “We can look into it after we leave.”

“Speaking of, how much longer can we stay?” I asked.

“We’re fine on time. A few more weeks, if you want. And then we can visit Charlie before we go the semester starts. We could spend Christmas with Renée…”

His words painted a very happy immediate future, one free of pain for everyone involved. The Jacob-drawer, all but forgotten, rattled, and I amended the thought—for _almost_ everyone.

I didn’t want to think about that now, though. But was that selfish of me? There would always be a part of my heart—a fractured piece—that would hurt for Jacob Black. Even if I couldn’t love him the way he wanted me to, I would always love him as my best friend. I had no plans to end my humanity anytime soon, Edward and I were making the whole married thing work _very_ well… Maybe Jacob would come around… someday.

“A few weeks,” I agreed. And then, because there never seemed to be enough time, I added, “So I was thinking—you know what I was saying about practice before?”

He laughed. “Can you hold on to that thought? I hear a boat. The cleaning crew must be here.”

He wanted me to hold on to that thought. Did that mean he wasn’t going to give me any more trouble about practicing? I smiled.

“Let me explain the mess in the white room to Gustavo, and then we can go out. There’s a place in the jungle on the south—”

“I don’t want to go out. I am not hiking all over the island today. I want to stay here and watch a movie.”

He pursed his lips, trying not to laugh at my disgruntled tone. “All right, whatever you’d like. Why don’t you pick one out while I get the door?”

“I didn’t hear a knock.”

He cocked his head to the side, listening. A half second later, a faint, timid rap on the door sounded. He grinned and turned for the hallway.

I wandered over to the shelves under the big TV and started scanning through the titles. It was hard to decide where to begin. They had more movies than a rental store.

I could hear Edward’s low, velvet voice as he came back down the hall, conversing fluidly in what I assumed was perfect Portuguese. Another, harsher, human voice answered in the same tongue.

Edward led them into the room, pointing toward the kitchen on his way. One was a round man, the other a slight female, both their faces creased with lines. Edward gestured to me with a proud smile, and I heard my name mixed in with a flurry of unfamiliar words. I flushed a little as I thought of the downy mess in the white room, which they would soon encounter. The little man smiled at me politely.

But the tiny coffee-skinned woman didn’t smile. She stared at me with a mixture of shock, worry, and most of all, wide-eyed _fear_. Before I could react, Edward motioned for them to follow him toward the chicken coop, and they were gone.

When he reappeared, he was alone. He walked swiftly to my side and wrapped his arms around me.

“What’s with her?” I whispered urgently, remembering her panicked expression.

He shrugged, unperturbed. “Kaure’s part Ticuna Indian. She was raised to be more superstitious—or you could call it more aware—than those who live in the modern world. She suspects what I am, or close enough.” He still didn’t sound worried. “They have their own legends here. The _Libishomen_ —a blood-drinking demon who preys exclusively on beautiful humans.” He leered at me.

Beautiful humans only? Well, that was kind of flattering. “She looked terrified,” I said.

“She is—but mostly she’s worried about you.”

“Me?”

“She’s afraid of why I have you here, all alone.” He chuckled darkly and then looked toward the wall of movies. “Oh well, why don’t you choose something for us to watch? That’s an acceptably human thing to do.”

“Yes, I’m sure a movie will convince her that you’re human.” I laughed and clasped my arms securely around his neck, stretching up on my tiptoes. He leaned down so that I could kiss him, and then his arms tightened around me, lifting me off the floor so he didn’t have to bend.

“Movie, schmovie,” I muttered as his lips moved down my throat, twisting my fingers in his bronze hair.

Then I heard a gasp, and he put me down abruptly. Kaure stood frozen in the hallway, feathers in her black hair, a large sack of more feathers in her arms, an expression of horror on her face. She stared at me, her eyes bugging out, as I blushed and looked down. Then she recovered herself and murmured something that, even in an unfamiliar language, was clearly an apology. Edward smiled and answered in a friendly tone. She turned her dark eyes away and continued down the hall.

“She was thinking what I think she was thinking, wasn’t she?” I muttered.

He laughed at my convoluted sentence. “Yes.”

“Here,” I said, reaching out at random and grabbing a movie. “Put this on and we can pretend to watch it.”

It was an old musical with smiling faces and fluffy dresses on the front.

“Very honeymoonish,” Edward approved.

While actors on the screen danced their way through a perky introduction song, I lolled on the sofa, snuggled into Edward’s arms.

“Will we move back into the white room now?” I wondered idly.

“I don’t know... I’ve already mangled the headboard in the other room beyond repair—maybe if we limit the destruction to one area of the house, Esme might invite us back someday.”

I smiled widely. “So there will be more destruction?”

He laughed at my expression. “I think it might be safer if it’s premeditated, rather than if I wait for you to assault me again.”

“It would only be a matter of time,” I agreed casually, but my pulse was racing in my veins.

“Is there something the matter with your heart?”

“Nope. Healthy as a horse.” I paused. “Did you want to go survey the demolition zone now?”

“Maybe it would be more polite to wait until we’re alone. _You_ may not notice me tearing the furniture apart, but it would probably scare them.”

In truth, I’d already forgotten the people in the other room. “Right. Damn.”

Gustavo and Kaure moved quietly through the house while I waited impatiently for them to finish and tried to pay attention to the happily-ever-after on the screen. I was starting to get sleepy—though, according to Edward, I’d slept half the day—when a rough voice startled me. Edward sat up, keeping me cradled against him, and answered Gustavo in flowing Portuguese. Gustavo nodded and walked quietly toward the front door.

“They’re finished,” Edward told me.

“So that would mean that we’re alone now?”

“How about lunch first?” he suggested.

I bit my lip, torn by the dilemma. I _was_ pretty hungry.

With a smile, he took my hand and led me to the kitchen. He knew my face so well, it didn’t matter that he couldn’t read my mind.

 

“This is getting out of hand,” I complained when I finally felt full.

“Do you want to swim with the dolphins this afternoon—burn off the calories?” he asked.

“Maybe later. I had another idea for burning calories.”

“And what was that?”

“Well, there’s an awful lot of headboard left—”

But I didn’t finish. He’d already swept me up into his arms, and his lips silenced mine as he carried me with inhuman speed to the blue room.


	7. Unexpected

The line of black advanced on me through the shroud-like mist. I could see their dark ruby eyes glinting with desire, lusting for the kill. Their lips pulled back over their sharp, wet teeth—some to snarl, some to smile.

I heard a sound behind me, I turned to see the faces of my human family and friends, all of them were trembling with fright. I turned back to face the oncoming threat, though I was desperate to make sure everyone I loved felt safe and reassured, I could not afford any lapse in focus now.

The guards ghosted closer, their black robes billowing slightly with the movement. I saw their hands curl into bone-colored claws. They started to drift apart, angling to come at us from all sides. We were surrounded. We were going to die.

And then, like a burst of light from a flash, the whole scene was different. Yet nothing changed—the Volturi still stalked toward us, poised to kill. All that really changed was how the picture looked to me. Suddenly, I was hungry for it. I _wanted_ them to charge. The panic changed to bloodlust as I crouched forward, a smile on my face, and a snarl ripped through my bared teeth.

I jolted upright, shocked out of the dream.

The room was black. It was also steamy hot. Sweat matted my hair at the temples and rolled down my throat.

I groped the warm sheets and found them empty.

“Edward?”

Just then, my fingers encountered something smooth and flat and stiff. One sheet of paper folded in half. I took the note with me and felt my way across the room to the light switch.

The outside of the note was addressed to Mr. Beau Cullen.

 

_I’m hoping you won’t wake and notice my absence, but, if you should, I’ll be back very soon. I’ve just gone to the mainland to hunt. Go back to sleep and I’ll be here when you wake again. I love you._

 

I sighed. We’d been here about two weeks now, so I should have been expecting that he would have to leave, but I hadn’t been thinking about time. We seemed to exist outside of time here, just drifting along in a perfect state.

I wiped the sweat off my forehead. I felt absolutely wide awake, though the clock on the dresser said it was after one. I knew I would never be able to sleep as hot and sticky as I felt. Not to mention the fact that if I shut off the light and closed my eyes, I was sure to see those prowling black figures in my head.

I got up and wandered aimlessly through the dark house, flipping on lights. It felt so big and empty without Edward there. Different.

I ended up in the kitchen and decided that maybe I should eat something. I wasn’t particularly hungry, but maybe some comfort food would be nice.

I poked around in the fridge until I found all the ingredients for fried chicken. The popping and sizzling of the chicken in the pan was a nice, homey sound; I felt less nervous while it filled the silence.

It smelled so good that I started eating it right out of the pan, burning my tongue in the process. By the fifth or sixth bite, though, it had cooled enough for me to taste it. My chewing slowed. Was there something off about the flavor? I checked the meat, and it was white all the way through, but I wondered if it was completely done. I took another experimental bite; I chewed twice. Ugh—definitely bad. I jumped up to spit it into the sink. Suddenly, the chicken-and-oil smell was revolting. I took the whole plate and shook it into the garbage, then opened the windows to chase away the scent. A coolish breeze had picked up outside. It felt good on my skin.

I was abruptly exhausted, but I didn’t want to go back to the hot room. So I opened more windows in the TV room and lay on the couch right beneath them. I turned on the same movie we’d watched the other day and quickly fell asleep to the bright opening song.

 

When I opened my eyes again, the sun was halfway up the sky, but it was not the light that woke me. Cool arms were around me, pulling me against him. At the same time, a sudden whirl of dizziness and a sharp pain twisted in my stomach.

“I’m sorry,” Edward was murmuring as he wiped a wintry hand across my clammy forehead. “So much for thoroughness. I didn’t think about how hot you would be with me gone. I’ll have an air conditioner installed before I leave again.”

I couldn’t concentrate on what he was saying. “Excuse me!” I gasped, struggling to get free of his arms.

He dropped his hold automatically. “Beau?”

I streaked for the bathroom with my hand clamped over my mouth. I felt so horrible that I didn’t even care—at first—that he was with me while I crouched over the toilet and was violently sick.

“Beau? What’s wrong?”

I couldn’t answer yet. He held me anxiously, keeping my hair out of my face, waiting till I could breathe again.

“Damn rancid chicken,” I moaned.

“Are you all right?” His voice was strained.

“Fine,” I panted. “It’s just food poisoning. You don’t need to see this. Go away.”

“Not likely, Beau.”

“Go away,” I moaned again, struggling to get up so I could rinse my mouth out. He helped me gently, ignoring the weak shoves I aimed at him.

After my mouth was clean, he carried me to the bed and sat me down carefully, supporting me with his arms.

“Food poisoning?”

“Yeah,” I croaked. “I made some chicken last night. It tasted off, so I threw it out. But I ate a few bites first.”

He put a cold hand on my forehead. It felt nice. “How do you feel now? You’re very warm.”

I thought about that for a moment. The nausea had mostly passed, but I still felt off. All my joints ached. And it was so hot—swelteringly hot.  

He made me drink a big glass of water. He wanted me to stay in bed, but I didn’t want to, so he carried me to the couch in front of the television. He put on CNN—we’d been so out of touch, world war three could have broken out and we wouldn’t have known—and I lounged drowsily across his lap.

I got bored with the news and twisted around to kiss him. Just like this morning, a bout of nauseating dizziness overwhelmed me, and a sharp rolled through my body when I moved. I lurched away from him, my hand tight over my mouth. I knew I’d never make it to the bathroom this time, so I ran to the kitchen sink.

He kept my hair back from my face again.

“Maybe we should go back to Rio, see a doctor,” he suggested anxiously when I was rinsing my mouth afterward.

I shook my head and edged toward the hallway. Doctors meant needles. “I’ll be fine right after I brush my teeth.”

“What’s this?” He asked, running his cool fingers over the back of my neck.

I reached back, feeling a lump where his fingers had been. “I don’t know…” I hesitated. “Oh, no, wait, I remember. I got bit by some bug the other night.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” He asked, concerned.

“It didn’t seem like that big of a deal, bug bites are part of being human,” I shrugged, inching my way to the bathroom, “Besides, I had other things on my mind that night.”

He chuckled softly. “I see.”

“Is it hotter today than it’s been?” I asked, feeling the sweat beading on my forehead.

“No more so than before,” He said softly, “perhaps you overheated last night.”

“Maybe.” I said, inching into the bathroom and closing the door behind me.

 

When my mouth tasted better, I searched through my suitcase for the little first-aid kit Alice had backed for me, full of human things like bandages and painkillers—I had a searing headache, probably from the strain of vomiting. Some painkillers and Pepto-Bismol would help settle my head and my stomach and calm Edward down.

As I was fumbling with the bottle of painkillers I felt another wave of dizziness coming on, I tried to steady myself against the sink, dropping the bottle which clattered to the tile floor.

“Are you alright, love?” Edward asked through the door. “Did you get sick again?”

“Just a dizzy spell,” I groaned. “I think I’m oka—” My words were cut off by a sudden, violent cough that wracked through my body.

“Beau? Can I please come in?” His voice was worried now.

“O…kay…” I gasped through the coughs.

He came in and appraised my position, gripping the edge of the sink, my body still shaking from the violent coughing fit. Then his eyes grew wide and he was at my side, a hand on my back.

“What’s wrong?”

“Just a cough, I think maybe I have the flu or something.” I answered, clearing my throat.

“Beau…” His hand was at my mouth, his fingers wiping something away from the corner.

“What is it?” I asked, I was having an increasingly hard time focusing.

His face was stone, his eyes wide and hard, his lips pressed into a tight line as he held his hand out to me. There was blood on his fingers.

“What the hell?” I wiped at the corners of my mouth with my hand, finding more blood. “That’s… not good.” I coughed again, into my hand. When the fit passed, there were more flecks of red in my palm.

Edward’s hand was on my forehead in a flash. “You’re burning up. Does anything else feel wrong?” His voice was strained and full of panic.

“My head hurts, my body aches, I feel dizzy…” I tried to assess my physical state as thoroughly as possible. “I guess I’m pretty thirsty.” I couldn’t list anymore symptoms, another violent coughing fit spasmed through me and I lost my balance, falling into Edward’s arms.

In the same moment, Edward’s phone rang, shrill and demanding. Neither of us moved. It rang again and again. I tried to tune it out while I focused on steadying my breathing and calming the cough. I caught a glimpse of my face in the mirror, my skin looked pale and clammy, there was blood trickling from the corner of my mouth.

The phone kept ringing. I wished Edward would answer it—I didn’t think I could focus enough to do so myself.

_Ring! Ring! Ring!_

Finally, the annoyance broke through everything else. I reached into his pocket and pulled the phone out, nearly dropping it. I half-expected him to thaw out and answer it himself, but he was perfectly still.

I glanced at the caller ID before answering.

“Hey, Alice,” I said. My voice sounded dry and harsh. I cleared my throat.

‘Beau? Beau, are you okay?”

“I don’t know, Alice. I think I’m sick. Is Carlisle there?”

“He is. What’s wrong, Beau?”

“I’m not sure…”

“Is Edward all right?” she asked warily. She called Carlisle’s name away from the phone and then demanded, “Why didn’t he pick up the phone?” before I could answer her first question.

“I’m not sure.”

“Beau, what’s going on? I just saw—”

“What did you see?”

There was a silence. “Here’s Carlisle,” she finally said.

It felt like ice water had been injected in my veins. If Alice had just seen a vision of me sick, she would have answered me, wouldn’t she?

While I waited through the split second it took for Carlisle to speak, I wondered what Alice could have seen that would make her sound so worried.

“Beau, it’s Carlisle. What’s going on?”

“I’m not sure. I woke up feeling… sick, I guess.” I glanced down at Edward, who was still unmoving at my side. “I’m a little worried about Edward… Can vampires go into shock?”

“Has he been harmed?” Carlisle’s voice was getting urgent.

“No, no,” I assured him. “I think he’s just worried about me.”

“I don’t understand, Beau.”

“I’ve been really hot and dizzy since I woke up, and then I started coughing and…” I looked down at my bloody hand.

“And what, Beau?”

“I started coughing up blood.”

Carlisle’s medical training immediately kicked in.

“What other symptoms do you have?”

“My body aches,” I told him. “I’m dizzy, nauseous, hot…” Another cough burst through my lips. “There’s the coughing with the blood, and I’m having a hard time focusing.”

“Did you come into contact with anything that might have started the symptoms?”

“I got bit by a bug the other night.”

“Beau, let me speak to Edward.”

Edward’s head snapped up, he held his hand out for the phone, his face white and hard.

“Okay, here he is.”

“Thank you,” Carlisle said in a strained voice.

Not entirely sure that Edward _could_ talk, I put the phone in his outstretched hand.

He pressed it to his ear. “Carlisle, his blood…” he whispered.

He listened for a long time, staring blankly at nothing.

“Carlisle, what did Alice see?” he asked. His arm wrapped around me as he spoke, pulling me close into his side.

His eyes widened, and a look of despair passed over his face. After a long moment he said, “Yes. Yes, I will.”

He pulled the phone away from his ear and pressed the “end” button. Right away, he dialed a new number.

“What did Carlisle say?” I asked, wobbling slightly.

Edward answered in a strained voice. “He thinks you’re very sick.”

The words were simple, straightforward enough. But the way he said them made my stomach drop. There was something… desperate, something deeply pained in his voice.

“Who are you calling now?” I asked as he put the phone back to his ear.

“The airport. We’re going home.”

Edward was on the phone for more than an hour without a break. I guessed that he was arranging our flight home, but I couldn’t be sure because he wasn’t speaking English. It sounded like he was arguing; he spoke through his teeth a lot.

While he argued, he packed. He whirled around the room like an angry tornado, leaving order rather than destruction in his path. He threw a set of my clothes on the bed without looking at them, so I assumed it was time for me to get dressed. He continued with his argument while I changed, gesturing with sudden, agitated movements.

When I could no longer bear the violent energy radiating out of him, I quietly left the room. His manic concentration made me sick to my stomach—not like the nausea, just uncomfortable. I would wait somewhere else for his mood to pass. I couldn’t talk to this icy, focused Edward who honestly frightened me a little.

Once again, I ended up in the kitchen. I carefully got myself a glass of water, sipping it absently, staring out the window at the sand and rocks and trees and ocean, everything glittering in the sun.

“I don’t want to go,” I sighed to myself.

I stared out the window for a moment, feeling confused.

“I don’t understand,” I whispered.

Humans got sick. It was a part of life. I’d gotten sick before. Carlisle could fix me up, I was sure. He was a genius with medicine. What could possibly be different about this sickness? What could make Carlisle sound so worried? Make Edward so upset?

Then I realized.

It was what Alice had seen.

Something had made Carlisle and Edward scared. Scared for me. Something in Alice’s vision had worried them to the point of what I could only describe as panic. I pressed the cool glass of water to my temple, trying to ease the burning heat that was making it increasingly difficult to focus.

My eyes were blurry, the sand and rocks slid out of focus into a smear of colors and light. I heard the crashing sound of glass breaking and felt water around my feet. Then, before I had time to fully grasp what was happening, the world turned upside down.

“Beau? Beau!” Edward’s voice was panicked, rushing toward me.

I was vaguely aware of him cradling me to his chest. The coldness of his body felt good against my increasingly hot skin.

“Beau, are you alright?” His hand was gently pushing my hair out of my eyes. “Beau, say something, please.”

“I’m fine,” I croaked out the words. “What happened?”

He didn’t speak at first. “You collapsed.”

“Oh,” I mumbled, glancing around.

He pulled me against his chest. “Don’t be afraid. We’ll be home in sixteen hours. You’ll be fine. Carlisle will be ready when we get there. We’ll take care of this, and you’ll be fine, you’ll be fine.”

“Edward, what did Alice see?”

He didn’t answer me, I tried to make my eyes focus on his face.

“Edward, what did she see?” I asked again, louder. The strain forced me into another fit of violent coughs.

He held me steady through the fit, when it had subsided he gently rubbed my back. “Alice’s visions aren’t set in stone, Beau. They’re not…” He trailed off. “Don’t worry, we _will_ fix this. If Carlisle can’t get you better…” He hesitated. “We have one last option.”

He looked sharply away from me, toward the front door.

“Dammit! I forgot Gustavo was due today. I’ll get rid of him and be right back.” He lifted me and rushed me to a chair, leaving me there before darting out of the room.

I leaned against the nearby counter, feeling like I might fall out of the chair if I wasn’t careful.

As I sat there, the severity of the situation began to come into focus before me. I was sick—very sick. So sick that Edward was panicked, that Carlisle needed to do something immediately. So sick, that Edward was willing to consider changing me in order to save me.

For Edward to even _consider_ that alternative made it perfectly clear to me what Alice had seen. There was no other explanation. Alice had seen my death.

I heard Edward speaking Portuguese again. Arguing again. His voice got closer, and I heard him grunt in exasperation. Then I heard another voice, low and timid. A woman’s voice.

He came into the kitchen ahead of her and went straight to me. He wiped the sweat from my brown and murmured in my ear through the thin, hard line of his lips.

“She’s insisting on leaving the food she brought—she made us dinner.” If he had been less tense, less furious, I knew he would have rolled his eyes. “it’s an excuse—she wants to make sure I haven’t killed you yet.” His voice went ice cold at the end.

Kaure edged nervously around the corner with a covered dish in her hands. I wished I could speak Portuguese, or that my Spanish was less rudimentary, so that I could try to thank this woman who had dared to anger a vampire just to check on me.

Her eyes flickered between the two of us. I saw her measuring the color in my face, the sheen of sweat on my skin. Mumbling something I didn’t understand, she put the dish on the counter.

Edward snapped something at her; I’d never heard him be so impolite before. She turned to go and I cleared my throat, trying to remember how to apologize in Spanish, but my breath caught in my throat and I began coughing again. This time so violently, then when I could quell the coughs long enough to inhale, the breath was a strained gasp. Edward was holding me tightly, rubbing my back.

I heard a little gasp and I looked up.

The woman was still there, hesitating in the doorway with her hands half-outstretched as if she had been looking for some way to help. Her eyes were locked on my face, popping wide with shock. Her mouth hung open.

Then Edward gasped, too, and he suddenly turned to face the woman, cradling me against his chest.

Suddenly, Kaure was shouting at him—loudly, furiously, her unintelligible words flying across the room like knives. She raised her tiny fist in the air and took two steps forward, shaking it at him. Despite her ferocity, it was easy to see the terror in her eyes.

Edward stepped toward her, too, and I clutched at his arm, frightened for the woman. But when he interrupted her tirade, his voice took me by surprise, especially considering how sharp he’d been with her when she _wasn’t_ screeching at him. It was low now; it was pleading. Not only that, but the sound was different, more guttural, the cadence off. I didn’t think he was speaking Portuguese anymore.

For a moment, the woman stared at him in wonder, and then her eyes narrowed as she barked out a long question in the same alien tongue.

I watched as his face grew sad and serious, and he nodded once. She took a quick step back and crossed herself.

He reached out to her, gesturing toward me and then resting his hand against my cheek. She replied angrily again, waving her hands accusingly toward him, and then gestured to him. When she finished, he pleaded again with the same low, urgent voice.

Her expression changed—she stared at him with doubt plain on her face as he spoke, her eyes repeatedly flashing to my confused face. He stopped speaking, and she seemed to be deliberating something. She looked back and forth between the two of us, and then, unconsciously it seemed, took a step forward.

She asked me something I couldn’t understand, I stared at her through my foggy haze. She pursed her lips, then began moving her hand around in the air, a droning buzzing sound coming from her lips. She moved her hand to her arm and pinched a bit of skin with her forefinger and thumb. I understood now, she was asking if I had been bitten by a bug. I weakly nodded my head.

She walked a few steps forward deliberately this time and asked a few brief questions, which he responded to tensely. Then he became the questioner—one quick query. She hesitated and then slowly shook her head. When he spoke again, his voice was so agonized that I looked up at him in shock. His face was drawn with pain.

In answer, she walked slowly forward until she was close enough to lay her small hand on my forehead. She spoke one word in Portuguese.

 _“Morte,”_ she sighed quietly. Then she turned, her shoulders bent as if the conversation had aged her and left the room.

I knew enough Spanish for that one.

Edward was frozen again, staring after her with the tortured expression fixed on his face. A few moments later, I heard a boat’s engine putter to life and then fade into the distance.

Edward did not move until I slowly stood to my feet and wobbled toward the bathroom. Then his hand caught my shoulder.

“Where are you going?” His voice was a whisper of pain.

“I need some painkillers. I never took any.”

“Don’t worry about what she said. She’s seen this sickness before, but they don’t have access to the same medicine here that Carlisle does.”

“I didn’t understand anything,” I told him, though it wasn’t entirely true. “I’m sure it’ll be fine, Edward.”

“I packed the painkillers. I’ll get them for you.”

“Are we leaving soon?” I asked weakly.

“As soon as you’re ready.”

He returned with the painkillers and a glass of water for me. He waited for me to finish, pacing silently.

“I’ll get the bags into the boat.” He finally said.

“Edward—”

He turned back. “Yes?”

I hesitated from my initial question. “Could you… make sure the painkillers are easy to get to? I might need more.”

“Of course,” he said, his eyes suddenly soft. “Don’t worry about anything. We’ll get to Carlisle in just a few hours, really. He’ll know what to do.”

I nodded. “Edward…”

“Yes, love?”

“If Carlisle can’t do anything…” I trailed off.

His eyes grew hard again. “If— _if_ —Carlisle can’t do anything medically for you…” He paused, thoughtfully. “I won’t let you die, Beau.” The sudden fierceness in his voice, coupled with his admittance that I could die, startled me. “If I have to, if there’s nothing else I can do to save you… I’ll change you.”

He turned and left the room, one big suitcase in each hand.

So that was it. I was sick, so sick that he had already had to grapple with the decision of whether or not to change me. He had thought about it and already resolved himself to do so. For him to be so sure, so certain that he would need to… That meant my mortal life was reaching its end.

I’d survived so much before. I’d faced death and escaped numerous times. But how do you run away from your own body failing you? It wasn’t a homicidal tracker, a vengeful lover, or the might of the Volturi that was coming for me now. It was my own body giving up. Death itself had come to claim me.

I could let him change me. I could become like him. Hadn’t I wanted it—to varying degrees—before? But now, with the reality of what that meant so clear before me I couldn’t bring myself to accept it. I _could_ survive this, I could become like Edward and his family. But I would never see _my_ family again, I would never see my friends again.

If I died of whatever this sickness was, my family could mourn that death. But if I became a vampire, my family would mourn and I would still be around—I would have to live with myself for all of eternity knowing the pain I put Charlie and Renée through and never being able to see them again. I couldn’t live with that.

Thinking as quickly as my increasingly tired mind could manage, I grabbed Edward’s phone that he’d left on the counter. It was very unlike him to forget things—forget that Gustavo was coming, to leave his phone lying here. He was so stressed he was barely himself.

I unlocked the phone and scrolled through the preprogrammed numbers. I was glad he had the sound turned off, afraid that he would catch me. Would he be at the boat now? Or back already? Would he hear me from the kitchen if I whispered?

I found the number I wanted, one I had never called before in my life. I pressed the “send” button and crossed my fingers.

“Hello?” the voice like golden bells answered.

“Royal?” I whispered. “It’s Beau. Please. You have to help me.”

I couldn’t remember what else I said, the next thing I knew the world was going dark around me and I was falling.


	8. Waiting For the Damn Fight to Start Already

**Book II**

**Jacob**

 

* * *

 

 

_And yet, to say the truth,_

_Reason and love keep little company together nowadays._

William Shakespeare

_A Midsummer Night’s Dream_

Act III, scene i

 

* * *

 

**Preface**

_Life sucks, and then you die._

 

Yeah, I should be so lucky.

 

* * *

 

“Jeez, Paul, don’t you freaking have a home of your own?”

Paul, lounging across _my_ whole couch, watching some stupid baseball game on _my_ crappy TV, just grinned at me and then—real slow—he lifted one Dorito from the bag in his lap and wedged it into his mouth in one piece.

“You better’ve brought those with you.”

Crunch. “Nope,” he said while chewing. “Your sister said to go ahead and help myself to anything I wanted.”

I tried to make my voice sound like I wasn’t about to punch him. “Is Rachel here now?”

It didn’t work. He heard where I was going and shoved the bag behind his back. The bag crackled as he smashed it into the cushion. The chips crunched into pieces. Paul’s hands came up in fists, close to his face like a boxer.

“Bring it, kid. I don’t need Rachel to protect me.”

I snorted. “Right. Like you wouldn’t go crying to her first chance.”

He laughed and relaxed into the sofa, dropping his hands. “I’m not going to tattle to your sister. If you got in a lucky hit, that would be just between the two of us. And vice versa, right?”

Nice of him to give me an invitation. I made my body slump like I’d given up. “Right.”

His eyes shifted to the TV.

I lunged.

His nose made a satisfying crunching sound of its own when my fist connected. He tried to grab me, but I danced out of the way before he could find a hold, the ruined bag of Doritos in my left hand.

“You broke my nose, idiot.”

“Just between us, right Paul?”

I went to put the chips away. When I turned around, Paul was repositioning his nose before it could set crooked. The blood had already stopped; it looked like it had no source as it tricked down his lips and off his chin. He cussed, wincing as he pulled at the cartilage.

“You are such a pain, Jacob. I swear, I’d rather hang out with Liam.”

“Ouch. Wow, I bet Liam’s really going to love to hear that you want to spend some quality time with him. It’ll just warm the cockles of his heart.”

“You’re going to forget I said that.”

“Of course. I’m sure it won’t slip out.”

“Ugh,” he grunted, and then settled back into the couch, wiping the leftover blood on the collar of his t-shirt. “You’re fast, kid, I’ll give you that.” He turned his attention back to the fuzzy game.

I stood there for a second, and then I stalked off to my room, muttering about alien abductions.

Back in the day, you could count on Paul for a fight pretty much whenever. You didn’t have to hit him then—any mild insult would do. It didn’t take a lot to flip him out of control. Now, of course, when I really _wanted_ a good snarling, ripping, break-the-trees-down math, he had to be all mellow.

Wasn’t it bad enough that yet another member of the pack had found someone—because, really, that made four of ten now! When would it stop? It’s like they were falling in love on purpose just to kick me when I was already down!

And did it have to be _my_ sister? Did it have to be _Paul_?

When Rachel’d come home from Washington State at the end of the summer semester—graduated early, the nerd—my biggest worry’d been that it would be hard keeping the secret around her. I wasn’t used to covering things up in my own home. It made me real sympathetic to guys like Embry and Collin, whose parents didn’t know they were werewolves.Embry’s mom thought he was going through some kind of rebellious stage. He was permanently grounded for constantly sneaking out, but, of course, there wasn’t much he could do about that. She’d check his room every night, and every night it would be empty again. She’d yell and he’d take it in silence, and then go through it all again the next day. We’d tried to talk Sam into giving Embry a break and letting his mom in on the gig, but Embry’d said he didn’t mind. The secret was too important.

So I’d been all geared up to be keeping that secret. And then, two days after Rachel got home, Paul ran into her on the beach, they got to talking, laughing and bada bing, bada boom—true love! No secrets necessary when you found your other half, right? They’d hit it off so well that I swear they were already thinking about marriage— _marriage!_ Stupid.

Rachel got the whole story. And I got Paul as a potential brother-in-law someday. I knew Billy wasn’t much thrilled about it, either. But he handled it better than I did. ’Course, he did escape to the Clearwaters’ more often than usual these days. I didn’t see where that was so much better. No Paul, but plenty of Liam.

I wondered—would a bullet through my temple actually kill me or just leave a really big mess for me to clean up?

I threw myself down on the bed. I was tired—hadn’t slept since my last patrol—but I knew I wasn’t going to sleep. My head was too crazy. The thoughts bounced around inside my skull like a disoriented swarm of bees. Noisy. Now and then they stung. Must be hornets, not bees. Bees died after one sting. And the same thoughts were stinging me again and again.

This waiting was driving me insane. It had been almost four weeks. I’d expected, one way or another, the news would have come by now. I’d sat up nights imagining what form it would take.

Charlie sobbing on the phone—Beau and his new husband lost in an accident. A plane crash? That would be hard to fake. Unless the leeches didn’t mind killing a bunch of bystanders to authenticate it, and why would they? Maybe a small plane instead. They probably had one of those to spare.

Or would the murderer come home alone, unsuccessful in his attempt to make Beau one of them? Or not even getting that far. Maybe he’d smashed him like a bag of chips in his drive to get some? Because Beau’s life was less important to him than his own pleasure...

I shook my head, trying not to think about _that_. I still felt bad about that night at the wedding. It hadn’t been any of my business, ‘course. But I just couldn’t even imagine Beau would _want_ that? Who wants to slide into bed with an ice-cold rock? I’d over reacted, I’d been an idiot. Obviously, I was worried about Beau’s safety, sure. But there was the other side of it. I couldn’t stop myself from being jealous about it—about Beau _being_ with that bloodsucker like _that_ … I needed to stop thinking about it.

The story would be so tragic—Beau lost in a horrible accident. Victim of a mugging gone wrong. Choking to death at dinner. A car accident, like my mom. So common. Happened all the time.

Would the leech bring Beau home? Bury him here for Charlie? Closed-casket ceremony, of course. My mom’s coffin had been nailed shut....

I could only hope that the bloodsucker would come back here, within my reach.

Maybe there would be no story at all. Maybe Charlie would call to ask my dad if he’d heard anything from Dr. Cullen, who just didn’t show up to work one day. The house abandoned. No answer on any of the Cullens’ phones. The mystery picked up by some second-rate news program, foul play suspected...

Maybe the big white house would burn to the ground, everyone trapped inside. Of course, they’d need bodies for that one. Eight humans of roughly the right size. Burned beyond recognition—beyond the help of dental records.

Either of those would be tricky—for me, that is. It would be hard to find them if they didn’t want to be found. Of course, I had forever to look. If you had forever, you could check out every single piece of straw in the haystack, one by one, to see if it was the needle.

Right now, I wouldn’t mind dismantling a haystack. At least that would be something to _do._ I hated knowing that I could be losing my chance. Giving the bloodsuckers the time to escape, if that was their plan.

We could go tonight. We could kill every one of them that we could find.

I liked that plan because I knew Edward well enough to know that, if I killed any one of his coven, I would get my chance at him, too. He’d come for revenge. And I’d give it to him—I wouldn’t let my brothers take him down as a pack. It would be just him and me. May the better man win.

But Sam wouldn’t hear of it. _We’re not going to break the treaty. Let them make the first breach._ Just because we had no proof that the Cullens had done anything wrong. Yet. You had to add the yet, because we all knew it was inevitable. Even though Beau said he had no plans on becoming a bloodsucker, we knew. Beau was either coming back one of them, or not coming back. Either way, a human life would be lost. And that meant game on.

In the other room, Paul brayed like a mule. Maybe he’d switched to a comedy. Maybe the commercial was funny. Whatever. It grated on my nerves.

I thought about breaking his nose again. But it wasn’t Paul I wanted to fight with. Not really.

I tried to listen to other sounds, the wind in the trees. It wasn’t the same, not through human ears. There were a million voices in the wind that I couldn’t hear in this body.

But these ears were sensitive enough. I could hear past the trees, to the road, the sounds of the cars coming around that last bend where you could finally see the beach—the vista of the islands and the rocks and the big blue ocean stretching to the horizon. The La Push cops liked to hang out right around there. Tourists never noticed the reduced speed limit sign on the other side of the road.

I could hear the voices outside the souvenir shop on the beach. I could hear the cowbell clanging as the door opened and closed. I could hear Embry’s mom at the cash register, printing out a receipt.

I could hear the tide raking across the beach rocks. I could hear the kids squeal as the icy water rushed in too fast for them to get out of the way. I could hear the moms complain about the wet clothes. And I could hear a familiar voice....

I was listening so hard that the sudden burst of Paul’s donkey laugh made me jump half off the bed.

“Get out of my house,” I grumbled. Knowing he wouldn’t pay any attention, I followed my own advice. I wrenched open my window and climbed out the back way so that I wouldn’t see Paul again. It would be too tempting. I knew I would hit him again, and Rachel was going to be pissed enough already. She’d see the blood on his shirt, and she’d blame me right away without waiting for proof. Of course, she’d be right, but still.

I paced down to the shore, my fists in my pockets. Nobody looked at me twice when I went through the dirt lot by First Beach. That was one nice thing about summer—no one cared if you wore nothing but shorts.

I followed the familiar voice I’d heard and found Quil easy enough. He was on the south end of the crescent, avoiding the bigger part of the tourist crowd. He kept up a constant stream of warnings.

“Keep out of the water, Claire. C’mon. No, don’t. Oh! _Nice_ , kid. Seriously, do you want Elise to yell at me? I’m not bringing you back to the beach again if you don’t—Oh, yeah? Don’t—ugh. You think that’s funny, do you? Hah! Who’s laughing now, huh?”

He had the giggling toddler by the ankle when I reached them. She had a bucket in one hand, and her jeans were drenched. He had a huge wet mart down the front of his t-shirt.

“Five bucks on the baby girl,” I said.

“Hey, Jake.”

Claire squealed and threw her bucket at Quil’s knees. “Down, down!”

He set her carefully on her feet and she ran to me. She wrapped her arms around my leg.

“Uncle Jay!”

“How’s it going, Claire?”

She giggled. “Quil _aaaaall_ wet now.”

“I can see that. Where’s your mama?”

“Gone, gone, gone,” Claire sang, “Gonna play with Quil all day. Never gonna go home!” She let go of me and ran to Quil. He scooped her up and slung her onto his shoulders.

“Sounds like somebody’s hit the terrible twos.”

_“_ Threes actually,” Quil corrected. “You missed the party. Princess theme. She made me wear a crown, and then Elise and Emily suggested they all try out her new play makeup on me.”

“Wow, I’m _really_ sorry I wasn’t around to see that.”

“Don’t worry, Emily has pictures. Actually, I look pretty hot.”

“You’re such an idiot.”

Quil shrugged. “Claire had a great time. That was the point.”

I rolled my eyes. It was hard being around such happy people. No matter what stage they were in—about to tie the knot like Sam or just teen-werewolf-turned-future-stepdad like Quil—the peace and contentedness they always radiated was downright puke-inducing.

Claire squealed on his shoulders and pointed at the ground. “Pretty rock, Quil! For me, for me!”

“Which one kiddo? The red one?”

“No red!”

Quil dropped to his knees—Claire screamed and pulled his hair like a horse’s reigns.

“This blue one?”

“No, no, no….,” the little girl sang, thrilled with her new game.

The weird part was, Quil was having just as much fun as she was. He didn’t have that face on that so many of the tourist dads and moms were wearing—the when-is-nap-time? Face. You never saw a real parent so jazzed to play whatever stupid kiddie sport their rugrat could think up. I’d seen Quil play peekaboo for an hour straight without getting bored.

And I couldn’t even make fun of him for it—I envied him too much.

Emily’s sister, Elise, had moved to La Push from the Makah reservation to stay with her older sister pretty recently. Elise had gotten pregnant by her high school boyfriend and he immediately skipped out on her, so Emily took her in. Elise had Claire, and everyone sort of pitched in to help raise her since Elise was so young. She and Quil are about the same age so they got along pretty well. One thing led to another, and, well, here we are.

I didn’t envy the idea of being a teenage werewolf dad, but Quil couldn’t have been happier. He had Elise and they had Claire. One big happy family before high school graduation, I guess.

“Quil, you ever think maybe it’s all too much?”

“Huh?”

“No, no yellow!” Claire crowed.

“You know. I mean, Elise is cool, but a kid? Already? Don’t you ever want to just… not have that responsibility? Try dating someone else?”

Quil just stared at me.

“Pretty rock! Pretty rock!” Claire screamed when he didn’t offer her another choice. She smacked him on the head with her little fist.

“Sorry, Claire-bear. How about this purple one?”

“No,” she giggled. “No purple.”

“Give me a clue. I’m begging, kid.”

Claire thought it over. “Green,” she finally said.

Quil stared at the rocks, studying them. He picked four rocks in different shades of green and offered them to her.

“Did I get it?”

“Yay!”

“Which one?”

“All of them!”

She cupped her hands and he poured the small rocks into them. She laughed and immediately clunked him on the head with them. He winced theatrically and then got to his feet and started walking back up toward the parking lot. Probably worried about her getting cold in her wet clothes. He was worse than any paranoid, overprotective parent.

“Sorry if I was being a jerk, man, about the whole dating thing,” I said.

“Naw, that’s cool,” Quil said. “I get what you mean. Who would have guessed I’d be the one to be a dad so soon, right?”

“Not me, that’s for sure.”

“I don’t know what to tell you, Jake.” He shrugged. “Me and Elise, we just _clicked_. You know? And Claire is great. I’m happy, man. I don’t even notice any other girls anymore, you know. I don’t see their faces.”

“If you say so,” I sighed. “Though, put that together with the tiara and the makeup, and maybe Elise will have a different kind of competition to worry about.”

Quil laughed and made kissing noises at me. “You available this Friday, Jacob?”

“You wish,” I said, and then I made a face. “Yeah, guess I am, though.”

He hesitated a second then said, “You ever think about… moving on? Dating?”

I sighed. I guess I’d opened myself up for that one.

“You know, Jake, maybe you should think about getting a life.”

He didn’t say it like a joke. His voice was sympathetic. That made it worse.

“I don’t see anyone else, either, Quil. I don’t see their faces.”

Quil sighed, too. “At some point, man, you just gotta grow up a little and embrace the life you’ve got.”

I stared at him, annoyed. That was the last thing I wanted. This life sucked. I’d trade it for just about anything.

He continued, “Because, and I might be wrong, but I think there’s happiness waiting right under your nose. You just gotta see it, you know?”

I shrugged, and turned away. He sighed again.

Far away, too low for anyone but just us two to hear it over the waves, a howl rose out of the forest.

“Dang, that’s Sam,” Quil said. His hands flew up to touch Claire, as if to make sure she was still there. “I don’t know where Elise’s at!”

“I’ll see what it is. If we need you, I’ll let you know.” I raced through the words. They came out all slurred together. “Hey, why don’t you take Claire up to the Clearwaters’? Sue and Billy can keep an eye on her if they need to. They might know what’s going on, anyway.”

“Okay—get outta here, Jake!”

I took off running, not for the dirt path through the weedy hedge, but in the shortest line toward the forest. I hurdled the first line of driftwood and then ripped my way through the briars, still running. I felt the little tears as the thorns cut into my skin, but I ignored them. Their sting would be healed before I made the trees.

I cut behind the store and darted across the highway. Somebody honked at me. Once in the safety of the trees, I ran faster, taking longer strides. People would stare if I was out in the open. Normal people couldn’t run like this. Sometimes I thought it might be fun to enter a race—you know, like the Olympic trials or something. It would be cool to watch the expressions on those star athletes’ faces when I blew by them. Only I was pretty sure the testing they did to make sure you weren’t on steroids would probably turn up some really freaky crap in my blood.

As soon as I was in the true forest, unbound by roads or houses, I skidded to a stop and kicked my shorts off. With quick, practiced moves, I rolled them up and tied them to the leather cord around my ankle. As I was still pulling the ends tight, I started shifting. The fire trembled down my spine, throwing tight spasms out along my arms and legs. It only took a second. The heat flooded through me, and I felt the silent shimmer that made me something else. I threw my heavy paws against the matted earth and stretched my back in one long, rolling extension.

Phasing was very easy when I was centered like this. I didn’t have issues with my temper anymore. Except when it got in the way.

For one half second, I again remembered the awful moment at the wedding. I’d been so insane with fury that I couldn’t make my body work right. I’d been trapped, shaking and burning, unable to make the change but unable to calm down. It had been so confusing. Dying to kill him. Afraid to hurt Beau. My friends in the way. And then, when I was finally able to shift, the order from my leader. The edict from the Alpha. If it had been just Embry and Quil there that night without Sam... would I have attacked that bloodsucker then and there?

I hated it when Sam laid down the law like that. I hated the feeling of having no choice. Of having to obey.

And then I was conscious of an audience. I was not alone in my thoughts.

_So self-abosrbed all the time_ , Liam thought.

_Yeah, no hypocrisy there, Liam,_ I thought back.

_Can it, guys,_ Same told us.

We fell silent, and I felt Liam’s wince at Sam’s words. Touchy, like always.

Sam pretended no to notice. _Where’s Quil and Jared?_

_Quil’s got Claire. He’s taking her to the Clearwaters’._

_Good. Sue will take her._

_Jared was going to Kim’s,_ Embry thought _, Good chance he didn’t hear you._

There was a low grumble through the pack. I moaned along with them. When Jared finally showed up, no doubt he’d still be thinking about Kim. And nobody wanted a replay of what they were up to right now.

Sam sat back on his haunches and let another howl rip into the air. It was a signal and an order in one.

The pack was gathered a few miles east of where I was. I loped through the thick forest toward them. Liam, Embry, and Paul all were working in toward them, too. Liam was close—soon I could hear his footfalls not far into the woods. We continued in a parallel line, choosing not to run together.

_Well, we’re not waiting all day for him. He’ll just have to catch up later._

_’Sup, boss?_ Paul wanted to know.

_We need to talk. Something’s happened._

I felt Sam’s thoughts flicker to me—and not just Sam’s, but Seth’s and Collin’s and Brady’s as well. Collin and Brady—the new kids—had been running patrol with Sam today, so they would know whatever he knew. I didn’t know why Seth was already out here, and in the know. It wasn’t his turn.

_Seth, tell them what you heard._

I sped up, wanting to be there. I heard Liam move faster, too. He hated being outrun. Being the fastest was the only edge he claimed.

_Claim_ this _, moron,_ he hissed, and then he really kicked it into gear. I dug my nails into the loam and shot myself forward.

Sam didn’t seem in the mood to put up with our usual crap. _Jake, Liam, give it a rest._

Neither of us slowed.

Sam growled, but let it go. _Seth?_

_Charlie called around till he found Billy at my house._

_Yeah, I talked to him,_ Paul added.

I felt a jolt go through me as Seth thought Charlie’s name. This was it. The waiting was over. I ran faster, forcing myself to breathe, though my lungs felt kinda stiff all of a sudden.

Which story would it be?

_So he’s all flipped out. Guess Edward and Beau got home last week, and..._

My chest eased up.

Beau was alive. Or he wasn’t _dead_ dead, at least.

I hadn’t realized how much difference it would make to me. I’d been thinking of him as dead this whole time, and I only saw that now. I saw that I’d never believed that he would bring Beau back alive. It shouldn’t matter, because I knew what was coming next.

_Yeah, bro, and here’s the bad news. Charlie talked to Beau, said he sounded bad. he told Charlie’s he’s sick. Carlisle got on and told Charlie that Beau picked up some rare disease in South America. Said he’s quarantined. Charlie’s going crazy, ’cause even he’s not allowed to see Beau. Charlie says he doesn’t care if he gets sick, but Carlisle wouldn’t bend. No visitors. Told Charlie it was pretty serious, but that he’s doing everything he can. Charlie’s been stewing about it for days, but he only called Billy now. He said Beau sounded worse today._

The mental silence when Seth finished was profound. We all understood.

So he would die of this disease, as far as Charlie knew. Would they let him view the corpse? The pale, perfectly still, unbreathing white body? They couldn’t let him touch the cold skin—he might notice how hard it was. They’d have to wait until Beau could hold still, could keep from killing Charlie and the other mourners. How long would that take?

Would they bury him? Would he dig himself out, or would the bloodsuckers come for him?

The others listened to my speculating in silence. I’d put a lot more thought into this than any of them.

Liam and I entered the clearing at nearly the same time. He was sure his nose led the way, though. He dropped onto his haunches beside his brother while I trotted forward to stand at Sam’s right hand. Paul circled and made room for me in my place.

_Beat’cha again,_ Liam thought, but I barely heard him.

I wondered why I was the only one on my feet. My fur stood up on my shoulders, bristling with impatience.

_Well, what are we waiting for?_ I asked.

No one said anything, but I heard their feelings of hesitation.

_Oh, come on! The treaty’s broken!_

_We have no proof—maybe he_ is _sick...._

_OH, PLEASE!_

_Okay, so the circumstantial evidence is pretty strong. Still... Jacob._ Sam’s thought came slow, hesitant. _Are you sure this is what you want? Is it really the right thing? We all know what he wanted._

_The treaty doesn’t mention anything about victim preferences, Sam!_

_Is he really a victim? Would you label him that way?_

_Yes! Besides, Beau wanted to stay human! He told me so!_

Sam considered this for a moment. _We can’t attack the Cullens without proof that the treaty has been violated. We don’t know if this illness is a ruse or not._

_It’s totally a lie!_

_Enough, Jacob!_ Sam snapped.

_Jake,_ Seth thought, _they aren’t our enemies._

_Shut up, kid! Just ’cause you’ve got some kind of sick hero worship thing going on with that bloodsucker, it doesn’t change the law. They are our enemies. They are in our territory. We take them out. I don’t care if you had fun fighting alongside Edward Cullen once upon a time._

_You’re upset, man. You’re not thinking clearly and you’re going to do something stupid._

_I’m not going to do anything stupid, Seth._

_Sure you won’t. You’re not ready for this fight, Jacob._

Instinct took over and I crouched forward, snarling at the gangly sand-colored wolf across the circle.

_Jacob!_ Sam cautioned. _Seth, shut up for a second._ Seth nodded his big head.

_Dang, what’d I miss?_ Quil thought. He was running for the gathering place full-out. _Heard about Charlie’s call...._

_We’re getting ready to go,_ I told him. _Why don’t you swing by Kim’s and drag Jared out with your teeth? We’re going to need everyone._

_Come straight here, Quil,_ Sam ordered. _We’ve decided nothing yet._

I growled.

_We need to find out if the treaty has been broken before we make any decision. I have to think about what’s best for this pack. I have to choose the course that protects you all best._

_This is B.S., and you know it._ I growled.

_Enough, Jacob. You’re overruled._ Sam’s mental voice changed, took on that strange double timbre that we could not disobey. The voice of the Alpha. He met the gaze of every wolf in the circle.

_The pack is not attacking the Cullens without provocation. We will determine if the treaty has been broken—well and truly violated—before we attack our former allies._

_Hear, hear,_ Seth thought enthusiastically.

_I thought I told you to shut it, Seth._

_Oops. Sorry, Sam._

_Jacob, where do you think you’re going?_

I left the circle, moving toward the west so that I could turn my back on him. _I’m going to find out what we already know—that they’re going to turn Beau into one of them. I’m going to get this damn fight started._

_Aw, Jake—Come on!_

_Shut up, Seth,_ several voices thought together.

_Jacob, we understand this is difficult for you, we don’t want this to be any more difficult than it already is,_ Sam told me, his thought softer than before.

_So force me to stay, Sam. Take away my will. Make me a slave._

_You know I won’t do that._

_Then I’m going._

_Fine, Jacob. But if you find out Beau is still human, once you determine that the treaty hasn’t been broken, you come straight back._

_No, after I find out I’m leaving again_.

I ran away from them, trying very hard not to think about what was next. Instead, I concentrated on my memories of the long wolf months, of letting the humanity bleed out of me until I was more animal than man. Living in the moment, eating when hungry, sleeping when tired, drinking when thirsty, and running—running just to run. Simple desires, simple answers to those desires. Pain came in easily managed forms. The pain of hunger. The pain of cold ice under your paws. The pain of cutting claws when dinner got feisty. Each pain had a simple answer, a clear action to end that pain.

Not like being human.

Yet, as soon as I was in jogging distance of my house, I shifted back into my human body. I needed to be able to think in privacy.

I untied my shorts and yanked them on, already running for the house.

I’d done it. I’d hidden what I was thinking and now it was too late for Sam to stop me. He couldn’t hear me now.

Sam had made a very clear ruling. We would determine if the treaty had been broken. The pack would not attack the Cullens. Okay.

He hadn’t mentioned an individual acting alone.

Nope, the pack wasn’t attacking anyone today.

But I was.


	9. Sure As Hell Didn't See That One Coming

I didn’t really know what my plan was.

I needed to be careful, avoid tipping Billy off, otherwise he’d call Sam and the game would be up. They’d cut me off and push me back. Probably try to make me angry, or even hurt me—somehow force me to phase so that Sam could lay down a new law.

But Billy was expecting me, knowing I’d be in some kind of state. He was in the yard, just sitting there in his wheelchair with his eyes right on the spot where I came through the trees. I saw him judge my direction—headed straight past the house to my homemade garage.

“Got a minute, Jake?”

I skidded to a stop. I looked at him and then toward the garage.

“C’mon kid. At least help me inside.”

I gritted my teeth but decided that he’d be more likely to cause trouble with Sam if I didn’t lie to him for a few minutes.

“Since when do you need help, old man?”

He laughed his rumbling laugh. “My arms are tired. I pushed myself all the way here from Sue’s.”

“It’s downhill. You coasted the whole way.”

I rolled his chair up the little ramp I’d made for him and into the living room.

“Caught me. Think I got up to about thirty miles per hour. It was great.”

“You’re gonna wreck that chair, you know. And then you’ll be dragging yourself around by your elbows.”

“Not a chance. It’ll be your job to carry me.”

“You won’t be going many places.”

Billy put his hands on the wheels and steered himself to the fridge. “Any food left?”

“You got me. Paul was here all day, though, so probably not.”

Billy sighed. “Have to start hiding the groceries if we’re gonna avoid starvation.”

“Tell Rachel to go stay at his place.”

Billy’s joking tone vanished, and his eyes got soft. “We’ve only had her home a few weeks. First time she’s been here in a long time. It’s hard—the girls were older than you when your mom passed. They have more trouble being in this house.”

“I know.”

Rebecca hadn’t been home once since she got married, though she did have a good excuse. Plane tickets from Hawaii were pretty pricey. Washington State was close enough that Rachel didn’t have the same defense. She’d taken classes straight through the summer semesters, working double shifts over the holidays at some café on campus. If it hadn’t been for Paul, she probably would have taken off again real quick. Maybe that was why Billy wouldn’t kick him out.

“Well, I’m going to go work on some stuff…” I started for the back door.

“Wait up, Jake. Aren’t you going to tell me what happened? Do I have to call Sam for an update?”

I stood with my back to him, hiding my face.

“Nothing happened. Sam doesn’t want to do anything till we know for sure the treaty’s been broken. Guess we’re all just a bunch of leech lovers now.”

“Jake…”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Are you leaving, son?”

The room was quiet for a long time while I decided how to say it.

“Rachel can have her room back. I know she hates that air mattress.”

“She’d rather sleep on the floor than lose you. So would I.”

I snorted.

“Jacob, please. If you need... a break. Well, take it. But not so long again. Come back.”

“Maybe. Maybe my gig will be weddings. Make a cameo at Sam’s, then Rachel’s. Jared and Kim might come first, though. Probably ought to have a suit or something.”

“Jake, look at me.”

I turned around slowly. “What?”

He stared into my eyes for a long minute. “Where are you going?”

“I don’t really have a specific place in mind.”

He cocked his head to the side, and his eyes narrowed. “Don’t you?”

We stared each other down. The seconds ticked by.

“Jacob,” he said. His voice was strained. “Jacob, don’t. It’s not worth it.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Leave Beau and the Cullens be. Sam is right.”

I stared at him for a second, and then I crossed the room in two long strides. I grabbed the phone and disconnected the cable from the box and the jack. I wadded the gray cord up in the palm of my hand.

“Bye, Dad.”

“Jake, wait—,” he called after me, but I was out the door, running.

The motorcycle wasn’t as fast as running, but it was more discreet. I wondered how long it would take Billy to wheel himself down to the store and then get someone on the phone who could get a message to Sam. I’d bet Sam was still in his wolf form. The problem would be if Paul came back to our place anytime soon. He could phase in a second and let Sam know what I was doing...

I wasn’t going to worry about it. I would go as fast as I could, and if they caught me, I’d deal with that when I had to.

I kicked the bike to life and then I was racing down the muddy lane. I didn’t look behind me as I passed the house.

The highway was busy with tourist traffic; I wove in and out of the cars, earning a bunch of honks and a few fingers. I took the turn onto the 101 at seventy, not bothering to look. I had to ride the line for a minute to avoid getting smeared by a minivan. Not that it would have killed me, but it would have slowed me down. Broken bones—the big ones, at least—took _days_ to heal completely, as I had good cause to know.

The freeway cleared up a little, and I pushed the bike to eighty. I didn’t touch the brake until I was close to the narrow drive; I figured I was in the clear then. Sam wouldn’t come this far to stop me. It was too late.

It wasn’t until that moment—when I was sure that I’d made it—that I started to think about what exactly I was going to do now. I slowed down to twenty, taking the twists through the trees more carefully than I needed to.

I knew they would hear me coming, bike or no bike, so surprise was out. There was no way to disguise my intentions. Edward would hear my plan as soon as I was close enough. Maybe he already could. But I thought this would still work out, because I had his ego on my side. He’d _want_ to fight me alone.

So I’d just walk in, see Sam’s precious evidence for myself, and then challenge Edward to a duel.

I snorted. The parasite’d probably get a kick out of the theatrics of it.

When I finished with him, I’d take as many of the rest of them as I could before they got me. Huh—I wondered if Sam would consider my death enough. Probably say I got what I deserved. Wouldn’t want to offend his bloodsucker BFFs.

The drive opened up into the meadow, and the smell hit me like a rotten tomato to the face. Ugh. Reeking vampires. My stomach started churning. The stench would be hard to take this way—undiluted by the scent of humans as it had been the other time I’d come here—though not as bad as smelling it through my wolf nose.

I wasn’t sure what to expect, but there was no sign of life around the big white crypt. Of course they knew I was here.

I cut the engine and listened to the quiet. Now I could hear tense, angry murmurs from just the other side of the wide double doors. Someone was home. I heard my name and I smiled, happy to think I was causing them a little stress.

I took one big gulp of air—it would only be worse inside—and leaped up the porch stairs in one bound.

The door opened before my fist touched it, and the doctor stood in the frame, his eyes grave.

“Hello, Jacob,” he said, calmer than I would have expected. “How are you?”

I took a deep breath through my mouth. The reek pouring through the door was overpowering.

I was disappointed that it was Carlisle who answered. I’d rather Edward had come through the door, fangs out. Carlisle was so... just _human_ or something. Maybe it was the house calls he made last spring when I got busted up. But it made me uncomfortable to look into his face and know that I was planning to kill him if I could.

“I heard Beau made it back alive,” I said.

“Er, Jacob, it’s not really the best time.” The doctor seemed uncomfortable, too, but not in the way I expected. “Could we do this later?”

I stared at him, dumbfounded. Was he asking to post-pone the death match for a more convenient time?

And then I heard Beau’s voice, cracked and rough, and I couldn’t think about anything else.

“Why not?” he asked someone. “Are we keeping secrets from Jacob, too? What’s the point?”

His voice was not what I was expecting. I tried to remember the voices of the young vampires we’d fought in the spring, but all I’d registered was snarling. Maybe those newborns hadn’t had the piercing, ringing sound of the older ones, either. Maybe all new vampires sounded hoarse.

“Come in, please, Jacob,” Beau croaked more loudly.

Carlisle’s eyes tightened.

I wondered if Beau was thirsty. My eyes narrowed, too.

“Excuse me,” I said to the doctor as I stepped around him. It was hard—it went against all my instincts to turn my back to one of them. Not impossible, though. If there was such a thing as a safe vampire, it was the strangely gentle leader.

I would stay away from Carlisle when the fight started. There were enough of them to kill without including him.

I sidestepped into the house, keeping my back to the wall. My eyes swept the room—it was unfamiliar. The last time I’d been in here it had been all done up for a party. Everything was bright and pale now. Including the six vampires standing in a group by the white sofa.

They were all here, all together, but that was not what froze me where I stood and had my jaw dropping to the floor.

It was Edward. It was the expression on his face.

I’d seen him angry, and I’d seen him arrogant, and once I’d seen him in pain. But this— this was beyond agony. His eyes were half-crazed. He didn’t look up to glare at me. He stared down at the couch beside him with an expression like someone had lit him on fire. His hands were rigid claws at his side.

I couldn’t even enjoy his anguish. I could only think of one thing that would make him look like that, and my eyes followed his.

I saw him at the same moment that I caught his scent. His warm, human scent.

Beau was half-hidden behind the arm of the sofa, curled up in a loose fetal position, his arms wrapped around his knees. For a long second I could see nothing except that he was still the Beau that I loved, his skin still a soft, pale peach, his eyes still the same silvery grey. My heart thudded a strange, broken meter, and I wondered if this was just some lying dream that I was about to wake up from.

Then I really saw him.

There were deep circles under his eyes, dark circles that jumped out because his face was all haggard. Was he thinner? His skin seemed tight—like his cheekbones might break right through it. Most of his long, dark hair was pulled away from his face into a messy knot, but a few strands stuck limply to his forehead and neck, to the sheen of sweat that covered his skin. There was something about his fingers and wrists that looked so fragile it was scary.

He _was_ sick. Very sick.

Not a lie. The story Charlie’d told Billy was not a story. While I stared, eyes bugging, his body convulsed and he started coughing.

The blond bloodsucker—the showy one, Royal—bent over Beau, cutting into my view, hovering in a strange, protective way.

This was wrong. I knew how Beau felt about almost everything—his thoughts were so obvious; sometimes it was like they were printed on his forehead. So he didn’t have to tell me every detail of a situation for me to get it. I knew that Beau didn’t like Royal. I’d seen it in the set of his lips when he talked about the blond. Not just that he didn’t like him. He was _afraid_ of Royal. Or he had been.

There was no fear as Beau glanced up at Royal now. Beau’s expression was... apologetic or something. Then Royal snatched a towel from the nearby table and held it up to Beau’s face as he coughed violently into it.

Edward fell to his knees by Beau’s side—his eyes all tortured-looking—and Royal held out his hand, warning Edward to keep back.

None of it made sense.

When he could raise his head, Beau smiled weakly at me, sort of embarrassed. “Sorry about that,” he whispered to me.

Edward moaned real quiet. His head slumped against Beau’s knees. Beau put one of his hands against Edward’s cheek. Like he was comforting _him_.

I didn’t realize my legs had carried me forward until Royal hissed at me, suddenly appearing between me and the couch. He was like a person on a TV screen. I didn’t care he was there. He didn’t seem real.

“Roy, don’t,” Beau whispered. “It’s fine.”

Blondie moved out of my way, though I could tell he hated to do it. Scowling at me, he crouched by Beau’s head, tensed to spring. He was easier to ignore than I ever would have dreamed.

“Beau, what’s wrong?” I whispered. Without thinking about it, I found myself on my knees, too, leaning over the back of the couch across from his... husband. Edward didn’t seem to notice me, and I barely glanced at him. I reached out for Beau’s free hand, taking it in both of mine. His skin was icy cold. “Are you all right?”

It was a stupid question. He didn’t answer it.

“I’m so glad you came to see me today, Jacob,” he said.

Even though I knew Edward couldn’t hear Beau’s thoughts, he seemed to hear some meaning I didn’t. He moaned again, into the blanket that covered Beau, and Beau stroked his cheek.

“What is it, Beau?” I insisted, wrapping my hands tight around his icy, fragile fingers.

He didn’t answer me right away, he glanced around the room. Six pairs of anxious yellow eyes stared back at him. Finally, he turned to Royal.

“Help me up, Roy?” he asked.

Royal’s lips pulled back over his teeth, and he glared up at me like he wanted to rip my throat out. I was sure that was exactly the case.

“Please, Roy.”

The blond made a face, but leaned over Beau again, next to Edward, who didn’t move an inch. He put his arm carefully behind Beau’s shoulders.

“No,” I whispered. “Don’t get up…” He looked so weak.

“Oh, stop fussing,” He coughed, rolling his eyes, sounding a little bit more like his usual self. “I want to give you a hug.”

Royal pulled Beau off the couch. Edward stayed where he was, sagging forward till his face was buried in the cushions. The blanket fell to the ground at Beau’s feet.

He _was_ thinner. His clothes hung off his body, like he had been wasting away in the short month since I’d seen him last. He staggered forward, weakly holding his arms out to me. I stood up and caught him, and wrapped my arms around him as gently as I could. I felt like I would snap him in half if I wasn’t careful. His body felt small and cold in my arms.

“Jake,” He sighed. “I’m obviously not doing so great.” He tried to laugh, but he started coughing.

The blond jerked forward, hand outstretched.

“It’s fine, Roy,” Beau held back the coughs. “It’s—shoot, sorry Jake.”

I glanced down. I felt a chill run down my spine. There was blood on my chest where his head had been resting.

“Beau, babe,” I choked out the words. “What’s going on? How—why—”

“We don’t know, Jake,” He sighed. “It’s bad, though. We’re trying to fix it.”

I didn’t know what to think. If he was doing this badly, and if they were still _trying_ to fix it, well, that had to mean that they weren’t making good progress. Beau was dying, the longer I was here, the more I could smell it—the sickness—rooted deep inside of him, killing him, destroying him.

Some rare, obviously fatal disease picked up from the other side of the world. All because the bloodsucker had to take Beau away with him. Take him away, but not do a good enough job protecting him.

I always knew the bloodsucker would be responsible for killing him.

Edward’s head snapped up as he heard the words inside mine. One second he was on his knees, and then he was on his feet, inches away from my face. His eyes were flat black, the circles under them dark purple.

“Outside, Jacob,” he snarled.

I let go of Beau and turned to face the leech. This was why I was here.

“Let’s do this,” I agreed.

The big one, Emmett, pushed forward on Edward’s other side, with the hungry-looking one, Jasper, right behind him. I really didn’t care. Maybe my pack would clean up the scraps when they finished me off. Maybe not. It didn’t matter.

For the tiniest part of a second my eyes touched on the two standing in the back. Esme. Alice. Small and gentle looking. Well, I was sure the others would kill me before I had to do anything about them. I didn’t want to kill girls… even vampire girls.

“No,” Beau gasped, coughing as he stumbled forward, weak and out of balance, to clutch at Edward’s arm. Royal moved with him, like there was a chain locking them to each other.

“I just need to talk to him, Beau,” Edward said in a low voice, talking only to him. He reached up to touch his face, to stroke it. This made the room turn read, made me see fire—that, after all the pain he’d put Beau through, after letting him get so sick, he was still allowed to touch him that way. “Don’t strain yourself,” he went on, pleading. “Please rest. We’ll both be back in just a few minutes.”

Beau stared at his face, reading it carefully. Then he nodded and drooped toward the couch. Royal helped lower him back onto the cushions. Beau stared at me, trying to hold my eyes.

“Behave, Jake,” he insisted. “And then come back.”

I didn’t answer. I wasn’t making any promises today. I looked away and then followed Edward out the front door.

A random, disjointed voice in my head noted that separating him from the coven hadn’t been so difficult, had it?

He kept walking, never checking to see if I was about to spring at his unprotected back. I supposed he didn’t need to check. He would know when I decided to attack. Which meant I’d have to make that decision very quickly.

“I’m not ready for you to kill me yet, Jacob Black,” he whispered as he paced quickly away from the house. “You’ll have to have a little patience.”

Like I cared about his schedule. I growled under my breath. “Patience isn’t my specialty.”

He kept walking, maybe a couple hundred yards down the drive away from the house, with me right on his heels. I was all hot, my fingers trembling. On the edge, ready and waiting.

He stopped without warning and pivoted to face me. His expression froze me again.

For a second I was just a kid—a kid who had lived all of his life in the same tiny town. Just a child. Because I knew I would have to live a lot more, suffer a lot more, to ever understand the searing agony in Edward’s eyes.

He raised a hand as if to wipe sweat from his forehead, but his fingers scraped against his face like they were going to rip his granite skin right off. His black eyes burned in their sockets, out of focus, or seeing things that weren’t there. His mouth opened like he was going to scream, but nothing came out.

This was the face a man would have if he were burning at the stake.

For a moment I couldn’t speak. It was too real, this face—I’d seen a shadow of it in the house, seen it in Beau’s eyes and his, but this made it final. The last nail in Beau’s coffin.

“This… disease, it’s killing him right? He’s dying.” And I knew when I said it that my face was a watered-down echo of his. Weaker, different, because I was still in shock. I hadn’t wrapped my head around it yet—it was happening too fast. He’d had time to get to this point. And it was different because I’d already lost him so many times, so many ways, in my head. And different because he was never really mine to lose.

And different because this wasn’t my fault.

“My fault,” Edward whispered, and his knees gave out. He crumpled in front of me, vulnerable, the easiest target you could imagine.

But I felt cold as snow—there was no fire in me.

“Yes,” he groaned into the dirt, like he was confessing to the ground. “Yes, it’s killing him.”

His broken helplessness irritated me. I wanted a fight, not an execution. Where was his smug superiority now?

“So why hasn’t Carlisle done anything?” I growled. “He’s a doctor, right? Give him medicine, fix it.”

He looked up then and answered me in a broken voice. “Nothing is working.”

“What do you mean?”

“We weren’t lying to Charlie,” he whispered. “This sickness… it’s unpredictable, violent. One moment, Carlisle thought Malaria, then a strain of Dengue Fever. But just when he thinks he knows what it is—how to fight it—it shifts, and it gets worse. Beau is dying. His body is giving out on him. He’s burning up one moment, then freezing the next. He can’t keep food down, he’s coughing up blood. Every joint in his body hurts…” He pulled his fingers through his hair. “We can’t save him, not with any medicine we have here.”

“So take him to a hospital!” I snapped.

He shook his head slowly. “If we take him to a hospital…” He closed his eyes and sighed. “You have to know what our contingency is. If Beau is taken to a hospital, with this disease—it’s nothing seen here before. He’d be immediately quarantined, locked up in a lab somewhere while they watch him waste away so they can learn more about this mysterious new illness. I wouldn’t be able to save him through…”

He didn’t have to say it, I knew what he meant. I shuddered.

“I’m honestly surprised you haven’t already changed him, I mean, since you’ve already put him through so much hell.” I sneered.

His eyes met mine again. “He won’t let us.”

It took a minute for the words to sink in. Beau was dying of some insane disease, and the Cullens had their damned _miracle_ cure, and he wouldn’t let them… It was so stubborn, so human… so _Beau_.

“You know him well,” he whispered. “How quickly you see… I didn’t see. Not in time. He wouldn’t talk to me on the way home, not really. I thought he was frightened—that would be natural. I thought he was angry with me for putting him through this, for endangering his life. Again. I never imagined what he was really thinking, what he was _resolving_. Not until my family met us at the airport and he stumbled right into Royal’s arms. Royal’s! And then I heard what Royal was thinking. I didn’t understand until I heard that. Yet _you_ understand after one second…” He half-sighed, half-groaned.

“Just back up a second. He won’t _let_ you.” The words were acid on my tongue. “So you _were_ going to change him?”

“I wanted to,” he whispered. “Carlisle would have…”

So eager to make another reeking bloodsucker.

“No. Not at all. We knew early on; this sickness would kill him. Alice saw it. Changing him was the last thing I wanted to do. But it was the surest way to save him. I was ready to do it, but his bodyguard complicated things.”

Oh. His story hadn’t made much sense before, but it fit together now. So that’s what Blondie was up to. What was in it for him, though? Did the prom king want Beau to die so bad?

“Hardly,” he said. “Royal understands better than the rest of us how precious humanity is.”

Huh. Well, I guess I couldn’t hate the blond bloodsucker that much. He was keeping Beau human, at least.

“Yes, and ruined our chances of saving him,” Edward groaned. “I know Beau would never had forgiven me, I know it’s selfish, but I couldn’t watch him die. I told myself changing him was the right thing—I was only trying to save him. But now…” He shook his head, defeated. “The disease attacked his cardiovascular system.”

I raised an eyebrow, confused.

“His heart,” he snapped, “Beau’s heart. It’s weak. Too weak. He’d never survive the transformation process. His heart would give out and he would die.”

I took all this in for a second. Processed it. My anger was slowly being pushed out of the way for another emotion; despair. Beau was dying. There was no stopping it. Medicine couldn’t fix it, and now he couldn’t be changed. I was going to lose him.

“Congratulations, bloodsucker. I hope you’re happy with yourself.”

He stared up at me with a face that looked a thousand years old.

“Even you, Jacob Black, cannot hate me as much as I hate myself.”

 _Wrong_ , I thought, too enraged to speak.

“Killing me now doesn’t save him,” he said quietly.

“So what does?”

“Jacob, you have to do something for me.”

“The _hell_ I do, parasite!”

He kept staring at me with those half-tired, half-crazy eyes. “For him?”

I clenched my teeth together hard. “I did everything I could to keep him away from you. Every single thing. You should have left him with me. Now it’s too late.”

He stared up at me from inside his own personal hell, and I could see that he agreed with me.

“You know him, Jacob. You connect with him on a level that I don’t even understand. You are part of him, and he is part of you. He won’t listen to me, because he thinks I’m just punishing myself. He won’t let me say anything…” He chocked and then swallowed. “He might listen to you.”

“Why would he?”

He lurched to his feet, his eyes burning brighter than before, wilder. I wondered if he was really going crazy. Could vampires lose their minds?

“Maybe,” he answered my thought. “I don’t know. It feels like it.” He shook his head. “I have to try and hide this in front of him, because stress makes him more ill. He can’t keep anything down as it is. I have to be composed; I can’t make it harder. But that doesn’t matter now. He has to listen to you!”

“I’m not going to march in there and convince him to hold on long enough for you to change him, bloodsucker!” I snarled. “You _must_ be crazy if you think I’d do that.”

“I’m not asking that,” he whispered. “Carlisle thinks there’s a chance—a small chance—Beau _can_ survive this. It won’t be easy, but it is possible if we do everything we possibly can.” He shook his head. “I don’t care about anything but keeping him alive,” he said, suddenly focused now. “If he can survive this, I want him to have a long human life. I want him to be happy. I understand now, that I can’t be a part of that happiness. We always end up here. Beau clinging to life, in mortal danger, and it _is_ my fault.” He paused and let out a slow, ragged sigh “I already knew I would do anything to keep him from dying but seeing him like this—knowing I would go so far as to take away his choice and—and _change_ him…” he choked on the words. “I need you to convince Beau that he belongs with you.”

He met my stare for a moment and his face was frenzied under the thin layer of control. My hard scowl crumbled as I processed his words, and I felt my mouth pop open in shock.

“Convince Beau that if he survives this, he needs to go with you. That he needs to stay here in Forks and live a long, happy life with you, Charlie, his human friends. I _am_ a monster, Jacob Black. Don’t think I’ve ever for a moment thought otherwise. But I’m not a monster for the reasons you believe. I’m a monster because I would destroy his humanity just to keep myself from losing him. I am a monster because I am so selfish that I would end his mortal life to keep away the pain of his death.”

The noise coming from my throat sounded like I was choking.

Was he serious? After everything that had happened—everything I had tried to do—did he really think I could convince Beau to choose me? To love me?

“He does love you.”

“Not enough.”

“Maybe he does.”

“You really have lost your mind,” I mumbled.

“Please, Jacob.” His eyes were focused on me like lasers. “I know, I know it’s going to take a lot of convincing. That’s why I need you. You know how he thinks. Make him see sense.”

I couldn’t think about what he was asking. It was too much. Impossible. Rushing into that stinking house, getting down on one knee, and pleading Beau to leave his husband and run away with me? So messed up.

So tempting.

I didn’t want to consider, didn’t want to imagine, but the images came anyway. I’d dreamed about Beau loving me like that too many times, back when there was still a possibility of _us_ , and then long after it was clear that the dreams would only leave festering sores because there was no possibility, none at all. I hadn’t been able to help myself then. I couldn’t stop myself now. Beau in _my_ arms, Beau sighing _my_ name.

I tried to put the idea out of my head. “Make _Beau_ see sense? What universe do you live in?”

“At least try.”

I shook my head fast. He waited, ignoring the negative answer because he could hear the conflict in my thoughts.

“Where is this psycho crap coming from? Are you making this up as you go?”

“I can’t be allowed to love him anymore. Not when I’m willing to go to such extremes. I’ve lost the right to call Beau mine. He wants to stay human. I want him to stay human. If he survives this, I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough to keep myself from changing him if anything like this happens again. I don’t think I trust myself.”

“You’re one hell of a mess.”

“Help me,” he whispered. “Help me keep him human and happy.”

“He’ll never do it.” I growled. “He won’t choose me. He’s made that pretty clear.”

“Try. There’s nothing to lose now. How will it hurt?”

It would hurt me. Hadn’t I taken enough rejection from Beau without this?

“A little pain to save him? Is it such a high cost?”

“But it won’t work.”

“But it might. After everything, you don’t think I’m so egotistical that I can’t see how much he does love you?”

I hadn’t expected that. I didn’t have a comeback.

“Talk to him. Convince him. If he chooses you, I won’t fight.”

I couldn’t believe I was thinking about this. I shouldn’t let him talk to me, mess with my head. I should just kill him now.

“Not now,” he whispered. “Not yet. Right or wrong, it would destroy him, and you know it. No need to be hasty. If he doesn’t survive… The moment Beau’s heart stops beating, you’ll get your chance. I will be begging for you to kill me.”

“You won’t have to beg long.”

The hint of a worn smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. “I’m very much counting on that.”

“Then we have a deal.”

He nodded and held out his cold stone hand.

Swallowing my disgust, I reached out to take his hand. My fingers closed around the rock, and I shook it once.

“We have a deal,” he agreed.


	10. Why Didn't I Just Walk Away? Oh Right, Because I'm An Idiot.

I felt like—like I don’t know what. Like this wasn’t real. Like I was in some Goth version of a bad sitcom. Instead of being the A/V dweeb about to ask the head cheerleader to the prom, I was the finished-second-place werewolf about to ask the vampire’s husband to run away with me. Nice.

No, I couldn’t do it. It was wrong. I’d put myself through enough of it, and I’d put Beau through enough of it. I wasn’t going to put either of us through it again.

But I would talk to him. I had to talk to him.

After all, I might not get another chance to.

Edward didn’t answer or comment on my thoughts as he led the way back to the house. I wondered about the place that he’d chosen to stop. Was it far enough from the house that the others couldn’t hear his whispers? Was that the point?

Maybe. When we walked through the door, the other Cullens’ eyes were suspicious and confused. No one looked disgusted or outraged. So they must not have heard either favor Edward had asked me for.

I hesitated in the open doorway, not sure what to do now. It was better right there, with a little bit of breathable air blowing in from outside.

Edward walked into the middle of the huddle, shoulders stiff. Beau watched him anxiously, and then his eyes flickered to me for a second. Then he was watching Edward again.

His face turned a grayish pale, and I could see what he meant about the stress making Beau feel worse.

“We’re going to let Jacob and Beau speak privately,” Edward said. There was no inflection at all in his voice. Robotic.

“Over my pile of ashes,” Royal hissed at him. He was still hovering by Beau’s head, one of his cold hands placed passively on Beau’s sallow cheek.

Edward didn’t look at him. “Beau,” he said in that same empty tone. “Jacob wants to talk to you. Are you afraid to be alone with him?”

Beau looked at me, confused. Then he looked at Royal.

“Roy, it’s fine. Jake’s not going to hurt me. Go with Edward.”

“It might be a trick,” the blond warned.

“Unless Jake has a syringe of venom in his pocket, I don’t see how,” Beau said.

“Carlisle and I will always be in your sight, Royal,” Edward said. The emotionless voice was cracking, showing the anger through it. “We’re the ones he’s afraid of.”

“No,” Beau whispered. His eyes fell, his face looked sad. “No, Edward. I’m not…”

He shook his head, smiling a little. The smile was painful to look at. “I didn’t mean it that way, Beau. I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.”

Sickening. He was right—Beau was beating himself up about hurting his feelings. He had no idea that his precious bloodsucker was so willing to change him against his will.

“Everyone,” Edward said, his hand stiffly motioning toward the door. “Please.”

The composure he was trying to keep up for Beau was shaky. I could see how close he was to that burning man he’d been outside. The others saw it, too. Silently, they moved out the door while I shifted out of the way. They moved fast; my heart beat twice, and the room was cleared except for Royal, hesitating in the middle of the floor, and Edward, still waiting by the door.

“Roy,” Beau said quietly. “I want you to go.”

The blonde glared at Edward and then gestured for him to go first. He disappeared out the door. Royal gave me a long warning glower, and then he disappeared, too.

Once we were alone, I crossed the room and sat on the floor next to Beau. I took both his cold hands in mine, rubbing them carefully.

“Thanks, Jake. That feels good.”

“I’m not going to lie, babe. You’re hideous.”

“I know,” he sighed. “I’m scary-looking.”

“Thing-from-the-swamp scary,” I agreed.

He laughed. “It’s really great having you here. It feels nice to smile. Everyone’s been so serious lately.”

I raised an eyebrow at him.

“Okay, okay,” he sighed. “They have a reason to be.”

“Yeah, they do. Why aren’t you taking this more seriously, babe?”

“People get sick, Jake. It’s a part of life.”

“Sick, sure, but…” I sighed. “Beau, do you not understand how bad this is?”

“I do,” he said quietly.

“So why aren’t you—I don’t know, scared? Angry?”

“I was before.” He said softly. “I was scared, then I was angry, now… I guess I’m just, letting it take its course.”

“So you’re giving up?”

“No, not at all.” He sighed. “I’m sure all of you think I have some sort of death wish but that’s not the case. I know—if I get better enough that my heart could take it—I could just let Edward change me. But, Jacob, I understand the cost of that decision. If I’m changed it will break the treaty and start a fight between your family and mine. People I love could be hurt—die! Just because I was too scared of dying myself.”

“So you’re going to be a martyr?” I rolled my eyes.

“Do you think I’ll be made a saint for it?” He smirked.

“Knock it off. It’s not funny, Beau.”

“I know.” He was quiet for a second. “Jacob, I’ve been selfish. I’ve made choices that have had consequences. But I’m not a child, I’m not making decisions a child would have to make. I need to think, act, and decide like an adult now. No, I don’t want to die. But I can’t let that fear or that want lead me to a decision that will have consequences I can’t handle. I’m not going to be responsible for a war. I’m not going to change and have to leave you, Charlie, my mom, and all my human life behind.”

“But, Beau—“

“I’m human. And I will face this as a human.” He said, his voice resolute. “In every human way…”

I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t used to Beau being like this. So… strong, so grown up. It was weird.

We sat in silence. He looked at my face for a long minute. “What did you and Edward talk about out there?”

I didn’t answer, I definitely wasn’t sure what to say to that.

“Obviously he wanted you to come talk to me about something.”

I hated when he was so spot on like that. “Yeah, he did.”

“What was it?”

“He wanted… He thought I could maybe convince you of something. _There’s_ a battle that’s lost before it starts.”

He laughed. “So why did you agree?”

I didn’t answer. I wasn’t sure I knew.

I did know this—every second I spent with him was only going to add to the pain I would have to suffer later. Like a junkie with a limited supply, the day of reckoning was coming for me. The more hits I took now, the harder it would be when my supply ran out.

“It’ll work out, you know,” he said after a quiet minute. “I believe that.”

That made me see red again. “Is dementia one of your symptoms?” I snapped.

He laughed, though my anger was so real that my hands were shaking around his.

“Maybe,” he said. “I’m not saying things will work out _easily_ , Jake. But how could I have lived through all that I’ve lived through and not believe in magic by this point?”

“ _Magic?_ ”

“Especially for you,” he said. He was smiling. He pulled one of his hands away from mine and pressed it against my cheek. Warmer than before, but it felt cool against my skin, like most things did. “More than anyone else, you’ve got some magic waiting to make things right for you.”

“What are you babbling about?”

He was still smiling, but it was sadder now. “I might not make it through this, Jake. I mean, I really hope I do. But,” he sighed, “I was glad you came today because I wanted a chance to tell you how much you mean to me, Jacob. I’m sorry everything turned out like it did. All the pain, the heartbreak… But, I do love you, Jake. You’re my best friend in the whole world, even if you’re not very happy with me right now. I hope, beyond anything, that you find someone who makes you happy because you deserve to be happy, Jake. You deserve to find someone who loves you.”

“Stop Beau,” the words came out strangled, “Stop it, you’re saying goodbye. Don’t say goodbye.”

“Jake…”

“No, Beau! What was the point of it? Of any of it? Of me loving you? Of you loving him? When you die”—my voice cracked on the word, despite my anger—“how is that ever right again? What’s the point of me finding someone else? Do you understand how much you mean to us? Not just me, or him, but to Charlie and Renée? How are we supposed to move on with our lives without you?”

His other hand flew to my face, he ran his frail fingers through my hair.

“What do you want me to do, Jacob?” He soothed. “I’m only human.”

“I… I… I don’t know, Beau, but you can’t die!”

“Jacob, I’ll fight as long as I can…”

“Listen to me, babe. You can’t die.” Like before, when the call from Charlie had come, I could see how much difference it really made to me. I realized I needed him to stay alive, in some form. In any form. I took a deep breath. “Live, Beau. Okay? Just live. Don’t do this to me. Don’t do it to him.” My voice got harder, louder. “You know what he’s going to do when you die. You’ve seen it before. You want him to go back to those Italian killers?”

He cringed for a moment. Then he relaxed and moved his hands back to my face.

“Jake…”

I felt a knot in my stomach forming, and a lump in my throat. This was getting harder every second. I couldn’t imagine a world he didn’t exist in. I swore to myself I wouldn’t do this, but I was out of time.

“Beau,” I said.

He heard the change in my voice. His eyes searched mine, confused.

“Beau, if you get better…”

“Yes?”

“Okay, just listen before you say anything. What if…”

“What if what?”

“What if you get better and… and… You… You and I…”

He watched me struggle around the words, his eyebrows furrowed, then they relaxed as he began to understand what I was saying. He smiled again but it was sad. “Jacob Black,” he sighed. “I love you, and I’m sorry.”

He leaned forward and kissed my forehead.

“Jacob, promise me you’ll try to be happy.” He sighed. “I don’t think you’ll ever know how sorry I am that I couldn’t make you happy, and that I caused you so much pain.”

“You didn’t always,” I mumbled. “Sometimes you made me happier than anyone in the world.”

He smiled, then he coughed once into his sleeve once, then a violent string of coughs left him shaking.

As I saw the blood staining his sleeve the reality of everything came crashing down all around me. Beau was sick, there wasn’t anything I could do to stop him from dying. Nothing _human_ could stop him from dying.

“Let them change you.”

His hands froze, his eyes widened, and his mouth hung open.

“What?”

“Let them change you, Beau.”

“Jake, what are you… You can’t be serious.”

“Beau, you know I wouldn’t say it if I wasn’t serious.”

He stared at me for a long minute. “I already told you, Jake. I can’t do that to Charlie, to my mom…” He sighed. “I can’t do that to _you_.”

“Beau, I’d rather see you as one of them than see you dead.”

“But…”

“No buts, Beau. If you’re not going to get better the human way…” I swallowed hard. “You need to do it their way.”

He was very still for a second. His expression gradually relaxed.

“I have to try to get better first. The _human_ way.” He said quietly, then he looked up at me. “If I have no other option…” He didn’t finish the thought. “I’ll think about it, Jake.”

I nodded once, stiffly. After another long moment, I got to my feet.

“Where are you going?”

“I… don’t know, Beau.”

He held out his thin hand, pleading. “Don’t go.”

I felt like I was being stabbed with knives. A thousand rusty, jagged knives.

“I have to get back.”

“Why did you come today?” he asked, still reaching limply.

“Just to see if you were still alive. I didn’t believe you were sick like Charlie said.”

I couldn’t tell from his face whether he bought that or not.

“Will you come back again? Before…”

“I can’t watch you die, Beau.”

He flinched. “You’re right, you’re right. I’m sorry.”

I headed for the door.

“Bye,” he whispered behind me. “Love you, Jake.”

I almost went back. I almost turned around and fell down on my knees and started crying. But I knew I had to leave. I had to get out before loving him killed me, like it was going to kill Edward.

“Sure, sure,” I mumbled on my way out.

I didn’t see the rest of the vampires. Only Edward. He was standing near my bike, like he was lost. He looked up at me as I approached.

I walked straight up to him and grabbed him by the shirt. “You keep him alive, you get him as healthy as you can, and if you have to…” I inhaled a deep breath, “change him.” I shoved Edward away from me and broke into a run towards the forest.

I ignored my bike, it wasn’t fast enough for me now. My dad would be freaked out—Sam, too. What would the pack make of the fact that they hadn’t heard me phase? Would they think the Cullens got me before I’d had the chance? I stripped down once I broke through the trees, not caring anymore. I blurred into wolf mid-stride.

They were waiting. Of course they were.

_Jacob, Jake,_ eight voices chorused in relief.

_Come home now_ , the Alpha voice ordered. Sam was furious.

I felt Paul fade out, and I knew Billy and Rachel were waiting to hear what had happened to me. Paul was too anxious to give them the good news that I wasn’t vampire chow to listen to the whole story.

I didn’t have to tell the pack I was on my way—they could see the forest blurring past me as I sprinted for home. I didn’t have to tell them that I was half-past crazy, either. The sickness in my head was obvious.

They saw everything—Beau’s frail body, the blood on his sleeve; his raspy voice: _What do you want me to do, Jacob? I’m only human_ ; the burning man in Edward’s face: _Beau is dying. His body is giving out on him_ ; and me, saying the unthinkable _: Let them change you_ —and for once, no one had anything to say.

Their shock was just a silent shout in my head. Wordless.

_!!!!_

I was halfway home before anyone recovered. Then they all started running to meet me.

It was almost dark—the clouds covered the sunset completely. I risked darting across the freeway and made it without being seen.

We met up about ten miles out of La Push, in a clearing left by the loggers. It was out of the way, wedged between two spurs of the mountain, where no one would see us. Paul found them when I did, so the pack was complete.

The babble in my head was total chaos. Everyone shouting at once.

Sam’s hackles were sticking straight up, and he was growling in an unbroken stream as he paced back and forth around the top of the ring. Paul and Jared moved like shadows behind him, their ears flat against the sides of their head. The whole circle was agitated, on their feet and snarling in low bursts.

At first their anger was undefined, and I thought I was in for it. I was too messed up to care about that. They could do whatever they wanted to me for what I had said.

And then the unfocused confusion of thoughts began to move together.

_What were they thinking? Endangering everyone!_

_Not safe. Dangerous._

_Breaking the treaty. Bringing disease._

_We can’t allow it._

The pack was pacing in synchronization now, thinking in synchronization, all but myself and one other. I sat beside whichever brother it was, too dazed to look over with either my eyes or my mind to see who was next to me, while the pack circled around us.

_The treaty is broken._

_This puts everyone in danger._

I tried to understand the spiraling voices, tried to follow the curling pathway the thoughts made to see where they were leading, but it wasn’t making sense. The pictures in the center of their thoughts were _my_ pictures—the very worst of them. Beau’s sickly face, Edward’s face as he burned.

_They knew it was dangerous._

_They still brought him back here._

_They’ve already considered breaking the treaty._

_They’re planning on it!_

_The safety of our families, of everyone here, is what’s important._

_Protect the tribe._

_Protect our families._

_Uphold the treaty!_

Another of my memories, Edward’s words this time: _This sickness… it’s unpredictable, violent_

_No time to waste,_ Jared thought.

_It will mean a fight,_ Embry cautioned _. A bad one._

_We’re ready,_ Paul insisted.

_We’ll need surprise on our side_ , Sam thought.

_If we catch them divided, we can take them down separately. It will increase our chances of victory,_ Jared thought, starting to strategize now.

I shook my head, rising slowly to my feet. I felt unsteady there—like the circling wolves were making me dizzy. The wolf beside me got up, too. His shoulders pushed against mine, propping me up.

_Wait_ , I thought.

The circling paused for one beat, and then they were pacing again.

_There’s little time,_ Sam said.

_But—what are you thinking? You wouldn’t attack them this afternoon. Now you’re planning an ambush, when the treaty is still intact?_

_The treaty is one failing heart away from being broken_ , Sam said _. Not only have the Cullens already considered turning Beau—in violation of the treaty—Not only are they planning to do it if he does get worse, they’ve brought him back to Forks with this disease. They’ve put everyone in danger, they have broken the treaty and that means war._

_No, we can’t—_

_He’s dying, Jacob, you know they won’t let him die if they can do anything about it_ , Liam whispered.

_Jake, buddy, this is a big problem,_ Quil said. _We can’t just ignore it._

_They’re just trying to save Beau,_ I argued.

_You don’t get an opinion on this, Jacob, you’ve already betrayed us once today. Encouraging the blood drinkers to change Beau,_ Sam snapped. _This disease is unpredictable and violent—what if we’re already too late? What if it’s already spreading through the town? The Cullens have shown they are a danger to our people and they would change a human—even against their will!_

_Can’t we just tell them to leave?_ The wolf who was still supporting me asked. It was Seth. Of course.

_And inflict this upon others? When blood drinkers cross our land, we destroy them, no matter where they plan to hunt. We protect everyone we can._

_This is crazy,_ I said. _This afternoon you were afraid to put the pack in danger._

_This afternoon I didn’t know our families were at risk_.

_I can’t believe this! How’re you going to stop them without hurting Beau?_

There were no words, but the silence was full of meaning.

I howled. _He’s human, too! Doesn’t our protection apply to him?_

_He’s dying anyway,_ Liam thought. _We’ll just shorten the process._

That did it. I leaped away from Seth, toward his brother, with my teeth bared. I was about to catch his left hind leg when I felt Sam’s teeth cut into my flank, dragging me back.

I howled in pain and fury and turned on him.

_Stop!_ he ordered in the double timbre of the Alpha.

My legs seemed to buckle under me. I jerked to a halt, only managing to keep on my feet by sheer willpower.

He turned his gaze away from me. _You will not be cruel to him, Liam,_ he commanded. _Beau’s sacrifice is a heavy price, and we will_ all _recognize that. It is against everything we stand for to take a human life. Making an exception to that code is a bleak thing. We will_ all _mourn for what we do tonight._

_Tonight?_ Seth repeated, shocked. _Sam—I think we should talk about this some more. Consult with the Elders, at least. You can’t seriously mean for us to—_

_We can’t afford your tolerance for the Cullens now. There is no time for debate. You_ will _do as you are told, Seth._

Seth’s front knees folded, and his head fell forward under the weight of the Alpha’s command.

Sam paced in a tight circle around the two of us.

_We need the whole pack for this. Jacob, you are our strongest fighter. You_ will _fight with us tonight. I understand that this is hard for you, so you will concentrate on their fighters—Emmett and Jasper Cullen. You don’t have to be involved with the... other part. Quil and Embry will fight with you._

My knees trembled; I struggled to hold myself upright while the voice of the Alpha lashed at my will.

_Paul, Jared, and I will take on Edward and Royal. I think, from the information Jacob has brought us, they will be the ones guarding Beau. Carlisle and Alice will also be close, possibly Esme. Brady, Collin, Seth, and Liam will concentrate on them. Whoever has a clear line on—_ we all heard him mentally stutter over Beau’s name _—the target will take it. Destroying this disease is our first priority._

The pack rumbled in nervous agreement. The tension had everyone’s fur standing on end. The pacing was quicker, and the sound of the paws against the brackish floor was sharper, toenails tearing into the soil.

Only Seth and I were still, the eye in the center of a storm of bared teeth and flattened ears. Seth’s nose was almost touching the ground, bowed under Sam’s commands. I felt his pain at the coming disloyalty. For him this was a betrayal—during that one day of alliance, fighting beside Edward Cullen, Seth had truly become the vampire’s friend.

There was no resistance in him, however. He would obey no matter how much it hurt him. He had no other choice.

And what choice did I have? When the Alpha spoke, the pack followed.

Sam had never pushed his authority this far before; I knew he honestly hated to see Seth kneeling before him like a slave at the foot of his master. He wouldn’t force this if he didn’t believe that he had no other choice. He couldn’t lie to us when we were linked mind to mind like this. He really believed it was our duty to destroy Beau and the disease he carried. That Beau had to die before he could become a vampire. And that the Cullens were a real and present danger to everyone. He really believed we had no time to waste. He believed it enough to die for it.

I saw that he would face Edward himself; Edward’s ability to read our thoughts made him the greatest threat in Sam’s mind. Sam would not let someone else take on that danger.

He saw Jasper as the second-greatest opponent, which is why he’d given him to me. He knew that I had the best chance of any of the pack to win that fight. He’d left the easiest targets for the younger wolves and Liam. Little Alice was no danger without her future vision to guide her, and we knew from our time of alliance that Esme was not a fighter. Carlisle would be more of a challenge, but his hatred of violence would hinder him.

I felt sicker than Seth as I watched Sam plan it out, trying to work the angles to give each member of the pack the best chance of survival.

Everything was inside out. This afternoon, I’d been chomping at the bit to attack them. But Seth had been right—it wasn’t a fight I’d been ready for. I’d blinded myself with that hate. I hadn’t let myself look at it carefully, because I must have known what I would see if I did.

Carlisle Cullen. Looking at him without that hate clouding my eyes, I couldn’t deny that killing him was murder. He was good. Good as any human we protected. Maybe better. The others, too, I supposed, but I didn’t feel as strongly about them. I didn’t know them as well. It was Carlisle who would hate fighting back, even to save his own life. That’s why we would be able to kill him—because he wouldn’t want _us_ , his enemies, to die.

This was wrong.

And it wasn’t just because killing Beau felt like killing _me_ , like suicide.

_Pull it together, Jacob,_ Sam ordered. _The tribe comes first._

_I was wrong today, Sam._

_Your reasons were wrong then. But now we have a duty to fulfill._

I braced myself. _No._

Sam snarled and stopped pacing in front of me. He stared into my eyes and a deep growl slid between his teeth.

_Yes_ , the Alpha decreed, his double voice blistering with the heat of his authority. _There are no loopholes tonight. You, Jacob, are going to fight the Cullens with us. You, with Quil and Embry, will take care of Jasper and Emmett. You are obligated to protect the tribe. That is why you exist. You_ will _perform this obligation._

My shoulders hunched as the edict crushed me. My legs collapsed, and I was on my belly under him.

No member of the pack could refuse the Alpha.


	11. The Two Things At the Very Top Of My Things-I-Never-Wanted-To-Do List

Sam started moving the others into formation while I was still on the ground. Embry and Quil were at my sides, waiting for me to recover and take the point.

I could feel the drive, the need, to get on my feet and lead them. The compulsion grew, and I fought it uselessly, cringing on the ground where I was.

Embry whined quietly in my ear. He didn’t want to think the words, afraid that he would bring me to Sam’s attention again. I felt his wordless plea for me to get up, for me to get this over with and be done with it.

There was fear in the pack, not so much for self but for the whole. We couldn’t imagine that we would all make it out alive tonight. Which brothers would we lose? Which minds would leave us forever? Which grieving families would we be consoling in the morning?

My mind began to work with theirs, to think in unison, as we dealt with these fears. Automatically, I pushed up from the ground and shook out my coat.

Embry and Quil huffed in relief. Quil touched his nose to my side once.

Their minds were filled with our challenge, our assignment. We remembered together the nights we’d watched the Cullens practicing for the fight with the newborns. Emmett Cullen was strongest, but Jasper would be the bigger problem. He moved like a lightning strike—power and speed and death rolled into one. How many centuries’ experience did he have? Enough that all the other Cullens looked to him for guidance.

 _I’ll take point, if you want flank,_ Quil offered. There was more excitement in his mind than most of the others. When Quil had watched Jasper’s instruction those nights, he’d been dying to test his skill against the vampire’s. For him, this would be a contest. Even knowing it was his life on the line, he saw it that way. Paul was like that, too, and the kids who had never been in battle, Collin and Brady. Seth probably would’ve been the same—if the opponents were not his friends.

 _Jake?_ Quil nudged me. _How do you want to roll?_

I just shook my head. I couldn’t concentrate—the compulsion to follow orders felt like puppet strings hooked into all of my muscles. One foot forward, now another.

Seth was dragging behind Collin and Brady—Liam had assumed point there. He ignored Seth while planning with the others, and I could see that he’d rather leave him out of the fight. There was a paternal edge to his feelings for his younger brother. He wished Sam would send him home. Seth didn’t register Liam’s doubts. He was adjusting to the puppet strings, too.

 _Maybe if you stopped resisting...,_ Embry whispered.

 _Just focus on our part. The big ones. We can take them down. We own them!_ Quil was working himself up—like a pep talk before a big game.

I could see how easy it would be—to think about nothing more than my part. It wasn’t hard to imaging attacking Jasper and Emmett. We’d been close to that before. I’d thought of them as enemies for a very long time. I could do that now again.

I just had to forget that they were protecting the same thing I would protect. I had to forget the reason why I might want them to win....

 _Jake_ , Embry warned. _Keep your head in the game_.

My feet moved sluggishly, pulling against the drag of the strings.

 _There’s no point fighting it,_ Embry whispered again.

He was right. I would end up doing what Sam wanted, if he was willing to push it. And he was. Obviously.

There was a good reason for the Alpha’s authority. Even a pack as strong as ours wasn’t much of a force without a leader. We had to move together, to think together, in order to be effective. And that required the body to have a head.

So what if Sam was wrong now? There was nothing anyone could do. No one could dispute his decision.

Except.

And there it was—a thought I’d never, never wanted to have. But now, with my legs all tied up in strings, I recognized the exception with relief—more than relief, with a fierce joy.

No one could dispute the Alpha’s decision—except for _me_.

I hadn’t earned anything. But there were things that had been born in me, things that I’d left unclaimed.

I’d never wanted to lead the pack. I didn’t want to do it now. I didn’t want the responsibility for all our fates resting on my shoulders. Sam was better at that than I would ever be.

But he was wrong tonight.

And I had not been born to kneel to him.

The bonds fell off my body the second that I embraced my birthright.

I could feel it gathering in me, both a freedom and also a strange, hollow power. Hollow because an Alpha’s power came from his pack, and I had no pack. For a second, loneliness overwhelmed me.

I had no pack now.

But I was straight and strong as I walked to where Sam stood, planning with Paul and Jared. He turned at the sound of my advance, and his black eyes narrowed.

 _No,_ I told him again.

He heard it right away, heard the choice that I’d made in the sound of the Alpha voice in my thoughts.

He jumped back a half step with a shocked yelp.

_Jacob? What have you done?_

_I won’t follow you, Sam. Not for something so wrong._

He stared at me, stunned. _You would... you would choose your enemies over your family?_

 _They aren’t—_ I shook my head, clearing it _—they aren’t our enemies. They never have been. Until I really thought about destroying them, thought it through, I didn’t see that._

 _This isn’t about them,_ he snarled at me. _This is about Beau. He has never been the one for you, he has never chosen you, but you continue to destroy your life for him!_

They were hard words, but true words. I sucked in a big gulp of air, breathing them in.

_Maybe you’re right. But you’re going to destroy the pack over him, Sam. No matter how many of them survive tonight, they will always have murder on their hands._

_We have to protect our families!_

_I know what you’ve decided, Sam. But you don’t decide for me, not anymore._

_Jacob—you can’t turn your back on the tribe._

I heard the double echo of his Alpha command, but it was weightless this time. It no longer applied to me. He clenched his jaw, trying to _force_ me to respond to his words.

I stared into his furious eyes. _Ephraim Black’s son was not born to follow Levi Uley’s._

 _Is this it, then, Jacob_ Black _?_ His hackles rose and his muzzle pulled back from his teeth. Paul and Jared snarled and bristled at his sides. _Even if you can defeat me, the pack will never follow you!_

Now _I_ jerked back, a surprised whine escaping my throat.

_Defeat you? I’m not going to fight you, Sam._

_Then what’s your plan? I’m not stepping aside so that you can protect the vampires at the tribe’s expense._

_I’m not telling you to step aside._

_If you order them to follow you—_

_I’ll_ never _take anyone’s will away from him._

His tail whipped back and forth as he recoiled from the judgment in my words. Then he took a step forward so that we were toe to toe, his exposed teeth inches from mine. I hadn’t noticed till this moment that I’d grown taller than him.

 _There cannot be more than one Alpha. The pack has chosen me. Will you rip us apart tonight? Will you turn on your brothers? Or will you end this insanity and join us again?_ Every word was layered with command, but it couldn’t touch me. Alpha blood ran undiluted in my veins.

I could see why there was never more than one Alpha male in a pack. My body was responding to the challenge. I could feel the instinct to defend my claim rising in me. The primitive core of my wolf-self tensed for the battle of supremacy.

I focused all my energy to control that reaction. I would not fall into a pointless, destructive fight with Sam. He was my brother still, even though I was rejecting him.

_There is only one Alpha for this pack. I’m not contesting that. I’m just choosing to go my own way._

_Do you belong to a_ coven _now, Jacob?_

I flinched.

_I don’t know, Sam. But I do know this—_

He shrunk back as he felt the weight of the Alpha in my tone. It affected him more than his touched me. Because I _had_ been born to lead him.

 _I_ will _stand between you and the Cullens. I won’t just watch while the pack kills innocent—_ it was hard to apply that word to vampires, but it was true— _people. The pack is better than that. Lead them in the right direction, Sam._

I turned my back on him, and a chorus of howls tore into the air around me.

Digging my nails into the earth, I raced away from the uproar I’d caused. I didn’t have much time. At least Liam was the only one with a prayer of outrunning me, and I had a head start.

The howling faded with the distance, and I took comfort as the sound continued to rip apart the quiet night. They weren’t after me yet.

I had to warn the Cullens before the pack could get it together and stop me. If the Cullens were prepared, it might give Sam a reason to rethink this before it was too late. I sprinted toward the white house I still hated, leaving my home behind me. Home didn’t belong to me anymore. I’d turned my back on it.

Today had begun like any other day. Made it home from patrol with the rainy sunrise, breakfast with Billy and Rachel, bad TV, bickering with Paul... How did it change so completely, turn all surreal? How did everything get messed up and twisted so that I was here now, all alone, an unwilling Alpha, cut off from my brothers, choosing vampires over them?

The sound I’d been fearing interrupted my dazed thoughts—it was the soft impact of big paws against the ground, chasing after me. I threw myself forward, rocketing through the black forest. I just had to get close enough so that Edward could hear the warning in my head. Liam wouldn’t be able to stop me alone.

And then I caught the mood of the thoughts behind me. Not anger, but enthusiasm. Not chasing... but following.

My stride broke. I staggered two steps before it evened out again.

_Wait up. My legs aren’t as long as yours._

_SETH! What do you think you’re DOING? GO HOME!_

He didn’t answer, but I could feel his excitement as he kept right on after me. I could see through his eyes as he could see through mine. The night scene was bleak for me— full of despair. For him, it was hopeful.

I hadn’t realized I was slowing down, but suddenly he was on my flank, running in position beside me.

_I am not joking, Seth! This is no place for you. Get out of here._

The gangly tan wolf snorted. _I’ve got your back, Jacob. I think you’re right. And I’m not going to stand behind Sam when—_

_Oh yes, the hell you are going to stand behind Sam! Get your furry butt back to La Push and do what Sam tells you to do._

_No._

_Go, Seth!_

_Is that an_ order _, Jacob?_

His question brought me up short. I skidded to a halt, my nails gouging furrows in the mud.

_I’m not ordering anyone to do anything. I’m just telling you what you already know._

He plopped down on his haunches beside me. _I’ll tell you what I know—I know that it’s awful quiet. Haven’t you noticed?_

I blinked. My tail swished nervously as I realized what he was thinking underneath the words. It wasn’t quiet in one sense. Howls still filled the air, far away in the west.

 _They haven’t phased back,_ Seth said.

I knew that. The pack would be on red alert now. They would be using the mind link to see all sides clearly. But I couldn’t hear what they were thinking. I could only hear Seth. No one else.

 _Looks to me like separate packs aren’t linked. Huh. Guess there was no reason for our fathers to know that before. ’Cause there was no reason for separate packs before. Never enough wolves for two. Wow. It’s_ really _quiet. Sort of eerie. But also kinda nice, don’t you think? I bet it was easier, like this, for Ephraim and Quil and Levi. Not such a babble with just three. Or just two._

_Shut up, Seth._

_Yes, sir._

_Stop that! There are not two packs. There is THE pack, and then there is me. That’s all. So you can go home now._

_If there aren’t two packs, then why can we hear each other and not the rest? I think that when you turned your back on Sam, that was a pretty significant move. A change. And when I followed you away, I think that was significant, too._

_You’ve got a point,_ I conceded. _But what can change can change right back._

He got up and started trotting toward the east. _No time to argue about it now. We should be moving right along before Sam..._

He was right about that part. There was no time for this argument. I fell into a run again, not pushing myself quite as hard. Seth stayed on my heels, holding the Second’s traditional place on my right flank.

 _I can run somewhere else,_ he thought, his nose dipping a little. _I didn’t follow you because I was after a promotion._

_Run wherever you want. Makes no difference to me._

There was no sound of pursuit, but we both stepped it up a little at the same time. I was worried now. If I couldn’t tap into the pack’s mind, it was going to make this more difficult. I’d have no more advance warning of attack than the Cullens.

 _We’ll run patrols,_ Seth suggested.

 _And what do we do if the pack challenges us?_ My eyes tightened. _Attack our brothers?_ Your _brother?_

_No—we sound the alarm and fall back._

_Good answer. But then what? I don’t think..._

_I know_ , he agreed. Less confident now. _I don’t think I can fight them, either. But they won’t be any happier with the idea of attacking us than we are with attacking them. That might be enough to stop them right there. Plus, there’re only eight of them now._

 _Stop being so..._ Took me a minute to decide on the right word. _Optimistic. It’s getting on my nerves._

_No problem. You want me to be all doom and gloom, or just shut up?_

_Just shut up._

_Can do._

_Really? Doesn’t seem like it._

He was finally quiet.

And then we were across the road and moving through the forest that ringed the Cullens’ house. Could Edward hear us yet?

_Maybe we should be thinking something like, “We come in peace.”_

_Go for it._

_Edward?_ He called the name tentatively. _Edward, you there? Okay, now I feel kinda stupid._

_You sound stupid, too._

_Think he can hear us?_

We were less than a mile out now. _I think so. Hey, Edward. If you can hear me—circle the wagons, bloodsucker. You’ve got a problem._

We’ve _got a problem,_ Seth corrected.

Then we broke through the trees into the big lawn. The house was dark, but not empty. Edward stood on the porch between Emmett and Jasper. They were snow white in the pale light.

“Jacob? Seth? What’s going on?”

I slowed and then paced back a few steps. The smell was so sharp through this nose that it felt like it was honestly burning me. Seth whined quietly, hesitating, and then he fell back behind me.

To answer Edward’s question, I let my mind run over the confrontation with Sam, moving through it backward. Seth thought with me, filling in the gaps, showing the scene from another angle. We stopped when we got to the part about the “disease,” because Edward hissed furiously and leaped off the porch.

“They want to kill Beau?” he snarled flatly.

Emmett and Jasper, not having heard the first part of the conversation, took his inflectionless question for a statement. They were right next to him in a flash, teeth exposed as they moved on us.

 _Hey, now,_ Seth thought, backing away.

“Em, Jazz—not _them_! The others. The pack is coming.”

Emmett and Jasper rocked back on their heels; Emmett turned to Edward while Jasper kept his eyes locked on us.

“What’s _their_ problem?” Emmett demanded.

“The same one as mine,” Edward hissed. “But they have their own plan to handle it. Get the others. Call Carlisle! He and Esme have to get back here now.”

I whined uneasily. They _were_ separated.

“They aren’t far,” Edward said in the same dead voice as before.

 _I’m going to go take a look,_ Seth said. _Run the western perimeter._

“Will you be in danger, Seth?” Edward asked.

Seth and I exchanged a glance.

 _Don’t think so,_ we thought together. And then I added, _But maybe I should go. Just in case..._

 _They’ll be less likely to challenge me,_ Seth pointed out. _I’m just a kid to them._

_You’re just a kid to me, kid._

_I’m outta here. You need to coordinate with the Cullens._

He wheeled and darted into the darkness. I wasn’t going to order Seth around, so I let him go.

Edward and I stood facing each other in the dark meadow. I could hear Emmett muttering into his phone. Jasper was watching the place where Seth had vanished into the woods. Alice appeared on the porch and then, after staring at me with anxious eyes for a long moment, she flitted to Jasper’s side. I guessed that Royal was inside with Beau. Still guarding him—from the wrong dangers.

“This isn’t the first time I’ve owed you my gratitude, Jacob,” Edward whispered. “I would never have asked for this from you.”

I thought of what he’d asked me for earlier today. When it came to Beau, there were no lines he wouldn’t cross. _Yeah, you would._

He thought about it and then nodded. “I suppose you’re right about that.”

I sighed heavily. _Well, this isn’t the first time that I didn’t do it for you._

“Right,” he murmured.

_Sorry I didn’t do any good today. Told you he wouldn’t listen to me._

“I know. I never really believed he would. But…”

_You had to try. I get it. He any better?_

His voice and eyes went hollow. “Worse,” he breathed.

I didn’t want to let that word sink in. I was grateful when Alice spoke.

“Jacob, would you mind switching forms?” Alice asked. “I want to know what’s going on.”

I shook my head at the same time Edward answered.

“He needs to stay linked to Seth.”

“Well, then would _you_ be so kind as to tell me what’s happening?”

He explained in clipped, emotionless sentences. “The pack thinks Beau’s become a problem. They foresee potential danger from the sickness. They feel it’s their duty to remove that danger, and they feel we’re in violation of the treaty for considering changing Beau to save him. Jacob and Seth disbanded from the pack to warn us. The rest are planning to attack tonight.”

Alice hissed, leaning away from me. Emmett and Jasper exchanged a glance, and then their eyes ranged across the trees.

 _Nobody out here,_ Seth reported. _All’s quiet on the western front._

_They may go around._

_I’ll make a loop._

“Carlisle and Esme are on their way,” Emmett said. “Twenty minutes, tops.”

“We should take up a defensive position,” Jasper said.

Edward nodded. “Let’s get inside.”

_I’ll run perimeter with Seth. If I get too far for you to hear my head, listen for my howl._

“I will.”

They backed into the house, eyes flickering everywhere. Before they were inside, I turned and ran toward the west.

 _I’m still not finding much,_ Seth told me.

_I’ll take half the circle. Move fast—we don’t want them to have a chance to sneak past us._

Seth lurched forward in a sudden burst of speed.

We ran in silence, and the minutes passed. I listened to the noises around him, double- checking his judgment.

 _Hey—something coming up fast!_ he warned me after fifteen minutes of silence.

_On my way!_

_Hold your position—I don’t think it’s the pack. It sounds different._

_Seth—_

But he caught the approaching scent on the breeze, and I read it in his mind.

_Vampire. Bet it’s Carlisle._

_Seth, fall back. It might be someone else._

_No, it’s them. I recognize the scent. Hold up, I’m going to phase to explain it to them._

_Seth, I don’t think—_

But he was gone.

Anxiously, I raced along the western border. Wouldn’t it be just peachy if I couldn’t take care of Seth for one freaking night? What if something happened to him on my watch? Liam would shred me into kibble.

At least the kid kept it short. It wasn’t two minutes later when I felt him in my head again.

_Yep, Carlisle and Esme. Boy, were they surprised to see me! They’re probably inside by now. Carlisle said thanks._

_He’s a good guy._

_Yeah. That’s one of the reasons why we’re right about this._

_Hope so._

_Why’re you so down, Jake? I’ll bet Sam won’t bring the pack tonight. He’s not going to launch a suicide mission._

I sighed. It didn’t seem to matter, either way.

_Oh. This isn’t about Sam so much, is it?_

I made the turn at the end of my patrol. I caught Seth’s scent where he’d turned last. We weren’t leaving any gaps.

 _You think Beau’s going to die anyway,_ Seth whispered.

_Yeah, he is._

_Poor Edward. He must be crazy._

_Literally._

Edward’s name brought other memories boiling to the surface. Seth read them in astonishment.

And then he was howling. _Oh, man! No way! You did_ not _! That just plain ol’ sucks rocks, Jacob! And you know it, too! I can’t believe you said you’d kill him. What_ is _that? You have to tell him no._

_Shut up, shut up, you idiot! They’re going to think the pack is coming!_

_Oops!_ He cut off mid-howl.

I wheeled and started loping in toward the house. _Just keep out of this, Seth. Take the whole circle for now._

Seth seethed and I ignored him.

 _False alarm, false alarm,_ I thought as I ran closer in. _Sorry. Seth is young. He forgets things. No one’s attacking. False alarm._

When I got to the meadow, I could see Edward staring out of a dark window. I ran in, wanting to be sure he got the message.

_There’s nothing out there—you got that?_

He nodded once.

This would be a lot easier if the communication wasn’t one way. Then again, I was

kinda glad I wasn’t in _his_ head.

He looked over his shoulder, back into the house, and I saw a shudder run through his whole frame. He waved me away without looking in my direction again and then moved out of my view.

_What’s going on?_

Like I was going to get an answer.

I sat very still in the meadow and listened. With these ears, I could almost hear Seth’s soft footfalls, miles out into the forest. It was easy to hear every sound inside the dark house.

“It was a false alarm,” Edward was explaining in that dead voice, just repeating what I’d told him. “Seth was upset about something else, and he forgot we were listening for a signal. He’s very young.”

“Nice to have toddlers guarding the fort,” a deeper voice grumbled. Emmett, I thought.

“They’ve done us a great service tonight, Emmett,” Carlisle said. “At great personal sacrifice.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m just jealous. Wish I was out there.”

“Seth doesn’t think Sam will attack now,” Edward said mechanically. “Not with us forewarned, and lacking two members of the pack.”

“What does Jacob think?” Carlisle asked.

“He’s not as optimistic.”

No one spoke. There was a quiet dripping sound that I couldn’t place. I heard their low breathing—and I could separate Beau’s from the rest. It was harsher, labored. It hitched and broke in strange rhythms. I could hear his heart. It seemed... too fast, too weak. I paced it against my own heartbeat, but I wasn’t sure if that was any measure. It wasn’t like I was normal.

“Don’t touch him! You’ll wake him up,” Royal whispered.

Someone sighed.

“Royal,” Carlisle murmured.

“Don’t start with me, Carlisle. None of you get it. Beau thought he had more time as a human. He _wanted_ more time. Yes, he was willing to change one day but this sped everything up too quickly. We should do everything we can to make him comfortable and help him through this, I think if we’re going to damn him to this existence we owe him at least that.”

I didn’t like Royal much, but I appreciated him a little more in that moment. It was a small glimpse into the insanity that was Beau’s decisions.

I paced quietly in front of the house. Each pass brought me a little closer. The dark windows were like a TV set running in some dull waiting room—it was impossible to keep my eyes off them for long.

A few more minutes, a few more passes, and my fur was brushing the side of the porch as I paced.

I could see up through the windows—see the top of the walls and the ceiling, the unlit chandelier that hung there. I was tall enough that all I would have to do was stretch my neck a little... and maybe one paw up on the edge of the porch....

I peeked into the big, open front room, expecting to see something very similar to the scene this afternoon. But it had changed so much that I was confused at first. For a second I thought I’d gotten the wrong room.

The glass wall was gone—it looked like metal now. And the furniture was all dragged out of the way, with Beau curled up awkwardly on a narrow bed in the center of the open space. Not a normal bed—one with rails like in a hospital. Also like a hospital were the monitors strapped to his body, the tubes stuck into his skin. The lights on the monitors flashed, but there was no sound. The dripping noise was from the IV plugged into his arm—some fluid that was thick and white, not clear.

He choked a little in his uneasy sleep, and both Edward and Royal moved in to hover over him. His body jerked, and he whimpered. Royal smoothed his hand across Beau’s forehead. Edward’s body stiffened—his back was to me, but his expression must have been something to see, because Emmett wrenched himself between them before there was time to blink. He held his hands up to Edward.

“Not tonight, Edward. We’ve got other things to worry about.”

Edward turned away from them, and he was the burning man again. His eyes met mine for one moment, and then I dropped back to all fours.

I ran back into the dark forest, running to join Seth, running away from what was behind me.

Worse. Yes, Beau was worse.


	12. Some People Just Don't Grasp the Concept of "Unwelcome"

I was right on the edge of sleep.

The sun had risen behind the clouds an hour ago—the forest was gray now instead of black. Seth’d curled up and passed out around one, and I’d woken him at dawn to trade off. Even after running all night, I was having a hard time making my brain shut up long enough to fall asleep, but Seth’s rhythmic run was helping. One, two-three, four, one, two-three, four— _dum, dum-dum, dum_ —dull paw thuds against the damp earth, over and over as he made the wide circuit around the Cullens’ land. We were already wearing a trail into the ground. Seth’s thoughts were empty, just a blur of green and gray as the woods flew past him. It was restful. It helped to fill my head with what he saw rather than letting my own images take center stage.

And then Seth’s piercing howl broke the early morning quiet.

I lurched up from the ground, my front legs pulling toward a sprint before my hind legs were off the ground. I raced to the place where Seth had frozen, listening with him to the tread of paws running in our direction.

_Morning, boys._

A shocked whine broke through Seth’s teeth. And then we both snarled as we read deeper into the new thoughts.

 _Man! Go away, Liam!_ Seth groaned.

I stopped when I got to Seth, head thrown back, ready to howl again—this time to

complain.

_Cut the noise, Seth._

_Right. Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!_ He whimpered and pawed at the ground, scratching deep furrows in the dirt.

Liam trotted into view, his lean gray body weaving through the underbrush.

_Stop whining, Seth. You’re such a baby._

I growled at him, my ears flattening against my skull. He skipped back a step automatically.

_What do you think you’re doing, Liam?_

He huffed a heavy sigh. _It’s pretty obvious, isn’t it? I’m joining your crappy little_

 _renegade pack. The vampires’ guard dogs._ He barked out a low, sarcastic laugh.

_No, you’re not. Turn around before I rip out one of your hamstrings._

_Like you could catch me._ He grinned and coiled his body for launch. _Wanna race, O fearless leader?_

I took a deep breath, filling my lungs until my sides bulged. Then, when I was sure I wasn’t going to scream, I exhaled in a gust.

 _Seth, go let the Cullens know that it’s just your jackass brother—_ I thought the words as harshly as possible. _I’ll deal with this._

 _On it!_ Seth was only too happy to leave. He vanished toward the house.

Liam whined, and he leaned after Seth, the fur on his shoulders rising. _You’re just going to let him run off to the vampires alone?_

_I’m pretty sure he’d rather they took him out than spend another minute with you._

_Shut up, Jacob. Oops, I’m sorry—I meant, shut up, most high Alpha._

_Why the hell are you here?_

_You think I’m just going to sit home while my little brother volunteers as a vampire chew toy?_

_Seth doesn’t want or need your protection. In fact, no one wants you here._

_Oooh, ouch, that one hurt. Ha,_ he barked _. Tell me who does want me around, and I’m outta here._

_So this isn’t about Seth at all, is it?_

_Of course it is. I’m just pointing out that being unwanted is not a first for me. Not really a motivating factor, if you know what I mean._

I gritted my teeth and tried to get my head straight.

_Did Sam send you?_

_If I was here on Sam’s errand, you wouldn’t be able to hear me. My allegiance is no longer with him._

I listened carefully to the thoughts mixed in with the words. If this was a diversion or a ploy, I had to be alert enough to see through it. But there was nothing. His declaration was nothing but the truth. Unwilling, almost despairing truth.

 _You’re loyal to_ me _now?_ I asked with deep sarcasm. _Uh-huh. Right._

_My choices are limited. I’m working with the options I’ve got. Trust me, I’m not enjoying this any more than you are._

That wasn’t true. There was an edgy kind of excitement in his mind. He was unhappy about this, but he was also riding some weird high. I searched his mind, trying to understand.

He bristled, resenting the intrusion. I usually tried to tune Liam out—I’d never tried to make sense of him before.

We were interrupted by Seth, thinking his explanation at Edward. Liam whined anxiously. Edward’s face, framed in the same window as last night, showed no reaction to the news. It was a blank face, dead.

 _Wow, he looks bad,_ Seth muttered to himself. The vampire showed no reaction to that thought, either. He disappeared into the house. Seth pivoted and headed back out to us. Liam relaxed a little.

 _What’s going on?_ Liam asked. _Catch me up to speed._

_There’s no point. You’re not staying._

_Actually, Mr. Alpha, I am. Because since apparently I have to belong to_ someone _—and don’t think I haven’t tried breaking off on my own, you know yourself how well_ that  _doesn’t work—I choose you._

_Liam, you don’t like me. I don’t like you._

_Thank you, Captain Obvious. That doesn’t matter to me. I’m staying with Seth._

_You don’t like vampires. Don’t you think that’s a little conflict of interest right there?_

_You don’t like vampires either._

_But I_ am _committed to this alliance. You aren’t._

_I’ll keep my distance from them. I can run patrols out here, just like Seth._

_And I’m supposed to trust you with that?_

He stretched his neck, leaning up on his toes, trying to be as tall as me as he stared into my eyes. _I will not betray my pack._

I wanted to throw my head back and howl, like Seth had before. _This isn’t your pack! This isn’t even_ a _pack. This is just me, going off on my own! What is it with you Clearwaters? Why can’t you leave me alone?_

Seth, just coming up behind us now, whined; I’d offended him. Great.

_I’ve been helpful, haven’t I, Jake?_

_You haven’t made_ too _much a nuisance of yourself, kid, but if you and Liam are a package deal—if the only way to get rid of him is for you to go home.... Well, can you blame me for wanting you gone?_

_Ugh, Liam, you ruin everything!_

_Yeah, I know,_ he told him, and the thought was loaded with the heaviness of his

despair.

I felt the pain in the three little words, and it was more than I would’ve guessed. I didn’t want to feel that. I didn’t want to feel bad for him. Sure, the pack was rough on him, but he brought it all on himself with the bitterness that tainted his every thought and made being in his head a nightmare.

Seth was feeling guilty, too.   _Jake... You’re not really gonna send me away, are you? Liam’s not so bad. Really. I mean, with him here, we can push the perimeter out farther. And this puts Sam down to seven. There’s no way he’s going to mount an attack that outnumbered. It’s probably a good thing...._

_You know I don’t want to lead a pack, Seth._

_So don’t lead us,_ Liam offered.

I snorted. _Sounds perfect to me. Run along home now._

 _Jake,_ Seth thought. _I belong here. I_ do _like vampires. Cullens, anyway. They’re people to me, and I’m going to protect them, ’cause that’s what we’re supposed to do._

_Maybe you belong, kid, but your brother doesn’t. And he’s going to go wherever you are —_

I stopped short, because I saw something when I said that. Something Liam had been trying not to think.

Liam wasn’t going anywhere.

 _Thought this was about Seth,_ I thought sourly.

He flinched. _Of course I’m here for Seth._

_And to get away from Sam._

His jaw clenched. _I don’t have to explain myself to you. I just have to do what I’m told. I belong to_ your _pack, Jacob. The end._

I paced away from him, growling.

Crap. I was never going to get rid of him. As much as he disliked me, as much as he loathed the Cullens, as happy as he’d be to go kill all the vampires right now, as much as it pissed him off to have to protect them instead—none of that was _anything_ compared to what he felt being free of Sam.

Liam didn’t like me, so it wasn’t such a chore having me wish he would disappear.

He loved Sam. Still. And having _Sam_ wish he would disappear was more pain than he was willing to live with, now that he had a choice. He would have taken any other option. Even if it meant moving in with the Cullens as their lapdog.

 _I don’t know if I’d go that far,_ he thought. He tried to make the words tough, aggressive, but there were big cracks in his show. _I’m sure I’d give killing myself a few good tries first._

_Look, Liam…_

_No,_ you  _look, Jacob. Stop arguing with me, because it’s not going to do any good. I’ll stay out of your way, okay? I’ll do anything you want. Except go back to Sam and be the pathetic ex-boyfriend—the dirty little secret—he can’t get away from. If you want me to leave—_ he sat back on his haunches and stared straight into my eyes— _you’re going to have to make me._

I snarled for a long, angry minute. I was beginning to feel some sympathy for Sam, despite what he had done to me, to Seth. No wonder he was always ordering the pack around. How else would you ever get anything done?

_Seth, are you gonna get mad at me if I kill your brother?_

Seth pretended to think about it for a minute. _Well... yeah, probably._

I sighed.

_Okay, then, Mr. Do-Anything-I-Want. Why don’t you make yourself useful by telling us what you know? What happened after we left last night?_

_Lots of howling. But you probably heard that part. It was so loud that it took us a while to figure out that we couldn’t hear either of you anymore. Sam was..._ Words failed him, but we could see it in our head. Both Seth and I cringed. _After that, it was clear pretty quick that we were going to have to rethink things. Sam was planning to talk to the other Elders first thing this morning. We were supposed to meet up and figure out a game plan. I could tell he wasn’t going to mount another attack right away, though. Suicide at this point, with you and Seth AWOL and the bloodsuckers forewarned. I’m not sure what they’ll do, but I wouldn’t be wandering the forest alone if I was a leech. It’s open season on vamps now._

 _You decided to skip the meeting this morning?_ I asked.

_When we split up for patrols last night, I asked permission to go home, to tell my mother what had happened—_

_Crap! You told Mom?_ Seth growled.

_Seth, hold off on the sibling stuff for a sec. Go on, Liam._

_So once I was human, I took a minute to think things through. Well, actually, I took all night. I bet the others think I fell asleep. But the whole two-separate-packs, two- separate-pack-minds thing gave me a lot to sift through. In the end, I weighed Seth’s safety and the, er, other benefits against the idea of turning traitor and sniffing vampire stink for who knows how long. You know what I decided. I left a note for my mom. I expect we’ll hear it when Sam finds out...._

Liam cocked an ear to the west.

 _Yeah, I expect we will,_ I agreed.

 _So that’s everything. What do we do now?_ he asked.

He and Seth both looked at me expectantly.

This was exactly the kind of thing I didn’t want to have to do.

 _I guess we just keep an eye out for now. That’s all we_ can _do. You should probably take a nap, Liam._

_You’ve had as much sleep as I have._

_Thought you were going to do what you were told?_

_Right. That’s going to get old,_ he grumbled, and then he yawned. _Well, whatever. I don’t care._

 _I’ll run the border, Jake. I’m not tired at all._ Seth was so glad I hadn’t forced them home, he was all but prancing with excitement.

_Sure, sure. I’m going to go check in with the Cullens._

Seth took off along the new path worn into the damp earth. Liam looked after him thoughtfully.

_Maybe a round or two before I crash.... Hey Seth, wanna see how many times I can lap you?_

_NO!_

Barking out a low chuckle, Liam lunged into the woods after him. I growled uselessly. So much for peace and quiet.

Liam was trying—for Liam. He kept his jibes to a minimum as he raced around the circuit, but it was impossible not to be aware of his smug mood. I thought of the whole “two’s company” saying. It didn’t really apply, because _one_ was plenty to my mind. But if there _had_ to be three of us, it was hard to think of anyone that I wouldn’t trade him for.

 _Paul?_ he suggested.

 _Maybe,_ I allowed.

He laughed to himself, too jittery and hyper to get offended. I wondered how long the buzz from dodging Sam’s pity would last.

_That will be my goal, then—to be less annoying than Paul._

_Yeah, work on that._

I changed into my other form when I was a few yards from the lawn. I hadn’t been planning to spend much time human here. But I hadn’t been planning to have Liam in my head, either. I pulled on my ragged shorts and started across the lawn.

The door opened before I got to the steps, and I was surprised to see Carlisle rather than Edward step outside to meet me—his face looked exhausted and defeated. For a second, my heart froze. I faltered to a stop, unable to speak.

“Are you all right, Jacob?” Carlisle asked.

“Is Beau?” I choked out.

“He’s... much the same as last night. Did I startle you? I’m sorry. Edward said you were coming in your human form, and I came out to greet you, as he didn’t want to leave Beau. He’s awake.”

And Edward didn’t want to lose any time with him, because he didn’t have much time left. Carlisle didn’t say the words out loud, but he might as well have.

It had been a while since I’d slept—since before my last patrol. I could really feel that now. I took a step forward, sat down on the porch steps, and slumped against the railing.

Moving whisper-quiet as only a vampire could, Carlisle took a seat on the same step, against the other railing.

“I didn’t get a chance to thank you last night, Jacob. You don’t know how much I appreciate your... compassion. I know your goal was to protect Beau, but I owe you the safety of the rest of my family as well. Edward told me what you had to do…”

“Don’t mention it,” I muttered.

“If you prefer.”

We sat in silence. I could hear the others in the house. Emmett, Alice, and Jasper, speaking in low, serious voices upstairs. Esme humming tunelessly in another room. Royal and Edward breathing close by—I couldn’t tell which was which, but I could hear the difference in Beau’s labored panting. I could hear his heart, too. It seemed... uneven.

It was like fate was out to make me do everything I’d ever sworn I wouldn’t in the course of twenty-four hours. Here I was, hanging around, waiting for Beau to die.

I didn’t want to listen anymore. Talking was better than listening.

“Beau’s family to you?” I asked Carlisle. It had caught my notice before, when he’d said I’d helped the _rest_ of his family, too.

“Yes. Beau is already a son to me. A beloved son.”

“But you’re going to let him die.”

He was quiet long enough that I looked up. His face was very, very tired. I knew how he felt.

“I can imagine what you think of me for that,” he finally said. “But I can’t ignore his will. It wouldn’t be right to make such a choice for him, to force him. I don’t think Beau would have been opposed to changing if it had been on his terms, but not having any choice in the matter… well, I can hardly blame him for refusing.”

I wanted to be angry with him, but he was making it hard. It was like he was throwing my own words back at me, just scrambled up. They’d sounded right before, but they couldn’t be right now. Not with Beau dying. Still... I remembered how it felt to be broken on the ground under Sam—to have no choice over my own life, my own future. It wasn’t the same, though. Sam was wrong. And Beau was making stupid decisions.

“Do you think there’s any chance he’ll make it? I mean, as a vampire and all that.”

“I’d say there’s an even chance at this point,” he answered quietly. “I’ve seen vampire venom work miracles, but there are conditions that even venom cannot overcome. His heart is working too hard now; if it should fail... there won’t be anything for me to do.”

Beau’s heartbeat throbbed and faltered, giving an agonizing emphasis to his words.

Maybe the planet had started turning backward. Maybe that would explain how everything was the opposite of what it had been yesterday—how I could be hoping for what had once seemed like the very worst thing in the world.

“What is it doing to him?” I whispered. “He was so much worse last night. I saw... the tubes and all that. Through the window.”

“The disease is attacking his body at an alarming rate. It’s too strong, too unpredictable. I’ve never seen anything like it. I’ve tried every kind of antibiotic I can think of. His body just keeps breaking down, getting weaker and weaker. Aside from the blood in his lungs, the pain, the fevers and chills, he can’t even keep food down anymore. I’m trying to feed him intravenously, but he’s just not absorbing it fast enough. I thought I knew everything there was to know about medicine, but _this…_ ” His weary voice broke at the end.

I felt nauseous and furious just thinking about Beau’s condition, about how frail and sick he’d looked.

I clenched my hands into fists to control the shaking. I hated that Beau was in so much pain. I hated that there was nothing any of us could do to stop it. It wasn’t fair. Beau was a good person. He didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve to suffer so much, to die. Even now, I could smell the sickness from here. It was a bitter, acrid smell in his blood.

“His blood smells all wrong,” I muttered, more to myself than to Carlisle.

“Yes,” he agreed. “I’m not surprised you can smell it, given your abilities. The disease is vector-borne, that’s where it originated. A bite from some insect that introduced something into his bloodstream. Now that it’s in his blood, it has attacked his blood cells, destroyed his body’s ability to fight disease. It’s almost turned his own antibodies against him.”

“Nothing is helping?”

“Nothing we’ve tried. There were some mild improvements with blood-transfusions. I’ve kept a stock of O-negative laid aside for Beau—in the event of emergencies—but it was short-lived, and I’ve run out now. But it was the only thing that seemed to truly help in any way.”

Ironic. Blood was the answer. “How does that work, exactly?”

“Beau’s blood is breaking down from the disease, making it unable to perform necessary functions. The transfusions introduced healthy blood back into his system and improved his condition. Again, it’s pointless now that I’ve run out.”

“Can’t you get more?” I asked.

“I’m hesitant to leave given Beau’s condition. If something were to happen when I’m not here….” Carlisle sighed. “I’ve had to make do with what I have.”

I wasn’t sure what to do. I wanted to help, but I wasn’t really any use. I wished I could give Beau some of my own healing abilities. I’d be willing to give up my life if it meant helping him at this point, even my own blood.

Then we heard Edward’s voice inside the house, and we both paused to listen.

“I’ll be right back, Beau. I want to speak with Carlisle for a moment. Actually, Royal, would you mind accompanying me?” Edward sounded different. There was a little life in his dead voice. A spark of something. Not hope exactly, but maybe the _desire_ to hope.

“What is it, Edward?” Beau asked hoarsely.

“Nothing you need to worry about, love. It will take just a second. Please, Roy?”

“Esme?” Royal called. “Can you mind Beau for me?”

I heard the whisper of wind as Esme flitted down the stairs.

“Of course,” she said.

Carlisle shifted, twisting to look expectantly at the door. Edward was through the door first, with Royal right on his heels. Edward’s face was, like his voice, no longer dead. He seemed intensely focused. Royal looked suspicious.

Edward shut the door behind him.

“Carlisle,” he murmured.

“What is it, Edward?”

“Perhaps we can help Beau without making a supply run. I was listening to you and Jacob just now, and when you mentioned the blood transfusions, Jacob had a thought.”

 _Me?_ What had _I_ thought?

“We know that clean blood has helped Beau, we know it’s strengthened him. Until we ran out, it was the best he was doing.”

“Yes, but I’m not following you, Edward,” Carlisle said.

“Think about it, Carlisle. We need blood, and none of _us_ can provide it. But there is someone here who can.”

I realized at the same moment as Carlisle that he was talking about me.

“Oh,” he said in a surprised tone. “I hadn’t considered…”

Royal hissed under his breath. His revoltingly perfect face incredulous. “We’re going to pump Beau full of _dog_ blood?”

“Hmm.” Carlisle put his hand to his chin, lost in thought. “I wonder… If the blood types are compatible…”

“Do you know your blood type, Jacob?” Edward asked me.

I dug through my brain. “O-negative. Pretty sure, at least.”

Royal hissed again.

“Would it work, Carlisle? Given Jacob’s…” Edward glanced at me, “abilities?”

Carlisle considered this for a moment. “I’m not sure.” His eyes were intense, focused. “On a DNA level… The chromosomal count is similar, but not exactly the same.”

“You’re losing me, Doc,” I sighed. “Can you dumb it down.”

He glanced up to me, “Okay. How much biology have you taken? Did you study chromosomal pairs?”

“Think so. We have twenty-three, right?”

“Humans do.”

I blinked. “How many do you have?”

“Twenty-five.”

I frowned at him for a second, then I realized he was excluding me from ‘humans.’

“I don’t have twenty-three?”

Carlisle coughed self-consciously. “You have twenty-four pairs, Jacob.”

I raised my eyebrows at him slowly.

He looked embarrassed. “I was… curious. I took the liberty when I was treating you last June.”

I thought about it for a second. “I guess that should piss me off. But I don’t really care.”

“I’m sorry. I should have asked.”

“S’okay, Doc. You didn’t mean any harm.”

“No, I promise you that I did _not_ mean you any harm. It’s just that... I find your species fascinating. I suppose that the elements of vampiric nature have come to seem commonplace to me over the centuries. Your family’s divergence from humanity is much more interesting. Magical, almost.”

“Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo,” I mumbled. He was just like Beau with all the magic garbage.

“How is this helping Beau?” Royal snapped.

“Yes, of course,” Carlisle was focused again. “The blood-types match. The chromosomal count is similar…” He sighed, “But I don’t know what will happen. I don’t know if they’re truly compatible.”

“But they might be.” Edward urged.

“And what if Beau turns into a dog?” Royal glared.

“I don’t think it works that way, Royal.” Edward snapped.

“But you don’t _know_ , Edward.” Royal turned to him. “I’m not going to let you do anything to jeopardize Beau’s humanity. Remember, it has to be _his_ choice _._ ”

Edward was quiet then. His expression dark, full of guilt. The blond knew what buttons to push.

I was annoyed with Blondie, but I couldn’t be mad at his logic. Beau had wanted to stay human, and Royal was willing to do anything to help him stay human. In different circumstances I could probably manage to be grateful.

From the corner of my eye, I saw Edward nod once, absently, not looking in my direction. But I knew he was agreeing with me.

“Well,” I finally spoke, “we’ve never had any other problems in the tribe. No stories in our legends of anyone becoming a wolf because of blood. I mean, it’s a lineage thing—passed down through the bloodline—but I think it’s more like a metaphor?”

Carlisle considered this for a moment. “It may be worth a try.”

Royal huffed. “It should be Beau’s decision.” He cut a seething glance at me. “I don’t like it. But if it will help…” He huffed again, “Let’s just ask Beau what he thinks.”

Edward’s expression lifted a little. That same look of hope in his eyes.

I slowly trudged behind them as they disappeared into the house. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to believe this could help. I didn’t know if I could handle the disappointment if it didn’t. I failed to protect Beau from the bloodsuckers, I didn’t know if I could handle failing him again now.

Beau lay flat on the hospital bed, his body skeletal under the sheet. He looked like wax—colorless and sort of see-through. You’d think he was already dead, except for the tiny movement of his chest, his shallow breathing. His expression was somber and thoughtful. He barely noticed us when we came in.

The others were at his side already, flitting across the room with sudden darting motions. It was creepy to watch. I ambled along at a slow walk.

“What’s going on?” Beau demanded in a scratchy, startled whisper.

“We’ve had an idea that might help you,” Carlisle said. “It does have some risk, and we’re not sure it will work…”

“But there is a chance,” Edward urged.

“A small chance.” Royal corrected.

Beau eyed us all. Then he coughed weakly. “I could use a chance right now,” He chuckled, then coughed again. “I think I’ve used up all my other chances at this point.”

Royal sighed and rubbed Beau’s arm softly. Edward put a hand on Beau’s head.

He looked like he only had hours left, and he had to be in pain, but he was making jokes. So Beau. Trying to ease the tension, make it better for everyone else.

“Beau,” Edward said softly, no humor in his intense expression. “You remember the blood transfusions?”

Beau shuddered, “Yeah, loved those. Absolutely thrilling.” He coughed again.

“We’ve come up with a solution…” Edward began carefully.

“A risky solution.” Royal interrupted. “Possibly not even a real solution.”

“It’s the best chance we have, Royal.” Edward barely managed to keep his voice above a growl.

“Hey, hey now!” Beau coughed, “Knock it off, you two.” He cleared his throat, it was a raspy, haggard sound. “What’s the solution?”

The bloodsuckers all slowly looked over at me.

“Jake?” Beau raised an eyebrow. “What can you do, Jake?”

“It’s not what I can _do_ , babe, it’s what I can give.”

He blinked. “Oh. _Oh._ ”

“Your condition is deteriorating rapidly.” Carlisle said, “We don’t have time to waste. Introducing healthy blood into your body seems to be the only thing that’s helped you.”

“How’s that for ironic?” Beau said softly after a moment. “I wasn’t ready to become a vampire yet and here I am still sucking down blood.” He was quiet for a moment. “Well,” He sighed, “at least I don’t have to drink it.”

Royal and Carlisle chuckled quietly. Edward was stone faced. I felt slightly nauseous.

Beau’s gaze flickered to me, “Jake,” he began slowly, “I can’t ask you to do this. You’ve already done so much for me—you’re already _doing_ so much for me. Too much. I’m not going to ask you to give me… To…” He trailed off.

I took one of his hands in mine, for once, it didn’t feel cool. It felt just as hot as my skin. “You’re not asking me to do anything, babe. I’m offering. I just hope it works.”

“Hope it doesn’t turn Beau into a dog,” Royal muttered under his breath.

Beau’s eyes widened, then a smile spread across his face and he laughed for a moment, before another coughing fit took over.

“Beau, love, you can’t excite yourself like that.” Edward soothed.

“Sorry—” Beau cleared his throat, wiping a trickle of blood from his lips, “The mental image was just too funny…”

“Do you want to give it a try, Beau?” Carlisle asked gently.

“Well,” he rasped, “what have we got to lose at this point?” He shrugged, weakly, “Bring on the blood.”


	13. Good Thing I've Got a Strong Stomach

I tried to check out mentally so the next step went by quickly. Carlisle hurried me away and began the process of collecting my blood. Once he had collected a sufficient amount—and I was totally light-headed—he rushed off to perform some tests to make sure it was compatible with Beau’s body. Royal followed behind him, maybe to see the results for himself, or maybe to make sure Carlisle didn’t swap my blood out for some bloodsucker venom at the last second.

I slowly stumbled back to where Beau and Edward were. Beau’s eyes glanced down at the bandage on my arm—which was pointless, I had already healed—and a guilty look passed over his face.

Edward hadn’t moved, he was still standing there holding Beau’s hand. His face was dead again. He didn’t seem to have the energy to keep up even that little hint of hope he’d had before. They stared into each other’s eyes, but not in a gooey way. It was like they were having a conversation. Kind of reminded me of Sam and Emily.

No, it wasn’t gooey, but that only made it harder to watch.

I knew what it was like for Liam, having to see that all the time. Having to hear it in Sam’s head. Of course, we all felt bad for Liam, we weren’t monsters—in that sense, anyway. But I guess we’d all blamed him for how he handled it. Lashing out at everyone, trying to make us all as miserable as he was.

I would never blame him again. How could anyone help spreading this kind of misery around? How could anyone _not_ try to ease some of the burden by shoving a little piece of it off on someone else?

And if it meant that I had to have a pack, how could I blame Liam for taking my freedom? I would do the same. If there was a way to escape this pain, I’d take it, too.

Royal darted downstairs after a second, flying through the room like a sharp breeze, stirring up the burning smell. He stopped at a little table next to Beau’s hospital bed and placed a clean needle on it.

“Cover that, Royal,” Edward murmured. He rolled his eyes.

Beau made a concentrated effort not to look at the needle, he swallowed.

Royal placed a cloth over the needle and blew back out of the room, disappearing again.

“How did you get roped into this?” Beau whispered, his voice rough as he strained to make it loud enough for me to hear. Forgetting that I could hear just fine. I kind of liked how, a lot of the time, he seemed to forget that I wasn’t completely human. I moved closer, so that he wouldn’t have to work so hard.

“I’m not totally sure. But if it helps, I don’t mind.”

He smiled a little, but it was sad. “I didn’t expect to see you again.”

“Yeah, me either,” I said.

It felt weird just standing here, but the vampires had shoved all the furniture out of the way for the medical setup. I imagined that it didn’t bother them—sitting or standing didn’t make much difference when you were stone. Wouldn’t bother me much, either, except that I was so exhausted.

“Edward told me what you had to do. With the pack, I mean. I’m sorry.”

“S’okay. It was probably only a matter of time till I snapped over something Sam wanted me to do,” I lied.

“And Seth,” he whispered.

“He’s actually happy to help.”

“I hate causing you trouble.”

I laughed once—more a bark than a laugh.

He breathed a faint sigh. “I guess that’s nothing new, is it?”

“No, not really.”

“You don’t have to stay, you can go rest Jake,” he said, barely mouthing the words.

I could leave. It was probably a good idea. But if I did, with the way he looked right now, I could be missing the last fifteen minutes of his life.

“I don’t really have anywhere else to go,” I told him, trying to keep the emotion out of my voice. “The wolf thing is a lot less appealing since Liam joined up.”

“Liam?” he gasped.

“You didn’t tell him?” I asked Edward.

He just shrugged without moving his eyes from Beau’s face. I could see it wasn’t very exciting news to him, not something worth sharing with the more important events that were going down.

Beau didn’t take it so lightly. It looked like it was bad news to him.

“Why?” he breathed.

I didn’t want to get into the whole novel-length version. “To keep an eye on Seth.”

“But Liam hates us,” he whispered.

 _Us_. Nice. I could see that he was afraid, though.

“Liam’s not going to bug anyone.” But me. “He’s in my pack”—I grimaced at the words—“so he follows my lead.” Ugh.

Beau didn’t look convinced.

“You’re scared of _Liam_ , but you’re best buds with the psychopath blond?”

There was a low hiss from the second floor. Cool, he’d heard me.

Beau frowned at me. “Don’t. Roy... is just trying to help.”

“Yeah,” I grunted. “He’s trying to help you die.”

“Stop, Jacob, please,” Beau whispered. “Don’t be a jerk.”

He looked too weak to get mad at. I tried to smile instead. “You say that like it’s possible.”

Beau tried not to smile back for a second, but he couldn’t help it in the end; his chalky lips pulled up at the corners.

And then Carlisle and the psycho in question were there. Carlisle had one of those hospital bags of blood—my blood—in one hand, and a long tube in the other. Royal darted to the little table and collected the needle. Carlisle moved toward the metal pole near Beau’s bed that held the IV bag.

Carlisle hesitated as he hung the blood bag. Beau eyed it, looking vaguely nauseous.

“Beau, I can’t guarantee that this will work,” Carlisle said quietly.

“It’s fine, Carlisle,” Beau whispered.

“Nor can I guarantee it’s completely without risks.”

Beau considered this for a minute. Then he sighed and held out his arm where the IV needle was stuck.

“Let’s just do this.” Beau said, pulling his eyes tightly closed.

Carlisle moved quickly, in a flash Beau was hooked up to the blood bag.

“Alright, let’s begin.” Carlisle said quietly.

“You’re completely sure about this, Beau?” the blond asked, his face serious.

“Royal—” Edward snapped.

“Give it a rest, both of you.” Beau sighed, disgruntled. “Go head, Carlisle.”

Royal put a hand on Beau’s shoulder as Carlisle messed with the blood bag. My donated blood started slowly draining from the bag and moving down the tube into Beau.

He squeezed his eyes shut and wrinkled his nose. The seconds seemed to tick by slower than usual as we all watched him, Carlisle was carefully monitoring his vital signs. Then Beau shifted slightly and groaned quietly with his eyes still closed.

Edward and I stepped forward at the same time. He touched Beau’s face. I clenched my hands behind my back.

“Beau, love—”

“I’m okay,” he whispered. “I’m fine, don’t worry.”

“Incredible…” Carlisle muttered.

Edward’s expression lit up, that glimmer of hope reappeared in his eyes.

“What is it, Carlisle?” Royal asked.

“Give it a minute, it’s too soon to say.” Carlisle said, but he seemed excited.

“Am I sprouting any fur yet?” Beau asked, half amused at his own joke.

Royal rolled his eyes.

If this worked, Edward was going to owe me. Big time.

“We’ll discuss it later,” Edward said, so low the words were just a breath.

“What?” Beau whispered.

“Just talking to myself,” he lied smoothly.

If he succeeded with this, if Beau lived, Edward wasn’t going to be able to get away with so much when his senses were as sharp as his. He’d have to work on the honesty thing.

Edward’s lips twitched, fighting a smile.

Beau stared past us toward the window, dutifully avoiding looking at the blood bag. I wondered if my blood was tempting the vampires or if it repulsed them as much as my scent did—it must not be very appetizing to them, otherwise they’d probably rip the bag off the hook and chug it themselves.

Edward rolled his eyes.

Jeez, how did anyone stand living with him? It was really too bad he couldn’t hear Beau’s thoughts. Then he’d annoy the crap out of him, too, and he’d get tired of him.

Edward chuckled once. Beau’s eyes flicked to him immediately, and then he half-smiled at the humor in his face. I would guess that wasn’t something he’d seen in a while.

“Something funny?” he breathed.

“Jacob,” he answered.

He looked over with another sad, weary smile for me. “Jake’s good at cheering people up,” he agreed.

I don’t know why that hit me so hard. The honesty in his voice maybe. “I try,” I mumbled.

He smiled again, then sighed. “Alright, Carlisle, how’s it looking?”

“Much better, Beau, much better.” Carlisle said, sounding pleased.

Royal looked surprised, but not unhappy.

We could all see it—the blood had made an immediate difference. His color was returning—there was a tiny hint of pink in his waxy cheeks. Already he didn’t seem nearly as frail as he had just a few minutes ago. His breathing was easier, and I could swear his heartbeat was stronger, more even.

Everything accelerated.

The ghost of hope in Edward’s eyes had turned into the real thing.

“You really feel better?” Royal pressed.

Beau nodded.

“You don’t feel…” Royal trailed off.

“Wolfy?” Beau’s lips pulled up into a smile.

Royal rolled his eyes, then he glanced at me. “You’re in decent standing, dog.” He narrowed his eyes. “For now.”

“I guess that’s a thank you,” I smirked.

Royal sniffed and turned his head away.

“There does appear to be a marked improvement,” Carlisle mused. “But we’ll need more blood eventually.” He looked thoughtful. “I’m going to go make some notes about this development, if Jacob is still willing I’ll determine when we’ll need to collect more blood… and when it’s safe to collect it.”

He glanced at me, and I nodded.

“I’ll be right back.” Carlisle said.

Beau stared at me while he disappeared.

“Jake, you look awful,” he croaked.

“Look who’s talking.”

“Seriously. You just donated blood—and when’s the last time you slept?”

I thought about that for a second. “Huh. I’m not actually sure.”

“Aw, Jake. Now I’m messing with your health, too. Don’t do that to yourself.”

I dropped my eyes from his. Somehow I always felt so guilty when he scolded me like that.

“Get some rest, please,” he went on. “There’s a few beds upstairs—you’re welcome to any of them.”

The look on Royal’s face made it clear that I wasn’t welcome to one of them. It made me wonder what Sleepless Beauty needed a bed for anyway. Was he that possessive of his props?

“Thanks, babe, but I’d rather sleep on the ground. Away from the stench, you know.”

He grimaced. “Right.”

He really was looking better. He pulled himself forward, being careful of the tubes, and scooted into a sitting position. Royal hovered, his hands ready to catch Beau if he sagged. But Beau didn’t need the help. His breathing continued, steady as his heart.

“How do you feel now?” Carlisle asked walking back into the room.

“Not sick. Sort of hungry actually,” Beau mused, “Man, didn’t think I’d feel hungry again.”

“I think we still have some food in the house,” Royal murmured. “Hopefully nothing has spoiled.”

“Esme ensured the fridge and pantry were well stocked, we should be able to find something,” Carlisle said. “Does anything sound particularly good, Beau?”

“I’ll think about it and let you know,” He said, his voice sounding stronger. He looked up at Edward and they exchanged smiles. Edward’s smile was brittle, but there was more life on his face than before.

I blinked then, and almost forgot how to open my eyes again.

“Jacob,” Edward murmured. “You really should sleep. As Beau said, you’re certainly welcome to the accommodations here, though you’d probably be more comfortable outside. Don’t worry about anything—I promise I’ll find you if there’s a need.”

“Sure, sure,” I mumbled. Now that it appeared Beau had a few more hours, I could escape. Go curl up under a tree somewhere.... Far enough away that the smell couldn’t reach me. The bloodsucker would wake me up if something went wrong. He owed me.

“I do,” Edward agreed.

I nodded and then put my hand on Beau’s. His skin was icy cold again.

“Feel better,” I said.

“Thank you, Jacob. Really.” He turned his hand over and squeezed mine. I felt the thin band of his wedding ring riding loose on his skinny finger. “And I’m sorry.”

“Get him a blanket or something,” I muttered as I turned for the door.

Before I made it, two howls pierced the still morning air. There was no mistaking the urgency of the tone. No misunderstanding this time.

“Dammit,” I snarled, and I threw myself through the door. I hurled my body off the porch, letting the fire rip me apart midair. There was a sharp tearing sound as my shorts shredded. _Crap._ Those were the only clothes I had. Didn’t matter now. I landed on paws and took off toward the west.

 _What is it?_ I shouted in my head.

 _Incoming,_ Seth answered. _At least three._

_Did they split up?_

_I’m running the line back to Seth at the speed of light,_ Liam promised. I could feel the air huffing through his lungs as he pushed himself to an incredible velocity. The forest whipped around him. _So far, no other point of attack._

 _Seth, do_ not _challenge them. Wait for me._

 _They’re slowing. Ugh—it’s so_ off _not being able to hear them. I think..._

_What?_

_I think they’ve stopped._

_Waiting for the rest of the pack?_

_Shh. Feel that?_

I absorbed his impressions. The faint, soundless shimmer in the air.

 _Someone’s phasing? Feels like it,_ Seth agreed.

Liam flew into the small open space where Seth waited. He raked his claws into the dirt, spinning out like a race car.

_Got your back, bro._

_They’re coming,_ Seth said nervously. _Slow. Walking._

 _Almost there,_ I told them. I tried to fly like Liam. It felt horrible being separated from Seth and Liam with potential danger closer to their end than mine. Wrong. I should be with them, between them and whatever was coming.

 _Look who’s getting all paternal,_ Liam thought wryly.

_Head in the game, Liam._

_Four,_ Seth decided. Kid had good ears. _Three wolves, one man._

I made the little clearing then, moving immediately to the point. Seth sighed with relief and then straightened up, already in place at my right shoulder. Liam fell in on my left with a little less enthusiasm.

 _So now I rank under Seth,_ he grumbled to himself.

 _First come, first served,_ Seth thought smugly. _’Sides, you were never an Alpha’s Third before. Still an upgrade._

_Under my baby brother is not an upgrade._

_Shh!_ I complained. _I don’t care where you stand. Shut up and get ready._

They came into view a few seconds later, walking, as Seth had thought. Jared in the front, human, hands up. Paul and Quil and Collin on four legs behind him. There was no aggression in their postures. They hung back behind Jared, ears up, alert but calm.

But... it was weird that Sam would send Collin rather than Embry. That wasn’t what I would do if I were sending a diplomacy party into enemy territory. I wouldn’t send a kid. I’d send the experienced fighter.

 _A diversion?_ Liam thought.

Were Sam, Embry, and Brady making a move alone? That didn’t seem likely.

_Want me to check? I can run the line and be back in two minutes._

_Should I warn the Cullens?_ Seth wondered.

 _What if the point was to divide us?_ I asked. _The Cullens know something’s up. They’re ready._

 _Sam wouldn’t be so stupid...,_ Liam whispered, fear jagged in his mind. He was imagining Sam attacking the Cullens with only the two others beside him.

 _No, he wouldn’t,_ I assured him, though I felt a little sick at the image in his head, too.

All the while, Jared and the three wolves stared at us, waiting. It was eerie not to hear what Quil and Paul and Collin were saying to one another. Their expressions were blank —unreadable.

Jared cleared his throat, and then he nodded to me. “White flag of truce, Jake. We’re here to talk.”

 _Think it’s true?_ Seth asked. _Makes sense, but..._

 _Yeah,_ Liam agreed. _But._

We didn’t relax.

Jared frowned. “It would be easier to talk if I could hear you, too.”

I stared him down. I wasn’t going to phase back until I felt better about this situation. Until it made sense. Why Collin? That was the part that had me most worried.

“Okay. I guess I’ll just talk, then,” Jared said. “Jake, we want you to come back.”

Quil let out a soft whine behind him. Seconding the statement.

“You’ve torn our family apart. It’s not meant to be this way.”

I wasn’t exactly in disagreement with that, but it was hardly the point. There were a few unresolved differences of opinion between me and Sam at the moment.

“We know that you feel... strongly about the situation with the Cullens. We know that’s a problem. But this is an overreaction.”

Seth growled. _Overreaction? And attacking our allies without warning_ isn’t _?_

_Seth, you ever heard of a poker face? Cool it._

_Sorry._

Jared’s eyes flickered to Seth and back to me. “Sam is willing to take this slowly, Jacob. He’s calmed down, talked to the other Elders. They’ve decided that immediate action is in no one’s best interest at this point.”

 _Translation: They’ve already lost the element of surprise,_ Liam thought.

It was weird how distinct our joint thinking was. The pack was already Sam’s pack, was already “them” to us. Something outside and other. It was especially weird to have Liam thinking that way—to have him be a solid part of the “us.”

“Billy and Sue agree with you, Jacob, that we can wait for Beau...” He paused, choosing his words more carefully, “We can wait and see how this illness plays out. Killing him is not something any of us feel comfortable with.”

Though I’d just given Seth crap for it, I couldn’t hold back a small snarl of my own. So they didn’t quite _feel comfortable_ with murder, huh?

Jared raised his hands again. “Easy, Jake. You know what I mean. The point is, we’re going to wait and reassess the situation. Decide later if there’s a problem with the... treaty.”

 _Ha,_ Liam thought. _What a load._

_You don’t buy it?_

_I know what they’re thinking, Jake. What_ Sam’s _thinking. They’re betting on Beau dying anyway. And then they figure you’ll be so torn up..._

 _That I’ll lead the attack myself._ My ears pressed against my skull. What Liam was guessing sounded pretty spot-on. And very possible, too. When... if the disease killed Beau, it was going to be easy to forget how I felt about Carlisle’s family right now. They would probably look like enemies—like no more than bloodsucking leeches—to me all over again.

 _I’ll remind you,_ Seth whispered.

_I know you will, kid. Question is whether I’ll listen to you._

“Jake?” Jared asked.

I huffed a sigh.

 _Liam, make a circuit—just to be sure. I’m going to have to talk to him, and I want to be_ positive _there isn’t anything else going on while I’m phased._

_Give me a break, Jacob. You can phase in front of me. Despite my best efforts, I’ve seen you naked before—doesn’t do much for me, so no worries._

_I’m not trying to protect the innocence of your eyes, I’m trying to protect our backs. Get out of here._

Liam snorted once and then launched himself into the forest. I could hear his claws cutting into the soil, pushing him faster.

Nudity was an inconvenient but unavoidable part of pack life. We’d all thought nothing of it before Liam came along. Then it got awkward. Mostly for Liam and me. Being the only two in the pack who were interested in guys, we sometimes caught each other looking a second longer than we should. It was always super awkward, but it wasn’t like Liam wasn’t worth looking at...

 _Jake. Really?_ Seth shook his head, annoyed. _That’s still my brother._

 _In your dreams, Jacob Black_. Liam thought as he ran, amused and annoyed all at once.

“Where’s he going?” Jared asked, snapping me back to the present situation.

He and the others were staring at the place where Liam had disappeared into the brush with wary expressions.

I ignored him, closing my eyes and pulling myself together again. It felt like the air was trembling around me, shaking out from me in small waves. I lifted myself up on my hind legs, catching the moment just right so that I was fully upright as I shimmered down into my human self.

“Oh,” Jared said. “Hey, Jake.”

“Hey, Jared.”

“Thanks for talking to me.”

“Yeah.”

“We want you to come back, man.”

Quil whined again.

“I don’t know if it’s that easy, Jared.”

“Come home,” he said, leaning forward. Pleading. “We can sort this out. You don’t belong here. Let Seth and Liam come home, too.”

I laughed. “Right. Like I haven’t been begging them to do that from hour one.”

Seth snorted behind me.

Jared assessed that, his eyes cautious again. “So, what now, then?”

I thought that over for a minute while he waited.

“I don’t know. But I’m not sure things could just go back to normal anyway, Jared. I don’t know how it works—it doesn’t feel like I can just turn this Alpha thing off and on as the mood strikes. It feels sort of permanent.”

“You still belong with us.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Two Alphas can’t belong in the same place, Jared. Remember how close it got last night? The instinct is too competitive.”

“So are you all just going to hang out with the parasites for the rest of your lives?” he demanded. “You don’t have a home here. You’re already out of clothes,” he pointed out. “You gonna stay wolf all the time? You know Liam doesn’t like eating that way.”

“Liam can do whatever he wants when he gets hungry. He’s here by his own choice. _I’m_ not telling anyone what to do.”

Jared sighed. “Sam is sorry about what he did to you.”

I nodded. “I’m not angry anymore.”

“But?”

“But I’m not coming back, not now. We’re going to wait and see how it plays out, too. And we’re going to watch out for the Cullens for as long as that seems necessary. Because, despite what you think, this isn’t just about Beau. We’re protecting those who should be protected. And that applies to the Cullens, too.” At least a fair number of them, anyway.

Seth yelped softly in agreement.

Jared frowned. “I guess there’s nothing I can say to you, then.”

“Not now. We’ll see how things go.”

Jared turned to face Seth, concentrating on him now, separate from me. “Sue asked me to tell you—no, to _beg_ you—to come home. She’s brokenhearted, Seth. All alone. I don’t know how you and Liam can do this to her. Abandon her this way, when your dad just barely died—”

Seth whimpered.

“Ease up, Jared,” I warned.

“Just letting him know how it is.”

I snorted. “Right.” Sue was tougher than anyone I knew. Tougher than my dad, tougher than me. Tough enough to play on her kids’ sympathies if that’s what it took to get them home. But it wasn’t fair to work Seth that way. “Sue’s known about this for how many hours now? And most of that time spent with Billy and Old Quil and Sam? Yeah, I’m sure she’s just perishing of loneliness. ’Course you’re free to go if you want, Seth. You know that.”

Seth sniffed.

Then, a second later, he cocked an ear to the north. Liam must be close. Jeez, he was fast. Two beats, and Liam skidded to a stop in the brush a few yards away. He trotted in, taking the point in front of Seth. He kept his nose in the air, very obviously not looking in my direction.

I appreciated that.

“Liam?” Jared asked.

He met Jared’s gaze, his muzzle pulling back a little over his teeth.

Jared didn’t seem surprised by his hostility. “Liam, you _know_ you don’t want to be here.”

He snarled at him. I gave Liam a warning glance he didn’t see. Seth whined and nudged him with his shoulder.

“Sorry,” Jared said. “Guess I shouldn’t assume. But you don’t have any ties to the bloodsuckers.”

Liam very deliberately looked at his brother and then at me.

“So you want to watch out for Seth, I get that,” Jared said. His eyes touched my face and then went back to Liam’s. Probably wondering about that second look—just like I was. “But Jake’s not going to let anything happen to him, and he’s not afraid to be here.” Jared made a face. “Anyway, _please_ , Liam. We want you back. Sam wants you back.”

Liam’s tail twitched.

“Sam told me to beg. He told me to literally get down on my knees if I have to. He wants you home, Lee-Lee, where you belong.”

I saw Liam flinch when Jared used Sam’s old nickname for him. And then, when he added those last three words, his hackles rose and he was yowling a long stream of snarls through his teeth. I didn’t have to be in his head to hear the cussing-out he was giving Jared, and neither did he. You could almost hear the exact words Liam was using.

I waited till he was done. “I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Liam belongs wherever he wants to be.”

Liam growled, but, as he was glaring at Jared, I figured it was in agreement.

“Look, Jared, we’re still family, okay? We’ll get past the feud, but, until we do, you probably ought to stick to your land. Just so there aren’t misunderstandings. Nobody wants a family brawl, right? Sam doesn’t want that, either, does he?”

“Of course, not,” Jared snapped. “We’ll stick to our land. But where is _your_ land, Jacob? Is it vampire land?”

“No, Jared. Homeless at the moment. But don’t worry—this isn’t going to last forever.” I had to take a breath. “There’s not that much time... left. Okay? Then the Cullens will probably go, and Seth and Liam will come home.”

Liam and Seth whined together, their noses turning my direction in synchronization.

“And what about you, Jake?”

“Back to the forest, I think. I can’t really stick around La Push. Two Alphas means too much tension. ’Sides, I was headed that way anyway. Before this mess.”

“What if we need to talk?” Jared asked.

“Howl—but watch the line, ’kay? We’ll come to you. And Sam doesn’t need to send so many. We aren’t looking for a fight.”

Jared scowled, but nodded. He didn’t like me setting conditions for Sam. “See you around, Jake. Or not.” He waved halfheartedly.

“Wait, Jared. Is Embry okay?”

Surprise crossed his face. “Embry? Sure, he’s fine. Why?”

“Just wondering why Sam sent Collin.”

I watched his reaction, still suspicious that something was going on. I saw knowledge flash in his eyes, but it didn’t look like the kind I was expecting.

“That’s not really your business anymore, Jake.”

“Guess not. Just curious.”

I saw a twitch from the corner of my eye, but I didn’t acknowledge it, because I didn’t want to give Quil away. He was reacting to the subject.

“I’ll let Sam know about your... instructions. Goodbye, Jacob.”

I sighed. “Yeah. Bye, Jared. Hey, tell my dad that I’m okay, will you? And that I’m sorry, and that I love him.”

“I’ll pass that along.”

“Thanks.”

“C’mon, guys,” Jared said. He turned away from us, tugging his clothes off as he prepared to phase. Paul and Collin were right on his heels, but Quil hesitated. He yelped softly, and I took a step toward him.

“Yeah, I miss you, too, bro.”

Quil jogged over to me, his head hanging down morosely. I patted his shoulder. “It’ll be okay.”

He whined.

“Tell Embry I miss having you two on my flanks.”

He nodded and then pressed his nose to my forehead. Liam snorted. Quil looked up, but not at him. He looked back over his shoulder at where the others had gone.

“Yeah, go home,” I told him.

Quil yelped again and then took off after the others. I’d bet Jared wasn’t waiting super- patiently. As soon as he was gone, I pulled the warmth from the center of my body and let it surge through my limbs. In a flash of heat, I was on four legs again.

 _Thought you were going to make out with him,_ Liam snickered. I ignored him.

 _Was that okay?_ I asked them. It worried me, speaking _for_ them that way, when I couldn’t hear exactly what they were thinking. I didn’t want to assume anything. I didn’t want to be like Jared that way. _Did I say anything you didn’t want me to? Did I_ not _say something I should have?_

 _You did great, Jake!_ Seth encouraged.

 _You could have hit Jared,_ Liam thought. _I wouldn’t have minded that._

 _I guess we know why Embry wasn’t allowed to come,_ Seth thought.

I didn’t understand. _Not allowed?_

_Jake, didya see Quil? He’s pretty torn up, right? I’d put ten to one that Embry’s even more upset. And Embry doesn’t have an Elise. There’s no way Quil can just pick up and walk away from La Push. Embry might. So Sam’s not going to take any chances on him getting convinced to jump ship. He doesn’t want our pack any bigger than it is now._

_Really? You think? I doubt Embry would mind shredding some Cullens._

_But he’s your best friend, Jake. He and Quil would rather stand behind you than face you in a fight._

_Well, I’m glad Sam kept him home, then. This pack is big enough._ I sighed.  _Okay, then. So we’re good, for now. Seth, you mind keeping an eye on things for a while? Liam and I both need to crash. This_ felt _on the level, but who knows? Maybe it was a distraction._

I wasn’t always so paranoid, but I remembered the feel of Sam’s commitment. The total one-track focus on destroying the danger he saw. Would he take advantage of the fact that he could lie to us now?

 _No problem!_ Seth was only too eager to do whatever he could. _You want me to explain to the Cullens? They’re probably still kinda tense._

_I got it. I want to check things out anyway._

They caught the whir of images from my fried brain.

Seth whimpered in surprise. _Whoa_.

Liam tilted his head to the side, curiously. _That’s… Huh. Well, if it works, I guess.._

 _Hey, maybe  you passed some of your healing powers to Beau!_ Seth thought excitedly,  _Maybe you’re making him better! That would be so cool!_

Both Liam and I stared at him.

_What?_

_Mom dropped him a lot when he was a baby,_ Liam told me.

 _On his head, apparently._ I mused.

_He used to gnaw on the crib bars, too._

_Lead paint?_

_Looks like it,_ Liam thought.

Seth snorted. _Funny. Why don’t you two shut up and sleep?_


	14. You Know Things Are Bad When You Feel Guilty For Being Rude to Vampires

When I got back to the house, there was no one waiting outside for my report. Still on alert?

 _Everything’s cool,_ I thought tiredly.

My eyes quickly caught a small change in the now-familiar scene. There was a stack of light-colored fabric on the bottom step of the porch. I loped over to investigate. Holding my breath, because the vampire smell stuck to the fabric like you wouldn’t believe, I nudged the stack with my nose.

Someone had laid out clothes. Huh. Edward must have caught my moment of irritation as I’d bolted out the door. Well. That was... nice. And weird.

I took the clothes gingerly between my teeth—ugh—and carried them back to the trees. Just in case this was some joke by the blond psychopath and I had a bunch of the little psychic’s stuff here. Bet he’d love to see the look on my human face as I stood there naked, holding a tiny sundress.

In the cover of the trees, I dropped the stinking pile and shifted back to human. I shook the clothes out, snapping them against a tree to beat some of the smell from them. They were definitely guy’s clothes—tan pants and a white button-down shirt. Neither of them long enough, but they looked like they’d fit around me. Must be Emmett’s. I rolled the cuffs up on the shirtsleeves, but there wasn’t much I could do about the pants. Oh well.

I had to admit, I felt better with some clothes to my name, even stinky ones that didn’t quite fit. It was hard not being able to just jet back home and grab another pair of old sweatpants when I needed them. The homeless thing again—not having anyplace to go _back_ to. No possessions, either, which wasn’t bothering me too bad now, but would probably get annoying soon.

Exhausted, I walked slowly up the Cullens’ porch steps in my fancy new secondhand clothes but hesitated when I got to the door. Did I knock? Stupid, when they knew I was here. I wondered why no one acknowledged that—told me either to _come in_ or _get lost_. Whatever. I shrugged and let myself in.

More changes. The room had shifted back to normal—almost—in the last twenty minutes. The big flat-screen was on, low volume, showing some chick flick that no one seemed to be watching. Carlisle and Esme stood by the back windows, which were open to the river again. Alice, Jasper, and Emmett were out of sight, but I heard them murmuring upstairs. Beau was on the couch like yesterday, with just one tube still hooked into him, and an IV hanging behind the back of the sofa. He was wrapped up like a burrito in a couple of thick quilts, so at least they’d listened to me before. Royal was cross-legged on the ground by Beau’s head. Edward sat at the other end of the couch with Beau’s burrito’ed feet in his lap. He looked up when I came in and smiled at me— just a little twitch of his mouth—like something pleased him.

Beau didn’t hear me. He only glanced up when Edward did, and then he smiled, too. There was more energy in his face than before, but there was still something sad in his smile. Behind his eyes. There was something else there, too. It was a desperateness in his smile. It wasn’t… It wasn’t the way he looked at Edward. It wasn’t the loving way he would look at his precious vampire.

But what _was_ it? I didn’t understand it. It made me hurt. Hurt because I knew he wasn’t ever going to love me, not like he loved Edward. And it made me hurt because there was still something in that smile. Not love, or maybe it was. It just wasn’t the kind of love I wanted from him.

Edward was frowning a bit now. His eyes drifted over to Beau, like he was trying to understand the emotions behind Beau’s eyes just as much as I was.

“They just wanted to talk,” I mumbled, my voice dragging with exhaustion. “No attack on the horizon.”

“Yes,” Edward answered. “I heard most of it.”

 That woke me up a little. We’d been a good three miles out. “How?”

“I’m hearing you more clearly—it’s a matter of familiarity and concentration. Also, your thoughts are slightly easier to pick up when you’re in your human form. So I caught most of what passed out there.”

“Oh.” It bugged me a little, but for no good reason, so I shrugged it off. “Good. I hate repeating myself.”

“I’d tell you to go get some sleep,” Beau said, “but my guess is that you’re going to pass out on the floor in about six seconds, so there’s probably no point.”

It was amazing how much better he sounded, how much stronger he looked. I was pleased, in a weird way, knowing it was my blood that had helped him so much. At least there was _something_ I could do for Beau.

I headed for the door, counting off the seconds for him as I walked. “One Mississippi... two Mississippi . . .”

“Where’s the flood, mutt?” Royal muttered.

“You know how you drown a blond, Royal?” I asked without stopping or turning to look at him. “Glue a mirror to the bottom of a pool.”

I heard Edward chuckle as I pulled the door shut. His mood seemed to improve in exact correlation to Beau’s health.

“I’ve already heard that one,” Royal called after me.

I trudged down the steps, my only goal to drag myself far enough into the trees that the air would be pure again. I planned to ditch the clothes a convenient distance from the house for future use rather than tying them to my leg, so I wouldn’t be smelling them, either. As I fumbled with the buttons on the new shirt, I thought randomly about how buttons would never be in style for werewolves.

I heard the voices while I slogged across the lawn.

“Where are you going?” Beau asked.

“There was something I forgot to say to him.”

“Let Jacob sleep—it can wait.”

Yes, _please_ , let Jacob sleep.

“It will only take a moment.”

I turned slowly. Edward was already out the door. He had an apology in his expression as he approached me.

“Jeez, what _now_?”

“I’m sorry,” he said, and then he hesitated, like he didn’t know how to phrase what he was thinking.

_What’s on your mind, mind reader?_

“When you were speaking to Sam’s delegates earlier,” he murmured, “I was giving a play-by-play for Carlisle and Esme and the rest. They were concerned—”

“Look, we’re not dropping our guard. You don’t have to believe Sam like we do. We’re keeping our eyes open regardless.”

“No, no, Jacob. Not about that. We trust your judgment. Rather, Esme was troubled by the hardships this is putting your pack through. She asked me to speak to you privately about it.”

That took me off guard. “Hardships?”

“The _homeless_ part, particularly. She’s very upset that you are all so... bereft.”

I snorted. Vampire mother hen—bizarre. “We’re tough. Tell her not to worry.”

“She’d still like to do what she can. I got the impression that Liam prefers not to eat in his wolf form?”

“And?” I demanded.

“Well, we do have normal human food here, Jacob. Keeping up appearances, and, of course, for Beau. Liam is welcome to anything he’d like. All of you are.”

“I’ll pass that along.”

“Liam hates us.”

“So?”

“So try to pass it along in such a way as to make him consider it, if you don’t mind.”

“I’ll do what I can.”

“And then there’s the matter of clothes.”

I glanced down at the ones I was wearing. “Oh yeah. Thanks.” It probably wouldn’t be good manners to mention how bad they reeked.

He smiled, just a little. “Well, we’re easily able to help out with any needs there. Alice rarely allows us to wear the same thing twice. We’ve got piles of brand-new clothes that are destined for Goodwill, and I’d imagine that Liam is fairly close to Jasper’s size…”

“Not sure how he’ll feel about bloodsucker castoffs. He’s not as practical as I am.”

“I trust that you can present the offer in the best possible light. As well as the offer for any other physical object you might need, or transportation, or anything else at all. And showers, too, since you prefer to sleep outdoors. Please... don’t consider yourselves without the benefits of a home.”

He said the last line softly—not trying to keep quiet this time, but with some kind of real emotion.

I stared at him for a second, blinking sleepily. “That’s, er, nice of you. Tell Esme we appreciate the, uh, thought. But the perimeter cuts through the river in a few places, so we stay pretty clean, thanks.”

“If you would pass the offer on, regardless.”

“Sure, sure.”

“Thank you.”

I turned away from him, only to stop cold when I heard a dull thud, and the low, pained cry from inside the house. By the time I looked back, he was already gone.

What _now_?

I followed after him, shuffling like a zombie. Using about the same number of brain cells, too. It didn’t feel like I had a choice. Something was wrong. I would go see what it was. There would be nothing I could do. And I would feel worse.

It seemed inevitable.

I let myself in again. Beau was on the floor in front of the couch panting. Royal held him while Edward, Carlisle, and Esme all hovered. A flicker of motion caught my eye; Alice was at the top of the stairs, staring down into the room with her hands pressed to her temples. It was weird—like she was barred from entering somehow.

“Give me a second, Carlisle,” Beau panted.

“Beau,” the doctor said anxiously, “I heard something crack. I need to take a look.”

“Pretty sure”—pant—“it was a rib. Ow. Yep. Right here.” He pointed to his left side, careful not to touch.

“What happened?” I demanded.

“My fault,” Beau winced, “I tried to stand up, I fell, no big deal.”

“I need to take an X-ray to assess the damage.”

Beau took a deep breath. “Okay.”

Royal lifted Beau carefully. Edward seemed like he was going to argue, but Royal bared his teeth at him and growled, “I’ve already got him.”

So Beau was stronger now, but he was still weak—fragile. No way to win.

Blondie carried Beau swiftly up the big staircase with Carlisle and Edward right on his heels, none of them taking any notice of me standing dumbstruck in the doorway.

So they had a blood bank _and_ an X-ray machine? Guess the doc brought his work home with him.

I was too tired to follow them, too tired to move. I leaned back against the wall and then slid to the ground. The door was still open, and I pointed my nose toward it, grateful for the clean breeze blowing in. I leaned my head against the jamb and listened.

I could hear the sound of the X-ray machinery upstairs. Or maybe I just assumed that’s what it was. And then the lightest of footsteps coming down the stairs. I didn’t look to see which vampire it was.

“Do you want a pillow?” Alice asked me.

“No,” I mumbled. What was with the pushy hospitality? It was creeping me out.

“That doesn’t look comfortable,” she observed.

“S’not.”

“Why don’t you move, then?”

“Tired. Why aren’t you upstairs with the rest of them?” I shot back.

“Headache,” she answered.

I rolled my head around to look at her.

Alice was a tiny little thing. ’Bout the size of one of my arms. She looked even smaller now, sort of hunched in on herself. Her small face was pinched.

“Vampires get headaches?”

“Not the normal ones.”

I snorted. Normal vampires.

“So how come you’re never with Beau anymore?” I asked, making the question an accusation. It hadn’t occurred to me before, because my head had been full of other crap, but it was weird that Alice was never around Beau, not since I’d been here. Maybe if Alice were by his side, Royal _wouldn’t_ be. “Thought you two were like this.” I twisted two of my fingers together.

“Like I said”—she curled up on the tile a few feet from me, wrapping her skinny arms around her skinny knees—“headache.”

“Beau’s giving you a headache?”

“Yes.”

I frowned. Pretty sure I was too tired for riddles. I let my head roll back around toward the fresh air and closed my eyes.

“Not Beau, really,” she amended. “his illness.”

I turned my head slightly to look at her, she seemed deeply annoyed.

“It changes so quickly,” she told me, though she might have been talking to herself. For all she knew, I was already gone. “At first, I saw Beau die. Then I saw him better. Then a vampire. Then dead again. The disease changes so quickly, and Beau’s future changes with it. But it changes so suddenly and quickly it’s like he’s… blurry. Like bad reception on a TV—like trying to focus your eyes on those fuzzy people jerking around on the screen. It’s killing my head to watch him. And I can’t see more than a few minutes ahead, anyway. And when he first decided... when he knew he wanted to stay human, he blurred right out of my sight. Scared me to death.”

She was quiet for a second, and then she added, “I have to admit, it’s a relief having you close by—in spite of the wet-dog smell. I can’t see you. Everything goes away. Like having my eyes closed. It numbs the headache.”

“Happy to be of service, ma’am,” I mumbled.

“I just wish I could be more useful,” she finally said.

“I know the feeling,” I sighed.

“You don’t mind if I sit here by you, do you?” she asked.

“Guess not. Stinks anyway.”

“Thanks,” she said. “This is the best thing for it, I guess, since I can’t take aspirin.”

“Could you keep it down? Sleeping, here.”

She didn’t respond, immediately lapsing into silence. I was out in seconds.

 

I was dreaming that I was really thirsty. And there was a big glass of water in front of me—all cold, you could see the condensation running down the sides. I grabbed the cup and took a huge gulp, only to find out pretty quick that it wasn’t water—it was straight bleach. I choked it back out, spewing it everywhere, and a bunch of it blew out of my nose. It burned. My nose was on fire....

The pain in my nose woke me up enough to remember where I’d fallen asleep. The smell was pretty fierce, considering that my nose wasn’t actually inside the house. Ugh. And it was noisy. Someone was laughing too loud. A familiar laugh, but one that didn’t go with the smell. Didn’t belong.

I groaned and opened my eyes. The skies were dull gray—it was daytime, but no clue as to when. Maybe close to sunset—it was pretty dark.

“About time,” Blondie mumbled from not too far away. “The chainsaw impersonation was getting a little tired.”

I rolled over and wrenched myself into a sitting position. In the process, I figured out where the smell was coming from. Someone had stuffed a wide feather pillow under my face. Probably _trying_ to be nice, I’d guess. Unless it’d been Royal.

Once my face was out of the stinking feathers, I caught other scents. Like bacon and cinnamon, all mixed up with the vampire smell.

I blinked, taking in the room.

Things hadn’t changed too much, except that now Beau was sitting up in the middle of the sofa, and the IV was gone. Blondie sat at his feet, his head resting against Beau’s knees. Still gave me chills to see how casually they touched him, though I guess that was pretty brain-dead, all things considered. Edward was on one side of Beau, holding his hand. Alice was on the floor, too, like Royal. Her face wasn’t pinched up now. And it was easy to see why—she’d found another painkiller.

“Hey, Jake’s coming around!” Seth crowed.

He was sitting on Beau’s other side, looking like he had just had a shower, his arm slung carelessly over his shoulders, an overflowing plate of food on his lap.

What the hell?

“He came to find you,” Edward said while I got to my feet. “And Esme convinced him to stay for breakfast.”

Seth took in my expression, and he hurried to explain. “Yeah, Jake—I was just checking to see if you were okay ’cause you didn’t ever phase back. Liam got worried. I _told_ him you probably just crashed human, but you know how Liam is. Anyway, they had all this food and, dang,”—he turned to Edward—“man, you can _cook_.”

“Thank you,” Edward murmured.

I inhaled slowly, trying to unclench my teeth. I couldn’t take my eyes of Seth’s arm.

“Beau got cold,” Edward said quietly.

Right. None of my business, anyway. He wasn’t mine to be jealous about.

Seth heard Edward’s comment, looked at my face, and suddenly he needed both hands to eat with. He took his arm off Beau and dug in. I walked over to stand a few feet from the couch, still trying to get my bearings.

“Liam running patrol?” I asked Seth. My voice was still thick with sleep.

“Yeah,” he said as he chewed. Seth had new clothes on, too. They fit him better than mine fit me. “He’s on it. No worries. He’ll howl if there’s anything. We traded off around midnight. I ran twelve hours.” He was proud of that, and it showed in his tone.

“Midnight? Wait a minute—what time is it now?”

“’Bout dawn.” He glanced toward the window, checking.

Well, _damn_. I’d slept through the rest of the day and the whole night—dropped the ball. “Crap. Sorry about that, Seth. Really. You shoulda kicked me awake.”

“Naw, man, you needed some serious sleep. You haven’t taken a break since when? Night before your last patrol for Sam? Like forty hours? Fifty? You’re not a machine, Jake. ’Sides, you didn’t miss anything at all.”

Nothing at all? I glanced quickly at Beau. His color was back to the way I remembered it. Pale, but with the rose undertone. His lips were pink again. Even His hair looked better—shinier. He saw me appraising and gave me a grin. There was something off about his smile, again. But I still couldn’t figure what.

“How’s the rib?” I asked.

“Taped up nice and tight. I don’t even feel it.”

I rolled my eyes. I heard Edward grind his teeth together, and I figured Beau’s blow-it-off attitude bugged him as much at it bugged me.

“What’s for breakfast?” I asked, a little sarcastic. “Did the vampire prepare a five-star, three course meal?”

Beau stuck his tongue out at me. Totally himself again. “Omelets and cinnamon rolls!” He said enthusiastically, but his eyes darted down to his plate. There were a few saltine crackers and some apple slices. “Well, for those of us who can stomach that much.”

“Go get some breakfast, Jake,” Seth said. “There’s a bunch in the kitchen. You’ve got to be empty.”

I examined the food in his lap. Looked like half a cheese omelet and the last fourth of a Frisbee-sized cinnamon roll. My stomach growled, but I ignored it.

“What’s Liam having for breakfast?” I asked Seth critically.

“Hey, I took food to him before I ate _anything_ ,” he defended himself. “He said he’d rather eat roadkill, but I bet he caves. These cinnamon rolls... ” He seemed at a loss for words.

“I’ll go hunt with him, then.”

Seth sighed as I turned to leave.

“A moment, Jacob?”

It was Carlisle asking, so when I turned around again, my face was probably less disrespectful than it would have been if anyone else had stopped me.

“Yeah?”

Carlisle approached me while Esme drifted off toward the other room. He stopped a few feet away, just a little bit farther away than the normal space between two humans having a conversation. I appreciated him giving me my space.

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you, if you’re still willing, to donate more blood for Beau. In normal circumstances, it would be far too soon. However, I believe your regenerative abilities may compensate for another donation so quickly.”

“Sure, sure. You wanna do it now?” I asked.

“In a moment,” he hesitated. “There was something else.”

“What is it?”

“Well, speaking of hunting,” he began in a somber tone. “That’s going to be an issue for my family. I understand that our previous truce is inoperative at the moment, so I wanted your advice. Will Sam be hunting for us outside of the perimeter you’ve created? We don’t want to take a chance with hurting any of your family—or losing any of ours. If you were in our shoes, how would you proceed?”

I leaned away, a little surprised, when he threw it back at me like that. What would I know about being in a bloodsucker’s expensive shoes? But, then again, I did know Sam.

“It’s a risk,” I said, trying to ignore the other eyes I felt on me and to talk only to him. “Sam’s calmed down some, but I’m pretty sure that in his head, the treaty is void. As long as he thinks the tribe, or any other human, is in real danger, he’s not going to ask questions first, if you know what I mean. But, with all that, his priority is going to be La Push. There really aren’t enough of them to keep a decent watch on the people while putting out hunting parties big enough to do much damage. I’d bet he’s keeping it close to home.”

Carlisle nodded thoughtfully.

“So I guess I’d say, go out together, just in case. And probably you should go in the day, ’cause we’d be expecting night. Traditional vampire stuff. You’re fast—go over the mountains and hunt far enough away that there’s no chance he’d send anyone that far from home.”

“And leave Beau behind, unprotected?”

I snorted. “What are we, chopped liver?”

Carlisle laughed, and then his face was serious again. “Jacob, you can’t fight against your brothers.”

My eyes tightened. “I’m not saying it wouldn’t be hard, but if they were really coming to kill him—I would be able to stop them.”

Carlisle shook his head, anxious. “No, I didn’t mean that you would be... incapable. But that it would be very wrong. I can’t have that on my conscience.”

“It wouldn’t be on yours, Doc. It would be on mine. And I can take it.”

“No, Jacob. We will make sure that our actions don’t make that a necessity.” He frowned thoughtfully “We’ll go three at a time,” he decided after a second. “That’s probably the best we can do.”

“I don’t know, Doc. Dividing down the middle isn’t the best strategy.”

“We’ve got some extra abilities that will even it up. If Edward is one of the three, he’ll be able to give us a few miles’ radius of safety.”

We both glanced at Edward. His expression had Carlisle backtracking quickly.

“I’m sure there are other ways, too,” Carlisle said. Clearly, there was no physical need strong enough to get Edward away from Beau now. “Alice, I would imagine you could see which routes would be a mistake?”

“The ones that disappear,” Alice said, nodding. “Easy.”

Edward, who had gone all tense with Carlisle’s first plan, loosened up. Beau was staring unhappily at Alice, that little crease between his eyes that he got when he was stressed out.

“Okay, then,” I said. “That’s settled. After we’re done with the bloodletting, I’ll just be on my way. Seth, I’ll expect you back on at dusk, so get a nap in there somewhere, all right?”

“Sure, Jake. I’ll phase back soon as I’m done. Unless...” he hesitated, looking at Beau. “Do you need me?”

“He’s got blankets,” I snapped at him.

“I’m fine, Seth, thanks,” Beau said quickly.

And then Esme flitted back in the room, a big covered dish in her hands. She stopped hesitantly just behind Carlisle’s elbow, her wide, dark gold eyes on my face. She held the dish out and took a shy step closer.

“Jacob,” she said quietly. Her voice wasn’t quite so piercing as the others’. “I know it’s... unappetizing to you, the idea of eating here, where it smells so unpleasant. But I would feel much better if you would take some food with you when you go. I know you can’t go home, and that’s because of us. Please—ease some of my remorse. Take something to eat.” She held the food out to me, her face all soft and pleading. I don’t know how she did it, because she didn’t look older than her mid-twenties, and she was bone pale, too, but something about her expression suddenly reminded me of my mom.

Jeez.

“Uh, sure, sure,” I mumbled. “I guess. Maybe Liam’s still hungry or something.”

I reached out and took the food with one hand. I mean, food was food, so I guessed it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to eat it.

“Thank you, Jacob,” Esme said, smiling at me. How did a stone face have _dimples_ , for crying out loud?

“Um, thank you,” I said. My face felt hot—hotter than usual.

This was the problem with hanging out with vampires—you got used to them. They started messing up the way you saw the world. They started feeling like friends.

“Jacob, if you don’t mind coming upstairs? We’ll be quick.” Carlisle said gently.

Oh, right, more blood donation.

“Will you come back later, Jake?” Beau asked as I tried to make a run for the stairs

“Uh, I don’t know.”

He pressed his lips together, like he wanted to say something but changed his mind. “It’s up to you, Jake. No pressure. But… if you’d like to…” He trailed off.

I inhaled deeply through my nose, and then realized, too late, that that was not a good idea. I winced. “Maybe.”

“Jacob?” Esme asked. I turned toward her as she continued; she took a few steps after me. “I left a basket of clothes on the porch. They’re for Liam. They’re freshly washed—I tried to touch them as little as possible.” She frowned. “Do you mind taking them to him?”

“On it,” I muttered, and then I hurried up the stairs before anyone could guilt me into anything else.


	15. Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock

_Hey Jake, thought you said you wanted me at dusk. How come you didn’t have Liam wake me up before he crashed?_

_’Cause I didn’t need you. I’m still good._

He was already picking up the north half of the circle. _Anything?_

_Nope. Nothing but nothing._

_You did some scouting?_

He’d caught the edge of one of my side trips. He headed up the new trail.

_Yeah—I ran a few spokes. You know, just checking. If the Cullens are going to make a hunting trip..._

_Good call._

Seth looped back toward the main perimeter.

It was easier to run with Seth than it was to do the same with Liam. Though Liam was trying—trying hard—there was always an edge to his thoughts. He didn’t want to be here. He didn’t want to feel the softening toward the vampires that was going on in my head. He didn’t want to deal with Seth’s cozy friendship with them, a friendship that was only getting stronger.

Funny, though, I’d’ve thought his biggest issue would just be _me_. We’d always gotten on each other’s nerves when we were in Sam’s pack. But there was no antagonism toward me now at all, just the Cullens and Beau. I wondered why. Maybe it was simply gratitude that I wasn’t forcing him to leave. Maybe it was because I understood his hostility better now. Whichever, running with Liam wasn’t nearly as bad as I’d expected.

Of course, he had made a pretty big fuss when I brought the food and clothes Esme had sent for him. At first he threatened to chuck them in the river. I’d decided to ignore his threats and sit down and eat my share—it did smell nearly irresistible away from the vampire burn. After a while he calmed down and begrudgingly ate some of the food. Then he took to sulking.

 _Maybe we should run a sweep east?_ Seth suggested. _Go deep, see if they’re out there waiting._

 _I was thinking about that,_ I agreed. _But let’s do it when we’re all awake. I don’t want to let down our guard. We should do it before the Cullens give it a try, though. Soon._

_Right._

That got me thinking.

If the Cullens were able to get out of the immediate area safely, they really ought to keep on going. They probably should have taken off the second we’d come to warn them. They had to be able to afford other digs. And they had friends up north, right? Take Beau and run. It seemed like an obvious answer to their problems.

I probably ought to suggest that, but I was afraid they would listen to me. And I didn’t want to have Beau disappear—to never know whether he’d made it or not.

No, that was stupid. I would tell them to go. It made no sense for them to stay, and it would be better—not less painful, but healthier—for me if Beau left.

Easy to say now, when Beau wasn’t right there, looking all sad at me and also clinging to life by his fingernails at the same time...

 _Oh, I already asked Edward about that,_ Seth thought.

_What?_

_I asked him why they hadn’t taken off yet. Gone up to Taras’ place or something. Somewhere too far for Sam to come after them._

I had to remind myself that I’d just decided to give the Cullens that exact advice. That it was best. So I shouldn’t be mad at Seth for taking the chore out of my hands. Not mad at all.

_So what did he say? Are they waiting for a window?_

_No. They’re not leaving._

And that shouldn’t sound like good news.

_Why not? That’s just stupid._

_Not really,_ Seth said, defensive now.   _Edward doesn’t want to take any risks moving Beau._

_He’s better than he was._

_Seriously,_ Seth agreed. In his head, he was comparing my memories of Beau hooked up to the tubes with the last time he’d seen him as he’d left the house. Beau had smiled at him and waved. _But he can’t move around much, you know. And his body is still pretty weak. Just one little tumble off the couch and he broke a freaking rib!_

I swallowed back the pain. _I know, I was there._

 _Oh,_ his thoughts grew somber _, no, it happened earlier after you left. So I guess he’s broken two now._

My stride faltered, and I staggered a step before I regained my rhythm.

_Carlisle taped him up again. Just another crack, he said. Then Royal said something about how humans fall and crack ribs all the time. Edward looked like he was gonna rip his head off._

_Too bad he didn’t._

Seth was in full report mode now—knowing it was all vitally interesting to me, though I’d never’ve asked to hear it. _Beau’s been running a fever off and on today. Just low grade—sweats and then chills. Carlisle’s not sure what to make of it—the disease keeps… mutating, I guess._

_Yeah, Carlisle mentioned that before._

_Beau’s in a decent mood, though. I mean, sometimes he seemed really sad. Like he was thinking about something._

_Oh, so now he’s thinking?_ Given the entire situation, I found that unlikely.

_It’s weird, sometimes he just looks so sad, but then he’ll snap out of it and be totally fine. Like when was chatting with Charlie, laughing and all—_

_Charlie!_ What?! _What do you mean, he was talking to Charlie?!_

Now Seth’s pace stuttered; my fury surprised him. _Guess he calls every day to talk to him. Sometimes Beau’s mom calls, too. Beau sounds so much better now, so he was reassuring them that he was on the mend—_

 _On the_ mend _? What the_ hell _are they thinking?! Get Charlie’s hopes up just so that he can be destroyed even worse if he dies? I thought they were getting him ready for that! Trying to prepare him! Why would Beau set him up like this?_

 _He might not die,_ Seth thought quietly.

I took deep breath, trying to calm myself. _Seth. You know how badly I want to believe he’s going to pull through this. But chances are he won’t. The second he’s strong enough they’re going to have to… to…_ I couldn’t think the words _. Anyway, he knows that, and so do the rest of them. If he doesn’t die, he’s going to have to do a pretty convincing impersonation of a corpse, kid. Either that, or disappear. I thought they were trying to make this easier on Charlie. Why... ?_

_Think it’s Beau’s idea. No one said anything, but Edward’s face kinda went right along with what you’re thinking now._

On the same wavelength with the bloodsucker yet again.

We ran in silence for a few minutes. I started off along a new line, probing south.

_Don’t get too far._

_Why?_

_Beau asked me to ask you to stop by._

My teeth locked together.

 _Alice wants you, too. She says she’s tired of hanging out in the attic like the vampire bat in the belfry._ Seth snorted a laugh. _I was switching off with Edward before. Trying to keep Beau’s temperature stable. Cold to hot, as needed. I guess, if you don’t want to do it, I could go back—_

 _No. I got it,_ I snapped.

 _Okay._ Seth didn’t make any more comments. He concentrated very hard on the empty forest.

I kept my southern course, searching for anything new. I turned around when I got close to the first signs of habitation. Not near the town yet, but I didn’t want to get any wolf rumors going again. We’d been nice and invisible for a long while now.

I passed right through the perimeter on my way back, heading for the house. As much as I knew it was a stupid thing to do, I couldn’t stop myself. I must be some kind of masochist.

_There’s nothing wrong with you, Jake. This isn’t the most normal situation._

_Shut up, please, Seth._

_Shutting._

I didn’t hesitate at the door this time; I just walked through like I owned the place. I figured that would piss Royal off, but it was a wasted effort. Neither Royal or Beau were anywhere in sight. I looked around wildly, hoping I’d missed them somewhere, my heart squeezing against my ribs in a weird, uncomfortable way.

“He’s all right,” Edward whispered. “Or, the same, I should say.”

Edward was on the couch with his face in his hands; he hadn’t looked up to speak. Esme was next to him, her arm wrapped tight around his shoulders.

“Hello, Jacob,” she said. “I’m so glad you came back.”

“Me, too,” Alice said with a deep sigh. She came prancing down the stairs, making a face. Like I was late for an appointment.

“Uh, hey,” I said. It felt weird to try to be polite. “Where’s Beau?”

“Bathroom,” Alice told me. “Mostly fluid diet, you know.”

“Ah.”

I stood there awkwardly, rocking back and forth on my heels.

“Oh, wonderful,” Royal grumbled. I whipped my head around and saw him coming from a hall half-hidden behind the stairway. He had Beau cradled gently in his arms, a harsh sneer on his face for me. “I knew I smelled something nasty.”

And, just like before, Beau’s face had that same sad smile. It was full of something I couldn’t place, something that made me ache and scared me all at once.

It was so unfair.

“Jacob,” he said. “You came.”

“Hi, babe.”

Esme and Edward both got up. I watched how carefully Royal laid Beau out on the couch. I watched how, despite that, Beau turned white and held his breath—like he was set on not making any noise no matter how much it hurt.

Edward brushed his hand across Beau’s forehead and then along his neck. He tried to make it look as if he was just sweeping his hair back, but it looked like a doctor’s examination to me.

“Are you cold?” he murmured.

“I’m fine.”

“Beau, you know what Carlisle told you,” Royal said. “Don’t downplay _anything_. It doesn’t help us take care of you.”

“Okay, I’m a little cold. Edward, can you hand me that blanket?”

I rolled my eyes. “Isn’t that sort of the point of me being here?”

“You just walked in,” Beau said. “After running all day, I’d bet. Put your feet up for a minute. I’ll probably warm up again in no time.”

I ignored him, going to sit on the floor next the sofa while he was still telling me what to do. At that point, though, I wasn’t sure how.... he looked pretty brittle, and I was afraid to move him, even to put my arms around him. So I just leaned carefully against his side, letting my arm rest along the length of his, and held his hand. Then I put my other hand against his face. It was hard to tell if he felt colder than usual.

“Thanks, Jake,” he said, and I felt him shiver once.

“Yeah,” I said.

Edward sat on the arm of the sofa by Beau’s feet, his eyes always on his face.

It was too much to hope, with all the super-hearing in the room, that no one would notice my stomach rumbling.

“Royal, why don’t you get Jacob something from the kitchen?” Alice said. She was invisible now, sitting quietly behind the back of the sofa.

Royal stared at the place Alice’s voice had come from in disbelief.

“Thanks, anyway, Alice, but I don’t think I’d want to eat something Blondie’s spit in. I’d bet my system wouldn’t take too kindly to venom.”

“Royal would never embarrass Esme by displaying such a lack of hospitality.”

“Of _course_ not,” Blondie said in an overly kind voice that I immediately distrusted.

He got up and breezed out of the room.

Edward sighed.

“You’d tell me if he poisoned it, right?” I asked.

“Yes,” Edward promised.

And for some reason I believed him.

There was a lot of banging in the kitchen, and—weirdly—the sound of metal protesting as it was abused. Edward sighed again, but smiled just a little, too. Then Royal was back before I could think much more about it. With a pleased smirk, he set a silver bowl on the floor next to me.

“Enjoy, mongrel.”

It had once probably been a big mixing bowl, but he’d bent the bowl back in on itself until it was shaped almost exactly like a dog dish. I had to be impressed with his quick craftsmanship. And his attention to detail. He’d scratched the word _Fido_ into the side. Excellent handwriting.

Because the food looked pretty good—steak, no less, and a big baked potato with all the fixings—I told him, “Thanks, Blondie.”

He snorted.

“Hey, do you know what you call a blonde with a brain?” I asked, and then continued on the same breath, “a golden retriever.”

“I’ve heard that one, too,” he said, no longer smiling.

“I’ll keep trying,” I promised, and then I dug in.

He made a disgusted face and rolled his eyes. Then he sat in one of the armchairs and started flicking through channels on the big TV so fast that there was no way he could really be surfing for something to watch.

The food was good, even with the vampire stink in the air. I was getting really used to that. Huh. Not something I’d been wanting to do, exactly...

When I was finished—though I was considering licking the bowl, just to give Royal something to complain about—I felt Beau’s cold fingers pulling softly through my hair. He patted it down against the back of my neck.

“Time for a haircut, huh?”

“You’re getting a little shaggy,” he said.

“Yeah, look who’s talking.” I snorted, reaching back and gently ruffling the long mop of curls on Beau’s head.

He laughed and gently pushed my hand away, “Maybe—”

“Let me guess, someone around here used to cut hair in a salon in Paris?”

He chuckled. “Probably.”

“No thanks,” I said before he could really offer. “I’m good for a few more weeks.”

Which made me wonder how long _he_ was good for. I tried not to think too much about it. But Beau continued, distracting me.

“Actually, I’m feeling much better. I could probably trim up the edges for you if you’d like.” He offered.

“I guess I wouldn’t mind that so much.” I shrugged.

He continued running his hands through my hair.

“How’s the heart?” I finally asked after a few quiet minutes.

“Hard to say,” he replied softly. “Carlisle says I’m doing better. But obviously we don’t want to rush into anything. That would be risky.” He paused. “We want to wait a few more days before we make any big decisions, I guess. At least three or four days.”

I couldn’t make complete sense of it in my head. Beau’s life was speeding by in fast-forward. Now a number on the days he had left. Four. Four measly days. It took me a minute to figure out how to swallow.

 “You okay?” he asked.

I nodded, not really sure how my voice would come out.

Edward’s face was turned away from us as he listened to my thoughts, but I could see his reflection in the glass wall. He was the burning man again.

Funny how having a deadline made it harder to think about leaving, or having Beau leave. I was glad Seth’d brought that up, so I knew they were staying here. It would be intolerable, wondering if they were about to go, to take away one or two or three of those four days. My four days.

Also funny how, even knowing that it was almost over, the hold Beau had on me only got harder to break. It was like every hour of his life that faded away pulled me in deeper.

For a minute I tried to look at him from a distance, to separate myself from the pull. I knew it wasn’t my imagination that my need for him was stronger than ever. Why was that? Because he was dying? Or knowing that even if he didn’t, still—best case scenario—he’d be changing into something else that I wouldn’t know or understand?

He ran his finger across my cheekbone, and my skin was wet where he touched it.

“It’s going to be okay,” He soothed, sadness in his voice.

“Right,” I muttered.

He curled against my arm, resting his head on my shoulder. “I didn’t think you would come. Seth said you would, and so did Edward, but I didn’t believe them.”

“Why not?” I asked gruffly.

“You’re not happy here. But you came anyway.”

“You wanted me here.”

“I know. But you didn’t have to come, because it’s not fair for me to want you here. I would have understood.”

It was quiet for a minute. Edward’d put his face back together. He looked at the TV as Royal went on flipping through the channels. He was into the six hundreds. I wondered how long it would take to get back to the beginning.

“Thank you for coming,” Beau whispered.

“Can I ask you something?” I asked.

“Of course.”

Edward didn’t look like he was paying attention to us at all, but he knew what I was about to ask, so he didn’t fool me.

“Why _do_ you want me here? Seth could keep you warm, and he’s probably easier to be around, happy little punk. But when _I_ walk in the door, you smile at me and you act like I’m your favorite person in the world.”

“You’re one of them.”

“That sucks, you know.”

“Yeah.” He sighed. “Sorry.”

“Why, though? You didn’t answer that.”

Edward was looking away again, like he was staring out the windows. His face was blank in the reflection.

“You’re my best friend, Jacob.” He said simply. “I’ve never been able to get things right between us. I thought I might never get the chance. Things still might not end up right, but at least I have a chance to fix it.”

“What are you trying to fix, Beau?”

“I just want you to be happy, Jake.”

I could have been. If everything had actually gone my way. I could have been incredibly happy with Beau. But that was a far gone possibility now.

“I didn’t want to change without making sure everything was right.” He said quietly.

“What do you mean?”

“I wanted to make sure I had everything set up first,” he explained. “A reason why I wouldn’t be able to see everybody so I didn’t have to just disappear. And I wanted to fix everything between us, before I had to say goodbye.”

I didn’t know what to say to him. Things were starting to make more sense to me now. Beau wasn’t being stupid. He didn’t have a death wish. He had wanted to stay human long enough to make him changing easier on everyone else.

I glanced back over to Edward, his expression had hollowed out a bit again. There was something like guilt in the back of his burning eyes.

I looked back down at Beau’s face then, so close to mine. His eyes were shut and he was frowning. “We got off track, Jake. Out of balance. You’re supposed to be part of my life —I can feel that, and so can you.” He paused for a second without opening his eyes— like he was waiting for me to deny it. When I didn’t say anything, he went on. “But not like this. We did something wrong. No. I did. I did something wrong, and we got off track...” I could hear him sniffle a little. “I didn’t realize before, how selfish I could be. This put everything into perspective.”

His voice trailed off, and the frown on his face relaxed until it was just a little pucker at the corner of his lips. I waited for him to pour some more lemon juice into my paper cuts, but then a soft snore came from the back of his throat.

“He’s exhausted,” Edward murmured. “It’s been a long day. A hard day. I think he would have gone to sleep earlier, but he was waiting for you.”

I didn’t look at him.

“Seth said he fell again. Broke another rib.”

“Yes. He’s been having a harder time breathing.”

“Great.”

“Let me know when he gets hot again.”

“Yeah.”

Beau still had goose bumps on the arm that wasn’t touching mine. I’d barely raised my head to look for a blanket when Edward snagged one draped over the arm of the sofa and flung it out so that it settled over Beau’s body.

Occasionally, the mind-reading thing saved time. For example, maybe I wouldn’t have to make a big production out of the accusation about what was going on with Charlie. That mess. Edward would just _hear_ exactly how furious—

“Yes,” he agreed. “It’s not a good idea.”

“Then why?” Why was Beau telling his father he was _on the mend_ when it would only make him more miserable?

“He can’t bear Charlie’s anxiety.”

“So it’s better—”

“No. It’s _not_ better. But I’m not going to force him to do anything that makes him unhappy now. Whatever happens, this makes him feel better. I’ll deal with the rest afterward.”

That didn’t sound right. Beau wouldn’t just shuffle Charlie’s pain off to some later date, for someone else to face. Even dying. That wasn’t him. If I knew Beau, he had to have some other plan.

“He’s very sure he’s going to live,” Edward said.

“But not human,” I protested.

“Perhaps, not human. But he hopes to see Charlie again, no matter what.”

Oh, this just got better and better.

“See. Charlie.” I finally looked at him, my eyes bugging. “Afterwards. See Charlie when he’s all sparkly white with the bright red eyes. I’m not a bloodsucker, so maybe I’m missing something, but _Charlie_ seems like kind of a strange choice for Beau’s first meal.”

Edward sighed. “He knows he won’t be able to be near Charlie for at least a year. Beau thinks he can stall. Tell Charlie he has to go to a special hospital on the other side of the world. Keep in contact through phone calls….”

“That’s insane.”

“Yes.”

“Charlie’s not stupid. Even if Beau doesn’t kill him, Charlie’s going to notice a difference.”

“He’s expecting that.”

I continued to stare, waiting for him to explain.

“He wouldn’t be aging, of course, so that would set a time limit, even if Charlie accepted whatever excuse he comes up with for the changes.” He smiled faintly. “Do you remember when you tried to tell Beau about your transformation? How you made him guess?”

My free hand flexed into a fist. “He told you about that?”

“Yes. He was explaining his... idea. He’s been coming up with plans for changing. You see, He’s not allowed to tell Charlie the truth —it would be very dangerous for him. But Charlie’s a smart, practical man. Beau thinks he’ll come up with his own explanation. He assumes he’ll get it wrong.” Edward snorted. “After all, we hardly adhere to vampire canon. Charlie will make some wrong assumption about us, like Beau did in the beginning, and we’ll go along with it. He thinks he’ll be able to see him... from time to time.”

“Insane,” I repeated.

“Yes,” he agreed again.

It was weak of him to let Beau get his way on this, just to keep him happy now. It wouldn’t turn out well.

Which made me think that he probably wasn’t expecting him to live to try out his crazy plan. Placating Beau, so that he could be happy for a little while longer.

Like four more days.

“I’ll deal with whatever comes,” he whispered, and he turned his face down and away so that I couldn’t even read his reflection. “I won’t cause Beau pain now.”

“Four days?” I asked.

He didn’t look up. “Approximately.”

“Then what?”

“Then we see if he’s strong enough to keep fighting, or just strong enough to change him.”

“You don’t seem to think he has much chance of staying human.”

“I don’t.” He said, his voice was pained. “But we’ve been trying to research.”

“Research?” I asked.

“That’s why you haven’t seen Jasper or Emmett around. That’s what Carlisle is doing now. Trying to find clues as to what this disease is, in the hopes that we can find another case of it to better understand it. We haven’t had much luck.”

Of course not. None of us had luck anymore. Just pain.

“We had some small hope,” Edward began. “There was a woman we encountered in South America—where he contracted the disease. She had seen it before.”

“And?”

Agony ripped across his face, and, as I flinched away from his pain, I knew he wasn’t going to give me an answer. I doubted he could talk.

It was Royal—who’d been so still and quiet since Beau’d fallen asleep that I’d nearly forgotten him—who answered.

He made a scornful noise in the back of his throat. “Of course there were no survivors,” he said. _No survivors_ , so blunt and uncaring _._ “Without the proper medical supplies or training to keep them alive, how could they survive? Beau has a better chance than any of them ever did. He has us on his side, fighting for his humanity. We’re doing all we can to keep him human. Of course, we have plans in place if he takes a turn—and if he _chooses_ that route. But all this worrying isn’t good for him. He wants to let things take their course and we should respect his wishes.” He sniffed.

Blondie was so concerned about keeping Beau _human_ he didn’t seem to really care about the deeper repercussions of Beau _dying_.

Edward’s face went white as snow. His hands curved into claws. Totally egotistical and indifferent, Royal twisted in his chair so that his back was to him. Edward leaned forward, shifting into a crouch.

 _Allow me,_ I suggested.

Edward paused, raising one eyebrow.

Silently, I lifted my doggy bowl off the floor. Then, with a quick, powerful flip of my wrist, I threw it into the back of Blondie’s head so hard that—with an earsplitting _bang_ —it smashed flat before it ricocheted across the room and snapped the round top piece off the thick newel post at the foot of the stairs.

Beau twitched but didn’t wake up.

“Dumb blonde,” I muttered.

Royal turned his head slowly, and his eyes were blazing.

“You. Got. Food. In. My. Hair.”

That did it.

I busted up. I pulled away from Beau so that I wouldn’t shake him, and laughed so hard that tears ran down my face. From behind the couch, I heard Alice’s tinkling laugh join in.

I wondered why Royal didn’t spring. I sort of expected it. But then I realized that my laughing had woken Beau up, though he’d slept right through the real noise.

“What’s so funny?” he mumbled.

“I got food in his hair,” I told him, chortling again.

“I’m not going to forget this, dog,” Royal hissed.

“S’not so hard to erase a blond’s memory,” I countered. “Just blow in his ear.”

“Get some new jokes,” he snapped.

“Alright, you two, calm do—” Beau broke off mid-sentence and sucked in a sharp breath. In the same second, Edward was leaning over the top of me, ripping the blanket out of the way. Beau seemed to convulse, his back arching off the sofa.

“Ah!” He gasped.

His lips were white, and he had his teeth locked together like he was trying to hold back a scream.

Edward put both hands on either side of Beau’s face.

“Carlisle?”

“Right here,” the doctor said. I hadn’t heard him come in.

“It’s fine,” Beau said, still breathing hard and shallow. “Think it’s over. My chest. I don’t know. It hurt.”

Edward and Carlisle exchanged wary glances. It was Beau’s heart.

“I’ll be… fine…” Beau’s voice began to trail off. He relaxed back into the couch. Before long he was lightly snoring again.

“His cardiovascular system isn’t improving.” Carlisle said after a long second. “It’s getting weaker.”

“Carlisle…” Edward’s face was dark, the burning man reappearing.

“Yes, most likely a mild heart attack.” The doc’s voice was serious.

“The blood isn’t helping.” I wasn’t asking, I was stating a fact. I had hoped that maybe my blood could fix Beau, maybe it would save him. After all, it had helped before, hadn’t it? Why wasn’t it helping now?

I noticed Edward watching me out of the corner of his eye. Probably wondering the same thing I was.

“It does help, Jacob.” Carlisle assured me. “The transfusions give Beau some extra strength.” He paused, “The problem is that, while your blood types are compatible, on a chromosomal level you and Beau are different.”

“Chromosomes again.” I muttered.

“Yes,” Carlisle sighed. “I had hoped that perhaps your innate healing abilities might transfer to Beau via the transfusions of your blood.” He shook his head, “I had no logical scientific basis to support that hope…”

“Just hope.” I muttered. My eyes trailed over Beau’s frail body. He looked like he was plenty warm now, in fact, a sheen of sweat was forming on his forehead. “He looks warm enough. I’m gonna step outside. Get some air.”

I pushed myself up from the ground and crossed the room to the nearby backdoor before anyone had a chance to say anything else that would make me feel even more depressed than I already did.

The clean air was a welcome relief to my lungs. Even though I was spending a lot of time in the Cullen’s place, I still wasn’t quite used to their scent. Still burned my nose.

I was staring up at the cloudy sky, unable to think properly when I caught the scent of one of the leaches approaching. Can’t I have five damn minutes to myself?

“Sorry to bother you,” Alice’s bird-like voice chirped.

“S’fine,” I lied.

She slowly walked just past me and stood with her hands clasped behind her back, looking up at the sky like me.

“I wish I knew what to say here,” she sighed. “Usually I’m pretty good at knowing what to say to make someone feel better,” she laughed, humorlessly, “I guess I didn’t realize how much my visions helped me accomplish that.”

“Don’t worry ‘bout it.” I muttered. “Guess I wouldn’t mind those visions right now. Some answers would be nice.”

“Tell me about it,” she sighed. “It’s all completely dark now. You and your pack are too wrapped up in this. I don’t have a hope of seeing anything anymore.”

“Hope,” I snorted, “What’s that?”

Alice sighed, she turned to face me. Her black eyes looked as dull and lifeless as I felt. “Hope is all Beau has now. He keeps hoping that it will all work out.”

“He’s making me crazy with the way he keeps going on like that.”

Alice watched me for a second, her eyes curious.

“What?” I finally snapped.

“You really love Beau, don’t you?”

“Why would you ask that?” I glowered.

“I can’t see your future and I can’t read your mind like Edward can,” She sighed, “But I can see how much you hurt. I don’t need any powers to see that. And I’m sorry.”

“At least  _someone_ cares about how _I_ feel in all this, I guess.” I snorted.

“Beau cares,” she insisted. “He cares a lot.”

“Sure, sure.”

“You’ll be happy again one day, Jacob Black.” She said, sounding pretty damn sure of herself.

I knew Alice was supposed to be kind of out there from what I had seen myself and what Beau had told me about her, but I never expected her to be flat out crazy.

“Sorry, but I don’t know if I trust the predictions of a fortune teller who can’t see the future.”

She half-smiled at me and turned to go back inside.

“Maybe I just have some of Beau’s hope. Maybe I’m just hoping that all of us will have a happy ending.”

I watched her walk back inside. When I was alone again I slumped against the side of the house. Happy ending? Yeah right. None of us were going to have a happy ending now. Well, at least not all of us. There was only one way all this could end. A happy ending only happens for some of the people in the story. Someone has to lose out.

I knew that someone would be me, no matter what.


	16. Too-Much-Information Alert

I took off early, long before sunrise was due. I’d gotten just a little bit of uneasy sleep leaning against the side of the sofa. Edward and I had spent most of the night taking turns regulating Beau’s body temperature, trying to keep him comfortable. He woke me one last time when Beau’s face was flushed, and he took my spot to cool Beau back down. I stretched and decided I was rested enough to get some work done.

“Thank you,” Edward said quietly, seeing my plans. “If the route is clear, they’ll go today.”

“I’ll let you know.”

It felt good to get back to my animal self. I was stiff from sitting for so long. I extended my stride, working out the kinks.

 _Morning, Jacob,_ Liam greeted me.

_Good, you’re up. How long’s Seth been out?_

_Not out yet,_ Seth thought sleepily. _Almost there. What do you need?_

_You think you got another hour in you?_

_Sure thing. No problem._ Seth got to his feet right away, shaking out his fur.

 _Let’s make the deep run,_ I told Liam. _Seth, take the perimeter._

 _Gotcha._ Seth broke into an easy jog.

 _Off on another vampire errand,_ Liam grumbled.

_You got a problem with that?_

_Of_ course _not. I just_ love _to coddle those darling leeches._

_Good. Let’s see how fast we can run._

_Okay, I’m definitely up for_ that _!_

Liam was on the far western rim of the perimeter. Rather than cut close to the Cullens’ house, he stuck to the circle as he raced around to meet me. I sprinted off straight east, knowing that even with the head start, he’d be passing me soon if I took it easy for even a second.

_Nose to the ground, Liam. This isn’t a race, it’s a reconnaissance mission._

_I can do both and still kick your butt._

I gave him that one. _I know._

He laughed.

We took a winding path through the eastern mountains. It was a familiar route. We’d run these mountains when the vampires had left a year ago, making it part of our patrol route to better protect the people here. Then we’d pulled back the lines when the Cullens returned. This was their treaty land.

But that fact would probably mean nothing to Sam now. The treaty was dead. The question today was how thin he was willing to spread his force. Was he looking for stray Cullens to poach on their land or not? Had Jared spoken the truth or taken advantage of the silence between us?

We got deeper and deeper into the mountains without finding any trace of the pack. Fading vampire trails were everywhere, but the scents were familiar now. I was breathing them in all day long.

I found a heavy, somewhat recent concentration on one particular trail—all of them coming and going here except for Edward. Some reason for gathering that must have been forgotten when Edward brought his dying husband home. I gritted my teeth. Whatever it was, it had nothing to do with me.

Liam didn’t push himself past me, though he could have now. I was paying more attention to each new scent than I was to the speed contest. He kept to my right side, running with me rather than racing against me.

 _We’re getting pretty far out here,_ he commented.

_Yeah. If Sam was hunting strays, we should have crossed his trail by now._

_Makes more sense right now for him to bunker down in La Push,_ Liam thought. _He knows we’re giving the bloodsuckers three extra sets of eyes and legs. He’s not going to be able to surprise them._

_This was just a precaution, really._

_Wouldn’t want our precious parasites taking unnecessary chances._

_Nope,_ I agreed, ignoring the sarcasm.

_You’ve changed so much, Jacob. Talk about one-eighties._

_You’re not exactly the same Liam I’ve always known and loved, either._

_True. Am I less annoying than Paul now?_

_Amazingly... yes._

_Ah, sweet success._

_Congrats._

We ran in silence again then. It was probably time to turn around, but neither of us wanted to. It felt nice to run like this. We’d been staring at the same small circle of a trail for too long. It felt good to stretch our muscles and take the rugged terrain. We weren’t in a huge hurry, so I thought maybe we should hunt on the way back. Liam was pretty hungry.

 _Yum, yum,_ he thought sourly.

 _It’s all in your head,_ I told him. _That’s the way wolves eat. It’s natural. It tastes fine. If you didn’t think about it from a human perspective—_

_Forget the pep talk, Jacob. I’ll hunt. I don’t have to like it._

_Sure, sure,_ I agreed easily. It wasn’t my business if he wanted to make things harder for himself.

He didn’t add anything for a few minutes; I started thinking about turning back.

 _Thank you,_ Liam suddenly told me in a much different tone.

_For?_

_For letting me be. For letting me stay. You’ve been nicer than I had any right to expect, Jacob._

_Er, no problem. Actually, I mean that. I don’t mind having you here like I thought I would._

He snorted, but it was a playful sound. _What a glowing commendation!_

_Don’t let it go to your head._

_Okay—if you don’t let this go to yours._ He paused for a second. _I think you make a good Alpha. Not in the same way Sam does, but in your own way. You’re worth following, Jacob._

My mind went blank with surprise. It took me a second to recover enough to respond.

_Er, thanks. Not totally sure I’ll be able to stop that one from going to my head, though. Where did that come from?_

He didn’t answer right away, and I followed the wordless direction of his thoughts. He was thinking about the future—about what I’d said to Jared the other morning. About how the time would be up soon, and then I’d go back to the forest. About how I’d promised that He and Seth would return to the pack when the Cullens were gone...

 _I want to stay with you,_ he told me.

The shock shot through my legs, locking my joints. He blew past me and then put on the brakes. Slowly, he walked back to where I was frozen in place.

 _I won’t be a pain, I swear. I won’t follow you around. You can go wherever you want, and I’ll go where I want. You’ll only have to put up with me when we’re both wolves._ He paced back and forth in front of me, swishing his long gray tail nervously. _And, as I’m planning on quitting as soon as I can manage it... maybe that won’t be so often._

I didn’t know what to say.

_I’m happier now, as a part of your pack, than I have been in years._

_I want to stay, too,_ Seth thought quietly. I hadn’t realized he’d been paying much attention to us as he ran the perimeter. _I like this pack._

 _Hey, now! Seth, this isn’t going to be a pack much longer._ I tried to put my thoughts together so they would convince him. _We’ve got a purpose now, but when... after that’s over, I’m just going to go wolf. Seth, you need a purpose. You’re a good kid. You’re the kind of person who always has a crusade. And there’s no way you’re leaving La Push now. You’re going to graduate from high school and do something with your life. You’re going to take care of Sue. My issues are not going to mess up your future._

_But—_

_Jacob is right,_ Liam seconded.

_You’re agreeing with me?_

_Of course. But none of that applies to_ me _. I was on my way out, anyway. I’ll get a job somewhere away from La Push. Maybe take some courses at a community college. Get into yoga and meditation to work on my temper issues.... And stay a part of this pack for the sake of my mental well-being. Jacob—you can see how that makes sense, right? I won’t bother you, you won’t bother me, everyone is happy._

I turned back and started loping slowly toward the west.

_This is a bit much to deal with, Liam. Let me think about it, ’kay?_

_Sure. Take your time._

It took us longer to make the run back. I wasn’t trying for speed. I was just trying to concentrate enough that I wouldn’t plow headfirst into a tree. Seth was grumbling a little bit in the back of my head, but I was able to ignore him. He knew I was right. He wasn’t going to abandon his mom. He would go back to La Push and protect the tribe like he should.

But I couldn’t see Liam doing that. And that was just plain scary.

A pack of the two of us? No matter the physical distance, I couldn’t imagine the... the _intimacy_ of that situation. I wondered if he’d really thought it through, or if he was just desperate to stay free.

Liam didn’t say anything as I chewed it over. It was like he was trying to prove how easy it would be if it was just us.

We ran into a herd of black-tailed deer just as the sun was coming up, brightening the clouds a little bit behind us. Liam sighed internally but didn’t hesitate. His lunge was clean and efficient—graceful, even. He took down the largest one, the buck, before the startled animal fully understood the danger.

Not to be outdone, I swooped down on the next largest deer, snapping her neck between my jaws quickly, so she wouldn’t feel unnecessary pain. I could feel Liam’s disgust warring with his hunger, and I tried to make it easier for him by letting the wolf in me have my head. I’d lived all-wolf for long enough that I knew how to be the animal completely, to see his way and think his way. I let the practical instincts take over, letting Liam feel that, too. He hesitated for a second, but then, tentatively, he seemed to reach out with his mind and try to see my way. It felt very strange—our minds were more closely linked than they had ever been before, because we both were _trying_ to think together.

Strange, but it helped him. His teeth cut through the fur and skin of his kill’s shoulder, tearing away a thick slab of streaming flesh. Rather than wince away as his human thoughts wanted to, he let his wolf-self react instinctively. It was kind of a numbing thing, a thoughtless thing. It let him eat in peace.

It was easy for me to do the same. And I was glad I hadn’t forgotten this. This would be my life again soon.

Was Liam going to be a part of that life? A week ago, I would’ve found that idea beyond horrifying. I wouldn’t’ve been able to stand it. But I knew him better now. And, relieved from the constant pain, he wasn’t the same wolf. Not the same man.

We ate together until we both were full.

 _Thanks,_ he told me later as he was cleaning his muzzle and paws against the wet grass. I didn’t bother; it had just started to drizzle and we had to swim the river again on our way back. I’d get clean enough. _That wasn’t so bad, thinking your way._

_You’re welcome._

Seth was dragging when we hit the perimeter. I told him to get some sleep; Liam and I would take over the patrol. Seth’s mind faded into unconsciousness just seconds later.

 _You headed back to the vampires?_ Liam asked.

_Maybe._

_It’s hard for you to be there, but hard to stay away, too. I know how that feels._

_You know, Liam, you might want to think a little bit about the future, about what you really want to do. My head is not going to be the happiest place on earth. And you’ll have to suffer right along with me._

He thought about how to answer me. _Wow, this is going to sound bad. But, honestly, it will be easier to deal with your pain than face mine._

_Fair enough._

_I know it’s going to be bad for you, Jacob. I understand that—maybe better than you think. I don’t like Beau that much, but... he’s your Sam. He’s everything you want and everything you can’t have._

I couldn’t answer.

 _I know it’s worse for you. At least Sam is happy. At least he’s alive and well. I love him enough that I want that. I want him to have what’s best for him._ He sighed. _I just don’t want to stick around to watch._

_Do we need to talk about this?_

_I think we do. Because I want you to know that I won’t make it worse for you. Hell, maybe I’ll even help. I wasn’t_ born _a compassionless monster. I used to be sort of nice, you know._

_My memory doesn’t go that far back._

We both laughed once.

_I’m sorry about this, Jacob. I’m sorry you’re in pain. I’m sorry it’s getting worse and not better._

_Thanks, Liam._

He thought about the things that were worse, the black pictures in my head, while I tried to tune him out without much success. He was able to look at them with some distance, some perspective, and I had to admit that this was helpful. I could imagine that maybe I would be able to see it that way, too, in a few years.

He saw the funny side of the daily irritations that came from hanging out around vampires. He liked my ragging on Royal, chuckling internally and even running through a few blond jokes in his mind that I might be able to work in. But then his thoughts turned serious, lingering on Royal’s face in a way that confused me.

 _You know what’s crazy?_ he asked.

_Well, almost everything is crazy right now. But what do you mean?_

_That blond vampire you hate so much—I totally get his perspective._

For a second I thought he was making a joke that was in very poor taste. And then, when I realized he was serious, the fury that ripped through me was hard to control. It was a good thing we’d spread out to run our watch. If he’d been within _biting_ distance...

_Hold up! Let me explain!_

_Don’t want to hear it. I’m outta here._

_Wait! Wait!_ he pleaded as I tried to calm myself enough to phase back. _C’mon, Jake!_

_Liam, this isn’t really the best way to convince me that I want to spend more time with you in the future._

He didn’t answer me, then suddenly his mind shimmered away. I turned back to him just as he finished phasing. He stood there, arms crossed, his jaw locked.

“Jeez, what an overreaction. You don’t even know what I’m talking about.”

I huffed at him, then closed my eyes and let my body phase back into human. When I reopened my now human eyes, he hadn’t moved. His eyes locked on my face.

“Can I explain myself?” He asked shortly.

I nodded once, keeping my eyes locked on his face, like his were on mine.

“I understand how it feels to miss your humanity. I understand the ache it leaves in you to lose it.” He paused, sighed. “In fact, I can sort of understand Beau’s mindset on the whole thing, too.”

“Great,” I deadpanned, “I’m glad everyone is so happy to see Beau die.”

“Jacob, come on,” Liam rolled his eyes, “no one wants to see Beau die. I don’t particularly like him that much and I don’t even want that. I’m just saying, I understand why your blond vampire is so cold—in the figurative sense. He’s focused. He’s concentrating completely on helping Beau stay human. If I could have had someone help me stay human? I would have begged for their help. I would have accepted it in a heartbeat.”

“The situation is different. You weren’t dying.”

“Don’t you ever miss just being human, Jacob?” He took a deliberate step toward me and I flinched back. “Doesn’t some part of you miss when things were easy? Simple?” He reached out a hand and placed it on my shoulder. “Don’t you miss touching another human and not burning them? Not worrying about your temper turning you into a whirlwind of teeth and claws?”

His face was close to mine now, his eyes locked on mine. I could see the pain behind them.

“I miss that, Jacob.” He sighed. “I miss knowing I have options. Because I don’t really, do I?” He laughed sadly. “That’s why all this sucks!” He turned away from me and took a few aimless steps. “I want to get over Sam, Jacob. You know probably as well as I do that I want to just _forget_ him. But what options do I have? It’s a joke, really. I’m twenty years old. I should have the world ahead of me and I don’t. I feel like I’m stuck, you know? I can’t just go out and find someone like I _should_ be able to do.” He paused, sighed deeply, then very quietly he said, “I know Sam and I is never going to happen—I’ve accepted that.” He glanced back at me. “I know you know what I’m talking about.

I sighed. He was in a healthier place than I was. At least when it came to this sucky unrequited love thing.

“You can’t be mad at Beau for wanting to do this the human way, Jacob.” Liam said, quietly. “He’s being incredibly mature about the whole thing. He’s literally got a miracle cure, but he knows the consequences, he knows what’s at stake. I swear, that kid is stronger than any of the non-humans.” Liam paused. “That stuff he told you… about wanting to make everything right before he changed.” He shook his head, “Damn, I mean, sure, holding off on changing made things worse for him in the long run but… that amount of selflessness? He could have changed right away and been happy, but he wanted to stay human just to make sure everyone _else_ would be happy?”

“None of us are happy now, Liam. It was stupid of him to hold off.”

“No, Jake, you don’t get it.” Liam frowned. “He wasn’t being stupid. He was thinking of the consequences. If he had changed right away then he wouldn’t have been able to say a proper goodbye to anyone. He was thinking of his family… He was thinking of you. I mean, you guys had ended things pretty badly at the wedding. I think he just wanted to make sure he fixed this with you before he… Well, you know.”

I couldn’t speak. Liam could look at things from an outside perspective and I knew he was probably right.

“I do envy you that.” Liam said softly. “Sam just wants to ignore it all. Pretend none of it ever happened. At least Beau cares enough about you to try and make things right, and you know he just wants you to be happy.”

“I don’t think I can talk about this anymore, Liam.” I muttered through clenched teeth.

“Okay, Jacob.” Liam shrugged, “I’m sorry.”

“You’re right,” I admitted, “That’s why I can’t talk about it anymore. I know you’re right. I know I should be handling all of this better. But I just…”

“You can’t right now.” Liam finished for me.

I shook my head.

Liam started to walk away, then he paused and turned back. “If… _When_ you’re ready to talk, Jacob, I’ll be here. Okay?”

He didn’t wait for my response, he phased and bounded away into the woods.

I was only about a mile from where I’d left my clothes, so I stayed human and walked. I didn’t think about our conversation. Not because there wasn’t anything to think about, but because I couldn’t stand it. Seeing that side of Liam’s thoughts, hearing what he said, I couldn’t argue with him because he was right. We got dealt a crappy hand, and maybe Liam couldn’t get over the whole wolf side of things but at least he was moving on from Sam—as best as he could, at least. At least he could see the big picture, even if I couldn’t.

I didn’t think I could run with that for the rest of my life. But how could I take away the solace he found running with me? I supposed it would make me the most selfish ass in the world if I Alpha ordered him to stay in La Push. Just because _I_ couldn’t move on, that didn’t give me the right to deny Liam that… did it?

It was real early when I got to the house. Beau was probably still asleep. I figured I’d poke my head in, see what was going on, give ’em the green light to go hunting, and then find a patch of grass soft enough to sleep on while human. I wasn’t phasing back until Liam was asleep.

But there was a lot of low mumbling going on inside the house, so maybe Beau wasn’t sleeping. And then I heard the machinery sound from upstairs again—the X-ray? Great. It looked like day four on the countdown was starting off with a bang.

Alice opened the door for me before I could walk in.

She nodded. “Hey, wolf.”

“Hey, shortie. What’s going on upstairs?” The big room was empty—all the murmurs were on the second floor.

She shrugged her pointy little shoulders. “Maybe another break.” She tried to see the words casually, but I could see the flames in the very back of her eyes. Edward and I weren’t the only ones who were burning over this. Alice loved Beau, too.

“Another rib?” I asked hoarsely.

“No. He fell on his wrist this time.”

Funny how it kept hitting me, like each new thing was a surprise. When was I going to stop being surprised? Each new disaster seemed kinda obvious in hindsight.

Then we were listening to Royal’s voice upstairs.

“See, I _told_ you I didn’t hear a crack. You need your ears checked, Edward.” There was no answer.

Alice made a face. “Edward’s going to end up ripping Roy into small pieces, I think. I’m surprised he doesn’t see that. Or maybe he thinks Emmett will be able to stop him.”

“I’ll take Emmett,” I offered. “You can help Edward with the ripping part.”

Alice half-smiled.

The procession came down the stairs then—Edward had Beau this time. Beau was incredibly tense, his left wrist was wrapped in bandages, and his face was white. I could see that, though Edward compensated for every tiny movement of his body to keep from jostling Beau, he was hurting.

“Hey, Jake,” he whispered, and he smiled through the pain. I stared at him, saying nothing.

Edward placed Beau carefully on his couch and sat on the floor by his head. I wondered briefly why they didn’t leave him upstairs, and then decided at once that it must be Beau’s idea. He’d want to act like things were normal, avoid the hospital setup. And Edward was humoring him. Naturally.

Carlisle came down slowly, the last one, his face creased with worry. It made him look old enough to be a doctor for once.

“Carlisle,” I said. “We went halfway to Seattle. There’s no sign of the pack. You’re good to go.”

“Thank you, Jacob. This is good timing. There’s much that we need.” His black eyes flickered to Beau.

“Honestly, I think you’re safe to take more than three. I’m pretty positive that Sam is concentrating on La Push.”

Carlisle nodded in agreement. It surprised me how willingly he took my advice. “If you think so. Alice, Esme, Jasper, and I will go. Then Alice can take Emmett and Roy—”

“Not a chance,” Royal said. “Emmett can go with you now.”

“You should hunt,” Carlisle said in a gentle voice.

 “I’ll hunt when  _he_ does,” Royal said flatly, jerking his head toward Edward.

Carlisle sighed, then he turned to me. “Jacob, if you don’t mind, could we…” He trailed off.

“Blood bank is open,” I sighed. “Let’s go, doc.”

 

After Beau was set up with a fresh bag of my blood, Carlisle called everyone.

Jasper and Emmet were down the stairs in a flash, and Alice joined them by the glass back door in the same second. Esme flitted to Alice’s side.

Carlisle put his hand on my arm. The icy touch did not feel good, but I didn’t jerk away. I held still, half in surprise, and half because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

“Thank you,” he said again, and then he darted out the door with the other four. My eyes followed them as they flew across the lawn and then disappeared before I took another breath. Their needs must have been more urgent than I’d imagined.

There was no sound for a minute. I could feel someone glaring at me, and I knew who it would be. I’d been planning to take off and get some Z’s, but the chance to ruin Royal’s morning seemed too good to pass up.

So I sauntered over to the armchair next to the one Royal had and settled in, sprawling out so that my head was tilted toward Beau and my left foot was near Royal’s face.

“Ugh. Someone put the dog out,” he murmured, wrinkling his nose.

“Have you heard this one, Psycho? How do a blonde’s brain cells die?”

He didn’t say anything.

“Well?” I asked. “Do you know the punch line or not?”

He looked pointedly at the TV and ignored me.

“Has he heard it?” I asked Edward.

There was no humor on his tense face—he didn’t move his eyes from Beau. But he said, “No.”

“Awesome. So you’ll enjoy this—a blonde’s brain cells die _alone_.”

Royal didn’t look at me. “I have killed a hundred times more often than you have, you disgusting beast. Don’t forget that.”

“Someday, Beauty King, you’re going to get tired of just threatening me. I’m really looking forward to that.”

“Enough, Jacob,” Beau said.

I looked down, and he was frowning. It looked like yesterday’s good mood was long gone.

Well, I didn’t want to bug him. “You want me to take off?” I offered.

Before I could hope—or fear—that he’d finally gotten tired of me, he blinked, his eyes darting up to me, and his frown disappeared. He seemed totally shocked that I would come to that conclusion. “No, of course not…”

I sighed, and I heard Edward sigh very quietly, too. I knew he wished Beau’d get over me, too. Too bad he’d never ask him to do anything that might make him unhappy.

“You look tired,” Beau commented.

“Dead beat,” I admitted.

“ _I’d_ like to beat you dead,” Royal muttered, too low for Beau to hear.

I just slumped deeper into the chair, closing my eyes, and getting comfortable. My bare foot dangled closer to Royal, and he stiffened. After a few minutes Beau asked Royal for a glass of water. I felt the wind as Royal blew towards the kitchen. It was really quiet. Might as well take a nap, I figured.

After a few minutes, Beau sighed. “I’m glad he’s finally getting some rest.”

Beau must have thought I was already asleep, I didn’t have the energy to correct him, and Edward didn’t say anything.

“This is all my fault,” Beau began, then faltered. “I did everything wrong, Edward.”

“What do you mean, love?”

“I mean, breaking Jacob’s heart, still putting him through this…”

I felt my body tense up, I wanted to hear what Beau had to say, but I was sure Edward would tell him I wasn’t really sleeping.

“What do you mean, Beau?” Edward asked.

Oh. So we’re both playing along now.

“I mean,” Beau began, “I love Jacob. He’s my best friend. I just want him to be happy. As happy as I am with you, Edward.” Beau sniffled. “I feel like every second that ticks by I’m losing my chance to make things right with Jacob. I have to make things right before I…” He cut himself off. “I’ve set everything else up. Made things right with Charlie, Renée, my friends… But I still haven’t gotten it right with Jacob.”

I felt my body tense up. Was Beau holding off on changing just because of me? That was insane! How could he be that stupid? I felt waves of guilt pour over me.

“Beau,” Edward said softly, “is that why you refused to change? Back when you first got sick?”

Well, I guess the mind-reading wasn’t all bad.

“No,” Beau said quietly, “It’s not the only reason.”

Great. Beau was being cryptic.

“Please,” Edward said softly, his tone was a little desperate, “please, Beau, explain it to me because I’ve been out of my mind trying to understand.” Edward’s voice cracked a bit, I could tell his façade was breaking down. “Do you regret marrying me? Choosing me over Jacob? Was it a mistake?”

I’d never heard Edward talk so openly and broken to Beau before. It was almost as broken as he had spoken to me that first day in the yard.

“Shh…” Beau was instantly soothing, “No. I love you, more than anything. I chose you, I still choose you.” He paused. “I knew changing would happen for me one day, Edward. You never wanted it, but realistically it had to happen at some point. But I didn’t see the harm in spending a little more time as a human—enjoy the honeymoon, come back and see my friends, see Charlie, then go spend some time at college… That would have given me time to set everything up—make plans so that everyone would be ready for me to disappear for just a little while until I was strong enough to be around them again. Make plans so that we could avoid breaking the treaty and starting a war with the wolves… and some time for me to settle everything with Jacob.”

“But now…” Edward couldn’t say the words, he didn’t have to.

“I didn’t think my window would close so fast.” Beau said, sadly. “I thought, if I got Royal to help me, I would have just enough time to set things up with my family, explain why I’d be disappearing for a while—”

“We could have come up with a story, Beau.” Edward interrupted.

“I know, but it had to be good, Edward. Charlie wouldn’t have settled for anything less. I know what changing involves. I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on anything but being a newborn for at least a year. I couldn’t leave Charlie in the dark for all that time.”

I was starting to understand better and better. Liam was right. Beau had wanted to make sure everything was set up before he changed. He had been wanting to make this as easy for everyone else as he could.

“Besides,” Beau continued, “The treaty would have been nullified. It would have meant a war. If there had been more time, we could have left Forks before I changed, avoided all that. Didn’t do much good now, I guess.” He said, glumly.

It made sense. But where did I fit in?

“And what about Jacob?” Edward prompted.

“Jacob,” Beau said sadly. “After the wedding, we left things so badly. I was selfish the whole honeymoon. I ignored that, I tried not to think about Jacob and his pain. But that isn’t fair. Jacob deserves to be happy. I couldn’t change unless I worked it all out with him. If we can’t stay friends, at least Jacob needs to move on from me and try to be happy. I can’t love him the way he wants me to, and that kills me. But I love Jacob as a friend, and I want him to be loved the way he deserves to be loved. I knew that if I changed without trying to talk to him one last time he’d never get over it. He’d be the bitter, angry Jacob that ran away from his family and his home. I needed to try to…”

Beau’s voice cut off then, he had started crying. I kept my eyes clamped shut. I felt cold inside.

So, that was it.

Beau was over me. He loved me, sure. But only as his friend. There was no chance for anything else. The truth was just that I was too deluded to see it. Too stubborn. Beau had said it was his fault, that he had messed everything up. But that wasn’t really true, was it? I had messed it up. I had spent so much time being angry, bitter, and desperate for Beau to love me back that I had missed the fact that he did love me. I just wasn’t able to accept the love he could give me.

And now, he had sacrificed his chance at being with the man he _did_ love forever… Just to make sure all the rest of us were happy. To try and make sure _I_ was happy.

“I thought you regretted it,” Edward said, quietly. “Choosing me, marrying me.”

“No,” Beau said through his tears, “I don’t regret choosing you, Edward. I love you more than anything. Marrying you was what I wanted. Being with you is what I want.”

“We could have dealt with everything else after we changed you, Beau.” Edward said, his voice broken and sad.

“I know,” Beau sighed, sniffling, “I know that _now_. I just… I panicked. You were so set on changing me as soon as we got back. All my time had run out. I just… I couldn’t change without making sure everything was set up and resolved first, Edward! I had counted on having the time to do that. I thought if Royal helped me, it would buy me enough time to set everything up and _then_ I could change but…” He sniffled again. “That made everything worse.”

“You just wanted everyone to be happy.” Edward said, comforting him. “I should have talked to you, I shouldn’t have just decided on changing you without taking away your choice in the matter. Perhaps if I had…”

“You don’t get to take my stupidity out of the equation here,” Beau laughed, weakly.

I felt sick, I felt wrong. Like I shouldn’t be here. I opened my eyes, just in time to see Beau leaning forward toward Edward.

“I love you, more than anything.” Beau breathed, pressing his lips to Edward’s.

“And I love you,” Edward’s eyes had closed as he gently wrapped his arms around Beau.

All my pain crashed over me. It was so bad it was like being tortured. Like being slowly dragged across a bed of razors. Pain so bad you’d take death with a smile just to get away from it.

The pain pushed me to my feet.

Beau and Edward’s heads snapped over to me, and I watched my pain ripple across Edward’s face as he trespassed in my head again.

“Ahh,” he choked.

I didn’t know what I was doing; I stood there, trembling, ready to bolt for the very first escape that I could think of.

“Jake…” Beau’s eyes met mine. After hearing everything he had said, I finally understood that sad look in his eyes, behind his smiles. It hit me like a car—no, like a bullet train—crashing into me. It was the love of a friend, concerned and pitying. And that was all it would ever be.

Moving like the strike of a snake, Edward darted to a small end table and ripped something from the drawer there. He tossed it at me, and I caught the object reflexively.

“Go, Jacob. Get away from here.” He didn’t say it harshly—he threw the words at me like they were a life preserver. He was helping me find the escape I was dying for.

The object in my hand was a set of car keys.


	17. So This Is What It Feels Like To Have Nothing Left

I sort of had a plan as I ran to the Cullens’ garage. The second part of it was totaling the bloodsucker’s car on my way back.

So I was at a loss when I mashed the button on the keyless remote, and it was not his Volvo that beeped and flashed its lights for me. It was another car—a standout even in the long line of vehicles that were mostly all drool-worthy in their own ways.

Did he actually _mean_ to give me the keys to an Aston Martin Vanquish, or was that an accident?

I didn’t pause to think about it, or if this would change that second part of my plan. I just threw myself into the silky leather seat and cranked the engine while my knees were still crunched up under the steering wheel. The sound of the motor’s purr might have made me moan another day, but right now it was all I could do to concentrate enough to put it in drive.

I found the seat release and shoved myself back as my foot rammed the pedal down. The car felt almost airborne as it leaped forward.

It only took seconds to race through the tight, winding drive. The car responded to me like my thoughts were steering rather than my hands. As I blew out of the green tunnel and onto the highway, I caught a fleeting glimpse of Liam’s gray face peering uneasily through the ferns.

For half a second, I wondered what he’d think, and then I tried not to care.

I turned south, because I had no patience today for ferries or traffic or anything else that meant I might have to lift my foot off the pedal.

In a sick way, it was my lucky day. If by lucky you meant taking a well-traveled highway at two hundred without so much as seeing one cop, even in the thirty-mile-an- hour speed-trap towns. What a letdown. A little chase action might have been nice, not to mention that the license plate info would bring the heat down on the leech. Sure, he’d buy his way out of it, but it might have been just a _little_ inconvenient for him.

The only sign of surveillance I came across was just a hint of dark brown fur flitting through the woods, running parallel to me for a few miles on the south side of Forks. Quil, it looked like. He must have seen me, too, because he disappeared after a minute without raising an alarm. Again, I almost wondered what his story would be before I remembered that I didn’t care.

I raced around the long U-shaped highway, heading for the biggest city I could find. That was the first part of my plan.

It seemed to take forever, probably because I was still on the razor blades, but it actually didn’t even take two hours before I was driving north into the undefined sprawl that was part Tacoma and part Seattle. I slowed down then, because I really wasn’t trying to kill any innocent bystanders.

I didn’t really have a plan. But my conversation with Liam was replaying in my head over and over, with sprinkles of Beau and Edward’s conversation just to add some more pain to the mix. Liam had the right idea, after all. So did Beau. I had to move on.

But how do you do that? How do you just move on? Would it be like in movies where you catch someone’s eye in a crowd and the whole world slows down and stops, till it’s just the two of you? That’s probably what it was like for Beau and his vampire. Didn’t I deserve that, too?

So how do you look for a random soul mate in a crowd? Well, first I needed a crowd. So I tooled around, looking for a likely spot. I passed a couple of malls, which probably wouldn’t been pretty good places to find someone my age, but I couldn’t make myself stop. Like part of me knew this was stupid.

I kept going north, and it got more and more crowded. Eventually, I found a big park full of kids and families and skateboards and bikes and kites and picnics and the whole bit. I hadn’t noticed till now—it was a nice day. Sun and all that. People were out celebrating the blue sky.

I parked across two handicapped spots—just begging for a ticket—and joined the crowd.

I walked around for what felt like hours. Long enough that the sun changed sides in the sky. I stared into the face of every guy who passed anywhere near me, making myself really look, noticing who was good looking and who had brown eyes and who looked good in braces and who had way too much gel in their hair. I tried to find something interesting about each face, so that I would know for sure that I’d really tried. Things like: This one had a really straight nose; that one should pull his hair out of his eyes; this one could model if the rest of his face was as perfect as his smile…

Sometimes they stared back. Sometimes they looked nervous—like they were thinking, _Who is this big freak glaring at me?_ Sometimes I thought they looked kind of interested, but maybe that was just my ego running wild.

Either way, nothing. Even when I met the eyes of the guy who was—no contest—the hottest guy in the park and probably in the city, and he stared right back with a speculation that _looked_ like interest, I felt nothing. Just the same desperate drive to find a way out of the pain.

As time went on, I started noticing all the wrong things. Beau things. This one’s hair was the same color. That one’s eyes were sort of shaped the same. This one’s cheekbones cut across his face in just the same way. That one had the same little crease between his eyes—which made me wonder what he was worrying about.

That was when I gave up. Because it was beyond stupid to think that I had picked exactly the right place and time and I was going to simply walk into my soul mate just because I was so desperate to. That’s not how real life worked. Not how my life worked.

I wandered back to the car and then slumped against the hood and played with the keys.

Maybe I was just meant to be what I was. I sad, bitter, lone wolf. In the most pathetically literal sense. Maybe my life was just a big, cruel joke, and there was no escape from the punch line.

“Hey, you okay? Hello? You there, with the stolen car.”

It took me a second to realize that the voice was talking to me, and then another second to decide to raise my head.

A familiar-looking guy was staring at me, his expression kind of anxious. I knew why I recognized his face—I’d already catalogued this one. Light red-gold hair, fair skin, a few gold-colored freckles sprinkled across his cheeks and nose, and eyes the color of cinnamon.

“If you’re feeling that remorseful over boosting the car,” he said, smiling so that a dimple popped out in his chin, “you could always turn yourself in.”

“It’s borrowed, not stolen,” I snapped. My voice sounded horrible—like I’d been crying or something. Embarrassing.

“Sure, _that_ ’ll hold up in court.”

I glowered. “You need something?”

“Not really. I was kidding about the car, you know. It’s just that... you look really upset about something. Oh, hey, I’m Lucas.” He held out his hand.

I looked at it until he let it fall.

“Anyway...,” he said awkwardly, “I was just wondering if I could help. Seemed like you were looking for someone before.” He gestured toward the park and shrugged.

“Yeah.”

He waited.

I sighed. “I don’t need any help. He’s not here.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“Me, too,” I muttered.

I looked at the guy again. Lucas. He was good looking. Nice enough to try to help a grouchy stranger who must seem nuts. Why couldn’t he be the one? Why did everything have to be so freaking complicated? Nice guy, good looking, and sort of funny. Why not?

“This is a beautiful car,” he said. “It’s really a shame they’re not making them anymore. I mean, the Vantage’s body styling is gorgeous, too, but there’s just something about the Vanquish. . . .”

Nice guy _who knew cars_. Wow. I stared at his face harder, wishing I knew how to make it work. _C’mon, Jake—make the world stop already_

“How’s it drive?” he asked.

“Like you wouldn’t believe,” I told him.

He grinned his one-dimple smile, clearly pleased to have dragged a halfway civil response out of me, and I gave him a reluctant smile back.

But his smile did nothing about the sharp, cutting blades that raked up and down my body. No matter how much I wanted it to, my life was not going to come together like that.

I wasn’t in that healthier place where Liam was headed. I wasn’t going to be able to fall in love like a normal person. Not when I was bleeding over someone else. Maybe—if it was ten years from now and Beau’s heart was long dead and I’d hauled myself through the whole grieving process and come out in one piece again—maybe then I could offer Lucas a ride in a fast car and talk makes and models and get to know something about him and see if I liked him as a person. But that wasn’t going to happen now.

Magic wasn’t going to save me. I was just going to have to take the torture like a man. Suck it up.

Lucas waited, maybe hoping I was going to offer him that ride. Or maybe not.

“I’d better get this car back to the guy I borrowed it from,” I muttered.

He smiled again. “Glad to hear you’re going straight.”

“Yeah, you convinced me.”

He watched me get in the car, still sort of concerned. I probably looked like someone who was about to drive off a cliff. Which maybe I would’ve, if that kind of move’d work for a werewolf. He waved once, his eyes trailing after the car.

At first, I drove more sanely on the way back. I wasn’t in a rush. I didn’t want to go where I was going. Back to that house, back to that forest. Back to the pain I’d run from. Back to being absolutely alone with it.

Okay, that was melodramatic. I wouldn’t be _all_ alone, but that was a bad thing. Liam and Seth would have to suffer with me. I was glad Seth wouldn’t have to suffer long. Kid didn’t deserve to have his peace of mind ruined. Liam didn’t, either, but at least it was something he understood. Nothing new about pain for Liam.

I sighed big as I thought about what Liam wanted from me, because I knew now that he was going to get it. I was still wary about the whole thing, but I couldn’t ignore the fact that I could make his life easier. And—now that I knew him better—I thought he would probably do this for me, if our positions were reversed.

It would be interesting, at the very least, and strange, too, to have Liam as a companion —as a friend. We were going to get under each other’s skin a lot, that was for sure. He wouldn’t be one to let me wallow, but I thought that was a good thing. I’d probably need someone to kick my butt now and then. But when it came right down to it, he was really the only friend who had any chance of understanding what I was going through now.

I thought of the hunt this morning, and how close our minds had been for that one moment in time. It hadn’t been a bad thing. Different. A little scary, a little awkward. But also nice in a weird way.

I didn’t have to be all alone.

And I knew Liam was strong enough to face with me the months that were coming. Months and years. It made me tired to think about it. I felt like I was staring out across an ocean that I was going to have to swim from shore to shore before I could rest again.

So much time coming, and then so _little_ time before it started. Before I was flung into that ocean. Three and a half more days, and here I was, wasting that little bit of time I had.

I started driving too fast again.

I saw Sam and Jared, one on either side of the road like sentinels, as I raced up the road toward Forks. They were well hidden in the thick branches, but I was expecting them, and I knew what to look for. I nodded as I blew past them, not bothering to wonder what they made of my day trip.

I nodded to Liam and Seth, too, as I cruised up the Cullens’ driveway. It was starting to get dark, and the clouds were thick on this side of the sound, but I saw their eyes glitter in the glow of the headlights. I would explain to them later. There’d be plenty of time for that.

It was a surprise to find Edward waiting for me in the garage. I hadn’t seen him away from Beau in days. I could tell from his face that nothing bad had happened to him. In fact, he looked more peaceful than before. My stomach tightened as I remembered the conversation that had given him that peace.

It was too bad that—with all my brooding—I’d forgotten to wreck the car. Oh well. I probably wouldn’t have been able to stand hurting _this_ car, anyway. Maybe he’d guessed as much, and that’s why he’d lent it to me in the first place.

“A few things, Jacob,” he said as soon as I cut the engine.

I took a deep breath and held it for a minute. Then, slowly, I got out of the car and threw the keys to him.

“Thanks for the loan,” I said sourly. Apparently, it would have to be repaid. “What do you want _now_?”

“Firstly... I know how averse you are to using your authority with your pack, but . . .”

I blinked, astonished that he would even dream of starting in on this one. “What?”

“If you can’t or won’t control Liam, then I—”

“Liam?” I interrupted, speaking through my teeth. “What happened?”

Edward’s face was hard. “He came up to see why you’d left so abruptly. I tried to explain. I suppose it might not have come out right.”

“What did he do?”

“He phased to his human form and—”

“Really?” I interrupted again, shocked this time. I couldn’t process that. Liam letting his guard down right in the mouth of the enemy’s lair?

“He wanted to... _speak_ to Beau.”

“To _Beau?_ ”

Edward got all hissy then. “I won’t let Beau be upset like that again. I don’t care how justified Liam thinks he is! I didn’t hurt him—of course I wouldn’t—but I’ll throw him out of the house if it happens again. I’ll launch him right across the river—”

“Hold _on_. What did he _say?_ ” None of this was making any sense.

Edward took a deep breath, composing himself. “Liam was unnecessarily harsh. I’m not going to pretend that you didn’t hear what Beau said. You know Beau only cares about you and your happiness, and he suffers a great deal over your pain. What Liam said was uncalled for. At least what I heard—after a a few minutes of Liam’s tirade, Beau demanded that everyone else leave the room—out of hearing range. They talked for a long while alone, even though it was completely against my better judgement. Anyway, Beau’s been crying—”

“Wait—Liam was yelling at Beau about _me_?”

He nodded one sharp nod. “You were quite vehemently championed.”

Whoa. “I didn’t ask Liam to do that.”

“I know.”

I rolled my eyes. Of course he knew. He knew everything.

But that was really something about Liam. Who would have believed it? Liam walking into the bloodsuckers’ place _human_ to complain about how _I_ was being treated.

“I can’t promise to control Liam,” I told him. “I won’t do that. But I’ll talk to him, okay? And I don’t think there’ll be a repeat. Liam’s not one to hold back, so he probably got it all off his chest today.”

“I would say so.”

“Anyway, I’ll talk to Beau about it, too. He doesn’t need to feel bad. This one’s on me.”

“I already told him that.”

“Of course you did. Is he okay?”

“He’s sleeping now. Roy is with him.”

“And what about…” I trailed off.

“He’s… better in some ways. Aside from Liam’s tirade and the resulting guilt.”

Better. Because Edward finally understood why Beau had put off changing and everything was all lovey-dovey now because Edward knew that Beau only loved him. Fantastic.

“It’s a bit more than that,” he murmured. “He seems more… resolved. He feels—we feel—there’s no point in delaying any further.”

I stared at Edward, feeling the pain hit me all over again.

Edward went on, acting like he couldn’t hear the screaming inside my brain. “As soon as Carlisle returns—”

“They’re not back?” I cut in sharply. I thought of Sam and Jared, watching the road. Would they get curious as to what was going on?

“Alice and Jasper are. Carlisle sent all the blood he was able to acquire, so as to relieve you from donation duties, but it wasn’t as much as he was hoping for. Carlisle stayed to try another source. I don’t think that’s necessary now, but he wants to be covered for any eventuality.”

“When you say it isn’t necessary?”

I could tell he was watching and listening to my reaction carefully as he explained. “Beau decided, once Carlisle returns, if his heart is strong enough… He’s going to change.”

“ _What?_ ”

“I… I’m sorry, Jacob. I know this is…” He paused, and I could see my pain in his face. “I don’t know how you are handling it, to be honest with you. Please, understand, Beau is too fragile to delay. The damage this disease has done to his body is… Even if he survived and stayed human a little longer, as he had originally wanted, he would never truly recover. He wouldn’t be able to do any of the things he wanted. No, if his heart is strong enough then it’s time.”

I kept getting my legs knocked out from under me. First, hearing Beau put everything out black and white on the table. Now, I’d realized that I thought of those four days as a sure thing. I’d banked on them.

The endless ocean of grief that waited stretched out before me.

I tried to catch my breath.

Edward waited. I stared at his face while I recovered, recognizing another change there.

“You think he’s going to make it,” I whispered.

“Yes. He’s still in stable condition from the last transfusion of your blood. Which means we should act. But that also means there’s something else I need to talk to you about.”

I couldn’t say anything. After a minute, he went on.

“Yes,” he said again. “Beau is as stable as he’s probably going to get. We discussed everything thoroughly, even brought Royal in for his… opinion. Even Royal agrees, Beau has done everything he can do. It’s time. We just need Carlisle’s help to make it as smooth and easy as we can.”

“When will Carlisle be back?” I asked, still whispering. I hadn’t got my breath back yet.

“By noon tomorrow.”

My knees buckled. I had to grab the car to hold myself up. Edward reached out like he was offering support, but then he thought better of it and dropped his hands.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “I truly am sorry for the pain this causes you, Jacob. Though you hate me, I must admit that I don’t feel the same way about you. I think of you as, a… a brother in many ways. A comrade in arms, at the very least. I regret your suffering more than you realize. But Beau _is_ going to survive”—when he said that his voice was fierce, even violent—“and I know that’s what really matters to you.”

He was probably right. It was hard to tell. My head was spinning.

“So I hate to do this now, while you’re already dealing with too much, but, clearly, there is little time. I have one last thing to ask of you, Jacob Black—beg you, if I must.”

“I don’t have anything left,” I choked out.

He lifted his hand again, as if to put it on my shoulder, but then let it drop like before and sighed.

“I know how much you have given,” he said quietly. “But this is something you _do_ have, and only you. I’m asking this of the true Alpha, Jacob. I’m asking this of Ephraim’s heir.”

I was way past being able to respond.

“I want your permission to deviate from what we agreed to in our treaty with Ephraim. I want you to grant us an exception. I want your permission to save Beau’s life. You know I’ll do it anyway, but I don’t want to break faith with you if there is any way to avoid it. We never intended to go back on our word, and we don’t do it lightly now. I want your understanding, Jacob, because you know exactly why we do this. I want the alliance between our families to survive when this is over. This is what Beau needed, why he waited.”

I tried to swallow. _Sam_ , I thought. _It’s Sam you want._

“No. Sam’s authority is assumed. It belongs to you. You’ll never take it from him, but

no one can rightfully agree to what I’m asking except for _you_.”

_It’s not my decision._

“It is, Jacob, and you know it. Your word on this will condemn us or absolve us. Only you can give this to me.”

_I can’t think. I don’t know._

“We don’t have much time.” He glanced back toward the house.

No, there was no time. My few days had become a few hours.

_I don’t know. Let me think. Just give me a minute here, okay?_

“Yes.”

I started walking to the house, and he followed. Crazy how easy it was, walking through the dark with a vampire right beside me. It didn’t feel unsafe, or even uncomfortable, really. It felt like walking next to anybody. Well, anybody who smelled bad.

There was a movement in the brush at the edge of the big lawn, and then a low whimper. Seth shrugged through the ferns and loped over to us.

“Hey, kid,” I muttered.

He dipped his head, and I patted his shoulder.

“S’all cool,” I lied. “I’ll tell you about it later. Sorry to take off on you like that.”

He grinned at me.

“Hey, tell your brother to back off now, okay? Enough.”

Seth nodded once.

I shoved against his shoulder this time. “Get back to work. I’ll spell you in a bit.”

Seth leaned against me, shoving back, and then he galloped into the trees.

“He has one of the purest, sincerest, _kindest_ minds I’ve ever heard,” Edward murmured when he was out of sight. “You’re lucky to have his thoughts to share.”

“I know that,” I grunted.

We started toward the house, and both of our heads snapped up when we heard the sound of some coughing. Edward was in a hurry then. He darted up the porch stairs and was gone.

“Beau, love, I thought you were sleeping,” I heard him say. “I’m sorry, I wouldn’t have left.”

“Don’t worry, Edward. I rolled over on my wrist—it’s still sore and it woke me up. But I’m fine.”

I walked through the door.

Alice said, “Finally,” and Beau’s eyes flashed to me. That sad smile appeared on the corner of his lips for only a second. Then it faltered, and his face fell. He snapped his eyes close and clenched his jaw, like he was trying not to cry.

I wanted to punch Liam right in his stupid mouth.

“Hey, babe,” I said quickly. “How ya doing?”

“I’m fine,” he said.

“Big day today, huh? Lots of big decisions.”

“You don’t have to do that, Jacob.”

“Don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said, going to sit on the arm of the sofa by his head. Edward had the floor there already.

He gave me a reproachful look, that quickly moved to deep regret. “I’m so s—” he started to say.

I pinched his lips together between my thumb and finger.

“Jake,” he mumbled, trying to pull my hand away. His attempt was so weak it was hard to believe that he was really trying.

I shook my head. “You can talk when you’re not being stupid.”

“Fine, I won’t say it,” it sounded like he mumbled.

I pulled my hand away.

“Sorry!” he finished quickly, as a grin teased at the corners of his mouth.

I rolled my eyes and then smiled back at him.

When I stared into his eyes, I saw everything that I’d been looking for in the park.

Tomorrow, he’d be someone else. But still alive, and that was what counted, right? He’d look at me with the same eyes, sort of. Smile with the same lips, almost. He’d still know me better than anyone who didn’t have full access to the inside of my head.

Liam might be an interesting companion, maybe even a true friend—someone who would stand up for me. But he wasn’t my _best_ friend the way Beau was. Aside from the impossible, unrequited love I felt for Beau, there was also that other bond, and it ran bone deep.

And that connection was more important to me than anything else.

Tomorrow he’d be my enemy. Or he’d be my ally. And, apparently, that distinction was up to me.

I sighed.

 _Fine!_ I thought, giving up the very last I had to give. It made me feel hollow. _Go ahead. Save him. As Ephraim’s heir, you have my permission, my word, that this will not violate the treaty. The others will just have to blame me. You were right—they can’t deny that it’s my right to agree to this._

“Thank you.” Edward’s whisper was low enough that Beau didn’t hear anything. But the words were so fervent that, from the corner of my eye, I saw the other vampires turning to stare.

“So,” Beau asked, working to be casual. “How was your day?”

“Great. Went for a drive. Hung out in the park.”

“Sounds nice.”

“Sure, sure.”

After a long moment, he huffed a sigh. “Roy?” he asked.

I heard Blondie chuckle. “Again?”

“I think I’ve drunk like two gallons of water in the last hour,” Beau explained.

Edward and I both got out of the way while Royal came to lift Beau from the couch and take him to the bathroom.

“Can I walk?” Beau asked. “My legs are so stiff.”

“Are you sure?” Edward asked.

“Royal will catch me if I collapse from sudden exhaustion.” He deadpanned.

Royal set Beau carefully on his feet, keeping his hands right at Beau’s shoulders. Beau stretched his arms out in front of him, wincing a little.

“That feels good,” he sighed. “Other than the sore ribs.” He took a deep breath and let out another long sigh. “One more day…”

I couldn’t help the pain that shot through me in a sudden, stabbing burst, but I tried to keep it off my face. I could hide it for one more day, right?

“All right,” He started, then he twisted out from Royal’s arms to face me, “Oh, Jake, can we talk when I get back? Please? Just some stuff I want… to… to…”

His face contorted in a strange, pained way. His right hand jumped to his left arm, and he was suddenly covered in a sheen of sweat. He gasped and stumbled backwards.

“His heart—Edward his heart!” Alice screamed.

I could hear it too, his heart was beating erratically, wildly

All of us rushed forward, but we were a second too late. Beau’s back hit the arm of the sofa at an odd angle and there was sickening cracking sound. He bounced off the sofa arm, and fell, his knees making a similar cracking sound as they hit the floor.

Edward caught his head before it also hit the floor.

Beau’s gasping cut off into a sickening, wet, gurgling noise.

“Beau? Beau?” Edward asked, and then his eyes unfocused, and panic shot across his features.

A half second later, Beau screamed.

It was not just a scream, it was a blood-curdling shriek of agony. The horrifying sound cut off with a gurgle, and his eyes rolled back into his head. His body twitched, arched in Edward’s arms, and then Beau vomited a fountain of blood.


	18. There Are No Words for This

Beau’s body, streaming with red, started to twitch, jerking around in Edward’s arms like he was being electrocuted. All the while, his face was contorted in pain. His arms were thrashing but his legs weren’t moving.

Edward and Royal were frozen for the shortest half second, and then they broke. Edward whipped Beau’s body into his arms, and, shouting so fast it was hard to separate the individual words, he and Royal shot up the staircase to the second floor.

I sprinted after them.

“Morphine!” Edward yelled at Royal.

“Alice—get Carlisle on the phone!” Royal shouted.

The room I followed them to looked like an emergency ward set up in the middle of a library. The lights were brilliant and white. Beau was on a table under the glare, skin ghostly in the spotlight. His body twitched now and then. I felt nauseous as I watched the blood that was coming out of his mouth and his nose. Royal held Beau still, yanking and ripping Beau’s bloodstained shirt out of the way, while Edward stabbed a syringe into his arm.

I couldn’t look anymore. I was afraid to have these memories in my head.

“What’s _happening_ , Edward?”

“He must be going into cardiac arrest.”

“Why is he bleeding so much?”

Somewhere in this, Beau took a sudden, rasping breath of air.

“Edward,” he choked, “Edw….”

“He’s hemorrhaging!”

Alice darted into the room, bags of blood in her hand. She handed them to Royal and backed away, her gold eyes wide and burning.

Royal hurried to set up the blood, he grabbed a clean needle from the nearby table, but in his haste he ripped the bag and fresh blood began to drip down his arm.

And then Royal lost his focus. I saw the expression on his face shift, saw his lips pull back from his teeth and his black eyes glint with thirst.

“No, Royal!” Edward roared, but his hands were trapped, trying to prop Beau upright so he could breathe.

I launched myself at Royal, jumping across the table without bothering to phase. As I hit his stone body, knocking him toward the door, I felt the needle in his hand stab deep into my left arm. My right palm smashed against his face, locking his jaw and blocking his airways.

I used my grip on Royal’s face to swing his body out so that I could land a solid kick in his gut; it was like kicking concrete. He flew into the door frame, buckling one side of it. Then Alice was there, yanking him by the throat to get him into the hall.

And I had to give to Blondie—he didn’t put up an ounce of fight. He _wanted_ us to win. He let me trash him like that to get him out of the way so we could save Beau.

I ripped the needle out of my arm.

“Alice, get Royal out of here!” Edward shouted. “Take him to Jasper and _keep_ him there! Jacob, I need you!”

I didn’t watch Alice finish the job. I wheeled back to the operating table, where Beau was turning blue, his eyes wide and staring.

“CPR?” Edward growled at me, fast and demanding.

“Yes!”

I judged his face swiftly, looking for any sign that he was going to react like Royal to the blood spilled all over the floor. There was nothing but single-minded ferocity.

“Get him breathing! I have to get the venom.”

I tried to get Beau in a neutral position so I could perform CPR, as I tried to align his spine, he let out an agonized cry of pain.

“His spine,” Edward choked in horror. “It’s broken.”

“Hurry up and do what you need to do!” I snarled.

And then I bent over Beau’s head. His mouth looked clear, so I pressed mine to his and blew a lungful of air into it. I felt his twitching body expand, so there was nothing blocking his throat.

His lips tasted like blood.

I could hear his heart, thumping unevenly, weakly. _Keep it going_. I thought fiercely at him, blowing another gust of air into his body. _You promised. Keep your heart beating._

He coughed back at me, his eyes blinking, rolling back into his head.

“You stay with _me_ now, Beau!” I yelled at him. “Do you hear me? Stay! You’re not leaving me. Keep your heart beating!”

His eyes wheeled, looking for me, or him, but seeing nothing.

“Ja…cob…” He breathed, “S…sorr…”

And then, with a last dull _ga-lump_ , his heart faltered and went silent.

He missed maybe half of one beat, and then my hands were on his chest, doing compressions. I counted in my head, trying to keep the rhythm steady. One. Two. Three. Four.

Breaking away for a second, I blew another lungful of air into him.

I couldn’t see anymore. My eyes were wet and blurry. But I was hyperaware of the sounds in the room. The unwilling _glug-glug_ of his heart under my demanding hands, the pounding of my own heart, and Edward’s ragged, panicked breathing.

I forced more air down Beau’s throat.

“What are you waiting for?” I choked out breathlessly, pumping his heart again. One. Two. Three. Four.

“His heart has to be beating. I could crush his ribcage. I need you to get his heart beating again.” Edward’s voice was urgent, broken.

One. Two. Three. Four.

“Get his heart beating.” He snarled as I breathed for Beau again.

One. Two. Three. Four.

Another breath.

Beau’s heart gave a weak, tentative thud.

“Move your hands, Jacob.”

I looked up from Beau’s white eyes, still pumping for him. Edward had a syringe in his hand—all silver, like it was made from steel.

“What’s that?”

His stone hand knocked mine out of the way. There was a tiny crunch as his blow broke my little finger. In the same second, he shoved the needle straight into Beau’s heart.

“My venom,” he answered as he pushed the plunger down.

I heard the jolt in Beau’s heart, like Edward had shocked him with paddles.

“Keep it moving,” he ordered. His voice was ice, was dead. Fierce and unthinking. Like he was a machine.

I ignored the healing ache in my finger and started pumping Beau’s heart again. It was harder, as if his blood was congealing there—thicker and slower. While I pushed the now-viscous blood through his arteries, I watched what Edward was doing.

It was like he was kissing Beau, brushing his lips at his throat, at his wrists, into the crease at the inside of his arm. But I could hear the lush tearing of Beau’s skin as Edward’s teeth bit through, again and again, forcing venom into Beau’s system at as many points as possible. I saw Edward’s pale tongue sweep along the bleeding gashes, but before this could make me either sick or angry, I realized what he was doing. Where his tongue washed the venom over Beau’s skin, it sealed shut. Holding the poison and the blood inside his body.

I blew more air into Beau’s mouth, but there was nothing there. Just the lifeless rise of his chest in response. I kept pumping his heart, counting, while Edward worked manically over him, trying to put him back together. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men...

But there was nothing there, just me, just him. Working over a corpse.

Because that’s all that was left of the boy we both loved. This broken, bleeding corpse. We couldn’t put Beau together again.

I knew it was too late. I knew he was dead. He had to be. Even Beau couldn’t survive this. Everything came crashing down on me. I had been so stupid. I could have had Beau as my best friend. Always in my life. But that hadn’t been good enough for me, and still  it would have been more than enough. If only I hadn’t been so blind. Now he was gone and there was no point anymore.

“Go, then,” Edward snapped, and he hit my hands out of the way again, taking my place this time. Three fingers broken, it felt like.

I straightened them numbly, not minding the throb of pain.

Edward pushed Beau’s dead heart faster than I had.

“He’s not dead,” he growled. “He’s going to be fine.”

I wasn’t sure he was talking to me anymore.

Turning away, leaving him with what was left of Beau, I walked slowly to the door. So slowly. I couldn’t make my feet move faster.

This was it, then. The ocean of pain. The other shore so far away across the boiling water that I couldn’t imagine it, much less see it.

I felt empty again, now that I’d lost my purpose. Saving Beau had been my fight for so long now. And he wouldn’t be saved. He couldn’t be saved. He had wanted to stay human just a little longer for everyone he’d be leaving behind before he would go join his vampires forever. Now we all lost him. It was all over.

I shuddered at the sound coming from behind me as I plodded down the stairs—the sound of a dead heart being forced to thud.

I wanted to somehow pour bleach inside my head and let it fry my brain. To burn away the images left from Beau’s final minutes. I’d take the brain damage if I could get rid of that—the screaming, the bleeding, the unbearable sight of Beau’s dead body.

I wanted to sprint away, to take the stairs ten at a time and race out the door, but my feet were heavy as iron and my body was more tired than it had ever been before. I shuffled down the stairs like a crippled old man.

I rested at the bottom step, gathering my strength to get out the door.

Royal and Alice stood in the living room, somber, silent. They watched as I slowly trudged my way out the front door.

I stumbled on my way down the porch, landing in a heap on the cold ground.

Then I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I burst into violent tears. Deep, painful sobs broke through my chest as every moment I had spent with Beau from that first time on First Beach to now replayed in my head. At one point, it had almost seemed like the saddest romance movie ever. It was a tragedy now. A horror movie.

I was barely aware of the footsteps at the edge of the forest.

“Beau didn’t make it.” Seth. He wasn’t asking.

I could hear steps coming toward me, but I didn’t look up. Then someone knelt down in front of me, placing steadying hands on my shaking shoulders.

“Go away.” I sobbed.

The hands moved to my face, pulled them up. Liam looked down at me, his face full of sorrow and concern.

“I’m so sorry, Jacob. I’m so, so sorry.” He said softly.

The sobs broke through my throat again, and my arms wrapped around Liam’s waist. Desperately gripping onto some sort of comfort, if that was even possible. I sobbed into his chest as he put his arms around me and held me.

Seth joined us a second later, putting a hand on my shoulder.

My pack was here to comfort me, help me, in this unbearable and agonizing moment. There was nothing but my sobs breaking through the dead silence. Seth’s hand gently squeezing my shoulder.

And Liam.

Liam’s arms tight around me, keeping me from falling into nothingness, from drowning in that ocean of pain. Holding me there, comforting me. Trying to assure me that somehow, someday, it would be okay.

And then, from upstairs, there was a new sound. The only sound that could touch me in this wretched moment.

A frantic pounding, a racing beat…

A changing heart.

 

 


	19. Burning

**Book III**

**Beau**

* * *

 

 

_I argue thee that love is life._

_And life has immortality._

_-_ Emily Dickinson

 

* * *

 

**Preface**

No longer just a nightmare, the line of black advanced on us through the icy mist stirred up by their feet.

 _We’re going to die,_ I thought in panic. I was desperate for the loved ones I guarded, but even to think of that was a lapse in attention I could not afford.

They ghosted closer, their dark robes billowing slightly with the movement. I saw their hands curl into bone-colored claws. They drifted apart, angling to come at us from all sides. We were outnumbered. It was over.

And then, like a burst of light from a flash, the whole scene was different. Yet nothing changed—the Volturi still stalked toward us, poised to kill. All that really changed was how the picture looked to me. Suddenly, I was hungry for it. I _wanted_ them to charge. The panic changed to bloodlust as I crouched forward, a smile on my face, and a growl ripped through my bared teeth.

 

* * *

 

 

**Chapter 19. Burning**

The pain was bewildering.

Exactly that—I was bewildered. I couldn’t understand, couldn’t make sense of what was happening.

My body tried to reject the pain, and I was sucked again and again into the blackness that cut whole seconds or maybe even minutes of the agony, making it that much harder to keep up with reality.

I tried to separate them.

Non-reality was black, and it didn’t hurt so much.

Reality was red, and it felt like I was being sawed in half, hit by a bus, punched by a prize fighter, trampled by bulls, and submerged in acid, all at the same time.

Reality was feeling my body twitch and spasm when I couldn’t possibly move because of the pain.

Reality was knowing there was something so much more important than all this torture, and not being able to remember what it was.

Reality had come on so fast.

One moment, everything was as it should have been. Surrounded by people I loved. Smiles. Somehow, unlikely as it was, it seemed like I was about to get everything I’d been fighting for.

And then it all went wrong.

I’d felt the odd thump in my chest, a strange and unwelcome spasm. Then the growing pain that spread from my chest to my arm before the searing pain of my heart stopping and panicking sent me reeling backwards.

If the pain in my chest had been bad, the feeling of my spine snapping against the hard arm of the sofa was unbearable.

Cracking. Breaking. Agony.

The darkness had taken over, and then washed away to a wave of torture. I couldn’t breathe—I had drowned once before, and this was different; it was too hot in my throat.

Pieces of me shattering, snapping, slicing apart…

More blackness.

Voices, this time, shouting, as the pain came back.

“He must be going into cardiac arrest.”

More pain, more shouting, less awareness. Then a slight reprieve. Some air. A deep breath of painful air.

“Edward,” I choked out his name through my pain. “Edw—”

I was cut off, my throat was hot again. Everything was hot and cold all at once.

The pain faded away again.

How long had passed? Seconds or minutes? The pain was gone. Numb. I couldn’t feel. I still couldn’t see, either, but I could hear. There was air in my lungs again, scraping in rough bubbles up and down my throat.

“You stay with _me_ now, Beau! Do you hear me? Stay! You’re not leaving me. Keep your heart beating!”

Jacob? Jacob, still here, still trying to save me.

 _Of course_ , I wanted to tell him. Of course I would keep my heart beating. Hadn’t I promised them both?

“Ja… cob…” I breathed, “S…Sorr…”

I tried to give Jacob that apology he so desperately deserved. But I didn’t have the strength anymore.My arms felt like empty rubber hoses for a moment, and then they felt like nothing at all. I couldn’t feel them. I couldn’t feel _me_.

The blackness rushed over my eyes more solidly than before. Like a thick blindfold, firm and fast. Covering not just my eyes but also my _self_ with a crushing weight. It was exhausting to push against it. I knew it would be so much easier to give in. To let the blackness push me down, down, down to a place where there was no pain and no weariness and no worry and no fear.

If it had only been for myself, I wouldn’t have been able to struggle very long. I was only human, with no more than human strength. I’d been trying to keep up with the supernatural for too long.

But this wasn’t just about me.

If I did the easy thing now, let the black nothingness erase me, I would hurt them.

Edward. My Edward. My life and his were twisted into a single strand. Cut one, and you cut both. If he were gone, I would not be able to live through that. If I were gone, he wouldn’t live through it, either. And a world without Edward seemed completely pointless. Edward _had_ to exist.

Jacob—who’d said goodbye to me over and over but kept coming back when I needed him. Jacob, who I’d wounded so many times it was criminal. Would I hurt him again, the worst way yet? He’d stayed for me, despite everything. Now all he asked was that I stay for him.

But it was so dark here that I couldn’t see either of their faces. Nothing seemed real. That made it hard not to just give up.

I kept pushing against the black, though, almost a reflex. I wasn’t trying to lift it. I was just resisting. Not allowing it to crush me completely. I wasn’t Atlas, and the black felt as heavy as a planet; I couldn’t shoulder it. All I could do was not be entirely obliterated.

It was sort of the pattern to my life—I’d never been strong enough to deal with the things outside my control, to attack the enemies or outrun them. To avoid the pain. Always human and weak, the only thing I’d ever been able to do was keep going. Endure. Survive.

It had been enough up to this point. It would have to be enough today. I would endure this until help came.

I knew Edward would be doing everything he could. He would not give up. Neither would I.

I held the blackness of nonexistence at bay by inches.

It wasn’t enough, though—that determination. As the time ground on and on and the darkness gained by tiny eighths and sixteenths of my inches, I needed something more to draw strength from.

I couldn’t pull even Edward’s face into view. Not Jacob’s, not Alice’s or Royal’s or Charlie’s or Renée’s or Carlisle’s or Esme’s... Nothing. It terrified me, and I wondered if it was too late.

I felt myself slipping—there was nothing to hold on to.

 _No!_ I had to survive this. Edward was depending on me. Jacob. Charlie, Alice, Royal, Carlisle, Renée, Emmett, Esme, Jasper, Jessica, Angela, Mike…

All the connections, all the important people in my life.

I had been foolish, selfish, to put everyone through this. I had made them wait, refused a cure when I needed it most so I could put all the pieces of my life in perfect order. What I thought was the right decision. But now, I was at risk of hurting them all more than ever. Dying wouldn’t be right. I couldn’t put any of them through that.

So I would survive. I would hold on.

Dying is easy, living is harder.

And then, though I still couldn’t see anything, suddenly I could _feel_ something. Like phantom limbs, I imagined I could feel myself again. Like a small spot of heat somewhere deep inside me.

I could do this. I had survived so much before now. I would keep surviving. I would wake up.

I would tell Edward how much I loved him, apologize for ever making him think I regretted choosing him.

I would tell Jacob how sorry I was and how much I valued him as a friend and hope that would be enough for him.

I would see Charlie, my mom, my friends. Some day.

That spot of heat in my phantom body felt so real. I clutched it closer. It was exactly where my heart should be. Holding tight the warm memory of my loved ones, I knew that I would be able to fight the darkness as long as I needed to.

The warmth inside my heart got more and more real, warmer and warmer. Hotter. The heat was so real it was hard to believe that I was imagining it.

Hotter.

Uncomfortable now. Too hot. Much, much too hot.

Like accidentally placing a hand on a hot stove—my automatic response was to wrench my body away from the heat. But there was no way to do that. My body was not mine to control right now. My body was a dead thing lying in darkness and that heat was inside of me.

The burning grew—rose and peaked and rose again until it surpassed anything I’d ever felt.

I felt the pulse behind the fire raging now in my chest and realized that I’d found my heart again, just in time to wish I never had. To wish that I’d embraced the blackness while I’d still had the chance. I wanted to raise my arms and claw my chest open and rip the heart from it—anything to get rid of this torture. But I couldn’t feel my arms, couldn’t move one vanished finger.

James, snapping my leg under his foot. That was nothing. That was a soft place to rest on a feather bed. I’d take that now, a hundred times. A hundred snaps. I’d take it and be grateful.

The sickness, ravaging my body, weakening me to the point of death. That was nothing. That was floating in a pool of cool water. I’d take it a thousand times. Take it and be grateful.

The fire blazed hotter and I wanted to scream. To beg for someone to kill me now, before I lived one more second in this pain. But I couldn’t move my lips. The weight was still there, pressing on me.

I realized it wasn’t the darkness holding me down; it was my body. So heavy. Burying me in the flames that were chewing their way out from my heart now, spreading with impossible pain through my shoulders and stomach, scalding their way up my throat, licking at my face.

Why couldn’t I move? Why couldn’t I scream? This wasn’t part of the stories.

My mind was unbearably clear—sharpened by the fierce pain—and I saw the answer almost as soon as I could form the questions.

The morphine.

It seemed like a million deaths ago that we’d discussed it—Edward, Carlisle, and I. Edward and Carlisle had hoped that enough painkillers would help fight the pain of the venom. Carlisle had tried with Emmett, but the venom had burned ahead of the medicine, sealing his veins. There hadn’t been time for it to spread.

I’d kept my face smooth and nodded and thanked my rarely lucky stars that Edward could not read my mind.

Because I’d had morphine and venom together in my system before, and I knew the truth. I knew the numbness of the medicine was completely irrelevant while the venom seared through my veins. But I thought, foolishly, that keeping that fact to myself was better. That it would make the whole process easier for everyone else, for Edward...

I hadn’t guessed that the morphine would have this effect—that it would pin me down and gag me. Hold me paralyzed while I burned.

I knew all the stories. I knew that Carlisle had kept quiet enough to avoid discovery while he burned. I knew that, according to Royal, it did no good to scream. And I’d hoped that maybe I could be like Carlisle. That I would believe Royal’s words and keep my mouth shut. Because I knew that every scream that escaped my lips would torment Edward.

Now it seemed like a hideous joke that I was getting my wish fulfilled. If I couldn’t scream, _how could I tell them to kill me?_

All I wanted was to die. To never have been born. The whole of my existence did not outweigh this pain. Wasn’t worth living through it for one more heartbeat.

Let me die, let me die, let me die.

And, for a never-ending space, that was all there was. Just the fiery torture, and my soundless shrieks, pleading for death to come. Nothing else, not even time. So that made it infinite, with no beginning and no end. One infinite moment of pain.

The only change came when suddenly, impossibly, my pain was doubled. The lower half of my body, deadened since before the morphine, was suddenly on fire, too. Some broken connection had been healed—knitted together by the scorching fingers of the flame.

The endless burn raged on.

It could have been seconds or days, weeks or years, but, eventually, time came to mean something again.

Three things happened together, grew from each other so that I didn’t know which came first: time restarted, the morphine’s weight faded, and I got stronger.

I could feel the control of my body come back to me in increments, and those increments were my first markers of the time passing. I knew it when I was able to twitch my toes and twist my fingers into fists. I knew it, but I did not act on it.

Though the fire did not decrease one tiny degree—in fact, I began to develop a new capacity for experiencing it, a new sensitivity to appreciate, separately, each blistering tongue of flame that licked through my veins—I discovered that I could think around it.

At first I became aware of an acute difference between the burning. Because there were two different kinds of burning in my body now. I remembered the pain from when James had bit me. I had likened it to fire at the time, but I was wrong. The burn of the venom wasn’t like fire. It was a cold burn. I knew that because I had something to compare it to now; the second kind of burning. This sensation was heat. Searing fire. It was a torturous and odd sensation. Fire and ice burning in my body.

Then, after cataloguing all this, I could remember _why_ I shouldn’t scream. I could remember the reason why I’d committed to enduring this unendurable agony. I could remember that, though it felt impossible now, there was something that might be worth the torture.

This happened just in time for me to hold on when the weights left my body. To anyone watching me, there would be no change. But for me, as I struggled to keep the screams and thrashing locked up inside my body, where they couldn’t hurt anyone else, it felt like I’d gone from being _tied_ to the stake as I burned, to _gripping_ that stake to hold myself in the fire.

I had just enough strength to lie there unmoving while I was charred and frozen alive.

My hearing got clearer and clearer, and I could count the frantic, pounding beats of my heart to mark the time.

I could count the shallow breaths that gasped through my teeth.

I could count the low, even breaths that came from somewhere close beside me. These moved slowest, so I concentrated on them. They meant the most time passing. More even than a clock’s pendulum, those breaths pulled me through the burning seconds toward the end.

I continued to get stronger, my thoughts clearer. When new noises came, I could listen.

There were light footsteps, the whisper of air stirred by an opening door. The footsteps got closer, and I felt pressure against the inside of my wrist. I couldn’t feel the kind coolness of the fingers. The fire—cold and hot—pushed away every memory of bearable cool.

“Still no change?”

“None.”

The lightest pressure, breath against my freezing, burning skin. “There’s no scent of the morphine left.”

“I know.”

“Beau? Can you hear me?”

I knew, beyond all doubt, that if I unlocked my teeth I would lose it—I would shriek and screech and writhe and thrash. If I opened my eyes, if I so much as twitched a finger—any change at all would be the end of my control.

“Beau? Beau, love? Can you open your eyes? Can you squeeze my hand?”

Pressure on my fingers. It was harder not to answer this voice, but I stayed paralyzed. I knew that the pain in his voice now was nothing compared to what it _could_ be. Right now he only _feared_ that I was suffering.

“Maybe... Carlisle, maybe I was too late.” His voice was muffled; it broke on the word _late._

My resolve wavered for a second.

“Listen to his heart, Edward. It’s stronger than even Emmett’s was. I’ve never heard anything so _vital_. He’ll be perfect.”

Yes, I was right to keep quiet. Carlisle would reassure him. He didn’t need to suffer with me.

“And his—his spine?”

“His injuries weren’t so much worse than Esme’s. The venom will heal him as it did Esme.”

“But he’s so still. I _must_ have done something wrong.”

“Or something right, Edward. Son, you did everything I could have and more. I’m not sure I would have had the persistence, the faith it took to save him. Stop berating yourself. Beau is going to be fine.”

A broken whisper. “He must be in agony.”

“We don’t know that. He had so much morphine in his system. We don’t know the effect that will have on his experience. Or how Alice’s visions will play into things.”

Alice’s visions were working again? What had she seen?

“None of us know about that.”

“We can’t dwell on it now.”

Faint pressure inside the crease of my elbow. Another whisper. “Beau, I love you. Beau, I’m sorry.”

I wanted so much to answer him, but I wouldn’t make his pain worse. Not while I had the strength to hold myself still.

Through all this, the racking fires went right on burning me and freezing me. But there was so much space in my head now. Room to ponder their conversation, room to remember what had happened, room to look ahead to the future, with still endless room left over to suffer in.

Also room to worry.

Where was Jacob? Was he okay? Why weren’t they talking about him? And what about the wolves? Had the tribe declared war? Why weren’t they talking about that?

“No, I’m staying right here,” Edward whispered, answering an unspoken thought. “They’ll sort it out.”

“An interesting situation,” Carlisle responded. “And I’d thought I’d seen just about everything.”

“I’ll deal with it later. _We’ll_ deal with it.” Something pressed softly to my blistering palm.

“I’m sure, between the five of us, we can figure it out.”

Edward sighed. “I don’t know what to think about it right now, to be honest.”

“I wonder what Beau will think—whose side he’ll take,” Carlisle mused.

One low, strained chuckle. “I’m sure he’ll surprise me. He always does.”

Carlisle’s footsteps faded away again, and I was frustrated that there was no further explanation. Were they talking so mysteriously just to annoy me?

I went back to counting Edward’s breaths to mark the time.

Ten thousand, nine hundred forty-three breaths later, a different set of footsteps whispered into the room. Lighter. More... rhythmic.

Strange that I could distinguish the minute differences between footsteps that I’d never been able to hear at all before today.

“How much longer?” Edward asked.

“It won’t be long now,” Alice told him. “See how clear he’s becoming? I can see him so much better.” She sighed.

“Still feeling a little bitter?”

“Yes, thanks so much for bringing it up,” she grumbled. “You would be mortified, too, if every limitation you had was suddenly forced upon you all at once. I see vampires best, because I am one; I see humans okay, because I was one. But all the indecision and unpredictability was wreaking absolute havoc on my visions.” A tiny huff of air. “And now I can’t see these new house guests at all because they’re nothing I’ve experienced. Bah!”

“Focus, Alice.”

“Right. Beau’s almost too easy to see now. Which is a relief, considering.”

There was a long moment of silence, and then Edward sighed. It was a new sound, happier.

“He’s really going to be fine,” he breathed.

“Of course he is.”

“You weren’t so sanguine two days ago.”

“I couldn’t _see_ right two days ago. But now that he’s free of all the blind spots, it’s a piece of cake.”

“Could you concentrate for me? On the clock—give me an estimate.”

Alice sighed. “So impatient. Fine. Give me a sec—”

Quiet breathing.

“Thank you, Alice.” His voice was brighter.

 _How long?_ Couldn’t they at least say it aloud for me? Was that too much to ask? How many more seconds would I burn? Ten thousand? Twenty? Another day—eighty-six thousand, four hundred? More than that?

“He’s going to be dazzling.”

Edward growled quietly. “He always has been.”

Alice snorted. “You know what I mean. _Look_ at him.”

Edward didn’t answer, but Alice’s words gave me hope that maybe I didn’t resemble the charcoal briquette I felt like. It seemed as if I _must_ be just a pile of charred bones by now. Every cell in my body had been razed to ash.

I heard Alice breeze out of the room. I heard the swish of the fabric she moved, rubbing against itself. I heard the quiet buzz of the light hanging from the ceiling. I heard the faint wind brushing against the outside of the house. I could hear _everything._

Downstairs, someone was watching a ball game. The Mariners were winning by two runs.

“Give me the remote,” I heard Royal snap at someone, and there was a low snarl in response.

“Hey, now,” Emmett cautioned.

Someone hissed.

I listened for more, but there was nothing but the game. Baseball was not interesting enough to distract me from the pain, so I listened to Edward’s breathing again, counting the seconds.

Twenty-one thousand, nine hundred seventeen and a half seconds later, the pain changed.

On the good-news side of things, it started to fade from my fingertips and toes. Fading _slowly_ , but at least it was doing something new. This had to be it. The pain was on its way out....

And then the bad news: The fire inside my heart got hotter. How was that _possible_?

My heartbeat, already too fast, picked up—the fire drove its rhythm to a new frantic pace.

“Carlisle,” Edward called. His voice was low but clear. I knew that Carlisle would hear it, if he were in or near the house.

The fire retreated from my palms, leaving them blissfully pain-free and cool. But it retreated to my heart, which blazed hot as the sun and cold as ice as it beat at a furious new speed.

Carlisle entered the room, Alice at his side. Their footsteps were so distinct, I could even tell that Carlisle was on the right, and a foot ahead of Alice.

“Listen,” Edward told them.

The loudest sound in the room was my frenzied heart, pounding to the rhythm of the fire.

“Ah,” Carlisle said. “It’s almost over.”

My relief at his words was overshadowed by the excruciating pain in my heart.

My wrists were free, though, and my ankles. The fire was totally extinguished there.

“Soon,” Alice agreed eagerly. “I’ll get the others. Should we have…?”

“No, keep the boys away.”

What? What boys? Holy crow, was everyone determined to upset me right now?

My fingers twitched—the irritation breaking through my perfect façade. The room went silent besides the jack-hammering of my heart as they all stopped breathing for a second in response.

A hand squeezed my wayward fingers. “Beau? Beau, love?”

Could I answer him without screaming? I considered that for a moment, and then the fire ripped hotter still through my chest, draining in from my elbows and knees. Better not to chance it.

“I’ll bring them right up,” Alice said, an urgent edge to her tone, and I heard the swish of wind as she darted away.

And then— _oh!_

My heart took off, beating like helicopter blades, the sound almost a single sustained note; it felt like it would grind through my ribs. The fire flared up in the center of my chest, sucking the last remnants of the flames and ice from the rest of my body to fuel the most freezing and scorching blaze yet. The pain was enough to stun me, to break through my iron grip on the stake. My back arched, bowed as if the fire was dragging me upward by my heart.

I allowed no other piece of my body to break rank as my torso slumped back to the table.

It became a battle inside me—my sprinting heart racing against the attacking fire. Both were losing. The fire was doomed, having consumed everything that was combustible; my heart galloped toward its last beat.

The fire constricted, concentrating inside that one remaining human organ with a final, unbearable surge. The surge was answered by a deep, hollow-sounding thud. My heart stuttered twice, and then thudded quietly again just once more.

There was no sound. No breathing. Not even mine.

For a moment, the absence of pain was all I could comprehend.

And then I opened my eyes and gazed above me in wonder.


	20. New

Everything was so _clear._

Sharp. Defined.

The brilliant light overhead was still blinding-bright, and yet I could plainly see the glowing strands of the filaments inside the bulb. I could see each color of the rainbow in the white light, and, at the very edge of the spectrum, an eighth color I had no name for.

Behind the light, I could distinguish the individual grains in the dark wood ceiling above. In front of it, I could see the dust motes in the air, the sides the light touched, and the dark sides, distinct and separate. They spun like little planets, moving around each other in a celestial dance.

The dust was so beautiful that I inhaled in shock; the air whistled down my throat, swirling the motes into a vortex. The action felt strange in my chest. I realized it must have been because I hadn’t breathed in since I opened my eyes. That made sense, though. I didn’t _need_ air anymore, at least not strictly speaking. But something was still strange about it to me. I was too distracted at that moment to give it more thought.  

Distracted, because in that breath of air I could taste the room around me—taste the lovely dust motes, the mix of the stagnant air mingling with the flow of slightly cooler air from the open door. Taste a lush whiff of silk. Taste a faint hint of something warm and desirable, something that should be moist, but wasn’t.... That smell caused a faint, dry burn in my throat, the faintest echo of the venom burn, though the scent was tainted by the bite of chlorine and ammonia. And most of all, I could taste an almost-honey-lilac-and-sun- flavored scent that was the strongest thing, the closest thing to me.

I heard the sound of the others, breathing again now that I did. Their breath mixed with the scent that was something just off honey and lilac and sunshine, bringing new flavors. Cinnamon, hyacinth, pear, seawater, rising bread, pine, vanilla, leather, apple, moss, lavender, chocolate.... I traded a dozen different comparisons in my mind, but none of them fit exactly. So sweet and pleasant.

The TV downstairs had been muted, and I heard someone shift their weight on the first floor.

I also heard a faint, thudding rhythm, with a voice shouting angrily to the beat. Rap music? I was mystified for a moment, and then the sound faded away like a car passing by with the windows rolled down.

With a start, I realized that this could be exactly right. Could I hear all the way to the freeway?

I listened in wonder with my new ears. All the new sounds I could hear and how easily I could discern their meaning. Somewhere in the nearby woods, a small creature—a bird, likely—was pecking with some irritation at the earth. Perhaps searching for food. A slight breeze was moving through the leaves and grass outside the house creating a beautiful flowing sound. The ease and clarity with which I could hear everything would have been overwhelming were it not for the speed at which my mind processed them. The only sound a couldn’t place was a soft, gentle thumping rhythm. I could hear it somewhere just behind my ears. I almost recognized this sound, and I had a sense that something was slightly off in its gentle cadence.

I didn’t realize someone was holding my hand until whoever it was squeezed it lightly. Like it had before to hide the pain, my body locked down again in surprise. This was not a touch I expected. The skin was perfectly smooth, but it was the wrong temperature. Not icy cold.

After that first frozen second of shock, my body responded to the unfamiliar touch in a way that shocked me even more.

Air hissed up my throat, spitting through my clenched teeth with a low, menacing sound like a swarm of bees. Before the sound was out, my muscles bunched and arched, twisting away from the unknown. I flipped off my back in a spin so fast it should have turned the room into an incomprehensible blur—but it did not. I saw every dust mote, every splinter in the wood-paneled walls, every loose thread in microscopic detail as my eyes whirled past them.

So by the time I found myself crouched against the wall defensively—about a sixteenth of a second later—I already understood what had startled me, and that I had overreacted.

Oh. Of course. Edward wouldn’t feel cold to me. We were the same temperature now. Or nearly the same. He had still felt cooler to me by some degrees. I held my pose for an eighth of a second longer, adjusting to the scene before me.

Edward was leaning across the operating table that had been my pyre, his hand reached out toward me, his expression anxious.

Edward’s face was the most important thing, but my peripheral vision catalogued everything else, just in case. Some instinct to defend had been triggered, and I automatically searched for any sign of danger.

My vampire family waited cautiously against the far wall by the door, Emmett and Jasper in the front. Like there _was_ danger. My nostrils flared, searching for the threat. I could smell nothing out of place. That faint scent of something warm and inviting—but marred by harsh chemicals—tickled my throat again, setting it to a slight aching and burning.

Alice was peeking around Jasper’s elbow with wide eyes. Somewhere between nervous and excited, with a wide grin.

That grin reassured me and then put the pieces together. Jasper and Emmett were in the front to protect the others, as I had assumed. What I hadn’t grasped immediately was that _I_ was the danger.

All this was a sideline. The greater part of my senses and my mind were still focused on Edward’s face.

I had never seen it before this second.

How many times had I stared at Edward and marveled over his beauty? How much had that perfect face danced through my mind? I thought I’d known his face better than my own. I had thought that even his handsome face could become no more beautiful than it already was.

I may as well have been blind.

For the first time, with the dimming shadows and limiting weakness of humanity taken off my eyes, I saw his face. I gasped and then struggled with my vocabulary, unable to find the right words. I needed better words.

At this point, the other part of my attention had ascertained that there was no danger here besides myself, and I automatically straightened out of my crouch; almost a whole second had passed since I’d been on the table.

I was momentarily preoccupied by the way my body moved. The instant I’d considered standing erect, I was already straight. There was no brief fragment of time in which the action occurred; change was instantaneous, almost as if there was no movement at all.

I continued to stare at Edward’s face, motionless again.

He moved slowly around the table—each step taking nearly half a second, each step flowing sinuously like river water weaving over smooth stones—his hand still outstretched.

I watched the grace of his advance, absorbing it with my new eyes.

“Beau?” he asked in a low, calming tone, but the worry in his voice layered my name with tension.

I couldn’t answer immediately; his voice—like his face—seemed to reach new levels of musicality to my ears. I could hear every subtle nuance and tone in the single word he spoke. Comparing it to my human memories, I would have thought I had spent my life up to this point with cotton in my ears.

“Beau, love? I’m sorry, I know it’s disorienting. But you’re all right. Everything is fine.”

Everything? My mind spun out, spiraling back to my last human hour. Already, the memory seemed dim, like I was watching through a thick, dark veil—because my human eyes had been half blind. Everything had been so blurred.

When he said everything was fine, did that include Jacob? Was _he_ fine? Did my long-suffering best friend hate me now? Had he gone back to Sam’s pack? Seth and Liam, too?

Were the Cullens safe, or had my transformation ignited the war with the pack? Did Edward’s blanket assurance cover all of that? Or was he just trying to calm me?

And Charlie? What would I tell him now? He must have called while I was burning. What had they told him? What did he think had happened to me?

As I deliberated for one small piece of a second over which question to ask first, Edward reached out tentatively and stroked his fingertips across my cheek. Smooth as satin, soft as a feather, and that same cool touch that I had longed for during my painful burning.

His touch seemed to sweep beneath the surface of my skin, right through the bones of my face. The feeling was tingly, electric—it jolted through my bones, down my spine, and trembled in my stomach.

 _Wait_ , I thought as the trembling blossomed into a warmth, a yearning. Wasn’t I supposed to lose this? Wasn’t giving up this feeling a part of the bargain?

I was a newborn vampire. And I knew what being a newborn entailed. Human emotions and longings would come back to me later in some form, but I’d accepted that I would not feel them in the beginning. Only thirst. That was the deal, the price. I’d agreed to pay it.

But as Edward’s hand curled to the shape of my face like satin-covered steel, desire raced through my veins, singing from my scalp to my toes.

He arched one perfect eyebrow, waiting for me to speak. I threw my arms around him.

Again, it was like there was no movement. One moment I stood straight and still as a statue; in the same instant, he was in my arms.

Warmer—or at least, that was my perception—than I had ever felt him. With the sweet, delicious scent that I’d never been able to really take in with my dull human senses, but that was one hundred percent Edward. I pressed my face into his smooth chest.

And then he shifted his weight uncomfortably. Leaned away from my embrace. I stared up at his face, confused and frightened by the rejection.

“Um... carefully, Beau. Ow.”

I yanked my arms away, folding them behind my back as soon as I understood.

I was too strong.

“Oops,” I mouthed.

He smiled the kind of smile that would have stopped my heart if it were still beating.

“Don’t panic, love,” he said, lifting his hand to touch my lips, distracting me from my train of thought. “You’re just a bit stronger than I am for the moment.”

My eyebrows pushed together. I’d known this, too, but it felt more surreal than any other part of this ultimately surreal moment. I was stronger than Edward. I’d made him say _ow_.

His hand stroked my cheek again, and I all but forgot my distress as another wave of desire rippled through my motionless body.

These emotions were so much stronger than I was used to that it was hard to stick to one train of thought despite the extra room in my head. Each new sensation overwhelmed me. I remembered Edward saying once—his voice in my head a weak shadow compared to the crystal, musical clarity I was hearing now—that his kind, _our_ kind, were easily distracted. I could see why.

I made a concerted effort to focus. There was something I needed to say. The most important thing.

Very carefully, so carefully that the movement was actually discernible, I brought my right arm out from behind my back and raised my hand to touch his cheek. I refused to let myself be sidetracked by the pearly color of my hand or by the smooth silk of his skin or by the charge that zinged in my fingertips.

I stared into his eyes and heard my own voice for the first time.

“I love you,” I said, but it sounded like singing. My voice rang and shimmered like a bell.

His answering smile dazzled me more than it ever had when I was human; I could really see it now.

“As I love you,” he told me.

He took my face between his hands and leaned his face to mine—slow enough to remind me to be careful. He kissed me, soft as a whisper at first, and then suddenly stronger, fiercer. I tried to remember to be gentle with him, but it was hard work to remember anything in the onslaught of sensation, hard to hold on to any coherent thoughts.

It was like he’d never kissed me—like this was our first kiss. And, in truth, he’d never kissed me _this_ way before.

It almost made me feel guilty. Surely this was breaking some sort of rule. I couldn’t be allowed to have this, too.

My breathing sped, raced as fast as it had when I was burning. This was a different kind of fire.

Someone cleared his throat. Emmett. I recognized the deep sound at once, joking and annoyed at the same time.

I’d forgotten we weren’t alone. And then I realized that the way I was curved around Edward now was not exactly polite for company.

Embarrassed, I half-stepped away in another instantaneous movement.

Edward chuckled and stepped with me, keeping his arms tight around my waist. His face was glowing—like a white flame burned from behind his diamond skin.

I took an unnecessary breath to settle myself.

How different this kissing was! I read his expression as I compared the indistinct human memories to this clear, intense feeling. He looked... a little smug.

“You’ve been holding out on me,” I accused in my singing voice, my eyes narrowing a tiny bit.

He laughed, radiant with relief that it was all over—the fear, the pain, the uncertainties, the waiting, all of it behind us now. “It was sort of necessary at the time,” he reminded me. “Now it’s your turn to not break _me_.” He laughed again.

I frowned as I considered that, and then Edward was not the only one laughing.

Carlisle stepped around Emmett and walked toward me swiftly; his eyes were only slightly wary, but Jasper shadowed his footsteps. I’d never seen Carlisle’s face before either, not really. I had an odd urge to blink—like I was staring at the sun.

“How do you feel, Beau?” Carlisle asked.

I considered that for a sixty-fourth of a second.

“Overwhelmed. There’s so _much…_ ” I trailed off, listening to the bell-tone of my voice again.

“Yes, it can be quite confusing.”

I nodded one fast, jerky bob. “But I feel like me. Sort of. I didn’t expect that.”

Edward’s arms squeezed lightly around my waist. “I told you so,” he whispered.

“You are quite controlled,” Carlisle mused. “More so than _I_ expected, even with the time you had to prepare yourself mentally for this.”

I thought about the wild mood swings, the difficulty concentrating, and whispered, “I’m not sure about that.”

He nodded seriously, and then his jeweled eyes glittered with interest. “Indeed... Beau, tell me, what do you remember of the transformation process?”

I hesitated, intensely aware of Edward’s breath brushing against my cheek, sending whispers of electricity through my skin.

“Everything was... very dim before.” Was all I could say, glancing up at Edward. Then back to Carlisle, focusing on my poker face. “It’s hard to remember. It was so dark before. And then… I opened my eyes and I could see _everything_.”

“Interesting,” Carlisle breathed, his eyes searching mine.

Chagrin washed through me, and I waited for the heat to burn in my cheeks and give me away. And then I remembered that I would never blush again. Maybe that would protect Edward from the truth.

I’d have to find a way to tip off Carlisle, though. Someday. If he ever needed to create another vampire. That possibility seemed very unlikely, which made me feel better about lying.

“I want you to think—to tell me everything you remember,” Carlisle pressed with a sense of urgency and seriousness, and I couldn’t help the grimace that flashed across my face. I didn’t want to have to keep lying, because I might slip up. And I didn’t want to think about the burning. Unlike the human memories, that part was perfectly clear and I found I could remember it with far too much precision.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, Beau,” Carlisle apologized immediately. “I imagine your thirst must be very uncomfortable. This conversation can wait.”

Until he’d mentioned it, the thirst actually hadn’t even been a thought. There was so much room in my head. A separate part of my brain was keeping tabs on the burn in my throat, almost like a reflex. The way my old brain had handled breathing and blinking.

I would have expected Carlisle’s assumption to bring the burn to the forefront of my mind. Edward had often warned me that the thirst could be overwhelming and consuming. But even then, the dry ache in the back of my throat was painful, annoying even, but not nearly as bad as I had fearfully imagined before. My hand was at my throat in a flash, my fingers grazing my neck in confusion. The skin there was strange to the touch. So smooth it was somehow soft, though it was hard as stone, too.

Edward dropped his arms and took my other hand, tugging gently. “Let’s hunt, Beau.”

My eyes widened in shock as I considered his words.

Me? Hunt? With Edward? But... _how?_ I didn’t know what to do.

He read the alarm in my expression and smiled encouragingly. “It’s quite easy, love. Instinctual. Don’t worry, I’ll show you.” When I didn’t move, he grinned his crooked smile and raised his eyebrows. “I was under the impression that you’d always _wanted_ to see me hunt.”

I laughed in a short burst of humor (part of me listened in wonder to the pealing bell sound) as his words reminded me of cloudy human conversations. And then I took a whole second to run quickly through those first days with Edward in my head so that I would never forget them. I did not expect that it would be so uncomfortable to remember. Like trying to squint through muddy water. I knew from Royal’s experience that if I thought of my human memories _enough_ , I would not lose them over time. I did not want to forget one minute I’d spent with Edward, even now, when eternity stretched in front of us. I would have to make sure those human memories— _all_ my human memories—were cemented into my infallible vampire mind.

“Shall we?” Edward asked. He reached up to take the hand that was still at my neck. His fingers smoothed down the column of my throat. “I don’t want you to be hurting,” he added in a low murmur. Something I would not have been able to hear before.

“I’m fine,” I said, and it was mostly true. There were other matters of more importance at the moment. “Wait, what about Jacob? And Charlie? Tell me everything that I missed. How long was I... unconscious?”

Edward didn’t seem to notice my hesitation over the last word. Instead, he was exchanging a wary glance with Carlisle.

“What’s wrong?” I whispered.

“Nothing is _wrong_ ,” Carlisle told me, emphasizing the last word in a strange way. “Nothing has changed much, actually—you were only unaware for just over two days. It was very fast, as these things go. Edward did an excellent job. Quite innovative—the venom injection straight to your heart was his idea.” He paused to smile proudly at his son and then sighed. “Jacob is still here, and Charlie still believes that you are sick. He thinks you’re in Atlanta right now, undergoing tests at the CDC. We gave him a bad number, and he’s frustrated. He’s been speaking to Esme.”

“I should call him...,” I murmured to myself, but, listening to my own voice, I understood the new difficulties. He wouldn’t recognize this voice. It wouldn’t reassure him. And then the earlier surprise intruded. “Hold on—Jacob is _still here_?”

Another glance between them.

“Beau,” Edward said quickly. “There’s much to discuss, but we should take care of you first. You have to be in pain...”

I hadn’t been overly aware of it, if I was being honest. It was like a mild annoyance in the back of my mind. “But Jacob—”

“We have all the time in the world for explanations, love,” he reminded me gently.

Of course. I could wait a little longer for the answer; Edward was right. We had all the time in the world now. “Okay.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Alice trilled from the doorway. She danced across the room, dreamily graceful. As with Edward and Carlisle, I felt some shock as I really looked at her face for the first time. So lovely. “You promised I could be there the first time! What if you two run past something reflective?”

“Alice—,” Edward protested, something like a hint of panic in his voice. I wouldn’t have been able to detect that as easily before. My new ears made even the slightest inflection obvious.

“It will only take a second!” She said turning, “And it will be fine.” And with that, Alice darted from the room.

Edward sighed.

“What is she talking about?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

“You know how she is, Beau,” Royal said, some humor in his golden voice.

My eyes moved to Royal, standing just behind Emmett with Esme. Royal’s hair was like spun gold, framing his brilliantly handsome face. He was even more stunningly beautiful than I remembered.

Then Alice was back in the room, carrying the huge, gilt-framed mirror from Royal’s room, which was nearly twice as tall as she was, and several times as wide. Royal eyed her with some mild annoyance.

“Careful with that, it’s an antique.” He grumbled in a voice so low, so quick and quiet that my human ears would never have even noticed him speak.

Alice stuck out her dainty tongue as she danced past him with the mirror.

Jasper had been so still and silent that I’d taken no notice of him since he’d followed behind Carlisle. Now he moved again, to hover over Alice as she approached me, his eyes locked on my expression. Because I was the danger here.

I knew he would be tasting the mood around me, too, and so he must have felt my jolt of shock as I studied his face, looking at it closely for the first time.

Through my sightless human eyes, the scars left from his former life with the newborn armies in the South had been mostly invisible. Only with a bright light to throw their slightly raised shapes into definition could I even make out their existence.

Now that I could see, the scars were Jasper’s most dominant feature. It was hard to take my eyes off his ravaged neck and jaw—hard to believe that even a vampire could have survived so many sets of teeth ripping into his throat.

Instinctively, I tensed to defend myself. Any vampire who saw Jasper would have had the same reaction. The scars were like a lighted billboard. _Dangerous,_ they screamed. How many vampires had tried to kill Jasper? Hundreds? Thousands? The same number that had died in the attempt.

Jasper both saw and felt my assessment, my caution, and he smiled wryly.

“Edward gave me grief for not getting you to a mirror before the wedding,” Alice said, pulling my attention away from her frightening lover. “I’m not going to be chewed out again.”

“Chewed out?” Edward asked skeptically, one eyebrow curving upward.

“Maybe I’m overstating things,” she murmured absently as she turned the mirror to face me.

“And maybe this has solely to do with your own voyeuristic gratification,” he countered. “Are you certain…?” He trailed off.

Alice simply winked at him.

I was only aware of this exchange with the lesser part of my concentration. The greater part was riveted on the person in the mirror.

My first reaction was an unthinking pleasure. The alien creature in the glass was indisputably beautiful, every bit as beautiful as Edward or even Royal. He was fluid even in stillness, and his flawless face was pale as ivory against the frame of his dark, thick hair. His limbs were smooth and strong, skin glowing subtly, luminous as a pearl.

My second reaction was horror.

Who _was_ he? At first glance, I couldn’t find my face anywhere in the smooth, perfect planes of his features.

But then, I saw his eyes. And then I felt a strange drop in the pit of my stomach. The eyes on this beautiful creature, this stranger, were mine. The same wide, gray eyes I had always known. My mother’s eyes.

I didn’t understand. Why were my eyes the same? Shouldn’t they be red now? How could they still be the same gray color they had always been? Well, not exactly the same. There was something luminous about them now—like a brilliantly polished silver.

All the while I studied and reacted, the stranger’s face was perfectly composed, a carving of a god, showing nothing of the turmoil roiling inside me. And then his full lips moved.

“The eyes?” I whispered. “How?

“We…” Edward began, his voice soft and comforting but with traces of anxiousness. “We’re not sure, Beau.”

That was when I became aware of all the other little things that were wrong.

Well, nothing was _wrong_. Everything was perfect. There were no traces of the deadly disease that had all but destroyed me in the past months. But as I studied myself in the mirror, as I carefully assessed everything I felt in my new body, I became instantly aware of what was different than I had expected. My eyes had not changed, they were still gray. And my skin, though decidedly paler than it had been before, had the faintest blush of color below the skin. But that was impossible! I shouldn’t…

And then my breath caught in my throat.

It caught, and I realized why breathing had felt strange to me earlier. Because I did still need it. Perhaps not as much as I had before, but I my lungs still craved some relief of oxygen. They continued to work, much as they always had in my chest. And suddenly as I isolated all the feelings in my body and examined them, I was able to place that strange, gentle rhythm that had been going continuously behind my ears.

It was my heart.

My hand flew to my chest, and I could sense everyone in the room shift uneasily as my own body became still as a statue. My heart was still keeping a steady beat in my chest. I realized I hadn’t noticed it restart when I had first opened my eyes because it was keeping a new pace now; softer, gentler, and slightly slower than it had been in my human life.

“Edward?” My voice was higher now, stressed. In the mirror, the perfect eyebrows lifted incredulously above the luminous silver eyes.

Jasper took a step forward, alarmed by the intensity of my sudden anxiety. He knew young vampires only too well; did this emotion presage some misstep on my part? Except, I wasn’t a vampire… was I?

Edward didn’t answer. I looked away, to him and Alice. Both their eyes were slightly unfocused—reacting to Jasper’s unease. Listening to its cause, looking ahead to the immediate future.

I took a deep breath.

“No, I’m fine,” I promised them. My eyes flickered to the stranger in the mirror and back. “It’s just... Why are… My eyes? My skin?” My voice dropped, “My _heart_?”

“It’s all right, Beau,” Edward soothed. “Don’t panic.”

Jasper’s brow furrowed, highlighting the two scars over his left eye.

“I don’t know,” Edward murmured.

The man in the mirror frowned. “What question did I miss?”

Edward grinned a little. “Jasper wonders how you’re doing it.”

“Doing what?”

“Controlling your emotions, Beau,” Jasper answered. “I’ve never seen a newborn do that—stop an emotion in its tracks that way. You were upset, but when you saw our concern, you reined it in, regained power over yourself. I was prepared to help, but you didn’t need it.”

“But I’m not… I’m not really a newborn, am I?”

“No,” he said, but his voice was unsure. “And yes.”

Edward stroked his hand down my arm, as if encouraging me to thaw. “We don’t understand it. We don’t know how… but Alice saw it, almost immediately, that you would be… different.”

I considered that for a portion of a second. “You don’t seem overly concerned.”

“No, because she saw you would be fine. You would be perfect… just…” He smiled his crooked smile. “Different.”

I was different. I wasn’t quite a vampire when I really thought about it. Edward’s touch no longer felt icy, but it was still just barely cooler than my own skin, which meant I wasn’t quite as cold as he was. The eyes, the skin, the heart…  but other than those things, I was very much like a vampire. It was all so confusing.

“But what do you think?” Alice asked, a little impatient now, pointing to the mirror.

“I’m not sure,” I hedged, not wanting to admit how frightened I really was.

I stared at the beautiful man with the silver eyes, looking for pieces of me. Looking for answers. The angularity and sharpness of the stranger’s features were unknown and distinctly vampire—and foreign—to my perception.

I raised my hand experimentally, and the man in the mirror copied the movement, touching his face, too. His luminous silver eyes watched me warily.

Edward sighed.

I turned away from the mirror to look at him, raising one eyebrow.

“Disappointed?” I asked, my ringing voice impassive.

He laughed. “Yes,” he admitted.

I felt the shock break through the composed mask on my face, followed instantly by the hurt.

Alice snarled. Jasper leaned forward again, waiting for me to snap.

But Edward ignored them and wrapped his arms tightly around my newly frozen form, pressing his lips against my cheek. “I was rather hoping that I’d be able to hear your mind, now that it is more similar to my own,” he murmured. “And here I am, as frustrated as ever, wondering what could possibly be going on inside your head.”

I felt better at once.

“Oh well,” I said lightly, relieved that my thoughts were still my own. “I guess my brain will never work right. At least I’m good looking.”

It was becoming easier to joke with him as I adjusted, to think in straight lines. To be myself and ignore the pressing concerns that would have sent me into a panic in my former life.

Edward growled in my ear. “Beau, you have _never_ been merely good looking.”

Then his face pulled away from mine, and he sighed. “All right, all right,” he said to someone.

“What?” I asked.

“You’re making Jasper more edgy by the second. He may relax a little when you’ve hunted.”

“I just think it would be good to see how he handles that,” Jasper explained quickly. “Maybe we’ll understand what he’s become better if we… see him in action.” He managed to relax his worried expression into a slight smirk.

I read the worry still evident behind Jasper’s eyes and nodded. Answers would be good right now. And the best way to find them would be to start taking stock of what, if any, more abilities I had that actually _did_ resemble a vampire.

“Okay. Let’s hunt,” I agreed, a thrill of nerves and anticipation making my stomach quiver. I unwrapped Edward’s arms from around me, keeping one of his hands, and turned my back on the strange, beautiful, and unknown man in the mirror.


	21. First Hunt

“The window?” I asked, staring two stories down.

I’d never really been afraid of heights, per se, but being able to see all the details with such clarity made the prospect less appealing. The angles of the rocks below were sharper than I would have imagined them.

Edward smile. “It’s the most convenient exit. If you’re frightened, I can carry you.”

“We have all eternity, and you’re worried about the time it would take to walk to the back door?”

He frowned slightly. “Jacob, Seth, and…” He paused for the briefest fraction of a second, “They’re downstairs…”

“Oh.”

Right. I was the monster now—if not the monster, I was certainly the unknown. I had to be even more cautious until we could figure out exactly what I was. Even though I wasn’t a true vampire newborn, at least not from my perspective, there was still the very real possibility that I could do harm to those around me. Even those I loved.

“Is Jacob… Seth… Are they okay?” I whispered. I realized belatedly that it must have been Jacob and Seth’s hearts I could hear below. I listened hard again, but I realized I heard not just two steady pulses, but three. “What about Liam?”

Edward’s lips tightened in an odd way. “Trust me, they’re all perfectly fine.”

“Oh, okay,” I murmured, and looked at the ground again.

“Stalling?” he challenged.

“A little. I don’t know how…”

And I was very conscious of my family behind me, watching silently. Mostly silently. Emmett had already chuckled under his breath once. One mistake, and he’d be rolling on the floor. Then the jokes about the world’s only clumsy vampire would start....

Also, this outfit—that Alice must have put me in sometime when I was too lost in the burning to notice—was not what I would have picked out for either jumping or hunting. Tightly fitted blue satin shirt? Tailored dress pants? What did she think I would need it for? Was there a cocktail party later?

“Watch me,” Edward said. And then, very casually, he stepped out of the tall, open window and fell.

I watched carefully, analyzing the angle at which he bent his knees to absorb the impact. The sound of his landing was very low—a muted thud that could have been a door softly closed, or a book gently laid on a table.

It didn’t _look_ hard.

Edward watched me from the ground, my keener vision could discern the slight anxiousness behind his eyes. I was beginning to understand that not only were they keeping me away from Jacob and his pack, they were trying to test how vampire I was. I was sure Alice would have seen what—if any—limitations I had now, but Edward still seemed concerned. Like jumping from the window could still harm me. Maybe it could.

Clenching my teeth as I concentrated, I tried to copy his casual step into empty air.

Ha! The ground seemed to move toward me so slowly that it was nothing at all to place my feet—what shoes had Alice put me in? Leather Oxfords? Ridiculously dressy—to place my overly fancy shoes exactly right so that landing was no different than stepping one foot forward on a flat surface.

I absorbed the impact in the balls of my feet. My landing seemed just as quiet as his.

I grinned at him.

“Right. Easy.”

He smiled back. “Beau?”

“Yes?”

“That was quite graceful—even for a vampire.”

I considered that for a moment, and then I beamed. If he’d just been saying that, then Emmett would have laughed. No one found his remark humorous, so it must have been true. It was the first time anyone had ever applied the word _graceful_ to me in my entire life... or, well, existence anyway.

“ _Thank_ you,” I told him.

And then I kicked the stiff leather shoes off my feet one by one and lobbed them together back through the open window. A little too hard, maybe, but I heard someone catch them before they could damage the paneling.

Alice grumbled, “His fashion sense hasn’t improved as much as his balance.”

Edward took my hand—I couldn’t stop marveling at the smoothness, the nearly matched temperature of his skin—and darted through the backyard to the edge of the river. I went along with him effortlessly.

Everything physical seemed very simple.

“Are we swimming?” I asked him when we stopped beside the water.

“And ruin your nice clothes? No. We’re jumping.”

I pursed my lips, considering. The river was about fifty yards wide here. “You first,” I said.

He touched my cheek, took two quick backward strides, and then ran back those two steps, launching himself from a flat stone firmly embedded in the riverbank. I studied the flash of movement as he arced over the water, finally turning a somersault just before he disappeared into the thick trees on the other side of the river.

“Show-off,” I muttered, and heard his invisible laugh.

I backed up five paces, just in case, and took a deep breath.

Suddenly, I was anxious again. Not about falling or getting hurt—I was more worried about the forest getting hurt.

It had come on slowly, but I could feel it now—the raw, massive strength thrilling in my limbs. I was suddenly sure that if I wanted to tunnel _under_ the river, to claw or beat my way straight through the bedrock, it wouldn’t take me very long. The objects around me —the trees, the shrubs, the rocks... the house—had all begun to look very fragile.

Hoping very much that Esme was not particularly fond of any specific trees across the river, I flexed my shoulders back, preparing to move. The first three buttons of the tight satin shirt popped off. I sighed. I tensed into a preparative crouch, and the side seam of the slim fitting pants ripped up the side. God, Alice!

Well, Alice seemed to treat clothes as if they were disposable and meant for one-time usage, so she shouldn’t mind this. I bent to carefully grasp the hem at the undamaged right seam between my fingers and, exerting the tiniest amount of pressure possible, I ripped the pants open to just above my knee. Then I fixed the other side to match, and tore off the excess fabric. I admired my new dress shorts with a smug sense of amusement.

Much better.

I could hear the muffled laughter in the house, and even the sound of someone gritting her teeth. The laughter came from upstairs and down, and I very easily recognized the much different, rough, throaty chuckle from the first floor.

So Jacob was watching, too? I couldn’t imagine what he was thinking now, or what he was still doing here. I’d envisioned our reunion—if he could ever forgive me—taking place far in the future, when I was more stable, and time had healed the wounds I’d inflicted in his heart.

I didn’t turn to look at him now, wary of my mood swings. It wouldn’t be good to let any emotion take too strong a hold on my frame of mind. Jasper’s fears had me on edge, too. I had to hunt before I dealt with anything else. I tried to forget everything else so I could _concentrate_.

“Beau?” Edward called from the woods, his voice moving closer. “Do you want to watch again?”

But I remembered everything perfectly, of course, and I didn’t want to give Emmett a reason to find _more_ humor in my education and testing. This was physical—it should be instinctive. So I took a deep breath and ran for the river.

Unhindered by my fitted pants, it took only one long bound to reach the water’s edge. Just an eighty-fourth of a second, and yet it was plenty of time—my eyes and my mind moved so quickly that one step was enough. It was simple to position my right foot just so against the flat stone and exert the adequate pressure to send my body wheeling up into the air. I was paying more attention to aim than force, and I erred on the amount of power necessary—but at least I didn’t err on the side that would have gotten me wet. The fifty-yard width was slightly _too_ easy a distance…

It was a strange, giddy, electrifying thing, but a short thing. An entire second had yet to pass, and I was across.

I was expecting the close-packed trees to be a problem, but they were surprisingly helpful. It was a simple matter to reach out with one sure hand as I fell back toward the earth again deep inside the forest and catch myself on a convenient branch; I swung lightly from the limb and landed on my toes, still fifteen feet from the ground on the wide bough of a Sitka spruce.

It was fabulous.

Over the sound of my peals of delighted laughter, I could hear Edward racing to find me. My jump had been twice as long as his. When he reached my tree, his eyes were wide. I leaped nimbly from the branch to his side, soundlessly landing again on the balls of my feet.

“Was that good?” I wondered, my breathing accelerated with excitement.

“Very good.” He smiled approvingly, but his casual tone didn’t match the surprised expression in his eyes.

“Can we do it again?”

“Focus, Beau—we’re on a hunting trip.”

“Oh, right.” I nodded. “Hunting.”

“Follow me... if you can.” He grinned, his expression suddenly taunting, and broke into a run.

He was faster than me. I couldn’t imagine how he moved his legs with such blinding speed, but it was beyond me. However, I _was_ stronger, and every stride of mine matched the length of three of his. And so I flew with him through the living green web, by his side, not following at all. As I ran, I couldn’t help laughing quietly at the thrill of it; the laughter neither slowed me nor upset my focus.

I could finally understand why Edward never hit the trees when he ran—a question that had always been a mystery to me. It was a peculiar sensation, the balance between the speed and the clarity. For, while I rocketed over, under, and through the thick jade maze at a rate that should have reduced everything around me to a streaky green blur, I could plainly see each tiny leaf on all the small branches of every insignificant shrub that I passed.

The wind of my speed blew my hair out behind me, and, though I knew it shouldn’t, it felt almost warm against my skin. Just as the rough forest floor shouldn’t feel like velvet beneath my bare soles, and the limbs that whipped against my skin shouldn’t feel like caressing feathers.

The forest was much more alive than I’d ever known—small creatures whose existence I’d never guessed at teemed in the leaves around me. They all grew silent after we passed, their breath quickening in fear. The animals had a much wiser reaction to our scent than humans seemed to. Certainly, it’d had the opposite effect on me.

I kept waiting to feel winded, but my breath came effortlessly. I waited for the burn to begin in my muscles, but my strength only seemed to increase as I grew accustomed to my stride. My leaping bounds stretched longer, and soon he was trying to keep up with me. I laughed again, exultant, when I heard him falling behind. My naked feet touched the ground so infrequently now it felt more like flying than running.

“Beau,” he called dryly, his voice even, lazy.

I could hear nothing else; he had stopped. I briefly considered mutiny.

But, with a sigh, I whirled and skipped lightly to his side, some hundred yards back. I looked at him expectantly. He was smiling, with one eyebrow raised. He was so beautiful that I could only stare.

“Did you want to stay in the country?” he asked, amused. “Or were you planning to continue on to Canada this afternoon?”

“This is fine,” I agreed, concentrating less on what he was saying and more on the mesmerizing way his lips moved when he spoke. It was hard not to become sidetracked with everything fresh in my strong new eyes. “What are we hunting?”

“Elk. I thought something easy for your first time...” He trailed off when my eyes narrowed at the word _easy_.

But I wasn’t going to argue; I was supposed to be hunting. And I didn’t know what I was doing, but he did. So I should follow his lead.

“Okay, where?” I asked, scanning the trees. The thirst was uncomfortable, but not as unmanageable as I had imagined it would be.

“Hold still for a minute,” he said, putting his hands lightly on my shoulders. The ability to stay still seemed more difficult when he was touching me.

“Now close your eyes,” he murmured. When I obeyed, he raised his hands to my face, stroking my cheekbones. I felt my breathing speed and waited briefly again for the blush that wouldn’t come.

“Listen,” Edward instructed. “What do you hear?”

 _Everything,_ I could have said; his perfect voice, his breath, his lips brushing together as he spoke, the whisper of birds preening their feathers in the treetops, their fluttering heartbeats, the maple leaves scraping together, the faint clicking of ants following each other in a long line up the bark of the nearest tree. But I knew he meant something specific, so I let my ears range outward, seeking something different than the small hum of life that surrounded me. There was an open space near us—the wind had a different sound across the exposed grass—and a small creek, with a rocky bed. And there, near the noise of the water, was the splash of lapping tongues, the loud thudding of heavy hearts, pumping thick streams of blood...

I felt a vague tenseness in my throat.

“By the creek, to the northeast?” I asked, my eyes still shut.

“Yes.” His tone was approving. “Now... wait for the breeze again and... what do you smell?”

Mostly him—his strange honey-lilac-and-sun perfume. But also the rich, earthy smell of rot and moss, the resin in the evergreens, the warm, almost nutty aroma of the small rodents cowering beneath the tree roots. And then, reaching out again, the clean smell of the water, which was surprisingly unappealing despite my thirst. I focused toward the water and found the scent that must have gone with the lapping noise and the pounding heart. Another warm smell, rich and tangy, stronger than the others. And yet nearly as unappealing as the brook. I wrinkled my nose.

He chuckled. “I know—it takes some getting used to.”

“Three?” I guessed.

“Five. There are two more in the trees behind them.”

“What do I do now?”

His voice sounded like he was smiling. “What do you feel like doing?”

I thought about that, my eyes still shut as I listened and breathed in the scent. Another bout of that annoying thirst intruded on my awareness, and as my annoyance with it grew, the warm, tangy odor wasn’t quite so objectionable. At least it would be something hot and wet in my dry mouth. My eyes snapped open.

“Don’t think about it,” he suggested as he lifted his hands off my face and took a step back. “Just follow your instincts.”

I let myself drift with the scent, barely aware of my movement as I ghosted down the incline to the narrow meadow where the stream flowed. My body shifted forward automatically into a low crouch as I hesitated at the fern-fringed edge of the trees. I could see a big buck, two dozen antler points crowning his head, at the stream’s edge, and the shadow-spotted shapes of the four others heading eastward into forest at a leisurely pace.

I centered myself around the scent of the male, the hot spot in his shaggy neck where the warmth pulsed strongest. Only thirty yards—two or three bounds—between us. I tensed myself for the first leap.

But as my muscles bunched in preparation, the wind shifted, blowing stronger now, and from the south. I didn’t stop to think, hurtling out of the trees in a path perpendicular to my original plan, scaring the elk into the forest, racing after a new fragrance so startlingly attractive that I felt instantly drawn to it.

The scent ruled completely. I was single-minded as I traced it, aware only of the thirst and the smell that promised to quench it. The thirst grew more intense, like I was a man lost in the desert, desperate for just a sip of water.

There was only one thing that had any chance of penetrating my focus now, an instinct more powerful, more basic than the need to quench the thirst—it was the instinct to protect myself from danger. Self-preservation.

I was suddenly alert to the fact that I was being followed. The pull of the nearly irresistible scent warred with the impulse to turn and defend my hunt. A bubble of sound built in my chest, my lips pulled back of their own accord to expose my teeth in warning. My feet slowed, the need to protect my back struggling against the desire to quench my thirst.

And then I could hear my pursuer gaining, and defense won. As I spun, the rising sound ripped its way up my throat and out.

The feral snarl, coming from my own mouth, was so unexpected that it brought me up short. It unsettled me, and it cleared my head for a second—the thirst-driven haze receded, though the parched feeling in my throat continued.

The wind shifted, blowing the smell of wet earth and coming rain across my face, further freeing me from the other scent’s grip—a scent so tempting it could only be human.

Edward hesitated a few feet away, his arms raised as if to embrace me—or restrain me. His face was intent and cautious as I froze, horrified.

I realized that I had been about to attack him. With a hard jerk, I straightened out of my defensive crouch. I held my breath as I refocused, fearing the power of the fragrance swirling up from the south.

He could see reason return to my face, and he took a step toward me, lowering his arms.

“I have to get away from here,” I spit through my teeth, using the breath I had.

Shock crossed his face. “ _Can_ you leave?”

I didn’t have time to ask him what he meant by that. I knew the ability to think clearly would last only as long as I could stop myself from thinking of—

I burst into a run again, a flat-out sprint straight north, concentrating solely on the uncomfortable feeling of sensory deprivation that seemed to be my body’s only immediate response to the lack of air. My one goal was to run far enough away that the scent behind me would be completely lost. Impossible to find, even if I changed my mind...

Once again, I was aware of being followed, but I was sane this time. I fought the instinct to breathe—to use the flavors in the air to be sure it was Edward. I didn’t have to fight long; though I was running faster than I ever had before, shooting like a comet through the straightest path I could find in the trees; Edward caught up with me after a short minute.

A new thought occurred to me, and I stopped dead, my feet planted. I was sure it must be safe here, but I held my breath just in case.

Edward blew past me, surprised by my sudden freeze. He wheeled around and was at my side in a second. He put his hands on my shoulders and stared into my eyes, shock still the dominant emotion on his face.

“How did you do that?” he demanded.

“Just a minute,” I said quickly. I placed two fingers at the pulse point on my neck. My heart was still beating, but it had slowed even further than before. Instead of panicking from a lack of fresh oxygen, my heart had simply slowed to preserve what oxygen had been in my lungs. They, too, showed no signs of distress. That aching burn from a lack of oxygen was non-existent. My new body was unbothered by me not breathing, carefully adjusting to accommodate the change.

When I opened my mouth, I could taste the air—it was unpolluted now, with no trace of the compelling perfume to torment my thirst. I took a cautious breath.

Edward was still staring at me, his eyes still wide with shock. “Beau, how did you do it?”

“Do what? Run away? I held my breath.”

“But how did you stop hunting?”

“When you came up behind me... I’m so sorry about that.”

“Why are you apologizing to _me_? I’m the one who was horribly careless. I assumed no one would be so far from the trails, but I should have checked first. Such a stupid mistake! _You_ have nothing to apologize for.”

“But I growled at you!” I was still horrified that I was physically capable of such a vicious sound.

“Of course you did. That’s only natural. But I can’t understand how you ran away.”

“What else could I do?” I asked. His attitude confused me—what did he _want_ to have happened? “It might have been someone I know!”

He startled me, suddenly bursting into a spasm of loud laughter, throwing his head back and letting the sound echo off the trees.

_“Why are you laughing at me?”_

He stopped at once, and I could see he was wary again.

 _Keep it under control_ , I thought to myself. I had to watch my temper. Just like I was a young werewolf rather than a vampire. Something in the back of my new, clearer mind marked that thought like it was important.

“I’m not laughing at you, Beau. I’m laughing because I am in shock. And I am in shock because I am completely amazed.”

“Why?”

“You shouldn’t be able to do any of this. You shouldn’t be so... so rational. You shouldn’t be able to stand here discussing this with me calmly and coolly. And, much more than any of that, you should _not_ have been able to break off mid-hunt with the scent of human blood in the air. Even mature vampires have difficulty with that—we’re always very careful of where we hunt so as not to put ourselves in the path of temptation. Beau, you’re behaving like you’re decades rather than days old.”

“Oh.” But I’d known it was going to be hard. That was why I’d been so on guard. I’d been expecting it to be difficult. Even then, it wasn’t the _most_ difficult thing I had done. I imagined I could mark this as one of the ways I was _not_ like a vampire. Whatever I was, perhaps exceptional self-control was a part of the package.

He put his hands on my face again, and his eyes were full of wonder. “What wouldn’t I give to be able to see into your mind for just this one moment.”

Such powerful emotions. I’d been prepared for an all-consuming thirst, for physical strength, but not this. I’d been so sure it wouldn’t be the same when he touched me. Well, truthfully, it wasn’t the same.

It was stronger.

I reached up to trace the planes of his face; my fingers lingered on his lips.

“I thought I wouldn’t feel this way for a long time?” My uncertainty made the words a question. “But I still _want_ you.”

He blinked in shock. “How can you even concentrate on that? Aren’t you unbearably thirsty?”

I considered that for a moment. Then I shrugged, “I mean, sure.”

He stared at me with a bewildered expression. Then he shook his head. “Let’s try again, Beau. Concentrate.”

I blinked in confusion and then sighed, closing my eyes like I had before to help me concentrate. I let my senses range out around me, tensed this time in case of another onslaught of the delicious taboo scent.

Edward dropped his hands, not even breathing while I listened farther and farther out into the web of green life, sifting through the scents and sounds for something not totally repellant to my thirst. There was a hint of something different, a faint trail to the east…

My eyes flashed open, but my focus was still on sharper senses as I turned and darted silently eastward. The ground sloped steeply upward almost at once, and I ran in a hunting crouch, close to the ground, taking to the trees when that was easier. I sensed rather than heard Edward with me, flowing quietly through the woods, letting me lead.

The vegetation thinned as we climbed higher; the scent of pitch and resin grew more powerful, as did the trail I followed—it was a warm scent, sharper than the smell of the elk and more appealing. A few seconds more and I could hear the muted padding of immense feet, so much subtler than the crunch of hooves. The sound was up—in the branches rather than on the ground. Automatically I darted into the boughs as well, gaining the strategic higher position, halfway up a towering silver fir.

The soft thud of paws continued stealthily beneath me now; the rich scent was very close. My eyes pinpointed the movement linked with the sound, and I saw the tawny hide of the great cat slinking along the wide branch of a spruce just down and to the left of my perch. He was big—easily four times my mass. His eyes were intent on the ground beneath; the cat hunted, too. I caught the smell of something smaller, bland next to the aroma of my prey, cowering in brush below the tree. The lion’s tail twitched spasmodically as he prepared to spring.

With a light bound, I sailed through the air and landed on the lion’s branch. He felt the shiver of the wood and whirled, shrieking surprise and defiance. He clawed the space between us, his eyes bright with fury. Intent on my own prey, I ignored the exposed fangs and the hooked claws and launched myself at him, knocking us both to the forest floor.

It wasn’t much of a fight.

His raking claws could have been caressing fingers for all the impact they had on my skin. His teeth could find no purchase against my shoulder or my throat. His weight was nothing. My teeth unerringly sought his throat, and his instinctive resistance was pitifully feeble against my strength. My jaws locked easily over the precise point where the heat flow concentrated.

It was effortless as biting into butter. My teeth were steel razors; they cut through the fur and fat and sinews like they weren’t there.

The flavor was wrong, but the blood was hot and wet and it soothed the dry, itching thirst as I drank in an eager rush. The cat’s struggles grew more and more feeble, and his screams choked off with a gurgle. The warmth of the blood radiated throughout my whole body, heating even my fingertips and toes.

The lion was finished before I was. The thirst ebbed nearly to the point of non-existence as he ran dry, and I shoved his carcass off my body in disgust. How could I still be even slightly thirsty after all that?

I wrenched myself erect in one quick move. Standing, I realized I was a bit of a mess. I wiped my face off on the back of my arm and tried to fix destroyed shirt hanging off my shoulders. The claws that had been so ineffectual against my skin had had more success with the thin satin.

“Hmm,” Edward said. I looked up to see him leaning casually against a tree trunk, watching me with a thoughtful look on his face.

“I guess I could have done that better.” I was covered in dirt, my hair knotted, my clothes bloodstained and hanging in tatters. Edward didn’t come home from hunting trips looking like this.

“You did perfectly fine,” he assured me. “It’s just that... it was much more difficult for me to watch than it should have been.”

I raised my eyebrows, confused.

“It goes against the grain,” he explained, “letting you wrestle with lions. I was having an anxiety attack the whole time.”

“I suppose that’s fair.” I mused, “For all we know I could still have been just as fragile.”

“I should have more faith.” He smiled. “You always surprise me, Beau.” His eyes appraised me for a moment before he continued. “I must say I rather like the improvements to your attire.”

I wondered if my strange, new skin blushed like it used to. Judging by the twitch at the corners of his mouth, some sort of change must have registered in my face. I changed the subject. “Why am I still thirsty?”

“Because you’re young.”

I sighed. “And I don’t suppose there are any other mountain lions nearby.”

“Plenty of deer, though.”

I made a face. “They don’t smell as good.”

“Herbivores. The meat-eaters smell more like humans,” he explained.

“Not that much like humans,” I disagreed, trying not to remember.

“We could go back,” he said solemnly, but there was a teasing light in his eye. “Whoever it was out there, if their tastes aligned with mine, they probably wouldn’t even mind death if you were the one delivering it.” His gaze ran over my ravaged clothes again. “In fact, they would think they were already dead and gone to heaven the moment they saw you.”

I rolled my eyes and snorted. “Let’s go hunt some stinking herbivores.”

We found a large herd of mule deer as we ran back toward home. He hunted with me this time, now that I’d gotten the hang of it. I brought down a large buck, making nearly as much of a mess as I had with the lion. He’d finished with two before I was done with the first, not a hair ruffled, not a spot on his white shirt. We chased the scattered and terrified herd, but instead of feeding again, this time I watched carefully to see how he was able to hunt so neatly.

All the times that I had wished that Edward would not have to leave me behind when he hunted, I had secretly been just a little relieved. Because I was sure that seeing this would be frightening. Horrifying. That seeing him hunt would finally make him look like a vampire to me.

Of course, it was much different from this perspective, as something like a vampire myself. But I doubted that even my human eyes would have missed the beauty here.

It was a surprisingly sensual experience to observe Edward hunting. His smooth spring was like the sinuous strike of a snake; his hands were so sure, so strong, so completely inescapable; his full lips were perfect as they parted gracefully over his gleaming teeth. He was glorious. I felt a sudden jolt of both pride and desire. He was _mine_. Nothing could ever separate him from me now. I was too strong to be torn from his side.

He was very quick. He turned to me and gazed curiously at my gloating expression.

“No longer thirsty?” he asked.

I shrugged. “You distracted me. You’re much better at it than I am.”

“Centuries of practice.” He smiled. His eyes were a disconcertingly lovely shade of honey gold now.

“Just one,” I corrected him.

He laughed. “Are you done for today? Or did you want to continue?”

“Done, I think.” I wasn’t thirsty anymore. I felt fairly satisfied, and in more ways than one.

I felt in control. Perhaps my sense of security was false, but I did feel pretty good about not killing anyone today. If I could resist totally human strangers, wouldn’t I be able to handle the werewolf best friend and his brothers back at the house?

“I want to head back, see Jacob and the boys.” I said. Now that my thirst was thoroughly tamed, my earlier worries were hard to forget. I wanted to see if I had any chance to reconcile with Jacob after all this. If he was still there, surely there had to be a chance to mend things—to create some closure for us.

Edward held out his hand to me. I took it, and his skin felt warmer than before. His cheek was faintly flushed, the shadows under his eyes all but vanished.

I was unable to resist stroking his face again. And again.

I sort of forgot that I was waiting for a response to my request as I stared into his shimmering gold eyes.

It was almost harder than it had been to turn away from the scent of human blood, but I somehow kept the need to be careful firmly in my head as I stretched up on my toes and wrapped my arms around him. Gently.

He was not so hesitant in his movements; his arms locked around my waist and pulled me tight against his body. His lips crushed down on mine, but they felt soft. My lips no longer shaped themselves around his; they held their own.

Like before, it was as if the touch of his skin, his lips, his hands, was sinking right through my smooth, hard skin and into my new bones. To the very core of my body. I hadn’t imagined that I could love him more than I had.

My old mind hadn’t been capable of holding this much love. My old heart had not been strong enough to bear it.

Maybe this was the part of me that I’d brought forward to be intensified in my new life. Like Carlisle’s compassion and Esme’s devotion. I would probably never be able to do anything interesting or special like Edward, Alice, and Jasper could do. Maybe I would just love Edward more than anyone in the history of the world had ever loved anyone else.

I could live with that.

I remembered parts of this—twisting my fingers in his hair, tracing the planes of his chest—but other parts were so new. He was new. It was an entirely different experience with Edward kissing me so fearlessly, so forcefully. I responded to his intensity, and then suddenly we were falling.

“Oops,” I said, and he laughed underneath me. “I didn’t mean to tackle you like that. Are you okay?”

He stroked my face. “Slightly better than _okay_.” And then a perplexed expression crossed his face. “Still want to go back?” he asked uncertainly, trying to ascertain what I wanted most in this moment. A very difficult question to answer, because I wanted so many things at the same time.

I could tell that he wasn’t exactly averse to procrastinating our return trip, and it was hard to think about much besides his skin on mine—there really wasn’t that much left of my clothes. But I couldn’t stay here forever. Life was waiting for me. My family was waiting. My best friend was waiting. I needed to see them, to fill my new mind with memories of them that would last forever.

“Let’s go,” I agreed, rueful, and I whipped back up onto my feet, pulling him with me.


	22. Reconciled

As we ran, I started considering all the things that I—and even Edward—had been ignoring. The deeper implications of my transformation. The differences.

“Why aren’t you more worried about what I am?” I insisted as he took my hand. Being linked barely slowed us.

“Because you’re still here with me, Beau,” he said solemnly, “I would accept any change you underwent so long as you were still with me.”

“But we don’t know what I am,” I continued. “We don’t know if I’ll age, we don’t know how this will affect things.” I was voicing my own fears now.

“Alice can see you again. She sees you staying exactly as you are. Forever.” He breathed the last word, adoration and relief heavy in his voice.

If Alice had seen it, then that was the path I was on. It was some relief. It still didn’t answer the question of what I was. It didn’t explain what had happened.

“I suppose it’s not the worst thing in the world,” I mused.

“You’re my Beau, through and through.” He grinned, “Everything about you is exactly perfect. You still have those beautiful eyes, and you still smell like you always did.”

I turned my head, raising my eyebrows at him. He laughed, “Well, almost. You don’t smell like the most tantalizing temptation anymore.” He raised my hand to his face, gently running his nose along my wrist. “Now I can appreciate how delicious your scent is… in other ways.”

I felt that desperate urge once again. The need to be near Edward. It was all I could to keep myself from tackling him. I had to distract myself to stay focused.

“And Jacob? Why is Jacob still here?” I asked. “How can he stand it? Why should he?” My ringing voice trembled a little. “Why should he have to suffer more?”

“Jacob isn’t suffering,” he said in a strange tone. “Though he could certainly improve his situation if he wasn’t such an idiot,” Edward added, rolling his eyes.

“Edward!” I scolded, yanking him to a stop and feeling a thrill of smugness that I was able to do it. “Don’t call Jake an idiot. He has given up _everything_ to protect us! What I’ve put him through—” I cringed at the dim memory of shame and guilt.

“I believe you’ll begin to understand fairly quickly,” Edward muttered. “You’ve always been surprisingly perceptive. Perhaps you could impart some of your skills to Jacob. Goodness knows, he could use them.” He watched my face from the corner of his eyes.

“Apparently, I’m not _that_ perceptive,” I grumbled in frustration, “because I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

He stroked my cheek and then smiled gently, “You hide your frustration too well, now. I don’t think I’ll have any hope of ever figuring out what’s going through your beautiful head.”

“I don’t particularly like feeling confused.”

“I know. And so let’s get you home, so that you can figure it out for yourself.” His eyes ran over the remains of my shirt as he spoke of going home, and he frowned. “Hmm.” After half a second of thought, he unbuttoned his white shirt and held it out for me to put my arms through.

“You can be shirtless but I can’t?” I raised an eyebrow.

He grinned. “Truthfully?” He took a deep breath. “It’s more for my sake. I’m having a desperately hard time focusing with you looking so… tempting.” He growled the last word and I felt a wave of electric desire surge through my body as I shrugged off the scraps of my tattered blue shirt.

“ _You’re_ having a hard time focusing,” I muttered as I slipped my arms into his sleeves and then buttoned it swiftly. Of course, now that _he_ was without a shirt, _I_ was the one having a hard time staying focused. “Shouldn’t we be doing everything to help  _me_?”

“Well,” He sighed. “It wasn’t just your shirt that suffered some damage.” As he spoke he tugged the tail of the shirt down over the back of my pants.

I twisted slightly and realized my pants weren’t covering much either. “Oh.”

He laughed and kissed my cheek.

“Okay, okay,” I breathed, “if we don’t start heading back now we’re never going to make it.” I smirked up at him. “I’ll race you.”

He grinned. “On your mark…”

 

Finding my way to my new home was simpler than walking down Charlie’s street to my old one. Our scent left a clear and easy trail to follow, even running as fast as I could.

Edward had me beat till we hit the river. I took a chance and made my leap early, trying to use my extra strength to win.

“Ha!” I exulted when I heard my feet touch the grass first.

Listening for his landing, I heard something I did not expect. Something loud and very close. A thudding heart.

Edward was beside me in the same seconds, his hands clamped down hard on the tops of my arms.

“Don’t breathe,” he cautioned me urgently.

I expected to feel panic, but instead I felt a surge of happiness in the pit of my stomach. I stayed frozen, though, just in case. My eyes were the only things that moved, wheeling instinctively to find the source of the sound.

Jacob stood at the line where the forest touched the Cullens’ lawn, his arms folded across his body, his jaw clenched tight. Invisible in the woods behind him, I heard now two larger hearts, and the faint crush of bracken under huge, pacing paws.

“Carefully, Jacob,” Edward said. A whine from the forest echoed the concern in his voice. “Maybe this isn’t the best way—”

“Come on, sparkles,” Jacob scoffed, “I think I know my best friend well enough at this point to know it’ll be okay.” He grinned at me. “Besides, I heal fast.”

Was this another test? To see how I reacted to Jacob? To see if I could not kill him? I felt sick in the strangest way—it had nothing to do with my stomach, only my mind. Was this Edward’s idea?

I glanced at his face anxiously; Edward seemed to deliberate for a moment, and then his expression moved from concern to amusement. He shrugged, and there was a passive tone in his voice when he said, “It’s your neck, I suppose.”

A furious growl echoed from the forest; Liam, I had no doubt.

I wondered if this surprising recklessness was what Edward meant by Jacob being an idiot. My confusion over Edward’s words and actions warred with the urgent sense of relief I wanted to embrace at Jacob’s words; _I think I know my best friend well enough at this point_ … Was it that simple? Was Jacob still my best friend? Had our friendship survived?

And as my eyes met Jacob’s now, I knew that it had. He still looked like my best friend. But, then again, he wasn’t the one who had changed. What did I looked like to him?

Then he smiled his familiar smile, the smile of a kindred spirit, and I was sure our friendship was intact. It was just like before, when we were hanging out in his homemade garage, just two friends killing time. Easy and _normal_. But it was different this time in one significant way. This time we were just two friends looking at each other. There was no longing, no unspoken desires. Just friends, the way it was supposed to be.

“Jake…” I said tentatively.

His grin widened. “I gotta say, babe. You’re a freak show.”

I grinned back, falling into easily into the old pattern. This was a side of him I understood.

Edward growled. “Watch yourself, mongrel.”

I tried to be gentle as I elbowed Edward in the ribs. “Hey, none of that.” I smiled at Jacob. “You’re right. I’m a walking mystery, aren’t I?”

“For sure. But it’s not nearly as bad as I thought it would be.”

“Gee—thanks for the amazing complement!”

He rolled his eyes. “You know what I mean. You still look like you. I mean, there’s some changes but… You’re still _Beau_. I didn’t think it would feel like you were still here.” He smiled at me again without a trace of bitterness or resentment anywhere in his face. Then he chuckled and said, “Anyway, it’s a relief. And I guess I’ll get used to the changes soon enough.”

“You will?” I asked, confused. It was wonderful that we were still friends, but I hadn’t thought we’d still be spending much time together.

“We’re best friends, Beau.” He smiled, “I’m not going anywhere unless you tell me to.”

“Yes, you’ve made that clear.” Edward said, a hint of annoyance in his amused tone.

“Don’t tell me you two are fighting again.” I sighed.

“Not quite,” Jacob smirked. “Okay, ready to take the next step?” His grin was a challenge now as he started slowly forward.

There was a whine of protest behind him, and then Liam’s gray body slid out of the trees behind him. The shorter, sandy-colored Seth was right behind Liam.

“Cool it, guys,” Jacob said. “It’s fine.”

I was glad they didn’t listen to him but only followed after him a little more slowly.

The wind was still now; it wouldn’t blow his scent away from me.

He got close enough that I could feel the heat of his body in the air between us. I braced myself in response.

“C’mon, babe. Do your worst.”

Liam growled.

I didn’t want to breathe too deeply. It didn’t feel right taking such a risk with Jacob. Not now when we had just established that we were still friends, not when we still had a conversation to have.

“I’m getting older here, Beau,” Jacob teased. “Okay, not technically, but you get the idea. Go on, take a whiff.”

“Hold on to me,” I said to Edward, leaning back into his chest. “Just in case.”

His hands tightened on my arms.

I locked my muscles in place, hoping I could keep them frozen. I resolved that I would do at least as well as I had on the hunt. Worst-case scenario, I would stop breathing and run for it. Nervously, I leaned my head forward and took a breath through my nose, braced for anything.

It wasn’t what I had expected. I could smell the blood in Jacob’s veins. It held the vaguest temptation to me, but I wasn’t thirsty now. More than anything, I could smell the familiar woodsy, masculine scent that I easily recognized as Jacob’s. There was something else I could detect in his scent now, though. I had almost expected to smell what the others had long complained about—but I didn’t smell anything offensive in Jacob’s scent. There was something I couldn’t quite place, however. It was warm, earth-like. It was the same scent I could detect from the two wolves behind him. Some part of my mind warned me against that new scent, like it was dangerous. But largely, it was just Jacob.

I took a deep breath and relaxed. “Huh. I don’t see what everyone’s been going on about. You smell just fine, Jake. Maybe vampire sense of smell isn’t as good as it’s cracked up to be.”

Edward let out a breath of relief; his hands slipped from my shoulders to wrap around me waist and he laughed. Seth barked a low chortle with Edward; he came a little closer while Liam retreated several paces. And then I was aware of another audience when I heard Emmett’s low, distinct guffaw, muffled a little by the glass wall between us.

“I gotta say, Beau,” Jacob laughed, “You smell much better than I was prepared for.” His face didn’t pucker at all while Edward embraced me, not even when Edward leaned in and whispered “I love you” in my ear. Jacob just kept grinning. This made me feel hopeful that things were going to be right between us, the way they hadn’t been for so long now. Maybe now we could truly be just friends.

“Okay, so I’d say I’m doing pretty good here.” I said. “But do we have any ideas _what_ I am?”

“You’re Beau.” Jacob said simply. Then he smirked, and his eyes were playfully teasing. “You’ve always been the odd man out. ‘Cept now, you might actually be able to keep up with the rest of us.”

“Keep up? I’m planning on outrunning all of you.” I rolled my eyes dismissively.

Jacob and Edward both laughed, I couldn’t suppress my grin. We headed back toward the house and our family.

“So who’s idea was it to use Jacob as a human sacrifice?” I asked as we reached the front door.

“That was all me.” Jacob said, sounding proud. “I figured if I’m sticking around, I should make myself useful.”

“You? Useful? That would be a nice change.” I teased and Jacob rolled his eyes.

“Har, har,” He huffed. “Alright, you guys can let everyone fawn over Beau now. I’m gonna head to the kitchen and find something to eat.”

“I can cook you something!” I offered, smiling. I hadn’t had the chance to cook in ages. “If there’s anything in the kitchen that is.”

“I stocked up for the boys.” Alice appeared in the doorway, “I just got back from the store.” She turned to Jacob, “I got a little bit of everything.”

“How do burgers sound?” I offered, grinning at Jacob. He grinned back as we headed toward the kitchen. The others met us just before I made it to the fridge.

“Already business as usual, Beau?” Emmett smirked.

“How did it go?” Carlisle asked, his eyes intent.

“Excellently.” Edward answered smoothly.

“Did he hunt his fill?” Jasper asked, warily.

“ _He_ …” I rolled my eyes. “Is standing right here.”

“You don’t need to be so nervous, Jasper,” Edward waved a hand. “Listen—on the hunt he caught the scent of some hikers who were in the wrong place at the wrong time…”

I heard Carlisle suck in a shocked breath. Esme’s face was suddenly full of concern mingled with compassion. Jasper’s eyes widened, but he nodded just a tiny bit, as if Edward’s words answered some question in his head. Jacob’s mouth screwed up into a disgusted grimace. Emmett shrugged. Royal sighed quietly.

Alice’s expression told me that she was not fooled. Her narrowed eyes, focused with burning intensity on my borrowed shirt, seemed more worried about what I’d done to my outfit than anything else.

“Edward!” Carlisle chastened. “How could you be so irresponsible?”

“I know, Carlisle, I know. I was just plain stupid. I should have taken the time to make sure we were in a safe zone before I set him loose.”

“Edward,” I mumbled, embarrassed by the way they stared at me. It was like they were trying to see the red that should have been in my eyes.

“He’s absolutely right to rebuke me, Beau,” Edward said with a grin. “I made a huge mistake. The fact that you are stronger than anyone I’ve ever known doesn’t change that.”

Alice rolled her eyes. “Tasteful joke, Edward.”

“I wasn’t making a joke. I was explaining to Jasper how he doesn’t need to be so concerned. It’s not my fault everyone jumped to conclusions.”

“Wait,” Jasper gasped. “He didn’t hunt the humans?”

“He started to,” Edward said, clearly enjoying himself. My teeth ground together. “He was entirely focused on the hunt.”

“What happened?” Carlisle interjected. His eyes were suddenly bright, an amazed smile beginning to form on his face. It reminded me of before, when he’d wanted the details on my transformation experience. The thrill of new information.

Edward leaned toward him, animated. “Beau heard me behind him and reacted defensively. As soon as my pursuit broke into his concentration he snapped right out of it. I’ve never seen anything equal to him. He realized at once what was happening, and then… _He held his breath and ran away.”_

 _“_ Whoa,” Emmett murmured. “Seriously?”

“He’s not telling it right,” I muttered, more embarrassed than before. “He left out the part where I growled at him.”

“Did ya get in a couple of good swipes?” Emmett asked eagerly.

“No! Of course not.”

“No, not really? You really didn’t attack him?”

“Emmett!” I protested.

“Aw, what a waste,” Emmett groaned. “And here you’re probably the one person who could take him—since he can’t get in your head to cheat—and you had a perfect excuse, too.” He sighed. “I’ve been _dying_ to see how he’d do without that advantage.”

I glared at him. “I would never.”

Jasper’s frown caught my attention; he seemed even more disturbed than before.

Edward touched his fist lightly to Jasper’s shoulder in a mock punch. “You see what I mean?”

“It’s not natural,” Jasper muttered.

“He could have turned on you—he’s only hours old!” Esme scolded, putting her hand on against her heart. “Oh, we should have gone with you.”

I wasn’t paying so much attention, now that Edward was past the punch line of his joke. I maneuvered my way to the fridge and opened it, searching for ingredients. I was only vaguely aware of the conversations behind me. The topics were all the same; what was I?

I tried to rest in the knowledge that Alice hadn’t seen anything bad in my future. I was here, I was alive. And all things considered, I had appeared to get a pretty good deal out of everything. Maybe we’d figure it all out sooner or later. Maybe we wouldn’t. The unknown didn’t feel as scary now. I felt like I could handle anything.

 

“They’re all going crazy,” Jacob muttered to me a little later on, trying not to sound amused. “I gotta admit, it’s fun seeing them so panicked.”

“I don’t think they’re panicked,” I said as I flipped one of the burger patties. “I think they’re just wary. It’s something they don’t understand. It doesn’t happen a lot.”

“Those smell great.” Jacob said, licking his lips. “You’re really a good cook.”

“Thanks, Jake.” I laughed, “I missed cooking. I wonder if I’ll get to a point where I could go to cooking school after all.”

“What does it smell like to you?” He asked, tilting his head to the side. “I’ve always wondered, you know?”

I took a quick sniff. I could smell the ground beef, the sizzling juices, and every unique spice I had used. It smelled much the same as a cooking burger had smelled before, except now I had a greater and more defined capacity for understanding the subtleties in the different scents.

“Smells like food,” I shrugged. “But you’re right—” I grinned, “It does smell good.”

He laughed. “Hey, can you get me some water?”

“Sure, sure.” I absently reached into a nearby cabinet and grabbed two glasses of water, quickly filling them up in the sink. I handed Jacob one of the glasses and set the other down on the counter, within the same second I had grabbed a plate with a bun and flipped the burger onto it, handing that to him before he had even had time to bring the glass to his lips.

“Uh, thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” I laughed, “Make sure you take those other two burgers out to Seth and Liam.” I leaned against the counter and absently watched my family as they muttered in low, quick voices. Discussing and debating in endless circles over what I was and what they could do to better understand.

Suddenly, all the conversation stopped. Everyone was staring at me open-mouthed. Even Jacob was frozen mid-bite. I blinked a few times, not understanding what I had done this time to upset them. I was just standing here.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, perplexed.

“Beau…” Edward was staring at me wide-eyed. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing?” My eyebrows furrowed. “Just listening to you all, I guess?”

Edward went to say something, then his mouth closed. He looked over at the others, uncertainty in his expression.

“Thirsty, Beau?” Emmett finally asked tentatively.

My brows furrowed further. Thirsty? No I… Then I looked down in my hand at the second glass of water I had poured. The glass of water I had been absently sipping from while I leaned against the counter.

My eyes shot from the glass back to the others. “Drinking water… isn’t a vampire thing is it?”

Seven pale faces stared at me. Royal eventually shook his head slowly, his eyes still wide.

I looked back down at the glass of water, then over to Jacob still frozen. He blinked a few times before slowly holding the burger out to me.

“What?” I asked, confused.

“Well,” He swallowed, “I mean if you’re thirsty, babe…”

I stared at the burger. “Um… I mean, It _did_ smell good…”

“ _Does_ it?” Carlisle took a step forward, that frenetic sparkle of excitement back in his eyes. “It actually smells palatable to you, Beau?”

I nodded slowly, taking the burger from Jacob and holding it just under my nose.

“If he actually takes a bite—” Emmett began before Royal elbowed him hard in the ribs. “—Hey! I’m just saying, that’s gross.”

Royal rolled his eyes and turned to me. “Go on, Beau.”

Feeling incredibly self-conscious with eight pairs of eyes glued to my face, I sighed and then took a small bite.

The taste was indescribable.

Indescribable because I hadn’t experienced it before now—not like this. The subtleties and depths of flavors, the nuances, the balances. I tried to remind myself that this had more to do with my newly heightened perceptions and senses than it had to do with my skills as a cook, but it was hard not to think I was a master chef in that moment. I took another bite, fascinated by the new experience eating was.

“I can’t believe it,” Emmett was laughing. “He actually _likes_ it.”

“Beau,” Edward took a step forward, “Does it really taste… good?” the way he said the last word openly conveyed that he couldn’t possibly imagine the food tasting like anything better than dirt.

“Not to sing my own praises,” I swallowed, “but it’s great!” I considered for a moment, “Maybe if the meat was a little more on the rare side…”

Now Emmett was crowing with laughter. It quickly spread to everyone else, even me. I caught a glimpse of Seth’s sandy face through the kitchen window, a series of breathy wolf-laughs coming from his muzzle.


	23. Confrontations

The laughter was short lived. Maybe it was just my imagination, but I felt like I sensed it before everyone else. It wasn’t a sound, or a scent, rather a _feeling_.

Then the scent came, and everyone fell silent. Seven pairs of amber-gold eyes darted to the window, Jacob’s entire body tensed, and I could hear Seth and Liam growling softly outside.

The pack had come to settle things.

My mind was spinning with questions. Thankfully, I could keep my mouth moving as quickly as my brain now. “Where did we leave things with the pack?” I asked the room.

“Jacob managed to buy us some time.” Edward replied, “He told them that you took a turn for the worse, that you weren’t going to make it.”

“But Sam didn’t believe me,” Jacob sighed. “He could tell I was keeping something from him.” Jacob turned to me apologetically, “Sorry, babe. You know I’m not the best liar.”

“It shouldn’t be an issue,” Edward said quickly, “Jacob gave me his permission as the rightful Alpha and descendent of Ephraim Black to turn Beau. The treaty hasn’t been violated—it was amended.”

“Yeah, and we can try and explain that to Sam,” Jacob rolled his eyes, “He’ll love that.”

“So what now?” I asked, already running through all the possible scenarios in my head.

There were a few furtive glances Alice’s way. She rolled her eyes and huffed. “Don’t look at me. You know I can’t see when the pack is involved.”

Something in the back of my mind reacted to that, but I couldn’t tell why.

“Beau isn’t even truly changed,” Royal said softly. “Surely they’ll see that?”

“He may not be what they would consider a true vampire, but he’s an unknown.” Carlisle said, almost more to himself than any of us. “But there are certainly noticeably human aspects to Beau. Perhaps we can appeal to the pack from that angle.”

“It’s worth a try.” Jacob nodded. “He still seems pretty human, all things considered.”

“ _He’s_ getting really tired of everyone talking about him like he’s not here.” I sighed, my mind already made. “Come on, let’s meet them. The longer we make them wait the warier they’re going to be.”

“Beau, love,” Edward was at my side in an instant, “I admire your bravery but perhaps we should wait. Let Carlisle, Jacob, and myself go ahead and talk to them first.”

“But what if they don’t want to talk?” I couldn’t help but feel that given the circumstances, this might be an ‘attack first, ask questions after’ type of situation. “What if they’re here to fight?”

From outside, near the edge of the trees, there was a sharp, short howl—probably Liam.

“Looks like we’re out of time.” Emmett said, raising an eyebrow as he gazed warily out the window.

We all followed his line of vision. I could see Sam, huge and black-furred, standing at the edge of the woods flanked by two of his brother wolves. Further behind them, hidden in the trees, the rest of the pack was pacing irritably.

“Well, guess we should try talking.” Jacob shrugged.

I took a deep breath and started for the door.

 

We walked in a formation. Jacob at the head, flanked by Carlisle and Edward. I followed behind them with Emmett and Jasper on either side of me. Alice, Esme, and Royal were behind us. Liam was pacing angrily in front of Sam just ahead of us. Seth was walking next to our formation, radiating tension.

“How fast can you run if this goes bad, Beau?” Emmett said out of the corner his mouth. “Without tripping, I mean.”

“Shut it, Emmett.” I hissed back.

Seth whined softly, I turned to give him a reassuring smile. Our eyes met, and for the briefest moment I thought I could almost hear his voice in my head. It wasn’t actual words, not really. More like a feeling that somehow came in Seth’s voice. It was very soft and muted but I could read the emotion. It was fear. Fear and questioning. Seth was worried, he wanted to know if everything was going to be okay.

“Don’t worry, Seth. Everything will be fine.” I smiled at him.

His head turned slightly to the side, this time I could sense the surprise he was feeling. Like I had answered his exact thought. I wondered if this was typical of vampires but that didn’t seem right. I didn’t have time to think about it more, now it was time to deal with the pack.

“Sam,” Jacob called, “we’re here to talk. No fighting.”

There was a brief pause. “’Fine,’” Edward said, reading Sam’s mind. “’But only out of brotherhood, Jacob. You’ve already betrayed the pack by siding with the Cullens, and you lied to me about Beau dying.’”

Sam was growling softly while Edward spoke. I guessed to emphasize the words.

“I know, I know,” Jacob held up his hands. “Listen, things got…” He peeked back over his shoulder at me. “Complicated.”

“Sam,” Carlisle spoke now, “We understand the seriousness of the situation, especially from your perspective. Believe me when I say we never had any intention of breaking the treaty from a place of ill-will toward you or your people. This alliance—this friendship—tenuous as it has been, means a great deal to me and my family.”

“’And still you broke it.’” Edward responded in Sam’s voice.

“Technically, no.” Jacob took a step forward. “I gave Edward permission as Ephraim Black’s grandson to turn Beau. As the heir of the original treaty maker.”

A ripple of growls, starting with Sam and resonating through the rest of the pack echoed through the woods.

“And besides,” Carlisle spoke again, “as Jacob said, there have been further complications. We ask only that you give us a chance to present our case. But I believe that once you see Beau, you’ll understand why perhaps we feel we might reach some sort of understanding.”

“’Fine. Bring him out.’”

Carlisle turned and gestured for me to come forward. I took a deep breath and stepped forward, being careful to keep my movements and slow and human-like as I could manage.

I didn’t need Edward to read Sam’s mind to tell me his reaction. I could see it as his eyes met mine. More than that, I could _sense_ it. Shock, confusion, anger, more confusion. Those emotions quickly spread to the rest of the pack, and I could sense them magnified as each one of them processed what Sam was seeing, what they were seeing.

I desperately wished I could hear what they were thinking. To know if things were going poorly or not. As I stood there, waiting for someone to say something and wishing I could read minds like Edward, something shifted in my mind for the shortest fraction of a second. It was a strange feeling; like an echo-chamber inside my head. There weren’t truly words, just feelings that I could almost make into words. But the feelings weren’t mine. In that fraction of time—that millisecond—I could understand what the pack was thinking and feeling. I almost knew the words running through their heads, even though I couldn’t hear them. It caught me so off-guard that I took a quick, sharp breath. Suddenly there was another shift and my mind was quiet and clear again.

At the same moment the initial shift in my brain had happened, Alice had gasped behind me and Edward had tensed, his eyes darting just slightly in her direction.

My eyes had unfocused for a moment, when they focused again, I was staring at Sam. His body was stiff and his great black eyes were scrutinizing me. After a long moment, he turned and darted into the woods.

“Hey—wait—” Jacob called after him. “Where’s he going?” He turned to Edward.

“What?” Edward hadn’t been paying attention. He was staring over his shoulder back at Alice. His eyes were wide.

“Sam! Where’d he go?” Jacob snapped.

“He’ll be… right back.” Edward said haltingly. It wasn’t like him to be so distracted. I slowly turned my head to look back at Alice.

She was standing perfectly still. Her eyes wider than I’d ever seen them. Her slender hands were clasped in front of her mouth and she was staring straight at me. I furrowed my eyebrows at her. She blinked once, then shook her head.

“Don’t worry. Everything’s going to be fine.” She said so quietly it was barely a breath.

When I reluctantly turned back to the pack, Sam was jogging out the trees. On two legs.

“I want to talk to Beau.” He called as he reached the spot he had previously been standing.

I glanced up at Edward, who still looked distracted. He was tense, but he nodded reassuringly and leaned down to kiss my forehead.

I took another deep breath and started walking toward Sam.

If he was willing to change back to his human form, then he had to feel safe. This had to be a good sign. I was feeling more confident the closer I got to him, but even my confidence felt slightly shaken by whatever it was that had happened only moments ago. It was completely unlike anything I had ever experienced before, which was saying a lot given everything that had happened since I woke up from the burning was wholly unlike anything I had experienced before.

I stopped just a few steps away from Sam. his eyes were intently focused on me and his body was tense.

“Hi, Sam.” I said softly, wondering what my voice sounded like to him now.

“Beau.” He said, nodding slowly.

“I’m sorry we lied to you.” I finally said after a long, silent minute. “I guess you can tell things are…” I gestured vaguely to myself.

“Complicated.” He finished. “Yes.”

“So,” I began, “Well, you can see I’m not… I mean, not completely.” I didn’t quite know what to say to Sam, I couldn’t really explain the situation, especially since I didn’t totally understand the situation myself. “My heart is still beating.” Was all I could manage.

“And you’re still Beau.” He finally said. “I can hear your heart. You’re not completely one of them.”

“No. Not completely.”

“How?”

“We don’t know. We’re still trying to figure everything out.” I replied, feeling slightly embarrassed like I didn’t have the answer in class.

“You don’t smell like them. Your blood doesn’t smell quite human. But still—”

“Blood!” Carlisle gasped suddenly.

We all turned to look at Carlisle. That spark of excitement in his eyes was practically a flame now.

“It’s the logical conclusion!” Carlisle said, more to himself than any of us, “It was blood! Jacob’s blood!” He gestured towards Jacob vaguely. “The transfusions. Perhaps the venom and Jacob’s blood were not compatible, halting the transformation process…”

“Leaving Beau partly human.” Edward finished in astonishment.

“I knew pumping Beau full of d—” I could practically hear Royal’s eyes rolling as he spoke. I cut my eyes in his direction to stop him before he said anything offensive. His eyes caught mine and he snapped his mouth shut for a moment. He cleared his throat and tried again, “I knew putting _wolf_ blood in Beau would do _something_ ,” he huffed.

“Something _good_.” Jacob retorted smugly. Edward chuckled softly to himself.

“You did this, Jacob?” Sam asked, his face serious.

“Beau was dying. I did what I could to help him.” Jacob said, lifting his chin slightly. “Despite _your_ best efforts.”

Sam’s face was stony, betraying no underlying emotion in his expressions. But I could see the slightest tightening of his eyes. I would have missed this if I were still completely human, but now I could see the truth of Sam’s subtle response; he was hurt. More than that, he knew Jacob was right and that he had been wrong.

“Sam,” Edward began, “we assure you we meant no harm or disrespect to you. We meant no harm to anyone. We only wanted to save Beau.”

“Saving humans, Sam.” Jacob echoed Edward’s tone. “It’s what we’re supposed to do, right?”

“It is.” Sam said quietly. He stared into my eyes once more, like he was deep in thought. He took a deep breath, then let out a long sigh before turning his back to me and my family. I felt the slightest twinge of nerves ripple through me. What if Sam decided I wasn’t human enough anymore? What if after everything, the treaty was truly broken and we had started a war? What was the next step? My thoughts whirled around everyone standing around me, my family, my friends. Everyone I had so desperately clung to life to stay with. How could I keep them safe if the pack turned on us now?

We would run. It was the only option. Leave Forks and never come back. My slowly beating heart sped slightly at that thought. If we left… What would I tell Charlie?

Charlie.

Before I could think of what to do about my poor father, Sam was speaking again, loudly to the pack.

“The treaty remains.” He declared. “The Cullens are not our enemies. And Beau…” He turned to face me again, “Is still under our protection as a human.” He held out his hand towards me. “If he will allow that.”

I grinned widely at him, relief washing over my body. I reached out my hand to shake Sam’s. He winced slightly at my touch.

“But judging by your grip, Beau,” He coughed, “You may not need as much protection anymore.”

I quickly pulled my hand back, biting my lip in embarrassment. Everyone behind me burst into laughter as Sam carefully flexed his hand.

 

There was more shaking of hands, more words of thanks. Even Jacob and Sam seemed to come to some sort of understanding. Suddenly everything was falling into place.

Except Charlie.

I could pass for a human, and I had shown more than a fair amount of self-control. But would it be enough to see Charlie anytime soon? I wasn’t optimistic enough to delude myself into believing that Charlie wouldn’t notice that I was different. My father would know that his son had changed somehow. He would see it. And even if I could run away from the smell of human blood when it was some miles away, even if Jacob’s blood didn’t tempt me, would I have the same restraint when a human was standing right in front of me? Even if it was my own father?

Before I could delve deeper into my chaotic thoughts, someone cleared their throat behind me. Sam. Even without turning to see him, I recognized the sound of his deep voice, the woodsy scent that was his.

“Hey, Sam.” I answered quietly.

“Beau,” he nodded, “I was wondering if we could talk alone for a moment.”

“Of course,” I answered, somewhat surprised. Sam rarely went anywhere without at least Paul or Jared close behind him.

He started walking toward the trees, I followed just behind him, glancing back over my shoulder. Edward and Jacob were watching, confusion on their faces. I smiled reassuringly and gave them a small wave.

Once Sam and I were some distance away in the shelter of the trees, he stopped and turned to me. He didn’t speak at first. I got the impression that this was difficult for him.

“Beau,” He began, then stopped, like he didn’t know what to say. “Beau.” He said again.

“Y—yes?” I smiled patiently, hoping it would encourage him.

“I’m sorry.”

“What for?”

He sighed and crossed his arms over his chest. His eyes drifting to the forest floor. “I’ve spent so much time hating the Cullens. Even blaming them for how my life turned out. For years, that hatred ate away at me. I thought no one could hate them as much as I did.” He looked up at me now. “When they left you alone here, I thought maybe you’d started hating them as much as I had. I thought maybe someone could finally understand how I felt. But then you took them back. You forgave them.”

“I love them.” Was all I could manage in reply.

“Yes. Love.” Sam pondered this for a second. “The Cullens have their powers. We can become wolves to protect our friends and family. But that’s always been your power, hasn’t it?”

“What do you mean?”

“You love. You care. You see the humanity behind the monsters in your life.”

“I try to, anyway.” I shrugged.

Sam smiled. “Maybe if I had lived life more like you, things would have turned out different. If I had tried to have a little more faith in others I wouldn’t have made the mistakes I did. But I’m done hating the Cullens. They didn’t make me what I am. I was born into this. The bad stuff… Well, that was my fault. My choices are what led me here. So I’m going to make a choice now. I’m going to trust that this is how things were meant to play out.”

I nodded, not knowing what to say.

“But I am sorry for being stubborn, and for making the decision to try and hurt you. I made things harder on you, and I broke my pack. I should have listened to Jacob and had some faith in him.”

“To be fair, listening to Jacob is a risky move.”

Sam laughed at that, some of the stony seriousness that I had always associated with him faded away and I could almost catch a glimpse of who Sam was before he had become the Alpha. Before destiny had intervened in a young man’s life and changed it forever. I could understand that.

“Maybe it was Jacob’s blood that saved you,” Sam said, “or maybe it was his love for his best friend.”

“Thank you, Sam.”

 

The treaty wasn’t broken. One big worry down.

But now that I didn’t have to worry about the pack, a more urgent care took the forefront in my mind as I walked back to the others.

Charlie.

He’d spoken to Esme earlier this morning, but that hadn’t kept him from calling again, twice, just a little while ago while I was making food for Jacob. Carlisle and Edward had let the phone ring.

What would be the best thing to tell him? The Cullens said telling him I had died would be the best and kindest way. Would I be able to lie still in a coffin while he and my mother cried over me?

It didn’t seem right to me. But even if I could control myself, even if Charlie could accept that I was changed, putting him in danger of the Volturi’s obsession with secrecy was clearly out of the question.

There was still my idea—let Charlie see me, when I was sure I was ready for that, and let him make his own wrong assumptions. Technically, the vampire rules would remain unbroken. Wouldn’t it be better for Charlie if he knew that I was alive—mostly—and happy? Even if I was strange and different and possibly frightening to him?

It was a gamble, though. Charlie was never much for horror films, so there was a good chance the word vampire or anything close to it wouldn’t even cross his mind. But it was still a risk.

“What’s the matter, love?” Edward asked as I reached him and the others. “Did Sam—”

“No, Sam was great.” I answered quickly. “I was thinking about Charlie, actually.”

Everyone turned to look at me.

“Ah,” Edward murmured, wrapping his arms around me.

“We really have to leave, don’t we?” I asked. “For a while, at the very least. Pretend we’re in Atlanta or something.”

I could feel Edward’s gaze locked on my face, but he didn’t speak. I looked over at Jasper, instead. I knew he would answer me.

“Yes. It’s the only way to protect your father.”

I brooded for a moment. “I’m going to miss him so much. I’ll miss everyone here.”

No one had any words of comfort for me. They knew this reality all too well, but it had been many long years before they’d experienced anything like what I was feeling. Some of them, like Edward and Alice, had never truly experienced it. But Emmett had left his family, as had Royal.

Royal’s face was even, but I could see the understanding in his eyes. He had left behind a family when he’d been turned. He knew and he understood better than anyone what I was feeling.

“We’ll be heading back to our territory now.” Sam said, breaking the somber quiet. He walked up to Carlisle and extended his hand. “Carlisle.”

“Thank you, Sam.” Carlisle replied.

Sam nodded to Carlisle, to Edward, and to Jacob, then turned and nodded to his pack, waiting by the trees. They took off into the forest. Sam turned his head and caught my eye one more time, nodded slightly, before running off to join them.

“Okay, let’s go home.” I let out a small sigh, before turning and smiling to everyone else.

Jasper let out a huff, “I can’t understand,” he said. “I can’t bear this.”

I watched in surprise as he strode away toward the river. Liam moved to give him a wide margin of space as he launched himself over the water in one bound.

“What’s wrong with Jasper?” I asked.

“He’ll be back,” Edward said. “He just needs a moment alone to readjust his perspective on life.” There was a grin threatening at the corners of his mouth.

A human memory came back to me—Edward telling me that Jasper would feel better about himself if I “had a hard time adjusting” to being a vampire. This was in the context of a discussion about how many being I would kill my first newborn year.

“Is he mad at me?” I asked.

Edward’s eyes widened. “No. Why would he be?”

“What’s the matter with him, then?”

“He’s upset with himself, not you, Beau. He’s worrying about… self-fulfilling prophecy, I suppose you could say.”

“How so?” Carlisle asked before I could.

“He’s wondering if the newborn madness is really as difficult as we’ve always thought, of it, with the right focus and attitude, anyone could do it as well as Beau. Even now—perhaps he only has such difficulty because he believes it’s natural and unavoidable. Maybe if he expected more of himself, he would rise to those expectations. You’re making him question a lot of deep-rooted assumptions, Beau.”

“But that’s unfair,” Carlisle said. “Everyone is different; everyone has their own challenges.”

“And I’m not exactly a true newborn, I think we’ve decided that at this point.” I added.

“Precisely!” Carlisle nodded. “And, who knows, perhaps Beau’s self-control goes beyond even his own will or transformation. Maybe this is his gift, so to speak.”

I froze with surprise.

“That’s an interesting theory, and quite plausible,” Edward said as we all began walking back to the house.

“Lame,” Jacob laughed. “Beau would get something like that, wouldn’t he?” He ran ahead with Seth back to the house. Liam rolled his eyes and trotted back off toward the forest.

For a tiny space, I was disappointed. What? No magic visions, no formidable offensive abilities like, oh, shooting lightning bolts from my eyes or something? Nothing helpful or cool at all?

And then I realized what that might mean, if my “superpower” was no more than exceptional self-control.

For one thing, At least I had a gift. It could have been nothing, especially given the circumstances of my changing.

But much more than that, if Edward was right, then I could skip right over the part I’d feared the very most.

What if I didn’t have to be a newborn?Not in the crazed killing-machine sense, anyway. What if I could fit right in with the Cullens from my first day? What if we didn’t have to hide out somewhere remote for a year while I “grew up”? What if, like Carlisle, I never killed a single person? What if I could be a good vampire right away? Or a good… whatever I was.

I could see Charlie.

I sighed as soon as reality filtered through hope. I couldn’t see Charlie right away. I wasn’t completely changed, but I was still different. The voice, the perfected face, the unnaturally flawless skin. What could I possibly say to him; how could I even begin? I was furtively glad that I had some excuses for putting things off for a while; as much as I wanted to find some way to keep Charlie in my life, I was terrified of that first meeting. Seeing his eyes pop as he took in my new face, my new skin. Knowing that he was frightened. Wondering what dark explanation would form in his head.

I was chicken enough to wait for a while and think of some explanation. And here I’d thought I would be so fearless when I was indestructible.

“Have you ever seen an equivalent to self-control as a talent?” Edward asked Carlisle. “Do you really think that’s a gift, or a product of all his preparation or his unique transformation?”

Carlisle shrugged. “It’s slightly similar to what Siobhan has always been able to do, though she wouldn’t call it a gift.”

“Siobhan, your friend in that Irish coven?” Royal asked. “I wasn’t aware that she did anything special. I thought it was Maggie who was talented in that bunch.”

“Yes, Siobhan thinks the same. But she has this way of deciding her goals and then almost... _willing_ them into reality. She considers it good planning, but I’ve always wondered if it was something more. When she included Maggie, for instance. Lorna was very territorial, but Siobhan wanted it to work out, and so it did.”

When we reached the house, Edward, Carlisle and Royal settled into chairs as they continued with the discussion. Jacob was already sitting next to Seth on the couch, who’d changed back into his human form. From the way their eyelids were drooping, I was sure they’d be unconscious momentarily. Esme and Emmett wandered off into a different part of the house.

I realized that the others had no reason for sitting down. I was perfectly comfortable standing. It was just as restful as stretching out on a bed would be. I knew I would be able to stand like this for a week without moving and I would feel just as relaxed at the end of the seven days as I did at the beginning.

They must sit out of habit. Humans would notice someone standing for hours without ever shifting her weight to a different foot. Even now, I saw Royal run his fingers through his hair and Carlisle cross his legs. Little motions to keep from being too still, too much a vampire. I would have to pay attention to what they did and start practicing.

I rolled my weight back to my left leg. It felt kind of silly.

I continued to observe them quietly, taking pointers on how to be more human again. After almost an hour—Seth and Jacob snoring in harmony on the couch—Edward looked up suddenly, his eyes watching out the window toward the river.

“Finally.” He smiled. I followed his gaze out the window. The sun had set, and it was deep, purply night outside, but I could see just as far as before. Nothing was hidden in the darkness; everything had just changed colors.

Liam, still glowering, got up and slunk into the brush just as Alice came into view on the other side of the river. I hadn’t even noticed when she had left before, she’d been so quiet since the meeting with the pack. She swung back and forth from a branch like a trapeze artist, toes touching hands, before throwing her body into a graceful flat spin over the river. Esme and Emmett appeared soon after, I hadn’t noticed when they’d left either. I’d been so engrossed in observing the others. Esme made a more traditional leap, while Emmett charged right through the water, splashing it so far that splatters hit the back windows. To my surprise, Jasper followed after, his own efficient leap seaming understated, even subtle, after the others.

The huge grin stretching Alice’s face was familiar in a dim, odd way. Everyone was suddenly smiling at me—Esme sweet, Emmett excited, Royal a little superior, Carlisle indulgent, and Edward expectant.

Alice skipped into the room ahead of everyone else, her hand stretched out in front of her and impatience making a nearly visible aura around her. In her palm was an everyday brass key with an oversized blue satin bow tied around it.

She held the key out for me and I held out my hand to her. Alice dropped the key into it.

“Happy birthday!” she squealed.

I rolled my eyes. “No one starts counting on the actual day of birth,” I reminded her. “Your first birthday is at the year mark, Alice.”

Her grin turned smug. “We’re not celebrating your vampire birthday. Yet. It’s September thirteenth, Beau. Happy nineteenth birthday!”


	24. Surprise

“Um. Thank you, Alice?” I blinked at her a few times, and then shot a confused glance at the smug smile on Edward’s face. “But I stopped aging three days ago.”

“Trifling details,” Alice said, dismissing my words with a quick shrug. “We’re celebrating anyway, so suck it up.”

I laughed, shaking my head. There was rarely a point to arguing with Alice.

Her grin got impossibly wider as she read the acquiescence in my expression.

“Are you ready to open your present?” Alice sang.

“Present _s_ ,” Edward corrected, and he pulled another key—this one longer and silver with a smaller blue bow—from his pocket.

I struggled to keep from rolling my eyes in amusement. I knew immediately what this key was for—the “after car.” I wondered if actually seeing the thing would suddenly spark a post-transformation interest in sports cars.

“Mine first,” Alice said, and then she stuck her tongue out foreseeing his answer.

“Mine is closer.”

“But look at how he’s _dressed_.” Alice’s words were almost a moan. “It’s been killing me all day. That is clearly the priority.”

My eyebrows pulled together as I wondered how a key could get me into new clothes. Had she gotten me a whole trunkful?

“I know—I’ll play you for it,” Alice suggested. “Rock, paper, scissors.”

Jasper chuckled and Edward sighed.

“Why don’t you just tell me who wins?” Edward said wryly.

Alice beamed. “I do. Excellent.”

“It’s probably better that I wait for morning, anyway.” Edward smiled crookedly at me and then nodded toward Jacob and Seth, who looked like they were crashed for the night; I wonder how long they’d stayed up this time. “I think it might be more fun if Jacob was awake for the big reveal, don’t you agree? So that someone there is able to express the right level of enthusiasm?”

I grinned back. He knew me well.

“Yay,” Alice sang. “Beau, follow me.”

“There’s no point in resisting, Beau. Best get it over with.” Royal grinned at me.

I was glad to see that the new comradeship between us was still there in his smile. I hadn’t been entirely sure it would last after I was changed. But maybe we had fought together on the same side long enough that we would always be friends now. I’d fought for my humanity the same he would have if given the chance. That seemed to have washed away his resentment for all my other choices.

Alice shoved the beribboned key in my hand, then grabbed my elbow and steered me toward the back door. “Let’s go, let’s go,” she trilled.

“Is it outside?”

“Sort of,” Alice said, pushing me forward.

“Enjoy your gift,” Royal said. “It’s from all of us. Esme especially.”

“Aren’t you coming, too?” I realized that no one had moved.

“We’ll give you a chance to appreciate it alone,” Royal said. “You can tell us about it… later.”

Emmett guffawed. Something about his laugh made me feel like blushing, though I wasn’t sure why.

I realized that lots of things about me—such as disliking surprises and being embarrassed by gifts in general—had not changed one bit. It was a relief to discover how much of my core traits had come with me into this new body.

I hadn’t expected to be myself. I smiled widely.

Alice tugged on my elbow, and I couldn’t stop smiling as I followed her into the purple night. Only Edward came with us.

“There’s the enthusiasm I’m looking for,” Alice murmured approvingly. Then she dropped my arm, made two lithe bounds, and leaped over the river.

“C’mon, Beau,” she called from the other side.

Edward jumped at the same time I did; it was every bit as fun as it had been this afternoon. Maybe a little bit more fun because the night changed everything into new, rich colors.

Alice took off with us on her heels, heading due north. It was easier to follow the sound of her feet whispering against the ground and the fresh path of her scent than it was to keep my eyes on her through the thick vegetation.

At no sign I could see, she whirled and dashed back to where I paused. “Don’t attack me,” she warned, and sprang at me.

“What are you doing?” I demanded, squirming as she scrambled onto my back and wrapped her hands around my face. I felt the slightest urge to throw her off, but I controlled it.

“Making sure you can’t see.”

“I could take care of that without the theatrics,” Edward offered. “You might let him cheat. Take his hand and lead him forward.”

“Alice, I—”

“Don’t bother, Beau. We’re doing this my way.”

I felt Edward’s fingers weave through mine. “Just a few seconds more, Beau. Then she’ll go annoy someone else.” He pulled me forward. I kept up easily. I wasn’t afraid of hitting a tree; the tree would be the only one getting hurt in that scenario.

“You might be a little more appreciative,” Alice chided him. “This is as much for you as it is for him.”

“True. Thank you again, Alice.”

“Yeah, yeah. Okay.” Alice’s voice suddenly shot up with excitement. “Stop there. Turn him just a little to the right. Yes, like that. Okay. Are you ready?” she squeaked.

“I’m ready.” There were new scents here, piquing my interest, increasing my curiosity. Scents that didn’t belong in the deep woods. Honeysuckle. Smoke. Roses. Sawdust? Something metallic, too. The richness of deep earth, dug up and exposed. I leaned toward the mystery.

Alice hopped down from my back, releasing her grip on my eyes.

I stared into the violet dark. There, nestled into a small clearing in the forest, was a tiny stone cottage, lavender gray in the light of the stars.

It belonged here so absolutely that it seemed as if it must have grown from the rock, a natural formation. Honeysuckle climbed up one wall like a lattice, winding all the way up and over the thick wooden shingles. Late summer roses bloomed in a handkerchief- sized garden under the dark, deep-set windows. There was a little path of flat stones, amethyst in the night, that led up to the quaint arched wooden door.

I curled my hand around the key I held, shocked.

“What do you think?” Alice’s voice was soft now; it fit with the perfect quiet of the storybook scene.

I opened my mouth but said nothing.

“Esme thought we might like a place of our own for a while, but she didn’t want us too far away,” Edward murmured. “And she loves any excuse to renovate. This little place has been crumbling away out here for at least a hundred years.”

I continued staring, mouth gaping like a fish.

“Don’t you like it?” Alice’s face fell. “I mean, I’m sure we could fix it up differently, if you want. Emmett was all for adding a few thousand square feet, a second story, columns, and a tower, but Esme thought you would like it best the way it was meant to look.” Her voice started to climb, to go faster. “If she was wrong, we can get back to work. It won’t take long to—”

“Shh!” I managed.

She pressed her lips together and waited. It took me a few seconds to recover.

“You’re giving me a house for my birthday?” I whispered.

“Us,” Edward corrected. “And it’s no more than a cottage. I think the word _house_ implies more legroom.”

“No knocking my house,” I whispered to him.

Alice beamed. “You like it.”

I shook my head.

“Love it?”

I nodded.

“I can’t wait to tell Esme!”

“Why didn’t she come?”

Alice’s smile faded a little, twisted just off what it had been, like my question was hard to answer. “Oh, you know... they all remember how you are about presents. They didn’t want to put you under too much pressure to like it.”

“But of course I love it. How could I not?”

“They’ll like that.” She patted my arm. “Anyhoo, your closet is stocked. Use it wisely. And... I guess that’s everything.”

“Aren’t you going to come inside?”

She strolled casually a few feet back. “Edward knows his way around. I’ll stop by... later. Call me if you can’t match your clothes right.” She threw me a doubtful look and then smiled. “Jazz wants to hunt. See you.”

She shot off into the trees like the most graceful bullet.

“That was weird,” I said when the sound of her flight had vanished completely. “Am I really _that_ bad? They didn’t have to stay away. Now I feel guilty. I didn’t even thank her right. We should go back, tell Esme—”

“Beau, don’t be silly. No one thinks you’re that unreasonable.”

“Then what—”

“Alone time is their other gift. Alice was trying to be subtle about it.”

“Oh.”

That was all it took to make the house disappear. We could have been anywhere. I didn’t see the trees or the stones or the stars. It was just Edward.

“Let me show you what they’ve done,” he said, pulling my hand. Was he oblivious to the fact that an electric current was pulsing through my body like adrenaline-spiked blood?

Once again I felt oddly off balance, waiting for reactions I wasn’t sure my body was capable of anymore. My heart should have been thundering like a steam engine about to hit us. Deafening. My cheeks should have been brilliant red.

For that matter, I ought to have been exhausted. This had been the longest day of my life.

I laughed out loud—just one quiet little laugh of shock—when I realized that this day would never end.

“Do I get to hear the joke?”

“It’s not a very good one,” I told him as he led the way to the little rounded door. “I was just thinking—today is the first and last day of forever. It’s kind of hard to wrap my head around it. Even with all this extra room for wrapping.” I laughed again.

He chuckled with me. He held his hand out toward the doorknob, waiting for me to do the honors. I stuck the key in the lock and turned it.

“You’re such a natural at this, Beau; I forget how very strange this all must be for you. I wish I could _hear_ it.” He ducked down and yanked me up into is arms so fast that I didn’t see it coming—and that was really something.

“Hey!”

“Thresholds are part of my job description,” he reminded me. “But I’m curious. Tell me what you’re thinking about right now.”

He opened the door—it fell back with a barely audible creak—and stepped through into the little stone living room.

“Everything,” I told him. “All at the same time, you know. Good things and things to worry about and things that are new. How I keep using too many superlatives in my head. Right now, I’m thinking that Esme is an artist. It’s so perfect!”

The cottage room was something from a fairy tale. The floor was a perfect quilt of smooth, flat stones. The low ceiling had long exposed beams that someone as tall as Jacob would surely knock his head on. The walls were warm wood in some places, stone mosaics in others. The beehive fireplace in the corner held the remains of a slow flickering fire. It was driftwood burning there—the low flames were blue and green from the salt.

It was furnished in eclectic pieces, not one of them matching another, but harmonious just the same. One chair seemed vaguely medieval, while a low ottoman by the fire was more contemporary and the stocked bookshelf against the far window reminded me of movies set in Italy. Somehow each piece fit together with the others like a big three-dimensional puzzle. There were a few paintings on the walls that I recognized—some of my very favorites from the big house. Priceless originals, no doubt, but they seemed to belong here, too, like all the rest.

It was a place where anyone could believe magic existed. A place where you just expected Snow White to walk right in with her apple in hand, or a unicorn to stop and nibble at the rosebushes.

Edward had always thought that he belonged to the world of horror stories. Of course, I’d known he was dead wrong. It was obvious that he belonged _here_. In a fairy tale.

And now I was in the story with him.

I was about to take advantage of the fact that he hadn’t gotten around to setting me back on my feet and that his beautiful face was only inches away when he said, “I’m sure you’re dying to see the closet. Or, at least I’ll _tell_ Alice that you were, to make her feel good.”

“Should I be afraid?”

“Terrified.”

He carried me down a narrow stone hallway with tiny arches in the ceiling, like it was our own miniature castle.

“That room is extra,” he said, nodding to an empty room with a pale stone floor and large, airy windows. “Esme wasn’t sure what to do with it.” He smiled crookedly, “Given your hobbies and interests, perhaps we can make it into a kitchen for you.”

I grinned widely, “I’d like that,” then I laughed, “someone will have to feed the boys, after all.”

He laughed as he continued down the hall. “Here’s our room. Esme tried to bring some of her island back here for us. She guessed that we would get attached.”

The bed was huge and white, with clouds of gossamer floating down from the canopy to the floor. The pale wood floor matched the other room, and now I grasped that it was precisely the color of a pristine beach The walls were that almost-white-blue of a brilliant sunny day, and the back wall had big glass doors that opened into a little hidden garden. Climbing roses and a small round pound, smooth as a mirror and edged with shiny stones. A tiny, calm ocean for us.

“Oh” was all I could say.

“I know,” he whispered.

We stood there for a minute, remembering. Though the memories were human and clouded, they took over my mind completely.

He smiled a wide, gleaming smile and then laughed. “The closet is through those double doors. I should warn you—it’s bigger than this room.”

I couldn’t bring myself to even glance at the doors. There was nothing else in the world but him again—his arms curled under me, his sweet breath on my face, his lips just inches from mine—and there was nothing that could distract me now, newborn whatever I was or not.

“We’re going to tell Alice that I ran right into the clothes,” I whispered, twisting my fingers into his hair and pulling my face closer to his. “We’re going to tell her I spent hours in there playing dress-up. We are going to _lie._ ”

He caught up to my mood in an instant, or maybe he’d already been there, and he was just trying to let me fully appreciate my birthday present, like a gentleman. He pulled my face to his with a sudden fierceness, a low moan in his throat. The sound sent the electric current running through my body into a near-frenzy, like I couldn’t get close enough to him fast enough.

I heard the fabric tearing under our hands, and I was glad _my_ clothes, at least, were already destroyed. It was too late for his. It felt almost rude to ignore the gorgeous white bed, but we just weren’t going to make it that far.

This second honeymoon wasn’t like our first.

Our time on the island had been the epitome of my human life. The very best of it. I’d been ready to prolong my human time, just to hold on to what I had with him for a little while longer. Because the physical part wasn’t going to be the same ever again.

I should have guessed, after a day like today, that it would be better.

I could really appreciate him now—could properly see every beautiful line of his perfect face, of his long, flawless body with my strong new eyes, every angle and every plane of him. I could taste his pure, vivid scent on my tongue and feel the unbelievable silkiness of his marble skin under my sensitive fingertips.

My skin was so sensitive under his hands, too.

He was all new, a different person as our bodies tangled gracefully into one on the sand-pale floor. No caution, no restraint. No fear—especially not that. We could love _together_ —both active participants now. Perfect equals.

Like our kisses before, every touch was more than I was used to. So much of himself he’d been holding back. Necessary at the time, but I couldn’t believe how much I’d been missing.

I tried to keep in mind that I was stronger than he was, but it was hard to focus on anything with sensations so intense, pulling my attention to a million different places in my body every second; if I hurt him, he didn’t complain.

A very, very small part of my head considered the interesting conundrum presented in this situation. I was never going to get tired, and neither was he. We didn’t have to catch our breath or rest or eat or even use the bathroom; we had no more mundane human needs. He had the most beautiful, perfect body in the world and I had him all to myself, and it didn’t feel like I was ever going to find a point where I would think, _Now I’ve had enough for one day._ I was always going to want more. And the day was never going to end. So, in such a situation, how did we ever _stop_?

It didn’t bother me at all that I had no answer.

I sort of noticed when the sky began to lighten. The tiny ocean outside turned from black to gray, and a lark started to sing somewhere very close by—maybe she had a nest in the roses.

“Do you miss it?” I asked him when her song was done.

It wasn’t the first time we’d spoken, but we weren’t exactly keeping up a conversation, either.

“Miss what?” he murmured.

“All of it—the warmth, the soft skin, the tasty smell... I’m not losing anything at all, and I just wondered if it was a little bit sad for you that you were.”

He laughed, low and gentle. “It would be hard to find someone _less_ sad than I am now. Impossible, I’d venture. Not many people get every single thing they want, plus all the things they didn’t think to ask for, in the same day.”

“Are you avoiding the question?”

He pressed his hand against my face. “You _are_ warm,” he told me.

It was true. My skin still held a measure of warmth, but the difference between our body temperatures wasn’t as severe now, it felt closer, more natural.

Then he pulled his fingers very slowly down my face, lightly tracing from my jaw to my throat and then all the way down to my waist. My eyes rolled back into my head a little.

“You _are_ soft.”

His fingers were like satin against my skin, so I could see what he meant.

“And as for the scent, I already told you; your scent is still beautiful and tempting to me.” He smiled, “But in an entirely different way.”

“Oh?” I laughed. “That’s probably for the better, then.”

“Exactly. So the answer is no. I am purely full of joy, because I am missing _nothing. No one has more than I do now.”_

I was about to inform him of the one exception to his statement, but my lips were suddenly very busy.

 

When the little pool turned pearl-colored with the sunrise, I thought of another question for him.

“How long does this go on? I mean, Carlisle and Esme, Em and Roy, Alice and Jasper —they don’t spend all day locked in their rooms. They’re out in public, fully clothed, all the time. Does this... _craving_ ever let up?” I twisted myself closer into him—quite an accomplishment, actually—to make it clear what I was talking about.

“That’s difficult to say. Everyone is different and, well, so far you’re the very most different of all. The average young vampire is too obsessed with thirst to notice much else for a while. That obviously doesn’t to apply to you. With the average _vampire_ , though, after that first year, other needs make themselves known. Neither thirst nor any other desire really ever _fades_. It’s simply a matter of learning to balance them, learning to prioritize and manage…”

“How long?”

He smiled, wrinkling his nose a little. “Royal and Emmett were the worst. It took a solid decade before I could stand to be within a five-mile radius of them. Even Carlisle and Esme had a difficult time stomaching it. They kicked the happy couple out eventually. Esme built them a house, too. It was grander than this one, but then, Esme knows what Roy likes, and she knows what you like.”

“So, after ten years, then?” I was pretty sure that Royal and Emmett had nothing on us, but it might sound cocky if I went higher than a decade. “Everybody is normal again? Like they are now?”

Edward smiled again. “Well, I’m not sure what you mean by normal. You’ve seen my family going about life in a fairly human way, but you’ve been sleeping nights.” He winked at me. “There’s a tremendous amount of time left over when you don’t have to sleep. It makes balancing your... interests quite easy. There’s a reason why I’m the best musician in the family, why—besides Carlisle—I’ve read the most books, studied the most sciences, become fluent in the most languages.... Emmett would have you believe that I’m such a know-it-all because of the mind reading, but the truth is that I’ve just had a _lot_ of free time.”

We laughed together, and the motion of our laughter did interesting things to the way our bodies were connected, effectively ending that conversation.


End file.
